Landon's letter

by epicnovelist

This letter was written to my son the night before he was buried. It was a tragic time. It was the worst of times. But through the challenges we must sometimes bear, there is victory even in those moments. This is in dedication to all who have lost a loved one; a father, a mother, a sibling, and especially one who has lost a child. I pray that it moves you to fondly remember them.

1. Chapter 1

Landon's Letter

1/19/2008

To my most beloved son – Landon,

If words could speak to my joy, then I could write a novel about you. Just thirteen hours; only thirteen hours is all I had with you. How anyone could measure a lifespan in that short amount of time is beyond any truth I have ever known. It seems so small compared to what other fathers and sons share. No words passed between us; not even a passing gaze. No sweet connecting smiles; no idle conversations; not even a moment when I felt your heartbeat next to mine.

But we have such a connection - you and I. In all this, I still saw the spirit of a little boy in you - my son. I imagine all the times we could have shared; we should have shared. The simplicity of life was born all in that escaping moment in time. I looked at the clock and wanted it to stop, to hold onto its precious seconds and give us more time. But as fate goes – so went time.

I'll never forget the first time I held you. To see your face, to know you were so real to me. I thought of every moment in your life which should have been. From beginning to end; to that very first moment you took your first breath, throughout your long life, to see the life God should have given you – but was never to be.

Every joy lost; every happy occasion forsaken; every embrace – all that Life would have given you – all lost like the wind no one ever sees.

Sometimes we don't get what we wish for. Sometimes Life isn't fair. Sometimes a sigh is nothing more than a passing thought for want. I wanted all these things for you Landon. To grow up, to discover everything good in this world; to become a man; to marry, have children, and to experience the very same joy – Yes, that complete joy of holding your child and knowing you were touched so deeply by the fruit of that love – to be a father; to have a son – to feel that special bond.

You were a brief eclipse in Life, but you can never imagine how much you touched your mother and I. We know what Love is – we experienced it. That almighty Love a parent only knows. Thank you son – beyond what words can say. Thank you for touching our lives in such a profound way. The gift you have given is beyond what we could have ever known.

You will never be displaced from our hearts; but always kept there, locked away in that special place called Home to us. Every thought we have going forward will be as a string of thoughts about you. When I climb every mountain and see the most beautiful sunsets – I will always have the serenity wish you were with us – enjoying it as much as your mother and I.

But I could wish all my life – and it never be; it simply will never be. We all succumb to reality and its harsh ways. If I could invent a better way for us – I would.

I have felt the highest of Joys and I have felt the true pit of sorrow – all in just thirteen hours.

It seems we never deserve what we should have. Most of the time we are mistaken and we actually receive precisely what we should own. Not this time – you were not spared. It torments me to have to write this letter because it means you and I will always be separated for as long as I live on this earth. The sunsets will not seem as brilliant; the ocean not as tranquil; the meadows not quite as sprayed with the scent of flowers.

You are gone now – I am left behind to endure. No parent should ever have to bury their child. This is the gravest of sins. The saddest of all is we can not measure what we can not share – and Landon, we would have shared so much, so very much.

All this is a dream; born from great possibilities and tragic loss. But son, truly, I would have no other son before you. A rose so brief, so beautiful, but gone so quickly.

I dreamed of you in your crib – but you were not there. Perhaps our lives together will live in those dreams – a place where we can talk and discover the joys of father and son. Just come when you are ready and tell me how Heaven is. Your mother will want to know as well.

I have met with sorrow before son – but none as great and as profound as this. Somehow I will move through the rest of my life like a shadow in the night – the vacancy of your light left it a little darker here.

I am proud of you Landon. For God to have taken you so quickly meant you were (and are) very very special. Angels are born in this way. Do as your Father in Heaven asks; create your wings one feather at a time. And when the moment is right – fly to me and lead me home….

The day will come when we shall meet again – on happier times and happier occasions. The only thing that separates us is the time between. The journey is still before you and me.

You are my son – you will always be my son. There is inherent joy in this. Love cast no greater light than the Love your mother and I share for you. Of equal bond and of equal destiny. I will thank God every day for bringing you to us – even if it was only for thirteen hours. I blinked and it was gone. Perhaps a moment will come that I will blink again and it comes back.

Landon – you will always carry one beat to my heart. Ginger will always carry the other. Be the very special child you will always be. Send us little signals you are watching – be our exclusive guardian angel. Blow a kiss to your mother and I whenever a sad thought comes across to us – it will ease the pain.

Know that Ginger and I will forever Love you. Not even fate can stop this. Be patient Son – we are coming and we will be a family again. But this time it will be longer than thirteen hours, and our exclusive Joy will be everlasting.

Climb to the highest mountains in Heaven. Find the most beautiful sunsets there. Reach to the tallest arch of the highest rainbow – and when you get there, think of me and your mother. The day will come when I will want you to take me there.

God's grace brought us together. The bond is everlasting. Death could never prevail in this realm – but we will. In the end our destiny's will take us to the same place.

You, your mother and I will forever share in that Love. I'll never say goodbye son – only 'until'. There is more Joy to meet with us.

I feel the tremendous loss now – but this can only be matched by the tremendous Joy to follow. Someday is coming. Someday son – you and I will see the light of our Love – beyond all the dark years which now lay ahead of us.

Landon Matthew Murphy – you are a treasure to bestow. Heaven grows brighter still by your presence. My mother will take you through your first step, your first birthday, your first word – through all the Joys which will follow.

Know that we are there with you in spirit and heart. That Love – in its almighty power, binds us all together – for all eternity.

Your most loving father

Christopher David Murphy

"From his mother's most loving womb, to Heaven's eternal bloom."

"Love is a most powerful thing – it builds what can not be destroyed."