So this is pretty deep and like nothing I've ever written before. The idea just kind of came to me so I'm making this. Not sure where It'll go, but whatever.

I sit on the painfully unconformable cot and sigh. Tears tumble out of my eyes, and I try hard to keep them in, but I just can't. I break down. I need to get out of here. I should of stopped when I could. Hell, I should of never started. I don't know what possessed me to do this. I don't know what told me to stop eating. Why would I think that's okay? Oh, I just won't eat for the next two years. That shouldn't impact me at all. Now I'm trapped in this stupid little rehab center until I recover. I have a schedule. A fucking schedule. They tell me when I'm supposed to wake up, eat lunch, go to therapy. It's living hell and I made myself get here.

So for the next who-knows-how-many-months I'm in a small town in Illinois. In a stupid rehab center called "New Beginnings." I snort. How fucking cheesy can you get? It's supposed to "treat" eating disorders, drug and alcohol abuse and depression. My mom sent me here after all the hospital visits I had didn't help at all. They made me have a meal plan, but I couldn't follow it. I couldn't bring myself to eat 2,000 calories a day. No one can force me to eat. Absolutely no one.

New Beginnings is in a woodsy area near Chicago and it's supposed to be very peaceful and calming. As of now, the trees everywhere are kind of freaking me out. I'm from California, so not used to this.

I shut my eyes tight, hoping this is a dream. Actually, I hope the last two years of my life is just be a dream. Two years of endless starving and doing whatever drugs that would "help" me lose weight. Well look where that got me. Depressed, annoyed, hopeless...and here.

"Hey...uh, Lilly?"

I open my eyes abruptly and stare at the door in front of me. A guy about my age is standing there, a small smile on his face. He has dirty brown hair that reaches the tip of his chin. He looks like the average teenage guy. Not like a fucked up teenager like myself.

"Um, hi?"

"I'm Oliver. Apparently I'm supposed to show you around."

I take a deep breath and try to smile. "Okay. I'm ready."

"So, why are you here? If you...don't mind me asking."

I scoff. Like he doesn't know why I'm here. I weigh ninety pounds, it's not that hard to tell.

"For...a lot of things." I glance uncomfortably at the ground, "You?"

"Substance abuse." he makes quotation marks with his hands. "And depression. Stuff like that."

I nod, surprised that he told me that. We hardly said four words to each other and he basically just spilled out his entire life.

"So, I'm guessing your parents shipped you off here?"

"Yeah." he sighs. "It's been five months. And not to burst your bubble or anything, but it sucks. I guess at some point in my life I'll look back and see it was the best thing that ever happened to me, but now I just fucking hate it."

"Great." I mumble sarcastically. That's exactly what I wanted to hear.

"So anyways, on with our tour. This is the fantastic therapy center."

"Yay." I stare into a tiny room. There are yoga type mats in a circle in the corner of the room. Other than that, there's just a small desk with a chair directly in front of it.

"You have like, five sessions a day. They'll help you with...whatever you're going through. You know, you never did tell me."

I snort. "Like you don't know."

"What? I don't!" Oliver defends himself. I roll my eyes. I figured all the guys I'd meet here would be idiots.

"It's pretty obvious."

"I swear, I have no idea!"

I narrow my eyes at him. "Right."

"Fine. I can kind of tell...but-"

"Then why did you lie to me?" I almost yell at him. I'm practically ready to break down. I run a hand through my tangled blond hair, god, I'm such a mess.

Oliver shrugs. "It's something they teach you here, to admit your problem."

"I don't have a problem!" I bark at him.

"People die from eating disorders everyday, you know."

I scoff, "I do NOT have an eating disorder! I just don't eat the same amount as everybody else!"

"Lilly, just face it, you do."

"I do not!"

"I know it's really hard to admit it. I didn't admit I'm an alcoholic till like, last month."

I widen my eyes. I guess you could call me an alcoholic. But then again, I'm fucked up in pretty much every way. I drink, I do drugs, I starve myself. On the very rare occasion when I do eat, I end up standing in front of the toilet puking my guts out. I need help, and I need it now. I shut my eyes, tight. I'm so messed up. I'm gonna die young and waste my entire life. As of now, this whole recovery thing looks like it's going to suck.

"What's it like...recovering?"

"It's horrible. I'm all moody and I act like a complete douche most of the time. They try to convince me that I can live a alcohol free life, but now I'm kind of starting to doubt it."

"Really?" I say, horrified. "Why?"

He shrugs. "My entire life revolved around alcohol."

An eerie feeling runs over me. In a way, mine does too, with cocaine. I can't have food, so I do coke. It used to seem like logic. That's just what I do, I've done it for years, it's my life. People have come up to me and told me I'm going to die if I keep living like this. It never effected me too much. Stay pretty, die young. But now that I think about it, that's the exact opposite of what I am. Pretty. Sometimes I look in the mirror and see a fat girl, but sometimes I look and I see...a broken one. I see my bones stick out of my chest, looking so out of place. I see how my legs look like toothpicks. I see the dark circles around my bloodshot eyes. I think, maybe I should eat. Maybe it will be better if I do. But then I force a smile and tell myself to shut up. I used to just sit in my room and pinch the edge of my elbow, pulling up the skin coating it. I would sob and say how fat I am. There is definitely a monster inside of me.

"Lilly? Lilly? What's wrong?" Oliver looks worried.

"What? N-nothing." I touch my face and notice it's wet with tears.

"Aw, Lilly." He pulls me into a hug, which is the tiniest bit awkward yet also releaving.

"I'm s-sorry." I blubber into his shoulder, gripping onto the back of his shirt.

I take a deep breath and sigh."Can I just go back to my room?"

Oliver glances at the clock. "Actually, it's lunch time."

I bite my lip. It's not like I'm going to eat lunch anyway. "You know what? I'll just go get settled and everything."

He raises his eyebrows at me. "You have to eat."

"No I don't."

"Yes, you do."

"I don't have to eat any other day, so I don't have to eat today."

"Listen, Lilly-"

A brunette woman in sweatpants smiles at Oliver.

"Hello, Oliver! So you're showing our new patient around!" she says excitedly and turns to me. "I don't think we formally met, I'm Kimberly Jones, the head of New Beginnings."

I shake her hand and fake smile. What am I supposed to do, act like I'm all psyched to be here?

"So I take it you two are going to lunch?"

"Yep." Oliver answers at the exact time I answer "No."

"Lilly, lunch is around now. I'm sure Oliver will show you around the cafeteria!" She gives me a cheesy smile.

"I'm sure he will." I mumble. "Thank you."

She walks off and I roll my eyes. "I'm not eating!"

He smirks, getting dangerously close. I'm too tired to even try to push him away from me. "Eat." he whispers. He's so close I can feel his breath on my face. I bet he's a player, seducing every girl who comes here. He must have a fetish for dying girls or something.

"Fine. Take me to the cafeteria."

He smiles softly and walks me to a small cabin like room. The walls are wood as are the floors, and there isn't one window in the entire room. It has a buffet line and shit like that.

Oliver begins to put food on his plate and I just grab a bottled water. He looks disapprovingly at my empty plate.

"You need to eat."

"I believe we went over this. I don't eat."

"I'm staying here until you eat a slice of pizza."

I gasp. A slice of pizza? Could he have picked a more calorie packed food? I look uneasily at the pizza across the room.

"I-I can't have pizza. It has like 400 calories a-and-"

"Fine," Oliver says, obviously annoyed with my pointless complaining, "Then eat an apple or something!"

"No! I'm only supposed to have 200 calories a day and I already went over that during breakfast!"

He raises his eyebrows. "You can't live off of 200 calories a day."

"No. But what if- what if I don't want to live?" I start sobbing, biting my lip till it bleeds. It's not fair that I act like this. I've got everything I've ever wanted in life. But I just knocked it down and made everyone in my life have to work so much more. All for me and the stupid ass problems I started.

"Here...um, come on." Oliver says to me, practically dragging me out of the cafeteria. I try to stop sobbing, but there's no point. I'm already ruined. The drugs have ruined me. The alcohol has ruined me. The eating disorder has ruined me. I'm just a broken piece of shit right now. Since I've already made myself dead inside, what's the point? Why don't I just fucking die?

I'm numb until I feel the cool air swirl around me. I noticed Oliver dragged me outside.

"Why am I here?" I put my arms around my waist and sniffle.

"we're going to the gazebo. It's where a lot of us come here, to... I dunno, just vent and stuff."

I start sobbing harder, sitting down on one of the hard wooden seats. I bring my knees to my chest and wrap my arms around my legs, crying.

"I f-feel so horrible. I don't want to be here. N-nothing can fix me!"

"Aw, Lilly. That's not true. It will help you."

"You s-said it sucks."

His face clouds over. "Is this because of what I said? Oh my god, I didn't mean it that way. I mean...like, it's hard but in the long run, New Beginnings is good. It makes you an entirely new person!"

I start blubbering even more and notice Oliver looks worried for me. "Why do you care about me a-anyway?"

"Because I know that behind the eating disorder and drugs and everything...there's a sweet, down to earth girl. I know they can fix you."

"I'm just a worthless piece of crap. I don't deserve this!"

"But you do! You know, you'd be really pretty if you gained weight. You're so bony." he whispers.

"Yeah, right. You're lying. No guy actually thinks that way. If anything, I need to lose weight."

Oliver's face cramps up just hearing that. "Lilly! That is not true! I think you're b-beautiful!"

I widen my eyes and he blushes. "I-I mean-"

I kind of smile, as much as I can, anyway. "Thanks."

As much as I don't like to admit it, Oliver is really sweet. No one else ever handled me this well. Ever. The only thing my mom ever talks about is my anorexia. We can't hold one conversation that isn't about it. She just cries all the time and tries to make me eat. She thinks it's my choice that I'm like this, when it's obviously not. Who would choose to be so broken? And my dad, he hasn't even tried to hold a conversation since I lost my period and was actually diagnosed anorexic. Even though my parents are divorced, he could at least call me. I dropped out of school and did my assignments online because I was so weak. Not like anyone at school even bothered to talk to me once I left. But with Oliver...it's different. It's like he understands. He gets what I'm going through and he doesn't want to push me away, he wants to...help me.

"Thank you." I say softly, "Thanks for trying to help me. It means a lot."

I start to cry again but this time it's a mix of happy and sad tears. Yeah, I ruined my entire teenage years with this, but now I'm getting help. And I'm determined. I have hope in myself, that by the time I'm out of here, the eating disorder will be gone. The depression will be gone. I'll never do drugs or drink again in my life.

"Let's be best friends." Oliver murmurs to me.

"What?"

"Do. You. Want. To. Be. Best. Friends?"

"What, are we three?" I joke.

"No. But I'll make you a deal, if you go back to the cafeteria and finish an entire salad, you can be my best friend."

I shake my head. "I told you, I went over my calorie limit today."

"Please do it, for me?" He makes puppy dog eyes at me and I smile the tiniest bit.

"Fine. One salad."

"One salad." Oliver clarifies.

I nod. I'm determined to get better. An salad is only like...200 calories. And 200 calories isn't that much, right? I mean, I can always just purge or work out after I eat it.

A worried look creases my face and my eyes cloud with tears. This is going to take some getting used to, but I'm going to do it.

I take a deep breath and smile shakily at Oliver. "Let's go."

He grins. "Seriously? Aw, I'm proud of you! See? It's that easy."

I smile back but I'm still worried. Honestly, is it that easy? I look at Oliver again. Maybe it is. He's helping me, he actually cares about me. If he wants to see me get better, shouldn't I want to see myself get better? And maybe I do. I mean, now that I met Oliver, I actually...have a reason to live.

If you review I'll make the next one quick. Tell me what you think. Too dark? Too deep? I dunno, tell me! Thanks for reading :).