The Moment
By Indus
Disclaimer: Again, no copyright infringement of JK Rowling, Warner Bros. and publishers of Harry Potter intended. This is for non-commercial uses only. Any original characters are mine and I am usually willing to share if my permission is asked.
Summary: Remus comes to terms with the truth. Post Prisoner of Azkaban, Remus' POV.
PG13: Not slash, since it's a friendship story, but some not-so-nice language.
The truth… now that's a popular topic for intellectuals. I guess someone could say I am an intellectual, being a Professor who's somewhat of an expert on Dark Arts, and there are times when I can be philosophical. I can just see James saying, "Profound," acting awed by whatever I said, and then turning to Sirius and rolling his eyes. But Lily would always stick up for me and insist that the moon made me wiser than the rest of the boys my age. She would usually end that with a wiseass comment on the lines of even Snape being wiser than the Marauders. I suppose that's ironic considering how he's the only one of us who's achieved some level of success. Moony, Wormtail, Padfoot, Prongs and Lily: the Marauders and girl… but it was all a lie.
I thought I came to terms with the lies in November, almost thirteen years ago. I wasn't close enough to any community, Muggle or Wizarding, to receive the news immediately and I found out about James and Lily the same day I learned about Sirius, Peter and the thirteen other victims. It was a shock, and it took me months of listening and seeing the evidence to finally begin to believe what I was told was the truth.
But of course it wasn't the right truth, or the right traitor. The strange thing is that I just went to Peter's memorial before coming to Hogwarts, and cried, telling him I was going to take care of Harry. Oh Peter, Peter, I never thought I would have to guard James' son from you.
I didn't think it was possible to feel nothing, but my heart is stone cold. It has been hurt one time too often, I suppose. The last straw was leaving Harry, and my memories and dreams behind. I don't know where I'll go, but I know I can't be there for long. Someone will find out, and there won't be room for me. It doesn't matter if a one-year old child breaks Voldemort into a million pieces; people will still say You-Know-Who instead of Voldemort, and hate werewolves more than Death Eaters.
Most people would probably be surprised to know that the truth does not make me feel any happier. When the traitor was Sirius, it was difficult to believe but I could attain some level of comfort in the thought that if James didn't know, I could not be expected to know. But if those two Marauders were close, then so were Peter and I, and I should have had some idea. So maybe I am guilty of being too trusting.
But that's not why I feel so devastated. Thirteen years ago, I would have sworn that they would have made me Secret-Keeper before Peter, and a few days ago I found out that I would have been wrong. What is the saying? At the end of the day, blood wins out over friendship, or something like that. I guess in this case human wins out over wolf.
I never thought they would think of me that way. What happened to trusting me enough to use forbidden and difficult magic and risking their lives just to make my transformation easier? But at the end of the day, James, Sirius and Lily were as prejudiced as the rest.
I'm not saying that werewolves weren't dangerous during Voldemort's reign. After all, we all know that if he had won total control, unfortunate dark creatures like myself would be a lot better off. And we all suffered at the hands of prejudiced wizards and lynch mobs after his fall. But I have never wavered from one path, and they should have known nothing could make me leave Dumbledore's side to join the Dark Lord.
My God, that woman across the street is kicking her dog brutally! It's big and black, could it be? No, it's just a normal canine. Sirius is probably halfway to Antarctica by now.
I'm disappointed.
I thought I'd done with feelings, but it seems they were just on holiday. I wanted that dog to be Sirius, and for one glorious second I thought it was. Oh Sirius, you did hurt me, but I think I would forgive it all if I could just sit down and talk with you.
My step lightens, along with my heart. It suddenly strikes me that I have talked with you, and if all goes well, I will talk to you again. Last year, last month and even last year, I was alone. Three of the only people who ever accepted, protected and loved me were dead, while the fourth was a traitor and murderer, and had taken them away from me. I was alone, and if the Grim had come after me no one would have cared. In fact, I remember reading my obituary in the newspaper once when they mixed up names, and no one called to check on me.
And now it struck me that I am not alone. Padfoot, you're here, and you're not a murderer or a traitor. I suddenly feel as if anything is possible. I know that Voldemort will rise, the signs are all there, and it will be soon. And I know that Muggles and witches alike think you are evil, and want to steal your soul, but I feel sure that you will live to see me, even if it is in battle. I don't know whether we both, or even one, will survive, but it doesn't matter. You're alive and good, somewhere in the world, and I can settle for that now. But one day you and I will talk, and remember. Though it will be painful, we'll visit old haunts.
Oh Sirius, do you remember those days at Hogwarts? The Dark Lord was rising, the full moon did its curse every month, but we were happy. James and Lily found a way to love and created a child, and despite the lack of love in his life, I think Harry had a better childhood than I. His years at Hogwarts have been filled with danger and intrigue that have made him older than his time, but he has two friends who almost died for him within a year of meeting him. Somehow, I don't see either Ron or Hermione going the path of Peter.
Peter… Despite Harry's decision, I want to kill him. He knew how much I needed the three of them to help me handle the wolf. Peter killed us all that night. James and Lily are literally dead, Sirius might as well have been for twelve years and I've been alone.
But I won't be. Not for long, at least.