"True love and high adventure - I believed in that once. I thought my life would follow that path."
-The Princess Bride by William Goldman
--
Goe and catch a falling starre
-
She looks out of the window, to the sky for signs of night approaching, so she can watch for shooting stars.
The horizon is golden, on fire, and if he were here right now, he'd say something passionate and grand (and completely cliché) about epic battles and torn lovers and the wrath of the gods- and she's probably swallow it, but still tap him playfully over the head, and then let him kiss her in the fading light.
(She might have even enjoyed it.)
But he's not here, not anymore, she can't think to look at him and if he were to bang on her door right now, she'd rather climb out the window and risk breaking her flinging arm than let him in.
-Not that he will come- because he knows when he's not getting any and to cut his losses and even if he doesn't know what he did wrong, he knows there's something and it's always better to stay out of Selphie's way when she's on the warpath.
(It scares her how well they know one another- and yet he still doesn't get it and she still doesn't know.)
--She looks to the sky and wishes she could go back.
For once, he didn't do anything- not look at the waitress a little too friendly or insist on paying the whole bill or make innuendos about the gun hidden up his trouser leg (her nunchaku were strapped to her back- because SeeDs can never be too cautious). He did try to use his much taller stature to peer down her dress while removing her coat, but it's to be expected, and she's let him believe she didn't notice.
(Because otherwise, he'd think she didn't mind and he'd do it much too often.)
The evening as good- probably great, and maybe she should be lying back right now, a pillow clutched to her chest as she tries not to smile in a stupid goofy way, singing to herself, gliding into the shower, maybe dreaming the night away.
(Even though she doesn't let herself go girly about it anymore, and would probably have rolled her eyes at herself in the mirror and fallen into a dreamless sleep with the nunchaku close by- because SeeDs are maybe a little paranoid.)
But all that- the music and dancing and him tripping over her feet and falling into the fountain in the main square and taking an old lady with him and they'll never be able to go into Dollet again and it didn't even bother her until just now- all lost in that little action just before the kiss goodnight. Something he meant to be romantic and charming and earn him brownie points. Something that startled her, made her freeze, left the comment she was planning on ending with stutter and fade away.
You've got an eyelash on your cheek, he'd muttered, lifting a finger to wipe it away. Close your eyes and make a wish.
She could see the line, and it was obvious what was coming- the breath against her cheek, the devilish smile as he hunched down to kiss her, his arms perhaps scooping her up if she still couldn't quite reach (or maybe to catch her unawares, just for an instant), the laughter and removal of hat and bow which always followed, just before she left herself inside (and who knows, maybe let him come in too, if he did it just right).
She saw it coming and she wanted to kiss him back, but her eyes wouldn't shut properly (the lashes keep getting in the way) and her feet wouldn't prop her on her tiptoes to reach and her mouth went dry. She didn't know if she could and even when she did, she wasn't really there, wasn't thinking about teasing him for getting her wet, so wholly wrapped up in horrible, selfish thoughts of maybe I could have done better.
(Maybe if she had pushed him away, she wouldn't feel so guilty for thinking it.)
(Maybe if he hadn't been so naïve- if he hadn't looked so smug, guessing his kiss had, for once, left her speechless, she might feel more so.)
--She looks to the sky and so wants to detach her eyes from the burning scarlet and maybe set them a little lower.
- Because no one ever told her that eyelashes contain wishes. She never knew that they were good for anything, bar holding mascara and tears, and she never thought to treasure them.
She believed in shooting stars (Rinoa told her they existed, but she never found one). She believed in birthday cake candles (but she has not idea when her real birthday is, so those never really counted). Maybe she even believes in feathers and plucking petals and going to new places and prayer- but they never came true, which they should have, at least once, because they encountered them often enough.
(But maybe the flower field only held true for Rinoa and maybe the fact that she's still standing is all the rewards the gods will bestow and maybe she's seen too many new places, so that they're not special anymore because there's no where left for her to explore and wonder about.)
But she never knew about eyelashes and maybe that's what made all the difference. That's half a life-time of wishes lost, just like that.
She used to believe that wishes would fix everything, gambled her whole life on dreams that never even showed a hint of coming true- she was an orphan, had no idea who she was and so she could be anything, all she had to do was close her eyes tight and believe hard enough and it would be true; for the briefest moment, she was a princess, a dancer, an artisan, anything but a child mercenary trapped in a man's world-
-But it never lasted long enough (because SeeDs are never at ease, always alert and vigil and for once, she maybe like some peace) and opening her eyes scattered the dreams- So she had to give up, had to left herself accept the now, get used to being here (because hopes and dreams don't change it), made herself be content (almost happy) with settling.
(How quickly she reverts back to dreams tells her she didn't quite manage it.)
Because it wasn't settling, not really. It was adventure- a new one, a different kind from their journey to the future, but change is healthy. And it was love, just not the way she always imagined it, not with storms and floods and volcanoes, not with the end of the world and great battles and sorceresses- but with simple wildflowers and running from restaurants without paying and lending her his cowboy hat when her hair droops- and all the little things that she always told herself were better than the big.
Only she never really knew, because when was the last time he came charging to her rescue?
-And it's evil, heinous, abominable to consider him second best, but she can't help it, because- what if he is? What if true love is just around the corner and what if a couple of extra wishes would have made all the difference?
(What if they still will?)
--She looks to the sky, praying that a star will appear and detach itself and fall right on top of her for thinking it.
But… she would never be content with the grand- it sounds too mundane. She's never had it easy in life, and there doesn't seem to be any reason to start now. It's more fun to watch him work for her affection, being caught off guard by him on the rare occasion, dancing and getting drunk and stumbling and laughing about it some more.
To have no idea where you'll be sent next or whose blood will be paying for your lunch ticket or whether or not you'll make it out alive- not to have to ask these questions and just do. The volatile state of it all- the fighting and grovelling (on his part) and running and making up and yet more fighting and bloodshed, but she should be used to it by now- it excites her.
(Every now and then, it still fills her with disgust and horror and dread, but at least she's feeling something, right?)
And yet- a person can't live a whole life on uncertainties, unsure when he'll screw up next and when it'll all get too much and when she'll have to bail him out of trouble again.
And yet- and yet, she can't help but watch Rinoa sometimes- smiling blissfully up at Squall and gliding- and pining for it. Even if she wouldn't be content with it. Even if there is no better for her. Even if she lost out on wishes and wants so very much to give up on them.
(She never found the balance.)
All she wants is to be happy- but she can't be because she'll never know if this is it, if this is all she's getting and if this is (if it ever will be) enough.
SeeDs aren't supposed to question things… And yet-
She'll never know if this is all she was ever meant for.
(She never was a very good SeeD.)
--She looks to the sky, searching for signs of shooting stars. But all she can see is a formation of birds (he'd call them larks if he were here, just to sound romantic, but they're probably just geese) flying away into the sunset.
(For some reason, for a moment, she gets an image of him shooting them down.)
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A/N: Review if you like.