* ~Notes~ *
I don't own any of the things I mention here. Period. Yes this has been done but I came online and saw it as soon as I had the idea. (Shrugs) Sure look at all the Mary Sues etc. Now on with the story. And no. I'm not leaving out words. It's called dialect aka words or phrases people use in a specific area. Reviews are much appreciated as I need a confidence boost. Im just a girl with dreams. If you're not familiar with British Dialect there is a dictionary at the end.
1.1 The Full Monty
2 Aragorn slammed the machine against the wall. "Dammit. Lost again.." he scowled. He pushed the machine back into its normal position then left, leaving the "Space Invaders" title screen rather deformed looking. The bar was packed to the brim with people coming home from work and the usual number of unemployed people in the corner. Smoke from cigarettes filled the air and the TV blasted out flashing pictures of footballers scoring goals.
Aragorn sat at the bar, ordered a pint of beer, then read the newspaper in front of him with the headline "Strippers Roll Into Town". While he skimmed though, quite intrigued by the word "strippers", a beefy hand landed on his shoulder.
"No point in lookin' mate. They're all poofters getting their balls out for our women."
Aragorn's black hair spun round as he turned to see who the voice belonged to and he frowned.
"Our women? My woman?" he growled.
"Too right. Your Arwen was in the make up section of the chemist today picking out new lipstick….Not that I was there, course…" he gulped. "The wife seen her."
Aragorn frowned. His Arwen was going to see some toy boy strutting his stuff for her. No doubt she would compare to him and begin to complain…Then leave him for someone else and he'd be jobless and wifeless. Wonderful. Wife Runs Off With Poofter To Jamaica.
"So Boromir what do you think of this balls up then?" He jumped back out of thought to reality.
"Not bloody much." Boromir answered.
"You letting your Angie go then?"
"Have no chance in hell of stopping her."
At that moment a tall blonde youth in a checked shirt and khaki coloured, so tight that they made Boromir hiss through his teeth "Christ almighty.." and nudge Aragorn , jeans walked up beside the two mates and ordered a bacardi and coke. He then sat down, crossed his legs and stared in front of him.
Aragorn stared at him, raised an eyebrow and while grinning asked, "So Legolas. You going to go see these manly beasts take their kit off? Better watch yourself."
He winked. "Don't want you being left broken hearted now."
"Let the wankers get their man tits out." Legolas tittered. "All it is, is a sock down their boxers and baby oil."
He turned to face Aragorn, page 3 spread out in front of him, pint in hand, and Boromir peeking over his shoulder with a cigarette in his mouth.
"Smoking's bad for you." Legolas sipped on his drink and muttered.
"Do I look like the kind of person that gives a shit?" Boromir answered.
"Its bad for your complexion," he countered back.
"What complexion?" Aragorn burst into hysteric laughing.
"Hey! At least I don't sit on my ass all day playing Space Invaders and sipping, wait, knocking back, pints."
"Your right," Aragorn mused. "You sit on your ass all day in the job club knocking back coffee, doodling on the page 3 girls, smoking fags and tapping on a computer which you don't know how to work."
It was now Legolas's turn to laugh manically so much that he spilt his drink round him. Leaving a damp patch around his groin area.
"Oh shit, bollocks, crap…"
"All the words not in the Bible," Aragorn joked.
At this point, everyone in the pub was looking at the spectacle of Legolas cursing non stop for 5 minutes while frantically rubbing at the damp patch trying to get rid of it with no such luck. He jumped about the room, hopping on one leg and still wiping and whinging as he went. Eventually he fell backwards through the swinging door of the men's restrooms. Everyone laughed and muttered. The bar returned to the way it was and Legolas's whines couldn't be heard further than the second table away from the toilets.
"After that episode," Boromir began. "Is he sure he's in the right bathroom?"
Aragorn just sniggered.
* * * * * * * * * * *
2.1.1 At The Job Club
It was a cold, wet, dull day outside the job centre which enclosed Aragorn and all the other jobless or lazy people. The wind started to rage and the rain beat down on the windows. A soaking wet Pippin burst in the door, great waterfalls of droplets running off his nose. Since they had not very far to travel to the ground, it made a huge, spreading puddle in no time.
"It's bleedin' pissing it down out there so it is!" He exclaimed as his coat was peeled off him.
"Nothing changes then," Aragorn mumbled.
"You could have drowned Pip! Are you ok?" a concerned Merry questioned while dragging the coat across to the electric heater in the far corner.
"I'll live! It's a good thing I'm not in Frodo's shoes though! He has to walk to his work n' its 5 miles out of town!"
"Cleaning up cow shit I heard," Boromir whispered as he sat down opposite Aragorn.
"Ewwww!!" squeaked a voice from behind. "Boromir! I didn't need to know that!"
Without turning around, sitting in his red plastic chair lighting up yet another cigarette, Boromir said, "So Leggy…Did you recover from your little accident last night? Or do we need to hire Frodo to clean up after you just like he does for his animal friends?"
"It isn't just cow shit." Aragorn started. "There's sheep shit, chicken shit…."
"Goat shit!" Merry continued.
"Dog shit! Cat shit! Goose shit! Horse shit!" Pippin grinned.
"Can we drop the shit talk please?!" Legolas cried out. Obviously having bad mental images.
"Ok," they all murmured in agreement.
"BULLSHIT!" Boromir cried out.
"I SAID TO STOP WITH THE SHIT TALK!!!!" Legolas screamed like a banshee on phonics. He quietly then added on, "Your making me feel nauseous."
"I just stabbed me finger…son of a…."Boromir continued to rant, oblivious to Legolas's sudden outburst.
"The page 3 girls are having their revenge for you doodling over them." Aragorn muttered. Pippin and Merry both smirked behind their hands.
Before Boromir could rid himself of his life threatening wound, the green entrance door was flung open and an extremely saturated and annoyed looking Frodo entered the job club. He was wearing a ripped brown mac with waterproof trousers in a dull shade of grey. On his feet were, what looked like under the mud casing (Legolas hoped it was mud), green wellingtons. His face was a bright shade of pink, his nose burgundy, and his lips luminous crimson in between the gushes of water running down his forehead and dripping off his chin. He scuffled over to the heater and started to strip off his waterproofs, each piece being accompanied by loud smacking of water hitting the floor.
After about ten minutes of warming up, being forced to drink Merry's version of what he called "tea", and settling himself down at the table where everyone was gathered, Frodo finally spoke.
"I quit."
Everyone blinked. Then stared. Then all looked at Frodo again in a gaze which said "Do tell us why cause we can't be arsed to ask."
"Ok." Frodo began. "Number one. The place is a hellhole. Number two. I don't appreciate or fancy cleaning up mess for the rest of my life whatever the salary is. Number three. The people are twats. Number 4. I can't be bothered walking out day in day out."
"Mess?" Pippin asked confused.
"Shit, Pippin." Frodo answered.
"What made you quit though?" Pippin asked.
Boromir sighed. Aragorn doodled on the page 3 girls. Merry poked Legolas. Legolas slapped Merry.
"He just said why Pippin." Aragorn said in between doodles.
"I thought you didn't doodle on the page 3 girls," Boromir asked Aragorn mockingly.
"Shut up, I'm bored." Aragorn responded lost in his doodle bikini affair with the brunette in front of him.
"He did? But he just counted and said points." Pippin replied, confused again.
"Pippin," Frodo said expressionless. "The job was shit."
"Oh! Well why didn't ye say?" The penny dropped.
Later on in the day, Sam arrived looking flustered and anxious. He had no money in his bank account whatsoever and was panicking as his wife, Rose, thought he did and was spending it on a ski holiday. He was only on the dole. The good thing was though, he did have a job interview which was why he was anxious as well as flustered.
"Good luck, Sam." "Hope you get the job." "Do your best." And similar comments were being aimed at Sam before his impending interview. Then he rushed or rather tripped out the door in the rain. Which was still beating down.
"Bastard," Boromir said under his breath.
"Your just jealous cause he got an interview n' you didn't!" Pippin jumped up and walked over.
"No, not Sam."
"Who then? Legolas?"
"My ears are burning!" Legolas shouted from a far off corner next to the TV.
"No, not even that poofter."
"What are ye on about then?" Pippin got annoyed and walked over back to his seat.
"These Chippendales fellas. Look at 'em. Make you sick." Boromir grumbled. He was looking at a fold out from one of the local papers. Six guys topless, one with his trousers down round his knees, were staring back at him.
"They earn up till two or three grand a night, ye know. Its good money for a bunch of bastards eh?" Merry commented with some disgust. "My wife's going to go see them." He then pouted and read a magazine. Muttering abuse under his breath.
"Two or three grand? That's not too bad." Boromir said thoughtfully.
"Not too bad? I could pay my rent for six months with that money and in two months move out of the hole!" Merry still disgusted replied.
"I have to talk with Aragorn where is he?" Boromir fetched his jacket and fixed himself up.
"Usual place."
"Space Invaders."
* * * * * * * * * * *
Err…Tadaa? Reviews please? Tell me what you think. It wasn't meant to be all comedy. It's kind of like general story mixed with humour. Its gonna get funnier as I go along though. Depends on your attitude towards humour though. I hope you liked it! Thanks for reading. xxxx
In case you didn't understand any of the words…
Dictionary:
Ye=You
Dole= Unemployed benefit. The money people get paid when they are jobless.
Hole=crap place. Really bad.
Poofter=if you hadn't guessed means a gay man. No offence to anyone. I have in no way anything against gay men or homosexuality.
Page 3 girls= naked women in daily newspapers which are usually found on page three. They only wear panties or cover their shaven area with a sheet or something.
Pub=bar
Job Club=where jobless people go in looking for jobs at a job centre.
Space Invaders=in case you don't know, (shocked) it's a classic game where you are covered by four little houses and little lines of aliens come down upon you and you have to shoot them. It's a classic people! I have it on my computer!
I don't own any of the things I mention here. Period. Yes this has been done but I came online and saw it as soon as I had the idea. (Shrugs) Sure look at all the Mary Sues etc. Now on with the story. And no. I'm not leaving out words. It's called dialect aka words or phrases people use in a specific area. Reviews are much appreciated as I need a confidence boost. Im just a girl with dreams. If you're not familiar with British Dialect there is a dictionary at the end.
1.1 The Full Monty
2 Aragorn slammed the machine against the wall. "Dammit. Lost again.." he scowled. He pushed the machine back into its normal position then left, leaving the "Space Invaders" title screen rather deformed looking. The bar was packed to the brim with people coming home from work and the usual number of unemployed people in the corner. Smoke from cigarettes filled the air and the TV blasted out flashing pictures of footballers scoring goals.
Aragorn sat at the bar, ordered a pint of beer, then read the newspaper in front of him with the headline "Strippers Roll Into Town". While he skimmed though, quite intrigued by the word "strippers", a beefy hand landed on his shoulder.
"No point in lookin' mate. They're all poofters getting their balls out for our women."
Aragorn's black hair spun round as he turned to see who the voice belonged to and he frowned.
"Our women? My woman?" he growled.
"Too right. Your Arwen was in the make up section of the chemist today picking out new lipstick….Not that I was there, course…" he gulped. "The wife seen her."
Aragorn frowned. His Arwen was going to see some toy boy strutting his stuff for her. No doubt she would compare to him and begin to complain…Then leave him for someone else and he'd be jobless and wifeless. Wonderful. Wife Runs Off With Poofter To Jamaica.
"So Boromir what do you think of this balls up then?" He jumped back out of thought to reality.
"Not bloody much." Boromir answered.
"You letting your Angie go then?"
"Have no chance in hell of stopping her."
At that moment a tall blonde youth in a checked shirt and khaki coloured, so tight that they made Boromir hiss through his teeth "Christ almighty.." and nudge Aragorn , jeans walked up beside the two mates and ordered a bacardi and coke. He then sat down, crossed his legs and stared in front of him.
Aragorn stared at him, raised an eyebrow and while grinning asked, "So Legolas. You going to go see these manly beasts take their kit off? Better watch yourself."
He winked. "Don't want you being left broken hearted now."
"Let the wankers get their man tits out." Legolas tittered. "All it is, is a sock down their boxers and baby oil."
He turned to face Aragorn, page 3 spread out in front of him, pint in hand, and Boromir peeking over his shoulder with a cigarette in his mouth.
"Smoking's bad for you." Legolas sipped on his drink and muttered.
"Do I look like the kind of person that gives a shit?" Boromir answered.
"Its bad for your complexion," he countered back.
"What complexion?" Aragorn burst into hysteric laughing.
"Hey! At least I don't sit on my ass all day playing Space Invaders and sipping, wait, knocking back, pints."
"Your right," Aragorn mused. "You sit on your ass all day in the job club knocking back coffee, doodling on the page 3 girls, smoking fags and tapping on a computer which you don't know how to work."
It was now Legolas's turn to laugh manically so much that he spilt his drink round him. Leaving a damp patch around his groin area.
"Oh shit, bollocks, crap…"
"All the words not in the Bible," Aragorn joked.
At this point, everyone in the pub was looking at the spectacle of Legolas cursing non stop for 5 minutes while frantically rubbing at the damp patch trying to get rid of it with no such luck. He jumped about the room, hopping on one leg and still wiping and whinging as he went. Eventually he fell backwards through the swinging door of the men's restrooms. Everyone laughed and muttered. The bar returned to the way it was and Legolas's whines couldn't be heard further than the second table away from the toilets.
"After that episode," Boromir began. "Is he sure he's in the right bathroom?"
Aragorn just sniggered.
* * * * * * * * * * *
2.1.1 At The Job Club
It was a cold, wet, dull day outside the job centre which enclosed Aragorn and all the other jobless or lazy people. The wind started to rage and the rain beat down on the windows. A soaking wet Pippin burst in the door, great waterfalls of droplets running off his nose. Since they had not very far to travel to the ground, it made a huge, spreading puddle in no time.
"It's bleedin' pissing it down out there so it is!" He exclaimed as his coat was peeled off him.
"Nothing changes then," Aragorn mumbled.
"You could have drowned Pip! Are you ok?" a concerned Merry questioned while dragging the coat across to the electric heater in the far corner.
"I'll live! It's a good thing I'm not in Frodo's shoes though! He has to walk to his work n' its 5 miles out of town!"
"Cleaning up cow shit I heard," Boromir whispered as he sat down opposite Aragorn.
"Ewwww!!" squeaked a voice from behind. "Boromir! I didn't need to know that!"
Without turning around, sitting in his red plastic chair lighting up yet another cigarette, Boromir said, "So Leggy…Did you recover from your little accident last night? Or do we need to hire Frodo to clean up after you just like he does for his animal friends?"
"It isn't just cow shit." Aragorn started. "There's sheep shit, chicken shit…."
"Goat shit!" Merry continued.
"Dog shit! Cat shit! Goose shit! Horse shit!" Pippin grinned.
"Can we drop the shit talk please?!" Legolas cried out. Obviously having bad mental images.
"Ok," they all murmured in agreement.
"BULLSHIT!" Boromir cried out.
"I SAID TO STOP WITH THE SHIT TALK!!!!" Legolas screamed like a banshee on phonics. He quietly then added on, "Your making me feel nauseous."
"I just stabbed me finger…son of a…."Boromir continued to rant, oblivious to Legolas's sudden outburst.
"The page 3 girls are having their revenge for you doodling over them." Aragorn muttered. Pippin and Merry both smirked behind their hands.
Before Boromir could rid himself of his life threatening wound, the green entrance door was flung open and an extremely saturated and annoyed looking Frodo entered the job club. He was wearing a ripped brown mac with waterproof trousers in a dull shade of grey. On his feet were, what looked like under the mud casing (Legolas hoped it was mud), green wellingtons. His face was a bright shade of pink, his nose burgundy, and his lips luminous crimson in between the gushes of water running down his forehead and dripping off his chin. He scuffled over to the heater and started to strip off his waterproofs, each piece being accompanied by loud smacking of water hitting the floor.
After about ten minutes of warming up, being forced to drink Merry's version of what he called "tea", and settling himself down at the table where everyone was gathered, Frodo finally spoke.
"I quit."
Everyone blinked. Then stared. Then all looked at Frodo again in a gaze which said "Do tell us why cause we can't be arsed to ask."
"Ok." Frodo began. "Number one. The place is a hellhole. Number two. I don't appreciate or fancy cleaning up mess for the rest of my life whatever the salary is. Number three. The people are twats. Number 4. I can't be bothered walking out day in day out."
"Mess?" Pippin asked confused.
"Shit, Pippin." Frodo answered.
"What made you quit though?" Pippin asked.
Boromir sighed. Aragorn doodled on the page 3 girls. Merry poked Legolas. Legolas slapped Merry.
"He just said why Pippin." Aragorn said in between doodles.
"I thought you didn't doodle on the page 3 girls," Boromir asked Aragorn mockingly.
"Shut up, I'm bored." Aragorn responded lost in his doodle bikini affair with the brunette in front of him.
"He did? But he just counted and said points." Pippin replied, confused again.
"Pippin," Frodo said expressionless. "The job was shit."
"Oh! Well why didn't ye say?" The penny dropped.
Later on in the day, Sam arrived looking flustered and anxious. He had no money in his bank account whatsoever and was panicking as his wife, Rose, thought he did and was spending it on a ski holiday. He was only on the dole. The good thing was though, he did have a job interview which was why he was anxious as well as flustered.
"Good luck, Sam." "Hope you get the job." "Do your best." And similar comments were being aimed at Sam before his impending interview. Then he rushed or rather tripped out the door in the rain. Which was still beating down.
"Bastard," Boromir said under his breath.
"Your just jealous cause he got an interview n' you didn't!" Pippin jumped up and walked over.
"No, not Sam."
"Who then? Legolas?"
"My ears are burning!" Legolas shouted from a far off corner next to the TV.
"No, not even that poofter."
"What are ye on about then?" Pippin got annoyed and walked over back to his seat.
"These Chippendales fellas. Look at 'em. Make you sick." Boromir grumbled. He was looking at a fold out from one of the local papers. Six guys topless, one with his trousers down round his knees, were staring back at him.
"They earn up till two or three grand a night, ye know. Its good money for a bunch of bastards eh?" Merry commented with some disgust. "My wife's going to go see them." He then pouted and read a magazine. Muttering abuse under his breath.
"Two or three grand? That's not too bad." Boromir said thoughtfully.
"Not too bad? I could pay my rent for six months with that money and in two months move out of the hole!" Merry still disgusted replied.
"I have to talk with Aragorn where is he?" Boromir fetched his jacket and fixed himself up.
"Usual place."
"Space Invaders."
* * * * * * * * * * *
Err…Tadaa? Reviews please? Tell me what you think. It wasn't meant to be all comedy. It's kind of like general story mixed with humour. Its gonna get funnier as I go along though. Depends on your attitude towards humour though. I hope you liked it! Thanks for reading. xxxx
In case you didn't understand any of the words…
Dictionary:
Ye=You
Dole= Unemployed benefit. The money people get paid when they are jobless.
Hole=crap place. Really bad.
Poofter=if you hadn't guessed means a gay man. No offence to anyone. I have in no way anything against gay men or homosexuality.
Page 3 girls= naked women in daily newspapers which are usually found on page three. They only wear panties or cover their shaven area with a sheet or something.
Pub=bar
Job Club=where jobless people go in looking for jobs at a job centre.
Space Invaders=in case you don't know, (shocked) it's a classic game where you are covered by four little houses and little lines of aliens come down upon you and you have to shoot them. It's a classic people! I have it on my computer!