She is working in an orphanage in Serbia when Carlisle tracks her down. She takes one look at his kind, sad face and sighs.
They meet in her tiny quarters after most of the kids have been put to bed and make small talk as she decompresses and eats cheese and crackers. He asks about her work here and her mother and father back home in the States. He talks about Esme and his work in a hospital in Denmark. They don't talk about any other Cullens. There will be time for that later.
"Bella. I'm sorry, I wish I could give you more time." Carlisle lays a hand on her shoulder and squeezes gently.
"I know," She exhales before looking up at him and giving him a small smile. She's ready. Resigned and a little anxious, but they gave her more time than she expected. She had asked for a few years. A few years to be an ordinary person striving to do extraordinary things in a world that seemed doomed.
She got six.
She's grateful for the time she had, for the things she's seen and done. She's hopeful that they've made enough of an impact that she'll remember them on the other side of the venom.
She's stayed at this orphanage longer than most and they're sad, if not surprised to see her go. It's extraordinarily painful saying goodbye. More than she imagined. She has done her best to pour everything she is into them without forming special attachments. She's failed on several accounts.
Esme and Carlisle are a quiet comfort on the flights from Belgrade back to the States. Charlie picks her up from the airport in Seattle and they spend a tense but positive two weeks together. Charlie's intuitive and Bella knows it. Every time they've said goodbye over the last 6 years, and there are have been many goodbyes, he treats it like it'll be the last. This is the first time that Bella does the same. Charlie's jaw tightens in what seems like an attempt to choke down a groan and Bella's heart breaks for him.
"I love you, kid. And I'm so proud of you."
She whispers the same back and holds onto him tighter than ever before.
The drive up to Denali is long and cold. The heat in the car is on full blast but the cold has sunk into Bella's bones and she can't seem to warm up. The further north they get, the harder it is for Bella to swallow down the small seed of bitterness that's trying to take hold.
Six years ago this was all she wanted and she wanted it immediately. No questions, no thought for everyone else in her life. Now? If you were to ask her if she still wants this she wouldn't have an answer. There is no choice now. It is what it is. There's no fear, but there is some regret. Maybe a lot of regret.
"You don't want to go into this angry," Esme says quietly. Bella knows that it's hard for her to stay in the front seat while Bella's in the back stuck in her head. But Esme knows her children, even Bella, and she seems to know that what Bella needs right now is not hovering consoling but honest truth.
"I'm trying."
Bella sleeps the rest of the ride. She wakes instantly as the car stops. She's clear headed right away and groans a bit when she sits up. Sleeping has done nothing to keep the cold out and that, along with the position she's been in for the last few hours, leaves her sore and aching. She feels raw and exposed and as she looks out at the snow dusted wilderness surrounding their property. The house is at a low enough elevation on the outskirts of the park that there are still some trees. Bella is grateful for them. It helps her feel a little less vulnerable.
Carlisle looks back at her and asks quietly, "Are you ready?"
Honestly? She has to pee and she's anxious. Not a fabulous combination. But, yes. She's ready. So she smiles back and nods, "I'm ready."
Her body aches even more as she opens the car door and is no longer shielded from the cold and wind.
Esme takes her hand and leads her up the wide stone and concrete porch and through the front door. The rest of the family is already inside, standing around the room, still and quiet.
She really can't help the laughter that bubbles up as she looks at them. They aren't even trying to seem normal, which is strange and awkward and, yes, intimidating. Before anyone can say anything she asks after the bathroom and requests a moment to herself.
The bathroom is frigid and Bella takes care of her needs quickly, sucking in a breath when she washes her hands in the freezing cold water. She's caught off guard when she realizes that she'll probably never be warm again. In a few days the cold won't phase her, true, but it startles her how sad it makes her.
She heads back into the great room and is relieved that everyone seems to have relaxed somewhat. They seem to be waiting for her to make the first move, so she smiles and simply says, "Hi."
"Hello, Bella," She's surprised that he's the one to speak first. The look on Edward's face is inscrutable and that makes her wary but still, she wont deny how good it feels to be back in his presence and she can't help it when she reaches out toward him tentatively with her right hand.
And that's all it takes for his face to brighten into a gorgeous, timid smile.
"I missed you," he states plainly.
"I missed you, too," she answers, mostly honestly. She did miss him. It was a physical ache that lessened with time but never quite went away. It just slowly moved into the background, became less pressing and she's not lying when she believes that she's been too busy and too focused to actively miss him for a few years now. It's not until this moment as he takes her hand in his that she can feel it.
Peace. Quiet. Calm.
She has no last meal. At least not a formal one. She's slowly cut back on her food and water intake since Carlisle first came for her. It is a, possibly silly, attempt to reduce her blood volume so her eyes will transition faster but they figured it would be worth a try. She spends the rest of the day sitting with the strangely quiet family, holding Edward's hand and occasionally telling stories in a last ditch effort to etch her humanity into lasting memory. She's written much of it down over the years and has a small bag of miss-matched journals and notebooks up in her room. She wants to remember. She wants to keep the memory of all she's seen and done and remember that one ordinary, insignificant, blank-slate of a girl could impact a few lives. She wants to remember what it's like to be an ordinary human doing tiny things to chip away at the darkness.
The syringe of venom is ready; she already has one scar and they all agree she doesn't need another one. She lies down on the mattress they've set up on the floor (there's no sense in breaking a bed). As couples they come in and give soft words of encouragement.
"I think it's harder this way. Knowing ahead of time like we do. There's too much time to think and worry," Carlisle tells her. "You're going to do well, Bella. You've done well." He gently squeezes her hand and kisses her temple then turns and hands the syringe to Edward.
They had agreed to this, years ago. Edward would be the one to change her. But when she sees the shell-shocked look on Edward's face she almost calls Carlisle back into the room.
"Edward. Smile. This is a good thing," she coaxes.
He gives her a brief, tiny smile but it fades quickly. "I love you," he says, running his hand through her hair.
"And I love you. I'm not going anywhere. I'll be okay. We'll be okay. It'll be over before we know it."
Edwards nods, then leans down to kiss her. "Don't look, okay? Close your eyes," he whispers against her lips.
She complies and shivers as she feels the low neckline of her tank top being tugged a little lower.
"I'm sorry," he tells her.
And then she burns.