This is my take on which house the Akatsuki members would be in. This is an AU for the Akatsuki because Sasori and Tobi are in the group at the same time. And somehow when the Akatsuki got sent to England, Nagato and Yahiko are separate people instead of Nagato controlling Yahiko's corpse. Oh, and this is rate K+ for Hidan's edited mouth.

"Tobi, this is all your fault, un!" Deidara snapped at his childish partner.

"Tobi is sorry!" Tobi wailed. "Tobi is a bad boy!"

"What the h-?!" Hidan yelled. "I'm a little kid!"

"I'm not wooden anymore," Sasori observed, readjusting to his no-longer puppet body.

"Hey, who's the red-head with Leader's eyes?" asked Kisame. "And where's Samehada?"

The Amegakure trio stood close together, whispering. "What's going on?" asked Konan.

"How are we supposed to know?" asked Yahiko, the physical appearance of Pain, better known to his subordinates as 'Leader.'

"I say...we head towards that fortress over there," said Nagato, pointing at a very large castle with lighted windows. "We can seek shelter there, seeing as we're much more vulnerable in these forms than in our other forms. Speaking of which, it's good to have you back, Yahiko."

"They know you as leader, Yahiko," said Konan. "You speak to them."

"Hehe, right," said Yahiko. "Hey! People! We're gonna head over to that castle up that way and stay there for the night before figuring out how to get back to normal. Let's go!"

"Leader, sir, your eyes are different," Itachi noted as the group started moving.

"Yeah, so?" Yahiko asked.

"You're also not acting normally," said Kakuzu.

"How?" Yahiko asked, mentally sweat dropping.

"You're much more lively than you usually are. In fact, that red-head next to Konan's acting more like you," said both versions of Zetsu.

"Whatever," said Yahiko. "Don't question me." There was a collective 'yes, Leader, sir,' and then the group continued the rest of the way in silence.

When they reached the castle, they were let in by a rather large man with a funny accent, who brought them into a large hall. He told a sharp-looking woman that they must be late-comers, and left them.

"Hm," the woman said. "I'm Professor McGonagall. I hope in future years you won't miss the Hogwarts Express, and that you'll come in proper robes. We don't allow patterns. Your name?" she asked Yahiko, who happened to be in front.

"Yahiko," he said.

"Last name?" Professor McGonagall asked.

"Dunno. I'm an orphan," Yahiko half-lied. As if I'm going to tell you, old lady! he thought.

"I'm sorry about that. Well, please sit down and put on the hat."

"Ok..." Yahiko put on the ratty-looking hat. To his immense surprise, the hat spoke through his mind.

Hm, what have we here? the hat asked. Great leadership, strong loyalty to friends, tremendous ambition...

Yo! Get out of my head! That's private! Yahiko mentally yelled as he shielded his mind.

Alright then, the hat said politely. How about you tell me about yourself? Your life, your dreams...

I wanna bring about peace in the Shinobi world, said Yahiko. I've raised a group already; they're the people you see here with me. And we're gonna capture the tailed-beasts and use their power to create a great Genjutsu to bring about peace. That's what me and that weird old guy came up with, anyway.

Ah, I see, said the hat. Well, I think you'll do well with ambitious folks such as yourself, you're "SLYTHERIN!"

"Alright!" Yahiko cheered, feeling his youth returning to his 11-year-old form. Professor McGonagall gestured and sent him over to the Slytherin table.

"Next?" she asked.

"Tobi will go next!" Tobi exclaimed, running forward. "Tobi is a good boy!"

"Tobi, do you have a last name?" Professor McGonagall asked.

Tobi frowned. "Tobi did, but he doesn't remember anymore," he said.

"Alright. Please put the hat on."

Tobi put the hat on. Immediately the hat spoke. Hello, Tobi.

Tobi shrieked and yanked the hat off. "Hat talks! Hat talks!"

"No freaking duh, un!" Deidara yelled at his annoying partner. "Didn't you hear it talk for Leader, sir, un?"

Tobi grinned sheepishly behind his mask. "Oh. Tobi is sorry! Tobi will put the hat on now."

As soon as he put the hat back on, the hat said, Don't be scared, Tobi. I just need to sort you. Let's see, loves candy, wants to make Deidara-sempai happy with you, child's personality...with your faithful and open heart, I think you'll make a great "HUFFLEPUFF!"

"Yay!" Tobi cheered. "Tobi is a good boy!" He ran and sat down with the Hufflepuffs.

"Next. You, young man. Name?" Professor McGonagall asked, pointing to Hidan.

"Whatever you f- say, old b-," Hidan said. "It's Hidan. No last f- name. Actually, I've got one, but I sacrificed to be closer to Jashin-sama."

Professor McGonagall looked at him sharply. "We do not tolerate that sort of language here at Hogwarts," she said. "If I hear you speak like that again, I will give you a detention."

"Whatever, old hag," Hidan spat as he put the hat on.

The hat immediately sensed Hidan's shields and proceeded to ask him, Please, Hidan, tell me about yourself. What do you think are your strengths?

My immortality! Hidan exclaimed. It's pretty handy 'cause it means I can go around with Kakuzu-the-miser and not be killed by him, and I can go around and take any wounds without dying. Good thing too, 'cause if I died, I wouldn't be able to sacrifice to Lord Jashin.

You're not afraid of pain? the hat asked.

Of course not, said Hidan. I live for pain! It's my sacrifice to Lord Jashin.

Well, from what I can see is a bold young man who speaks his heart and mind without fear. I think you'll do well in "GRYFFINDOR!" the hat exclaimed.

"I've got no f- idea what the f- that s- means, but f- yeah!" Hidan yelled as he passed an angry Professor McGonagall and took his place at the Gryffindor table.

"Next," Professor McGonagall said. Kisame stepped up.

"I'm Hoshigaki Kisame," Kisame said as he put the hat on.

Hello, Kisame. You have shields as well. Ah, well, I'll just have to do it the long way. What do you consider your strengths?

Heh, so you do talk? Kisame asked. Cool. Well, I'm pretty good with my sword Samehada.

So you're a fighter, the hat said.

Yeah, pretty much, said Kisame.

Do you have a temper?

Uh…I guess? I mean, I get mad. I'm not as easy to get mad as Deidara is, though. I actually think.

Hm. You seem like a reasonably well-balanced person with brains, guts, and loyalty. You do pride yourself in loyalty, but I think of those options, I think you might find friends in… "GRYFFINDOR!"

"Yo, shark-face!" Hidan yelled. "Come on!" Kisame headed over to his comrade and sat down as Deidara stepped forward.

"I'm Deidara, un," he said. "I'm a boy, un. I just like my hair long, un. And no, I'm not gonna tell you my clan name, un." He put the hat on.

Goodness, hot temper, passionate for art, dislike of that nice boy Tobi… the hat said. Well, you're a no-brainer. "GRYFFINDOR!"

"Cool, un," said Deidara. "As long as I'm not near Tobi, un."

"Next, you, young lady," Professor McGonagall said, gesturing to Konan.

"I'm Konan, and I'm an orphan with no clan name," said Konan. She put the hat on.

I sense a great loyalty in you, the hat said. Unfortunate circumstances in your childhood, but you've risen above the past. I think you'll do best in… "HUFFLEPUFF!"

Konan went and sat next to Tobi as Sasori stepped forward.

"I am simply known as Akasuna no Sasori," said Sasori. He put the hat on.

Ah, skilled in anatomy, an artist…hm, impatient, seeking immortality, turned yourself into a puppet? Impressive in its own right, I suppose. Well, you have a thirst for knowledge, so I'll put you in… "RAVENCLAW!"

Sasori nodded and sat down at the Ravenclaw table.

"We are Zetsu," said Zetsu.

"We?" asked Professor McGonagall.

"Ignore his internal conflict," Kakuzu advised. Professor McGonagall obliged.

Zetsu put the hat on his…their head. Ah, two personalities in one body, the hat began.

Put us with Leader, sir, Zetsu said.

Leader, sir? the hat asked.

Put us with Pain-sama, Yahiko-sama, said Zetsu.

Are you certain? asked the hat.

Yes, said Zetsu. We are certain.

"SLYTHERIN!" the hat shouted. Zetsu got up and sat next to Yahiko.

"Um, hi," said Yahiko.

"Leader-sama, when can we eat people?" asked Zetsu. "No, we don't want to eat people! Yes, we do. People taste good. But eating people is bad!"

"I'll let you discuss that with yourself," said Yahiko, glancing over at Konan and mouthing 'Is he always like this?'. To his dismay, Konan nodded.

"Next," Professor McGonagall said, pretending that she hadn't heard Zetsu's debate.

"I'm Uchiha Itachi," said Itachi, stepping forward and placing the hat on his head.

Ah, an unconditional love for your brother, a fierce loyalty for your village…all to the point where you're willing to become the villain for the other's benefit…very befitting of… "HUFFLEPUFF!"

Itachi joined Konan and Tobi. Kakuzu got up.

"I'm Kakuzu. I'm not telling you my last name. I hate stalkers," said the nin as he grabbed the hat and put it on.

I don't appreciate being handled so roughly, the hat commented. Hm, I see a learned man with an obsession with money. You've acquired all of the elemental magics of your land, and have learned to use them all, very pragmatic in general…I think you could get somewhere in… "RAVENCLAW!"

Kakuzu joined Sasori and watched the last of the Akatsuki, the strange boy who no one except Konan and Leader /Yahiko seemed to know.

"I'm Nagato," he said quietly to Professor McGonagall. He put on the hat.

Ah, a difficult past, and a power rare and great, the hat commented. I see a strong loyalty to your friends Konan and Yahiko. Ah, in fact, you value your friendship with them above most else. I think you'll find yourself at home in… "HUFFLEPUFF!"

And with that the, the sorting was complete.

03-25-16: Hello, everyone! I'm impressed that people are still reading this mess. Anyway, I'm back, and I've edited all of these chapters in my attempt to remember where I was going with this story. No plot has been changed, but I've fixed grammar, changed phrasing, mended inconsistencies, etc. Also, behold what reading Victorian novels reveals…censoring words with lines! No more of that stupid bracket stuff where the f-bomb was [freak]; instead, any word that is not completely family-friendly has all but the first letter blanked out. Because yes, I'm trying to comply with 's rating system, and I don't feel that this is worth a T rating.