Imprint Upon My Heart
Tony held the cup carrier in his left hand and with his right he held the door open for her. She departed the intense aroma of the café and joined him outside on the sidewalk. Once there she popped open her umbrella and rested it on her left shoulder, twirling it as they began to walk.
"Might not need that anymore, Abby. Looks like it's brightening up!" Tony commented optimistically and peered up at the sky. His inspection of the heavens promptly resulted in a big fat raindrop splashing down onto the tip of his nose. He swiped away the moisture from his skin with his free hand while making a dejected face up towards the sky. Abby let out a chuckle. Tony always had a way of provoking the cosmos into reaction. It was part of what she loved about him the most.
But he had been correct. The sky had changed since they had stepped inside the coffee shop. There was a hazy glow overhead. The sun was fighting to burn through the charcoal gray colored blanket of clouds that had covered the city all morning long.
She and Tony had even waited out one seriously torrential downpour inside the café. At least they had been tucked away safely indoors when the onslaught of heavy sheets of rain had suddenly arrived. Major luck since the closest free parking spot had been much further down the block and around the corner.
So when the rain started they had settled in at a table near a window and poked fun at the poor souls outside who had not been quite so fortunate. Abby's favorite had been a woman exiting the copy and print center across the street. She had emerged juggling stacks of brightly colored copies, rolled up posters, and a box overflowing with envelopes. The door to the store had barely closed at her back when the rainstorm went into overdrive. Watching her awkwardly race to her vehicle and try to get in without dropping anything had been incredibly amusing. Especially since Abby had caught some of the curses exiting the woman's mouth by reading her lips. Although Tony hadn't been able to resist commenting on how the woman's white business blouse had gotten so soaked it had become see through and clung tightly against her body. Remembering this part Abby hauled off and punched Tony in the upper arm.
"Hey! What was that for?" he cried out.
"Naughty thinking."
"How did know what I was thinking about? I mean…ya know…not that I was…thinking it right at the moment," he stammered out and stole a glance over at her to assess her current mood. She met his eyes, delivering an oh right! sure you weren't! Expression.
"Okay, maybe I was. But in my defense I'm a healthy all American boy."
"I was referring to back at the café. The copy and print lady."
"Oh. Right. Sorry about that Abby. You know I don't mean to offend you when these things come out of my mouth, right?"
"I guess," she replied quietly. The trace of sadness in her voice did not go unnoticed by Tony. He looked over at her as they continued along the sidewalk. But she looked up ahead. Her chin tilted just slightly towards her chest. With his right hand Tony placed his fingertips on her left arm and gave her arm a squeeze. She finally looked over at him and they stopped walking at the same instant and turned towards one another.
"Abby? What do you mean you guess? You know I would never deliberately say anything to upset you, right?"
"I know. It's just…"
"Just what?"
"It's just sometimes I don't understand why you continue to make comments like that when you don't have to anymore. You have us now. We know it's not the guy you are underneath."
"I'm sorry Abby. It's kind of a knee jerk reaction at this point. But for you I will do my best to work on it."
"Promise."
"Sure."
"Pinkie promise?"
"Is that really necessary?" Tony asked glancing around at the very public place where they stood and all the people coming and going on the sidewalk nearby. It was fine in her lab or even in the bullpen but he was in the open here. He looked back to Abby. Her answer was that disappointed little girl type of expression that Tony was powerless to deny giving in to completely.
"Okay, I …pinkie promise," he whispered and offered her the little finger on his right hand. Abby reached out and sealed the deal with her own pinkie finger.
As they began walking again Abby switched her umbrella to the opposite shoulder and with her now free left arm she hooked it around Tony's elbow so that her hand rested on his sleeve and their arms were woven together. Abby could tell that Tony glanced over in reaction and felt the soft smile that now tugged at his lips.
Their connection had always held a boundless kind of warmth to it. Somehow they never failed to find comfort in one another's presence. Words didn't have to be exchanged. There was a stripped down simplicity to their brother-sister bond. Any pressures they were under melted away and they were simply content in the other's companionship. Any difference of opinion they had never lasted long and both had a permanent first class reservation for the other in their hearts.
They walked contently in silence, casually making their way in the direction of the parking spot where they had left Tony's car. The ringing of his cell phone interrupted their peaceful moment just as they were rounding the corner onto the side street where they had left the vehicle.
"I can get that!" Abby chimed in and before he even had a chance to so much as reach for the phone Abby was already grabbing it off his person.
"Okay, I'll just let you get it then," he stated since that was all that was left for him to do. Abby glanced at the caller id and flipped open the phone.
"Hey McGee!" she cheerfully greeted the caller. Tony smirked at the stammering he could make out coming from the field agent on the other end of the line. Clearly McGee had been as surprised by Abby answering his phone as he had been when Abby frisked his person in search of the cell.
"Oh no. Everything's super okay! Tony just had his hands full is all." she responded then listened for a moment.
"We'll be back pronto. Just got delayed by a major kick butt downpour." Tony could just make out McGee's attempt at covering his concern at their delay by saying the boss' mood could really use a refill.
"On it! DiNozzo and Sciuto to the rescue! Bye McGee."
Abby took the phone away from her ear after he said his goodbye. Then shifted her gaze downward to the display on the cell to ensure that she had ended the call. In the next instant the phone flew out of her hands up into the air as the jolt of being body slammed from the side arrived.
The shove she received to the left side of her body was harsh but the rough landing on the concrete sidewalk was sharp and awkward. It elicited a sound which arrived in the air as a combination of a grunt and a surprised yelp as it escaped from her body. She started to collect herself and lifted her head slightly off the damp cold sidewalk just in time to see something else abruptly meet the ground.
The coffee carrier Tony had been carrying impacted the pavement harshly on its side. The cups toppled out of their slots. One lost its lid, spilling the latte colored contents onto the darker shade of the roadway. Another began to leak its own darker liquid from underneath its cracked lid and created a waterfall down over the other cups. Abby stared at it rather stunned and for some reason its presence there elicited a verbal response from her.
"Whoa! Tony what the hel…" she began to cry out but her words were cut short by his now yelling voice.
"Federal agent! Don't do it!" Tony cried out. Command saturated his tone. Abby propped herself up on her elbows and lifted her gaze away from the concrete in search of him. But found herself now huddled at the side of a trash dumpster where Tony must have shoved or quite possibly flung her. She wasn't entirely certain given the speed and the roughness at which it had occurred.
Getting up on her hands and knees she moved to the front edge of the dumpster. The voices were coming from street to the right of her location. Ever so slightly she peeked around the corner just enough to get a glimpse of what was happening. The first thing she saw was Tony who was beside his car. The passenger side door was open and he stood behind it with his weapon drawn and held out over the top of its frame.
Abby's eyes followed the trajectory of his line of sight and found two people opposite him a little further down along the narrow side street. The first was a rather angry looking man who had a handgun of his own drawn in his right hand and in the other he had a choke hold around the neck of incredibly terrified woman. They were next to the open driver's side door of a sedan parked on the same side of the street as she and Tony were located. Tony's voice brought her gaze back to him.
"I said put the weapon down! Now!" he ordered. Abby had never heard his voice so thoroughly solid and cold with authority. As unsettling as it was Abby collected herself enough to take action. At least do what little she could at that moment. Frantically she searched on her hands and knees in the area beside the dumpster in the hopes of finding Tony's cell phone. Her own phone had been in her purse and where that had landed wasn't exactly clear at the moment. The tense exchange between Tony and the gunmen continued. She could sense that the man was not giving up his stand and Tony's voice had shifted lower in octave and was edged with something she couldn't identify yet. Whatever it was she didn't care for it one bit. It was not the voice of the Tony she knew. It was harder, grittier.
"Yes!" she tossed out as she spotted the top of the phone sticking out from behind a newspaper vending machine at the edge of the sidewalk. There was a gap of several feet though between it and the front edge of the dumpster where she was safely hidden. In order to get to it she would have to be momentarily out in the open. She looked back out at the scene on the street and then back longingly at the cell. Perhaps by now someone else had called for help. Did it even work after flying out of her hands and smashing onto the concrete below? She looked around her pondering her options and it was then she noticed that her umbrella had landed with her behind the dumpster. She quickly scooped it up and closed the top of it. She looked at the length of it and then back at the phone. It would be close but it was long enough to cover the gap. Before she had the chance to try for the phone the volume of what was happening out on the street drew her attention back towards it.
"This is the only way!" the man yelled across the gap between he and Tony.
"No. No it's not. Now put the weapon down. Let her go. And nothing gets any worse than it already is!" Tony called back. The man was getting more agitated as he seemed to be hearing Tony's words but still mentally tugged between which direction he would ultimately go in. Finally he spoke again. This time he was screaming and at the same time jabbing the barrel of his weapon into the woman's body painfully hard. She was wincing in response.
"She won't let me see my son. That's all I want. That's all but no she says I can't. The court says I can't."
Abby could see that the woman started to open her mouth to speak but Tony threw her a hard look which begged her to stay silent. The hostage got the message and reigned in whatever it was she had been about to say. Abby could tell by the expression he wore that Tony knew it would do nothing but make matters worse.
"This is not the way to do it. In fact this is the one way for certain that you will never see your son again. I can guarantee it. If you put down the gun and let her go there's still a chance."
"I've already tried everybody else's way. Her way. The court's way. I am done letting everybody get between me and my son. Her! The court! Now you! This time it's my way!"
The man then released his choke hold on the petite woman and shifted so now he had her by the hair. He forced her to her knees by shoving harshly down on the top of her head.
"He's my son now!" he screamed at her and began to raise the gun up in her direction.
Then it was as if someone had reached into Abby's chest and clenched her heart inside their incredibly powerful fist as the sharp sound of that first shot tore through the air. Then that imaginary fist twisted its hold, tearing her heart to shreds, as four more rang out in rapid succession. Every single one fired from Tony's weapon. Each and every one of them entered the body of the gunman causing him to jerk with their impact before he went limp and dropped to the ground.
Then silence gripped the air and the street and everything it seemed. It was then that realization crashed into Abby. She should have closed her eyes or looked away or mentally departed for a moment. But now it was too late. The image was forever imprinted upon her heart. She would never erase the image of her friend, her brother, taking the life of another human being.
Abby slid down behind the dumpster. Bringing her knees up to her chest she wrapped her arms around them snugly and bowed her head.
Then sound returned to the street. Shouted voices. Doors slamming. Approaching sirens. As the seconds ticked by they melted into one another creating a hybrid type white noise. Then through all of that the urgent pace of running footsteps growing closer and closer became more and more distinguishable.
They stopped and Tony appeared above her, his breath winded and features flush with worry.
"Are you hurt? Abby, are you alright?" he pleaded and squatted down in front of her. His voice was riddled with concern and urgency and she couldn't grasp on to how he could be so worried over her in this moment.
"Of course I am Tony!" she snapped. The tone came out all wrong though, annoyed rather than empathetic. She had intended it to arrive more in way that showed that she was okay but he was the one they should focus on right now. Instead it had met the air and his ears more than likely as sounding as if she was irritated he had showed concern and that she was agitated at him thinking she couldn't handle all of this. She was silent for a moment trying desperately to find the right words to fix it but he spoke before she found them.
"Guess we'll have to make a second trip to the café. We sort of messed up our order," Tony commented looking down at the coffee colored puddle on the pavement. The remark earned him a harsh punch to the shoulder.
"Ouch! What was that for?"
"Now is no time for making jokes."
"I'm sorry Abby. I was just trying to make you feel better. Sad is not my favorite look on you," he stated softly. The sincerity in his voice washed a deep ache through her heart. She should have known that he only said it to distract her or draw a smile from her. After what he had just done, what he had just experienced, Tony was worried about her? How could she have been so insensitive?
She lifted her head up off its resting place atop her folded arms which were wrapped around her knees. But he had already stood up and the hug she wanted to give him dissolved into nothing more than a sad tug to his pant leg. She sensed his gaze shift downwards to her, but she couldn't bear to look up at him. She had more than likely hurt him with her words and the injury in his eyes would have made it impossible to keep all the tears at bay. So her gaze remained downcast upon the tips of his meticulously polished shoes instead of up into his green gaze.
Through her haze she vaguely heard him say something about someone coming to pick her up. That he needed to stay and deal with the local LEOs.
He had squatted back down in front of her. And despite looking right at his face no more than a foot away from her own she couldn't grasp onto what he was saying. His lips were moving, but the words didn't come to her either through her ears or any attempt at reading them on his lips in their original form. Instead it all arrived as slush, a cold jumbled up mess of meaningless sounds.
Her mind registered his dejected expression at her lack of response to him a handful of seconds too late. He had already stood up, moving away to talk on his cell phone which he must have recovered from the sidewalk. She wanted to jump up, go to him, and hug him with all her heart but her muscles were frozen in place. So all she could do was look over at him. He had gone into professional federal agent mode again. And usually there was a clear divide between the look in his eyes and in his expression when he was in federal agent mode verses just regular Tony mode. But in that moment there was something in his unsettled gaze down at the weapon in his hand or in the strain that tugged at the corners of his mouth that cried out to her that this time the two had overlapped. He was struggling. Finally it was too much to bear and Abby looked away, buried her face in her hands, and shut out her surroundings.
The sensation that quite a bit of time had passed crept in as the sound of someone speaking directly to her drew her back to reality. Her shell broke away little by little.
"Come on Abby!" Tim's voice stated gently. It was accompanied by his hand outstretched to her from above. Both things encouraged her to stand. But it took her bringing her gaze up to meet the warmth and caring brimming in his eyes that finally helped to lift enough weight off her shoulders so she was able get up from the cold damp ground.
"I'm going to take you home alright?" he whispered and gave her hand clasped inside his own a reassuring squeeze.
"No."
"Abby, Tony asked me to take you home and look after you."
"Since when do listen to Tony?" she grumbled in reply.
"Since he told me you were upset and shouldn't be alone. He said that you…."
"He said what?"
"Never mind. Let's get you home okay."
"No. You tell me what he said!" McGee simply looked back in reply his eyes begging her to forget he had said anything.
"Now McGee!" she demanded.
"He said you didn't seem to want it to be him. He said that you seemed mad at him so he asked me to take care of you."
"No! Tim! No! I'm not mad at him. Not one iota. Not a single solitary quark. I've got to go tell hi …"
"Abby!" he stated firmly and held her back with a hand around her upper arm.
"Let me go Tim!"
"Abby calm down. Tony has to deal with the scene and the local LEOs right now. Let him do what he has to do. We can write up your statement at your place."
"Alright fine but I'm not going home. I'm going back to the lab so I can talk to him as soon as he comes back."
"Alright. I'll take you to the lab if you take a few breaths and calm down."
With that she gave him a sad smile and squeezed his hand just as he had squeezed hers earlier. She inhaled and exhaled a few deep breaths. Tim tightened his grasp on her hand a little more securely perhaps in fear she would try to bolt in an attempt to seek out Tony. He didn't let go until she was in the passenger seat of his car. Even then he seemed to hurry to get in the drivers side and start the engine. Before they turned the corner out of the narrow side street Abby looked in the side mirror. She had hoped to get a glimpse of Tony but he had simply vanished.
They rode back to the navy yard for the most part in quiet. Tim couldn't stop himself from asking once in while if she was going to be alright. She had responded with a bob of the head up and down or a quick rather unconvincing "Yep" reply. Once they arrived back at headquarters Tim escorted all the way back to her lab.
"I can hang out for a while. Maybe we could get some lunch," McGee suggested as they entered the room.
"Not really hungry. But I think maybe a little work would be good."
McGee was about to respond when his phone began ringing. He snatched it up and glanced at the caller id before answering it.
"Hey Boss!" he stated into the phone. Then he listened for a moment to the reply. He glanced over to Abby then spoke again.
"Yeah no she'll be okay. Said she is feeling better already."
"I'm okay Gibbs." Abby called out loud enough that the bossman would be able to hear it on the other end.
Abby could hear Gibbs faintly on the other end instructing Tim to stay there until she seemed okay on her own and that he would be down in a bit to check on her. She also could make out his quieter words that informed Tim that he had some computer "investigating" to do when he returned topside.
"Got it Boss!" McGee replied and snapped shut the phone.
"Go McGee. I'll be fine here in my lab with the guys."
"No. Gibbs' orders. Case can wait."
"I can handle it McGee."
"Are you sure?"
"Yes I am double decker positively sure!" she informed him and jumping into action moving about the lab. She turned on some tunes, just slightly lower in volume than usual though. Tim watched her pull on a pair of gloves and then begin to organize some of her test tubes and evidence bags. Finally McGee spoke up.
"Well, okay, but remember I am just a phone call away."
"Have you on speed dial McGee," she replied. Tim, however, did not move right away. He looked skeptical and a bit torn on whether to stay or go.
"Go McGee!" she instructed with a shooing gesture of the hand in his direction. He rather reluctantly nodded and then departed the lab.
She counted in her head the normal amount of seconds it would take him to make the elevator and get inside. Then for good measure she added in a buffer of half a minute to cover his skepticism and reluctance. When that had passed she was relatively confident he would not return right away so she tore the latex gloves from her hands and snatched up the remote from the table. With one click silence returned to her lab. She stood still for a moment, a little lost and thoroughly overwhelmed. She couldn't seem to pick a direction worth moving in right at that moment. She sadly glanced around at her surroundings suddenly realizing that today it was just a room filled with machines and not the usual home filled with companions it was normally. Today not even Major Mass Spec could distract her from her thoughts. The sudden sterility and hollowness of the lab struck her and she sunk to the floor.
She drew her knees in up towards her chest and crossed her arms on top of them. Finally she rested her chin on her arm and that was the way she stayed as her mind stumbled through what had happened.
Intellectually she knew that this is sometimes what the words in the line of duty meant - that in order to prevent injury to themselves or another that agents had to eliminate the threat. She knew that every shot they fired was intended as a kill shot. She knew it had to be that way.
She had overheard Tony talk one day about how when he was a police officer people used to ask him why police didn't just shoot the bad guy in the leg or the hand. She remembered his description of how he would restrain his irritation and then explain that for one thing even if you shoot someone in the leg it won't necessarily prevent them from carrying out harming another. Being shot in the leg sure does hurt but it doesn't stop the use of a trigger finger or the ability to say plunge a knife into someone. After he had covered that they had inevitably asked then why not shoot them in the arm or hand. He had stated that his thought had been to say Do you have any freaking idea what my odds are of actually hitting an arm or hand while it's moving around, pumped up on adrenaline or drugs or insanity? He then went on to state that he didn't actually say this out loud despite his intense desire to do just that. Instead he explained to the person questioning that it was too risky, potentially leaving the aggressor ample time to inflict injury or death.
Intellectually Abby had understood all of that.
It was actually witnessing it that etched deep grooves of sorrow into her heart.
Tony had killed another human being right in front of her. A life had been taken by his hand. Even if he had no choice and had done the right thing in order to save an innocent bystander there had to be ripple effects from that for him. You don't just stop someone's heart without it affecting you in one way or another.
She knew the facts especially the one that was playing on a loop inside her head. The one that reminded her that this was not the first person Tony had been forced to shoot and kill. The thought made her reach under the table beside her and pull Bert out from the spot where she last stowed him away. She wrapped her arms around him and held him snugly to her chest. The hippo let out a fart but the usually amusing sound didn't bring a single ounce of change to her deep frown.
She had read a few of the incident reports, seen the photographs, and processed the evidence, but all those tangible things had never sunk it into her in quite the same way as being there when it actually happened.
Her heart begged her to cry. She could feel the pressure growing on her chest. It felt like glass cracking, splintering, under a weight too great for it to hold. It wasn't fair. Underneath all his funny faces and off color jokes Tony was the sweetest guy. And one of her best friends, almost more like a brother. Why did he have to carry such a dark burden?
Suddenly her anger burst through the surface resulting in Bert being hurled through the air. He impacted the side of one of the tables and dropped with a fart onto the floor.
Unable to find the strength to get up Abby crawled on her hands and knees over to where the stuffed animal lay on its side. She picked him up and wrapped her arms tenderly around him, rocking back and forth.
"Are you okay? I'm so sorry Bert. I didn't mean to take it out on you."
The tears finally streamed down over her cheeks as the image of Tony's face just after he had fired his weapon flashed through her mind. That expression so excruciatingly torn between his commitment to duty and the sad hollowness that came with taking a life.
And she sat there as the last of the hazy sunlight streaming through the window gradually shifted to the dim grayness that comes with the arrival of dusk. The warm salty streams of her heartbreak for her friend rolled down off her cheeks onto the stuffed hippo's head. Her mind heavy with the memories of him, and the rest of team that felt more like a family, and all the things they had battled through on their own and together. There must be scars left behind she thought but somehow all she seemed to be able see was how beautifully and uniquely each of their souls continued to remain.
"It's not fair!" she angrily whispered out into the darkness now nearly engulfing the lab.
"What's not fair?" the darkness asked back.
"Whoa! Okay creepy." she stated and glanced around the room. She discovered that it had not been the darkness at all but the person now standing just inside the doorway to the lab. She looked over at him and swallowed down her tears. Her lack of a reply drew him to walk deeper into the room. He stopped a few feet away then his voice piped up again.
"Okay if I sit?"
She nodded up at him that it was fine and he settled into the spot beside her with his back leaned up against the table. They sat in silent darkness for a moment before Abby quietly spoke but the full sentence she wished it to be didn't come out. So it just ended up being the slow playful speaking of his name.
"Ton-y."
"Ab-by," he replied in kind.
"Glad you're here."
"Tim told me you wanted to see me."
"Of course I wanted to see you. Why wouldn't I want to see you?" Abby responded with a trace of uncertainty in her voice. She had so many things she longed to say to him but they all seemed to go into hiding when she opened her mouth to speak them aloud. So her statements were coming out in small pieces instead.
"Well I just wasn't sure is all," he stated and dropped his head back against the table behind him. Abby stole a glance over at him and found he had closed his eyes. He looked tired but somehow relaxed. Or was it exhaustion masquerading as relaxed? Or was it that he was numb? Not particularly caring where the thoughts were taking her she continued their conversation.
"Tim said that he thought that you thought that I was mad at you."
"He said something like that. It was hard to tell though. He was McStuttering and not making a whole lot of sense," Tony replied without moving his head or even opening his eyes. For a beat they lapsed back into silence again. It was Abby's voice that chased it away as she finally let all those captive words tumble from her mouth into the air.
"I'm so sorry Tony. I didn't mean to make you think that. I was just all mixed up and the words didn't come out the way I wanted them to. Stupid words! And I couldn't figure out how to fix it and then you walked away and…." she started to tell him. But the words seemed to pile up upon one another as she went along and she grew more upset at the memory. When she stopped speaking Tony opened his eyes and rolled his head to look over at her. He parted his lips to speak but she silenced him by gesturing with her hand for him to hold off a second. She cleared her throat and attempted to continue.
"Oh Tony I am so sorry!" she finally managed but the rest of words got caught up on a fresh supply of tears working their way towards the surface.
"Hey now. There's nothing for you to be sorry about okay?" Tony chimed in.
"But..."
"I think I may have misunderstood," he interrupted her with and looked her square in the eye. It was then that she realized he was saying it not necessarily because it was true but because he was trying to make her feel better. He did that a lot. Too much. He was always so ready to put something on himself if it lightened the load for someone he cared about. The fact that he was doing it now after the way she had treated him earlier that day was enough to push her tears back up through to the surface. Her voice now completely abandoned her and she truly cried. Wishing she could make it stop she buried her face in the palms of her hands. But the effort was futile. The tears wouldn't relent. Tony's hands on her wrists pulling her fingers from her face were accompanied by his voice.
"Hey. Now. Don't cry. It was my understanding that there's no crying in forensics."
"I'm just so sad," she choked out amidst her tears. It was all she could force her voice to speak even know there was so much more she wished to offer in her answer to him. Tony frowned, his features taunt with the intense emotions that lay just under the surface. He pulled her in against his chest. Her head tucked in under his chin. She could hear his heartbeat and the slight hitch in his breathing as he struggled to hold his own tears at bay. Then he simply let her cry. And whispered in her ear.
"Ssshhh. Sshh. Don't cry anymore."
He repeated the comforting whisper several more times in the moments that followed. The words and the gentleness in his voice drew her out a little from the head space in which she had gotten stuck. The tears retreated and her voice returned.
"I'm sorry I freaked on you back there. You know at the scene," she stated softly.
"Hey what's a little freaking out between friends?" he offered making it sound as if it was no big deal.
"Just another day around here, right?" she replied as she wiped away the moisture in her eyes with her fingertips and straightened up. He let out a chuckle and she couldn't help to smile at him. Of course, it only served as encouragement for him to verbally expand upon the topic she had started.
"This place wouldn't seem right without McGee freaking out about me super gluing some part of his body to some piece of office equipment. Or quite possibly to himself? Or Ziva freaking out because a boatload of spam is the only thing she can find on her computer and she wants somebody's ass to kick for it? Or Vance freaking out because SecNav is freaking out on him? Or Gibbs freaking out because none of us has any answers - at least any ones he wants to hear - to give him? Or me freaking out because I haven't gotten a good quality head slap in the last twenty minutes, therefore, something must be seriously wrong? Or Ducky freaking out because….wait does Ducky freak out because I'm not sure I've…" he trailed off into reflection, searching his memory for an example.
"Well I'm sure he freaked out at some point. Must have been out sick that day," he finally added.
"At Palmer maybe?" Abby suggested.
"Yeah could be!" he commented in response and let his gaze drift around the darkened room.
Once again they fell quiet each lost in their separate trains of thought. Abby's had returned to one particular thought from earlier when she had been seated on the cold concrete next to that dumpster.
"Tony," she said softly.
"Yeah Abby."
"What happened today, ya know, out there. Does it get to you?" Abby asked in a quiet nearly hesitant voice. He pondered it for a beat then replied.
"Sometimes," he answered. Abby could hear in his voice that it was the truth. She found herself taken off guard. It wouldn't have been a surprise if he had covered and said something that basically boiled down to as much as saying it was the job or something along those lines.
"Thanks for telling me the truth."
"Surprised ya, didn't I?" he inquired and gave her a teasing raised eyebrows shocked kind of expression. He always had a way of knowing when you thought he was going to do one thing after he had already done another.
"Tony!" she spat out exasperated with his inability to hold a serious moment for very long sometimes.
"What?"
"Stop messing around. I wanted to tell you something important."
"My bad. Go ahead." he offered and clammed up but she never spoke so he reassured her a bit.
"I promise not to goof around."
"See now the moment is all weirded out and awkward and stuff."
"Since when? My weirded out radar is not going off."
"Stop it."
"Abby, whatever it is I promise not to laugh or whatever you think it is that I might do."
"How do you know you are not going to do it unless you know what it is?" she asked and crossed her arm over her chest.
"Abby. Talk. "
"Okay. Okay. It's just I was thinking about today and what you di...had to do and it became real. I mean it was real before-the other times. But being there. Seeing it. It made me…" she told him but the thought seemed to refuse to be completed and her words trailed away.
"What Abby?" he dug in asking quietly but firmly.
"Sad."
"It'll fade Abby."
"No. I wasn't sad for that guy - well I was but that's not what I meant. I mean …I mean I was sad for you. Because after seeing that today it breaks my heart that you have to carry that around with you. That you will have that memory even though you did the right thing. I never realized until today what it might be like to go through that. I never understood how carrying that all on your own might affect you."
"I'm not all on my own Abby. I have you."
"Always and forever!" she informed him. Despite her tears still resonating faintly as a waver in her voice a smile was beginning to come to life on her face. Then she couldn't hold back another single second and engulfed him in the kind of hug only Abby could deliver.
"Good to know, Abby." he replied gently. The words got slightly muffled inside the hug. But Abby heard them with crystal clarity when she started to pull away and he wouldn't let her go.
The End