Hello all! DolphinWhisperer here with a new story! *gasp* This is what has been taking my creativity away from Bleached Ice, but I hope you will like it anyway. (Those who come here and would like Bleached Ice to come out sooner, please send me ideas! I need your help!) But yes, I have a feeling this will be a great story. It's mostly Kira-centric so if you're a Kira hater, then maybe this isn't the right story for you… or maybe it is. He does get beat up a lot… Anyway, enjoy!

This is a quick shout out to my beta Barbellenel. Thanks for being there and helping me out through all of this! And thank you in advance to those who read and review!

Reviews are welcome, but if you criticize, please be nice. I don't take well to flames, pretty though they are.

Warnings: Takes place before Bleach storyline (before Ichigo even meets Rukia). Possible OOC-ness, but it will try to be minimized. Includes references to stories by Barbellenel – while it's not necessary to read them, it helps to get the small jokes. :)

Disclaimer: I do not own Bleach or its characters, but oh man, is it fun to play with them. Thank you for creating them, Tite Kubo!

Kira Gets Creamed

Laziness had roamed freely in the Seireitei summer days. With the rise in temperature, the motivation of the squads had diminished immensely. When all of the shinigami spent one very hot day in the cool shade of their respective barracks, sipping iced teas and napping, Captain General Yamamoto knew something had to be done. The next day, as per his orders, all of the Thirteen Court Guard Squads were to spend the day out in the field training with their vice-captains. The captains were to stay in the offices and do the paperwork, also per Yama-jii's orders. When news of this reached the third squad, they quickly made their way to their favorite training spot, a clearing amongst the trees near the Rukongai, and began their training exercises. Sadly, the loudest noise coming from said clearing was not the sound of battle, but of cursing.

"Ouch! Stupid tree root!" Another trip, another fall, and another shout from Izuru Kira, vice-captain of the third. The blond, in the midst of training his men, was having a day of clumsiness. Every way he turned, he ran into something or tripped over something else. This time, it was an exposed tree root that felled him, earning him a bruise on his forehead and a dirt-covered uniform.

"Lieutenant Kira, sir, are you alright?" one of his subordinates asked, offering a hand.

Kira sighed, taking the man's hand and hoisting himself up. "Yeah, I'll be alright. Thank you." He dusted himself off. "Just another two casualties to add to the list. My poor uniform. I just washed it too…"

The subordinate cocked his head. "If I may, sir, what do you mean by 'casualties'?"

Kira counted on his fingers. "Let's see, I managed to jam my finger on Wabisuke's hilt right off the bat, then I dodged a squad member's attack only to run face first into a tree trunk. I jumped back to dodge another attack and cracked my back on one of the limbs, and when I landed, I twisted my ankle partially. Now I have a bruise on my forehead from that root, and I need to clean my uniform." He gave the shinigami a grave look. "Does that answer your question?"

The squad member cringed. "Yes, sir. Sorry I asked."

With a small bow, he rushed off to train some more, leaving Kira to wonder what his problem was.

***** ブリ一チ *****

"Bring on the sake!"

After their long day of training, Renji Abarai, Ikkaku Madarame, Yumichika Ayasegawa, and Shuuhei Hisagi had decided a night of relaxation was in order, so they had flocked to Hisagi's office. Shuuhei had prepped a pot of coffee while Yumichika had made his tea. Both men currently sat in their respective corners, sipping their preferred beverages. Ikkaku had brought the bottle of sake and set it in the middle of the room. From the look of anticipation on the redhead's face, the bald man was starting to wish he had brought another bottle.

"Renji, stop grabbing for it!" yelled Ikkaku. "Just wait and I'll get it ready for you! Damn, you have no patience!"

"Well, Ikkaku, if you wouldn't take so long preparing it…" Shuuhei smirked.

"Sounds like a personal problem," Yumichika mused, taking a sip of his tea.

"Shut it, you two," Renji huffed. He grabbed at the sake again. "C'mon, Ping Pong Ball, you're taking too long! I want to drink until my tattoos fall off!"

Slapping Renji away, Ikkaku poured a cup and handed it over. "Here you go, Drinky Pete." He poured another. "'Sagi? Yumi? Want a cup while I'm at it?"

"Naw, I'm fine with my coffee," Shuuhei said, taking a swig.

Yumichika stuck his nose in the air. "I'd rather not mix my delectable tea flavors with those of sake. Oh, what a combination!" He shuddered at the thought.

Ikkaku shrugged. "Suit yourselves." He poured himself a cup, not really caring about the formalities.

Renji downed the entire cup in one gulp. "Ahh, that's the stuff." He followed Ikkaku's example of informality and poured himself another helping, downing it just as fast as the first.

Hisagi looked up from his coffee. "Long day of training, Renji? I know you like to drink, but damn. You have to let the alcohol sink in first before you do anything stupid."

"Stupid is normal for him," Ikkaku chimed in, grinning.

"Aw, shaddap," Renji growled, finishing his third helping. "My captain's out to get me. I have an excuse."

"Out to get you?" Hisagi asked.

Renji gulped down another cup. "Yeah. I guess he found out about the whole 'trying to surpass him' thing, so now he's trying to make my life a living hell. He told me before training today that if the squad hadn't visibly improved, he was going to skin me, use my hide as a rug and stick my disembodied head in a fruit basket."

"I didn't realize Captain Kuchiki had such a violent side," Yumichika interjected.

"Oh, he does, and it's gonna come out soon," Renji sighed, draining his fifth sake cup. "Doesn't help that during training, we met up with the Thirteenth. Rukia and I talked for a bit-"

"Yeah, one of your squad members said it was the best hour break he'd ever had," Ikkaku smirked.

"-so we didn't get everything accomplished that I'd wanted to. Now Kuchiki's gonna have my head for breakfast."

"Eww…" Yumi jammed his eyes shut. "Nothing like a little cannibalism in the evening." He rubbed a temple with his free hand to try and erase the image.

Ikkaku glanced over at Hisagi. "Well, looks like your squad's training went well. Otherwise, you'd be drinking with us."

Hisagi nodded. "It went pretty smoothly. No complaints." He looked around the room as he took another sip. "Where's Kira? Surely he's done with training by now."

Renji, starting to feel the alcohol's effects, raised his refilled cup in the air. "'S prolly jus' stuck in a tree some'ere."

An awkward shuffling could be heard through the door. The noise grew louder, and so did the mumbling that came with it.

"Ugh, I'm glad that's over. Ow! What the-? Ahh! Not again! … Ouch."

Hisagi, Yumichika and Ikkaku exchanged confused looks as the door flew open.

A bruised and battered Kira limped his way into the office, shutting the door behind him. He wordlessly joined Renji and Ikkaku in the middle of the room and poured himself a cup of sake, too irritated to care about the formalities. He finished it rather quickly, but not as fast as the soused redhead had.

Hisagi looked at the blonde carefully. "Kira? What-?"

"Wow, Kira, you look like hell!" Ikkaku blurted out. "Did your entire squad tackle you or something?"

Kira glared at the bald man, then sighed. "They might as well have." He poured himself another cup, then began sipping it. "It seems like the entire world is out to get me right now."

Renji scooted over to Kira, grabbed the bottle from him and chugged the rest of it. Ikkaku cursed. "I knew I should've brought another bottle." The redhead flung an arm around Kira. "Join da club. M' cap'n wants me t' be a fruit carpet but I tol' 'im I was allergick t' beheadin'."

Kira raised an eyebrow. "Yeah, okay… You're not drunk at all. No…" He pushed Renji off of him, turning to the others. "What's he rambling about?"

"He thinks his captain is going to skin him alive and put his head in a fruit basket if his squad doesn't appear stronger to Captain Kuchiki tomorrow," Hisagi stated between sips.

Kira rolled his eyes. "Right… Does he realize he's delusional?"

"Probably not."

Kira nodded. "Okay, thought so. Just checking."

"So, Izuru," Yumichika started, "what happened out there? Did you encounter our captain or something?"

"No, worse. The scenery tried to eat me."

Ikkaku gaped at him. "How is that worse?"

Kira gave him a level stare. "Your captain would've killed me. The scenery left me alive to feel all my wounds."

"Wait, the scenery tried to eat you?" Hisagi asked, cocking an eyebrow.

The blond opened his arms wide. "All of these injuries are from today's training. I ran into so many trees and fell on my face way too many times to be a coincidence."

"Well, that's weird," Yumichika pondered, savoring his tea. "You're actually pretty graceful most of the time. Not as graceful as me, but still… I wonder why today was different?"

"I think our ballerina needs a new pair of tights!" Ikkaku snickered, slapping his thigh.

"And I think Ikkaku needs a new sense of humor… or a replacement brain. Oh wait, there wasn't one in there to begin with," Hisagi chimed in.

Ikkaku's expression went blank. "Tutu-ché."

"Really though, guys," Kira interrupted, blowing a puff of air out of the side of his mouth. "Like Yumi said, I'm not usually this uncoordinated. I think something's wrong with me."

Yumichika thought for a minute. "Maybe you're in need of some spirit particles. I know firsthand how bad reishi deficiencies can be. A slight deficit of particles and my hours spent on achieving a perfect complexion fly out the window."

"Reishi, huh? That's a thought…" Kira tried absorbing some particles, but gave up after a couple tries. "Nice try, Yumi, but it seems I'm at maximum reishi capacity."

"That's too bad," the fifth seat said, examining Kira's face. "Your pores need a good spirit scrub."

He sighed, swatting Yumi away. "Any other ideas?"

"You sure you got your shoes on the right feet, Blondie?" Ikkaku smirked, gulping down some of his sake.

Kira glared at him, puffing again. "I think I would notice that. You, on the other hand…"

"Hey, it was one time! Lay off!"

"Hmm," Yumichika deliberated. "Maybe you're distracted by something? A girlfriend, perhaps?"

The blonde turned bright red. "No! What are you talking about? I don't have a girlfriend or want one right now. My squad needs me."

"So does Momo," Yumichika winked.

Hisagi nodded in agreement, taking another swig of coffee. "Better you than Renji. Do you really want her to date that?" He pointed to the drunk redhead, who was using a brush to draw a mustache on himself and giggling madly.

Blushing profoundly, Kira shook his head with a puff. "We're just friends. Besides, I want to focus on my squad right now. If we keep up training, the third will be one of the best squads in the Seireitei."

"Whatever you say, Goldilocks," Yumichika mumbled into his cup.

"Performance anxiety, maybe?" Hisagi queried.

Ikkaku sneered. "That bad in bed, 'Zuru? I thought you didn't have it in you. Looks like I was right!"

Hisagi glowered at the bald man. "I mean, when it comes time to fight, moron."

Kira, blush renewed, shook his head again. "If you're talking about nerves, I have no problems there."

"Well then, maybe gravity just hates you," Hisagi contemplated.

"What are you talking about? There's no such thing as gravity!" Ikkaku interjected. Yumichika sighed, putting a hand to his temple.

Hisagi stuck his finger in the air. "What about poor eyesight?"

Ikkaku held up his open hand in front of the blonde. "How many fingers am I holding up?"

"Five."

"What? No, this is four… Oh wait…"

Kira rolled his eyes, puffing again. "My eyesight is fine. There must be something we're missing."

"Oy 'Zuru," Renji drawled, "why ya keep blowin' yer face like 'at? Ya'd think yer hair turned 'skeeto an' 's buzzin' 'roun' ya or sometin'."

Hisagi cocked his head. "What's that supposed to mean?"

Yumichika waved him off. "Oh, don't mind him. He's completely drunk, and we all know that drunk people can't think."

"'As no' true," Renji gurgled, slowly leaning to one side. "I 's thinkin' perfeckly. I 's no' drunk."

Ikkaku pushed Renji's head to the floor, his body following. "Yes, you are. Shut up."

"'Kay."

"Besides," Yumi continued, "his statement makes no sense. 'Hair turned mosquito'? Impossible. Hair can't fly."

"Or buzz," Hisagi added. "Unless there's a new form of super hair out there that can. With the twelfth division, you never know."

"And mosquitoes sure are annoying," Ikkaku declared. "There are times I wish I had hair simply to keep those pests away. After summer, my head looks like a light bulb with chicken pox."

Kira, intent on discovering the meaning of Renji's words, incorporated this new information. Hair turned mosquito… annoying pests… Frustrated, he exhaled another puff of air. Annoying… His eyes widened. "That's it! My hair! It's been getting in my way and causing me trouble. That's why I've been trying to blow it out of my face. Renji, you're a genius."

Renji grabbed Kira's sake cup, finished it, to the horror of the blonde, then stuck his finger up his nose. "I keep diggin' fer rainbows bu' all I's gettin' 's taters."

Kira blinked. "I retract my previous statement."

Hisagi nodded in agreement. "Good. If you didn't, I would've done it for you."

"He does have a point though," Kira conceded. "My hair's gotten awfully unruly lately. The ends won't behave, so parts of it will stick out at weird angles. I've had to use more hair gel to get it to lay flat. So, what do I do? I can't let this hair-induced clumsiness to continue."

Yumichika clapped his hands together. "Simple! We get you a new hairstyle. We'll fix you up with something that is stylish, but easy to fight in." He put a finger to his lips. "But first, we'll have to erase your current style."

"Leave it to me!" Ikkaku stood up and cracked his knuckles. He pulled a startled Kira up off the floor. "Alright, Blondie, let's do this."

Grabbing Kira's giant unibang with one hand, he tried to pull it up out of position, to no avail. "What the-" He placed both hands on it and pulled again, but once again it didn't budge. Growling, Ikkaku braced one foot and put the other on Kira's midsection. The bald man pulled with all of his might, but still the blonde's hair wouldn't move.

"Ow, Ikkaku! You're hurting me!"

Ikkaku's face turned red from the exertion. "I've… al…most… got… it…"

"Ikkaku, stop! My ribs are cracking!"

"So… close…"

With Ikkaku still persisting and Kira about to break in half, Hisagi sprang off the floor and to his desk. He rolled up a thick wad of paperwork and gave Ikkaku a hard smack in the back of the head. "Down boy!" Released from the bald man's grip, Kira sank to the floor.

Ikkaku slunk away, whimpering. "Ass. You gave me a paper cut."

"Okay, like most of Ikkaku's plans, that didn't work. But, at least it showed me how stiff your hair is…" Yumichika got up and poured himself another cup of tea. He walked over to where Kira sat, kneeled down and took a can of creamer out of his sleeve. Ever so slightly, he moved the can up so that Kira's hair punctured the can. He removed it to examine the small hole, put it back and pushed up a little more to widen the hole, then walked back to his seat, satisfied.

As he poured the creamer into his cup, the other shinigami gave him bewildered looks. "What? I needed to open it for my tea."

"Why do you have creamer in your sleeve?" Hisagi asked.

"Well, I'm not going to put it in my pants, silly." Yumichika took a sip of his tea. "Alright, hair plan B. Izuru, go hop in the shower."

Kira picked himself up slowly. "I think I'd rather have someone look at my injuries first. It was a rough day out there, and Ikkaku's foot didn't help matters." He winced.

Ikkaku waved him off. "Eh, rub some dirt on it. You'll be fine. Now let's go."

Before Kira could react, Ikkaku grabbed the back of the blonde's collar and slung him over his shoulder like a backpack. Had he tried to stretch his feet, Kira could've touched the floor, but he was too busy flailing in a pitiful escape attempt to notice.

"Ikkaku Madarame, put me down this instant!"

The bald man looked over his shoulder. "Oh, full name. I'm shaking in my sandals." He turned to Yumichika. "Alright, to the third we go."

"Hang on," Hisagi requested. "Let me get Renji first."

The redhead had just finished yet another sake cup and had decided to play hide and seek with himself. He hid himself in the middle of the floor, hands covering his eyes and butt sticking straight up, giggling madly. "I so smar'. Nevva find m'self 'ere. Dat dus' bunny bedder no' tell."

Resisting the urge to kick his fellow vice captain, Hisagi grabbed the back of Renji's hakama and pulled him up to a semi-standing position.

Renji was horrified. "'Sagi, you cheader! I 's winnin'! Didn' e'en know you 's playin'…"

Hisagi nodded, playing along. "Yes, I'm playing, and I win. Time to go now."

"C'mon, 'Sagi," Renji whined, "'nother roun'…"

"No, no more sake or games for you." With that, Hisagi threw the redhead over his shoulder, making sure he had a secure hold on Renji's legs. "Renji, I swear if you puke on me, I'll kick your ass with your own foot."

"'Sokay, I go' esstras."

Rolling his eyes, Hisagi joined the others. Both eleventh squad members looked about ready to kill Kira, who was still flailing wildly. Ikkaku, in order to prevent any knee damage, had to keep doing a mini dance. Yumichika kept fixing his hair, which was under attack from the breeze that Kira was creating.

"Dude, stop targeting my legs!" Ikkaku yelled.

"Oh, this is awful," Yumichika simpered. "My beautiful raven locks! All my hard work wiped away by an ungrateful twig with a dye job!"

Kira stopped flailing to retort. "Hey! My hair is all natural, I'll have you know."

"Sure thing, Hair Gel Harbor."

"Shall we get the S.S. Shampoo under way?" Hisagi asked.

Yumichika snorted. "Good luck. The ship will get stuck in the bay, with all that gel in there."

Ikkaku pounded his chest with his free hand. "But don't forget, we're the lifeboats." Kira rolled his eyes.

"Riiight. Anyway, let's get going. To the third!" Hisagi announced.

With Renji and Kira in tow, the group closed down the office and flash stepped into the night. A single cry echoed in the darkness.

"Oh dear! I forgot my creamer!"

If you will notice, this chapter is longer than any Bleached Ice chapter so far, and I have a feeling that it will be a trend for this story. That means that it's taken me a lot longer to write each chapter, so I'm still in need of hairstyle ideas, and just ideas for the story overall. If you come up with anything, please let me know. I'd appreciate input from my readers. :)