Hey! Its Lee-All-The-Way AGAIN with a really random oneshot! It's a Pirates of the Caribbean oneshot. My fist of that type.
Well, here it is. Oh and:
I OWN NOTHING BUT MY TRUSTED PINK FUZZY PLOT BUNNIES! NOTHING! MWAHAHAHAHAHA!
(Interpretation: She owns nothing in this story, except for herself)
Also, I'd like to dedicate this story to the one who helps house my plot bunnies, Manju. She came up with the idea for this one, and I filled it all in with my GODLY AUTHORING SKILLZ! YAH BITCH!
Ahem….
Okay, so here it is!
Oh, and to get into the mood for this story, listen to Albuquerque by Weird Al Yankovic. That's what I was listening to over and over while writing this after drinking about ten cups of pure black coffee! Mmmmm...
Of Jack and a Scary Dream
Erin stared out at the swirling ocean waters surrounding the boat that Manju and herself just happened to be standing on. Yes, a boat. No, she wasn't trying to make it fly like in Peter Pan, and no, she wasn't going to try. She had already done that, and succeeded for the elapsed time of about 3 milliseconds.
Nope, this time she had no idea what the hell she was doing on the ship in the middle of swirling ocean waters. No idea what so ever.
She looked over at Manju and was about to open her mouth to ask her a question when Manju blurted out "Why the hell are we on a ship in the middle of swirling ocean waters?"
Erin stared at her blankly. "I have no idea what we are doing on a ship in the middle of swirling ocean waters."
"Are you sure you don't know what we are doing on a ship in the middle of swirling ocean waters?"
"Absolutely positive that I don't know what we are doing on a ship in the midd--" All of the sudden Tinker Bell popped up and stuck a sock in her mouth and then disappeared before anyone could grab her to make her tell where Peter was hiding so we could rob him of his innocence. Yes, so we could steal all of his Yu-Gi-Oh trading cards. They make all little kids innocent, until they decide to pull out a trap card on you and have their Blue Eyes rape your Dark Magician. Sorry, off subject.
Erin immediately spits the socks overboard and wiped her mouth.
"Ew! Those were my older brother's socks from gym class that have been sitting in the corner of his room under the bed for the past five years growing mold."
Then she just walked away, not really seeming like she cared.
"Okayyyy..." said Manju, and followed her brain dead best friend.
All of the sudden Erin turned to Manju and started walking towards her with a crazy hint in her eye. Manju got the idea and they both burst into a VERY off pitch and outta tune version of All in This Together from High School Musical.
Then, a loud bang was heard and both girls whipped their heads around to face whoever had just come from below decks of the ship in the middle of swirling ocean waters.
He ran out, sword drawn, and pointed it at us as he screamed "IT'S THE BANSEES! THEY EXIST!! I KNEW IT! AND YOU ALL THOUGHT I LOST IT!!!!!! HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!!!!!"
He broke out into 57 rounds of mechanical laughter. In that time, Erin and Manju ate a picnic, played pool on the pool table that just happened to wash onto the ship in a big wave, watch Hairspray on a magical TV, and eat about five pounds of gummy bears.
Finally, Jack Sparrow stopped laughing, and looked at them.
They were all like "Huh? I'm so lost..."
Then Erin pointed at Manju and screamed. Manju did a double take. "Is there a snake on me? Or a bug? Or a giant lion that wont shut up? Cause if there is, I already told that lion that I aint buying any damn girl scouts cookies!" she fumed.
"No, it's not the cookies!" she yelled. "YOU'RE IN YOUR FUCKING PJ'S!"
Manju looked down at herself and screamed. "NO NOT MY PJ'S! ANYTHING BUT THEM!" She looked over at Erin. "Ummm, why are we screaming again?"
"Because it's negative 63 degrees outside."
"Oh, well that's okay. Not like we're going to die or anything standing on a ship in our pj's in the middle of winter.
Erin looked over at Jack, who now was somehow wearing a parka.
"Howd'ja get that?" Erin asked Jack.
"I skinned a seal that had jumped onto the deck looking for Shamoo while you two were talking" he said as his left eye twitched. "While I was skinning that seal, I was doing terrible things to you in my head. Like skinning you to wear for a parka."
"Yeah, and I called Hitler and told him to go rape your momma. And he did."
Jack fell to his knees and wept for the monkeys that had accidentally fallen overboard.
Erin looked back at Manju. "How are we supposed to get off of this ship full of a crazy Jack Sparrow?"
Manju looked over at where Jack used to be standing. That's right, used to!
Now, I know you all probably want to know what each girl was thinking at the moment. So here is a short insight to the characters mostly empty heads.
ERIN: He probably went off to go have butt sex with Peter Pan. I hope they get married and have 17 kids and live on a farm in the middle of no where. And get a bunny and name him George. -Anime tears-
MANJU: Hey! Lookit the butterfly! I wanna play with it. -evil smirk- AND RIP ITS WINGS OUT! AND GIVE IT TO A BIRD TO EAT. AND PUNCH THE BIRD SO IT SQEAKES LIKE A SQUEEKY TOY UNTIL IT THROWS IT UP! AND PLAY HANGMAN WITH ITS BODY PARTS! AND FEED IT TO MY NEIGHBORS PET SQUIRREL! AND CUT OPEN THE SQUIRRELS GUT WITH A GIANT KNIFE! AND THEN FINALLY GIVE IT A BURRIAL AT SEA SO IT CAN DROWN AND GET EATEN BY FISHIES! MWAHAHAHAHAHAHA!
Ahem. So hopefully you weren't too disturbed by that. If you were, we are all terribly sorry for your loss of brain cells, but there is nothing I, nor anyone else, can do about that.
Erin pulled on Manju's arm to break her out of her trance about the death of a random butterfly she saw. "Come on. Let's go below decks to frolic in felids of man eating daisies. Okay, so I lied. Let's go down to get warm while frolicking in fields of man eating daisies."
"Okay!"
They both headed below decks and were very disappointed to find that there were no daisies below decks that could eat a man. Only ones that could eat other daisies. They were biting each others faces.
They walked forward about six paces and Jack popped outta nowhere and just started stating passages from Shakespeare.
"But, soft! What light through yonder window breaks?" he said as he placed a hand over his heart and one hand toward the unseen sky.
Erin jumped in with him and finished the end of the quote. "It is the east, and Juliet is the sun."
Erin and Jack hugged each other and cried anime tears.
Manju just stared at the plants that were biting each others faces.
Erin hopped back from Jack as he pulled out a bottle of something, threw it on the ground, and went 'Poof' in a ball of smoke.
Erin and Manju just shrugged it off. They knew that Jack was nuts.
They walked farther into the belly of the ship, and once again ran into Jack.
He sang "It's the Circle of Life, and it moves us all!" and then disappeared from sight.
Erin had an involuntary shiver run down her spine. Something defiantly wasn't right with that panda bear sitting in the corner munching on the daisies. They were screaming "BLOODY MURDER!"
Manju grabbed Erin's arm and started running with her as she stared at the panda with green and white daisy blood all over its mouth.
All of the sudden, Jack popped out of the toilet that was sitting against a far wall and started talking.
"Hello, you've reached the police department's voice mail. Pay close attention as we update choices as often as new and unusual circumstances arrive. Please select one of the following options. To whine about us not doing anything to solve a problem that you created, press one. To inquire as to weather someone has to die before we'll do something about a problem, press two. To report an officer for bad manners when in reality the officer is trying to keep your neighborhood safe, press three. If you'd like us to raise you children, press four. If you'd like us to take control of your life due to your chemical dependency, press five. If you'd like us to instantly restore order to a situation that took years to deteriorate, press six. To provide a list of officers you personally know so we will not take enforcement action against you, press seven. To sue us or tell us to pay our salary and you'll have our badge or to proclaim our career is over, press eight. To whine about a ticket and/or complain about the many other uses for police rather that keeping your dumb ass in line, press nine. Please note, your call may be monitored to assure proper customer support, and remember, we're here to save your butts, not kiss them. Thanks for calling your local police department and have a nice day."
He then flushed himself down the toilet.
"Wicked…." Erin said as she watched the water come back up.
"What?" asked Manju.
"A toilet…..on a wooden boat…." Erin said.
All of the sudden, Jack popped out of the cabinet with a long rope in his hands tied into a lasso.
He then started singing the opening part for the Phantom of the Opera. "Duuuun! Dun, dun, dun, dun, duuuuuuun. Dun, dun, dun, dun, duuuuuun!"
Erin and Manju screamed and ran away from him, past the panda that was still eating, past the creepy daisies, and up to the deck.
They looked around for a place to go as they heard Jack singing the Phantom of the Opera and walking up the stairs.
"There!" Erin screamed as she pointed to the gang plank.
They both scrambled for it and dived into the freezing waters.
All the while, Jack stood on the decks laughing like an evil genius.
They both woke with a start and looked at each other.
"We are never EVER going to listen to the Lion King soundtrack while watching Phantom of the Opera and talking all about that movie you saw called the Reduced Shakespeare Company."
"Deal" said Erin. "It was really weird."
"Yeah, but what's even weirder is that we had the same exact dream" said Manju. She thought for a moment and then added "Well, great minds think alike."
She fell back on her pillow, and was about to fall asleep when Erin asked her "Hey Manju, any idea why my hair is all wet?"
Mwahahaha! So, how did you guys like that one? My brother read it and couldn't stop laughing. Well, review! And thank you guys so much! You all rock!
Oh, and let me know if you want to co-author any stories with me, because I'd be glad to help.
If you need me for a Beta, I'll help. If you need me for an Artist I'll help, but only if I know what your story is about.
Anything you guys need, just let me know and I'll see what I can do.
Well, thanks again!
Now push that sexy bluish purplish button at the bottom of the page! PUSH IT! RAWR!
- Lee-All-The-Way -