The Way I Loved You
He is sensible and so incredible and all my single friends are jealous
"So…how was your date with Dallas?" Trish ran up to me, squealing, followed by Laurie and Carly, my other two best friends.
"It was…nice." I said vaguely, turning away to hide my grin.
"Details, details!" Carly pressed. I laughed.
"Okay, okay! Well, he picked me up at half six, and he said I looked hot. My dad started asking him all these questions and I was so embarrassed, but Dallas just kept saying the right things and dad was smiling and he liked him!" I explained, happy. Dad never liked the guys I dated…
"Really? That's great! So what happened then?" Trish asked, grinning madly.
"Well, he opened the car door for me, and I got in. Then he got in his side and drove us to this really cute restaurant." I grinned.
"Was it awkward? The drive, I mean." Asked Laurie.
"Not really…he put the radio on, and drove pretty slowly. Almost every light was red, though, so he made a joke and I laughed. When we got there it was really packed, and I was sure we wouldn't get a table, but then he spoke to the waiter and it turned out he had made a reservation. He's so sensible and smart." I sighed.
"Nothing like the last guy then." Said Carly absentmindedly. I winced at the memory and Trish elbowed her.
"Shut up Carly." Laurie hissed.
"Sorry Ally. I wasn't thinking." She apologised. I shrugged.
"It's okay. I have Dallas now. I think. And Dallas is so incredible; I think he could be the one." I sighed. They all smiled, but I could tell from the looks in their eyes that they were jealous. So I dropped the subject, not wanting to rub it in.
He says everything I need to hear and it's like I couldn't ask for anything better
"Look at me! I'm so fucking ugly!" I shout, tears streaming down my face. I collapsed onto my bed, burying my head in my hands. Dallas sat down next to me, rubbing my back comfortingly.
"You're not ugly, Ally. You're gorgeous. I love you just the way you are, and I wouldn't change a thing about you. Forget her, she's nothing. I promise Ally you aren't ugly at all." He said honestly, pulling my head up by my chin and looking me in the eyes. I smiled at him, wiping away the tears.
"Thanks Dallas. You always say exactly what I need to hear." I sigh gratefully. He smiled, then leant down and kissed me. It was soft, and short, but it was our first kiss and I loved it. I couldn't have asked for anything better. Dallas was the perfect boyfriend; not pushy, or possessive, but not distant either. I knew he loved me. We had been dating for a month, and this was our first kiss. A lot of guys would have been trying on a lot more than that by now.
He opens up my door and I get into his car and he says you look beautiful tonight. And I feel perfectly fine.
He opens the passenger side door for me and I climb in. He grins at me.
"You look beautiful tonight, Ally."
"Thanks Dallas. You don't look too bad yourself." I grin, but I don't feel butterflies. We were on the way to prom, and whereas everyone else is so excited and smiley about prom, I don't feel anything. I mean, I feel fine. Dallas is amazing, but I can't help feeling like this isn't right.
"Are you okay Ally? You look…strange." He asks, sounding worried. I smile.
"No, I'm fine. Just thinking." I sigh.
"Don't think. Just enjoy yourself. You only get one prom." He smiled. I nodded.
"I know." And we spend the rest of the journey in silence.
When we get there I link arms with Dallas and smile widely, trying to act like I'm ecstatic to be there, when in reality I wouldn't mind being at home, curled up with a bag of chips, watching Tom and Jerry all night.
Dallas and I dance all night, never once leaving each other's sights. After a while I start to feel bored, wishing I could spend some time with my friends, but they are all dancing with their dates and I didn't want to hurt Dallas. So I keep dancing, and although I feel fine, that's all I feel. And I wish I could feel more, but all I feel is fine. All I ever feel is 'fine'.
But I miss screaming and fighting and kissing in the rain and it's two am and I'm cursing your name. So in love that you act insane and that's the way I loved you. Breaking down and coming undone it's a rollercoaster kinda rush and I never knew I could feel that much.
It was on our six month anniversary that I realised what I was missing. Dallas and I had our first fight. I had been cancelling our plans a lot recently, and he was sick of it. We had been planning a picnic for our anniversary. We were gonna pack some food and a blanket and go down to the beach. An hour before he was due to pick me up, I called Dallas.
"Hey Ally." He said happily.
"Hey, Dallas, about our picnic…"
"Don't you dare cancel on me, Ally." He said angrily.
"What?"
"You're always cancelling on me, messing up our plans. I'm sick of it!" he said. And, for some reason, I wished he was shouting. I wished he was yelling, screaming, showing some sort of emotion other than disappointment. And I failed to feel any strong emotion whatsoever. But I played along, because when couples fight, they are supposed to actually fight, and to care.
"I'm sorry, but it's not like I don't have a reason!" I shouted.
"Yeah, well, I'm beginning to feel like you're leading me on, Ally. Do you even want to date me anymore?"
"Yes, of course I do!" I shouted, and that's when it hit me. Actually, I didn't. Not really. I realised what had been missing all this time, what Dallas could never measure up to.
I missed Austin. Austin, the guy I had dated for almost a year. The guy I had fallen completely, head-over-heels in love with. We fought all the time, over stupid things. But we always made up. And making up was the best part. I missed screaming and fighting, getting angry with him for the stupidest of reasons. I missed kissing in the rain, when I would storm out and he would follow me, no matter what, and we would make up, right there in the middle of the street, and share a searing kiss that stole my breath and made my knees weak.
I missed waking up in the middle of the night to stones being thrown at my window. I missed knowing, straight away, before I had even gotten out of bed, that it was him. I missed whispering, 'fuck, Austin', as I climbed out of bed and went over to my window. I missed the panic that my parents would wake up, every time it happened, although they never did.
I missed the times that we would fight over important things, and I would swear to never forgive him, ever. I would promise myself, and everyone else, that it was over for good. And all he had to do was kiss me and I would break down, come undone, and forgive him. And it was such a rush. Every time, he would break down whatever walls I had managed to build against him, and every time it would feel so amazing.
I never knew I could feel the way he made me feel. Every time he kissed me, I felt like jumping for joy, and at the same time like breaking down and crying. Every time we fought I would feel the crashing despair wash over me, and every time we made up I would feel the unbelievable relief.
And that's the way I loved you.
And that's the way I loved him. Purely, completely, irrevocably.
But that was over now. And there was nothing I could do about it. So I pushed it to the back of my mind, and the next day I apologised to Dallas. And we kissed, and made up.
He respects my space and never makes me wait and he calls exactly when he says he will.
When we made up, Dallas promised me that he wouldn't get angry about it again, and I promised him that I would try to be more reliable. He said he was sorry, and that he understands that I need my space, but he loves me so much that it's hard. I told him I loved him too, and that I wasn't avoiding him, I was just stressed and needed some alone time. He told me he respected that, and that was it. Fight over.
One of the things that infuriated me about Dallas was that he was always on time. So whenever I was running late, no matter how much he said he didn't mind, that it was fine, I felt stupid and inferior. Not once, during the whole time that we were dating was he ever even a minute late.
And he always called me exactly when he said he would. Like, if we said goodbye and he said 'I'll call you in the morning', he would call in the morning. Whereas if I said I'd call him in a couple of hours, I would forget and he'd call me. Then I'd feel guilty, because he never forgets.
He's close to my mother and talks business with my father, he's charming and endearing and I'm comfortable.
Due to the amount of times I run late when I'm getting ready, Dallas gets to spend a lot of time with my parents. My mother loves him. He's always willing to help her out if she's doing housework, and they have become pretty close. He's always complimenting her. My dad often jokes that he's trying to make a move on his lady, but we all know he isn't. He's just genuinely a nice guy.
Dallas also knows a lot about music. Which is why my dad likes him so much. Dad owns Sonic Boom, a small music store in Miami Mall. He's always been very tight with money, and never understood why we made such a small profit with the store. Dallas was the one who convinced him to ease up a little, spend a bit more on making the store a better place, and now he's raking it in.
This particular time, I go downstairs to find my father and Dallas discussing Dallas's latest idea; a recording studio. He wants my dad to set up a small studio, so people can pay him to help them record a demo and then they can buy however many copies they want. Dad's very enthusiastic about the idea, talking animatedly about how he could even use his contacts in the music business to help people send their demo's off, and they could make mix tapes and sell them for holidays and the like.
When I walk in, they are so absorbed in their conversation that Dallas doesn't even notice me. My mother shoots me an apologetic glance, and I almost hope he continues to ignore me. Then I would have a reason to be angry, to cancel our date today. But as soon as he sees me he says goodbye to my dad, kisses my mother on the cheek, and takes my hand.
"Hey Als. You look stunning, as always. Just like your mom." He says.
"Aw, Dallas, always so charming." My mother says, touched. I try to smile, and I kiss him quickly in greeting, but I can't help feeling a little sick.
"You coming then, Ally?" he asked. I nodded and followed him out.
"Have fun!" my mother calls after us.
As always, he opens my door to let me in. I remember the time when I found this so amazing, and I loved him for it. Now I was used to it. It was just normal. He's so predictable. When we get to the restaurant I'm not surprised at all. It's the same place we go to every Friday. And I'm not worried when I see that it's packed, because I know he will have made a reservation.
I suppose I should be happy. I know that things are secure. I know that he loves me, and he's reliable. I'm comfortable. But I miss the excitement. I miss adventure. I'm sick of being comfortable.
But I miss screaming and fighting and kissing in the rain and it's two am and I'm cursing your in love that you act insane and that's the way I loved you. Breaking down and coming undone it's a rollercoaster kinda rush and I never knew I could feel that much.
And then, one day, I just can't take it anymore. I'm lying in bed, trying to think about my boyfriend, but instead I'm thinking about Austin. I'm thinking about everything we went through, everything we did together. And then I compare him to Dallas. I'd been with Dallas three years, and I could count the amount of places we had been, things we had done, on my fingers.
Yet with Austin…I'd dated Austin for just under a year, and we had done so much. We hadn't done anything twice. It was so much more fun. And I missed it. And I was sick of missing it. So I called him.
It went to answerphone.
I never leave messages. I think it's stupid. Hey, it's Ally, please call me back. I mean, seriously, it's kind of obvious that I want them to call me back. Austin always agreed with me on that. But Dallas always left messages. Long messages that always ended in 'I love you, baby. Call me back.'
So, as usual, I hung up. And for the next week or so, I waited for him to call me back. But he never did. And eventually, I forgot about it. I realised that he wasn't going to call me back.
On our four year anniversary, Dallas proposed. I said yes, because I was supposed to love him. This was supposed to be my dream. And then dad was finished with the recording studio. And he wanted me to be the first to use it. I wrote a song, and I recorded it. He told me he wasn't going to send it to anyone, but of course he did.
And then I was in the limo, on the way to my big white wedding. The wedding I had dreamt of all my life. And I was fighting back tears, because I didn't want this. This wasn't a dream come true; this was a nightmare. But I went along with it, because I was supposed to love Dallas. It had been four and a half years.
I wasn't paying attention to the radio. Until Trish, my maid of honour and the only person who had any idea of how unhappy I was, shook my arm. She was grinning madly.
"Listen, Ally. Turn up the radio!" she called to the driver. And he obliged.
"And now we have a treat for you guys. An old friend of mine sent me this, and I just had to play it for you. This is 'The Way I Loved You', but Allyson Dawson.' The announcer said. I froze, unable to believe what I was hearing.
He is sensible and so incredible and all my single friends are jealous.
He says everything I need to hear and it's like I couldn't ask for anything better.
He opens up my door and get into his car and he says 'you look beautiful tonight'.
And I feel perfectly fine.
But I miss screaming and fighting and kissing in the rain and it's two am and I'm cursing your name.
So in love that you act insane and that's the way I loved you.
Breaking down and coming undone it's a rollercoaster kinda rush and I never knew I could feel this much and that's the way I loved you.
He respects my space and never makes me wait and he calls exactly when he says he will.
He's close to my mother and talks business with my father. He's charming and endearing and I'm comfortable.
But I miss screaming and fighting and kissing in the rain and it's two am and I'm cursing your name.
So in love that you act insane and that's the way I loved you.
Breaking down and coming undone it's a rollercoaster kinda rush and I never knew I could feel that much and that's the way I loved you.
He can't see the smile I'm faking
And my heart's not breaking
'Cause I'm not feeling anything at all
And you were wild and crazy
Just so frustrating
Intoxicating, complicated
Got away by some mistake
And now
But I miss screaming and fighting and kissing in the rain and it's two am and I'm cursing your name.
I'm so in love that I acted insane and that's the way I loved you.
Breaking down and coming undone it's a rollercoaster kinda rush and I never knew I could feel this much and that's the way I loved you.
Whoa whoa and that's the way I loved you
Oh oh oh oh oh oh oh whoa
Never knew I could feel that much and that's the way I loved you…
"Was that you, Ally?" asked Carly
"Yeah. That was me." I choked out, trying so hard to fight the tears.
"Wow. You're amazing. You sound like you really meant it." Said Laurie. I was so desperate to tell her that I did mean it, that I meant every word. But I couldn't, because I was on the way to my wedding.
And suddenly, we were there, and I was about to walk in, to walk down the aisle. Trish was behind me, and Carl and Laurie behind her. I took a deep breath, and the doors opened. I could have sworn I heard someone call my name. But I ignored it. It took all my concentration to keep the tears at bay. And I walked down the aisle, smiling as I went. I couldn't look anyone in the eyes, because if I did they would know this was a lie. Dallas was smiling. That almost broke me. He looked so happy…But I didn't. I fought it. And it all passed in a blur, and it was my turn to say I do. But I couldn't speak.
"Ally? Ally? It's your turn. Say 'I do'." Dallas whispered. He was smiling, like it was funny, but I could see the confusion in his eyes. And I couldn't do it. I couldn't lie to him anymore.
"I-I-I can't." I said. Then I said it again, so everyone could hear.
"I can't do this. I love you, Dallas. But not enough. I can't marry you." I said, then I kissed him on the cheek in apology and ran back down the aisle and out of the church. Straight into someone. A certain blonde-haired, brown-eyed someone.
"Ally? Am I too late?" he whispered, sounding devastated. But ii couldn't speak. I was sure this was a dream. I hadn't seen him for almost five years. I reached up to lay my hand on his face, to make sure he was real. He had changed. He looked older, more mature. But it had been five years, so I had probably changed too. But he still had that childish glint in his eye.
"Ally? Are you…are you married?" he asked, and he was crying. I hadn't realised, but so was I. All I could do was shake my head. And then he was smiling.
"Why not?" he whispered. Our faces were so close. It wasn't even a conscious effort; we were just drawn to each other, almost magnetically.
"Because I got to the end of the aisle. And you weren't waiting for me." I whispered. And he kissed me, hard and soft, gentle and passionate all at the same time. I could taste tears, his and my own. And I couldn't help but wonder how I had survived the last five years without him. He was my lifeline, and it had taken me all this time to realise.
Finally I pulled away.
"Why are you here?" I asked him.
"I heard your song on the radio. I knew it was about me. I was on my way here anyway, to stay with Dez. I broke the speed limit to get here. And when Dez said you were getting married I ran here. I ran so fast, Ally, and I saw you, just about to go in. I shouted your name, but you didn't hear. And I thought; this is it. It's over. I've lost her."
"But I did hear you. I thought I was imagining it." I whispered.
"And then you walked out of there, and I was hoping, really hoping, that it was because you couldn't do it, you couldn't marry him. And I was right." He finished.
"Yes. You were right. I was never going to marry him. I was never going to marry anyone. If I can't have you, I don't want anyone." I told him. He grinned.
"That's good. But, you'll be pleased to know, you can have me. You always had me."
"And you always had me."
And I realised that my song wasn't quite accurate. That wasn't the way I loved him. That's the way I love him. Present tense.