Just some nonsense I pulled together one day for fun. It's several pieces of things that have made me smile, so I simply stuffed them altogether. Points if you recognize everything, but it doesn't matter. Some crossovers, none that make sense, I own nothing but my imagination.
Dan Brown is planning to write a novel about Mario and the Mushroom Kingdom, only he's putting bears in it. Really, stupid, ugly, bears. If, say, Dan Brown had allowed President Roseveldt to comment on the moon landing, placed Times Square in New Orleans and written about the nice view from the Statue of Liberty over the Golden Gate Bridge, wouldn't all these US readers have been just as happy to allow him the right to transform geography and history just as he pleased? He's putting trains in it too, just because he can, stating, "After doing many hours of highly intense train research, I have come to the conclusion that there are exactly 800,000,000 million, quadrillion, zillion, trains in London." Out of this vast number of trains, my studies have shown that approximately zero of them can read English-that doesn't stop Dan Brown, oh dear me no!. He just crams in stuff that has nothing to do with Mario, Peach, or anything. How then, one might ask, do bears learn to talk? Or to play complex string instruments with their gigantic, furry, clumsy digits? Why can these bears talk and sing while other animals remain hopelessly mute? How can a bear become a marriage counselor? Can bears even GET married? How does a bear get adopted by a human family? How is an adopted bear so stupid that he doesn't realize he's a bear? Also some names are at least ridiculous: Ventra is fine but what about Ventresca that in Italian is a particular and not very elegant kind of salami made of fish? It's like calling an American person Pepperoni! Or it's like when the character I.M. Dumm, who's purported to be an English professor burps out something like "Well, when Dickens wrote Romeo and Juliet, which, as you know, is the story of a jealous Moor and his wife..." One scene features Dax, the mean older brother, getting whacked on the head several times with a newspaper after cruelly telling brother Beary he really is a bear and not just a fuzzy kid. Then there's the big mean train that chases the little stupid bear around; Diesel 10 is so nasty that little children started screaming and crying to leave the theater when he made his first appearance. We're never told why he's evil and don't really care, he's just a character who wants to destroy steam engines for no real reason whatsoever. Diesel belongs to the villain of the piece, the evil banker who is planning to close Country Bear Hall because years ago they would not let him go on stage to play the "1812 Overture" on his armpit. Then there's the comic relief when Dolly or BJ or Suckie comes running up to Mom with some pithy remark that bears no relation whatsoever to what real children even come close to saying, while Brother Bear just sits there with this "What the heck did we just do?" look on his face. All the while Officer O'Flannegan keeps sticking his hand out for a free laugh and two Irish guys beat each other up over who has the better name. The Professor's bone-thrower goes awry, causing the family's big dog to gallop all over the neighborhood, dragging his doghouse after him as he chases the bone over fences, through swimming pools, all over the construction site, returning with the doghouse in splinters. Dax's friend Davey is supposed to fix said doghouse and doesn't do a very good job. He declares, "A little paint, and it'll be as good as new," while the dog announces, "I've got a splinter in my nose!" By now the Professor is revealed to be a phony, when the neighborhood children investigate his library and make the horrifying discovery that, "Hey, these books are all fake! They're just painted on the wall!" The Professor doesn't notice because he's too busy crying about how the coffee cart never has any food starting with the letter "O". It doesn't do any good because a furious Grandma grabs the cart just as Beary begins stuffing his face with all the junk on it. "Look at all this stuff!" she snarls, "Candy, COOKIES, DONUTS! These things started out as treats, now they're just nothing but between meal fill-me-ups!" "Hey, I'm a bear, it's what we do," mumbles Beary through a mouthful of crumbs just before he runs off into the Big Scary Forest to chase Mario. Meanwhile Sister Bear (who isn't even supposed to be in this book) runs up to Dan Brown crying how she ate too much cream cheese and had a dream where everyone turns into paper dolls and blows away, and she's whining to him to fix it because he's the author and all… I think the ending involves everyone getting run over by a truck.