Magical Shenanigans (Hetalia)

Author: Ashynarr

Summary: When the cat's away, the mice will play. Or: four Nations with no business being in Arthur's basement get themselves into quite the mess.

Disclaimer: Hetalia's not mine.

Warning: Random Shit, Speech-Only Fic, Nearly Crack, Repost, First Written Feb 3 2015

~0~0~0~0~0~0~0~0~

"Are you sure he's asleep?"

"For the last time, yes, I'm sure."

"Like, super-"

"He's asleep, Alfred."

"Shut it, before you get all of us caught!"

"Sorry, sorry-"

"Hey, we're here; anyone have a lockpick or something?"

"Leon does-"

"Right, let's give him room then."

[Sounds of metal clinking, followed by soft swears]

"What now?"

"Hold on, I got this."

"Alfred no-"

[CRUNCH.]

"-holy shit why didn't he ward against that, he raised you for crying out loud."

"I think the door was, but not the doorframe around it."

"You know he's gonna kill us when he sees that, right?"

"Dude, no need to worry; behold the latest in Tony-tech!"

[Some more crunching, followed by a low machine hum and some smattered approving noises.]

"How're we getting back out, then?"

"Door opens from this side, see?"

"Works for me. Now let's see what Arthur has hidden in this basement of his…"

"Are we sure we should be doing this?"

"Oi, you're saying the one time you and your twin lob in and Arthur's asleep, you don't wanna take the chance to look through his workspace?"

"I didn't say that-"

[Quick hushing sounds]

"What is it, Leon?"

"Spellbooks."

"Holy shit, these look just like something out of Harry Potter!"

"I can't understand a word on there, and the images aren't helping much."

"I can probably figure it out; Arthur's mumbling the spells under his breath all the time, and I've gotten better with languages since I was a kid."

"What if somethings goes wrong?"

"Tony can probably fix it."

"Probably?"

"Shh!"

"Thanks, Jack. Now, let's see if I can get this right…"

[Low, slow chanting, ending on a sudden note. Silence.]

"...so, did something happen?"

"It doesn't seem liiiiiiii..."

"Mattie? Shit shit shit what happened are you okay-"

"I- sorry, I just blacked out for a second there… and why does my voice sound weird?"

"Uh-"

"Alfred? Jack? Why are you staring at- tabernac what did you do to me?"

"I wasn't trying to target you or anything, I swear!"

"Well I can't think of any other reason I suddenly have- have-"

"Breasts?"

"Knockers?"

"Not helping, you two."

"Dude, it'll be like, barely noticeable under your sweater, and I know Tony can fix this."

"Really now."

"Dude. Mattie. The twenties?"

"...right, forgot about that."

"What're you two talking about?"

"Nothing!"

"Alfred spent pretty much all of the twenties as a woman because Tony thought it'd be funny. I only found out when I dropped in on a surprise visit-"

"-no one was supposed to know about that you ass-"

"-poor Toris never knew how to refer to him; couldn't even look when Al wore one of those flappers."

"Jack if you don't stop imagining that right now I swear to God I will invade you."

"Sorry, sorry, but you do have to admit it's a nice image."

"Well, I mean, I did look hot, but still."

"...say, would you-"

"NO!"

"Yeesh, sorry."

"Sure you are. Anyone up for another try?"

"Not if I'm gonna be the target again…"

"I promise I'll cast it on Jack this time, alright?"

"Hey, I thought you said you didn't direct it!"

"Yeah, I didn't; doesn't mean I can't. 's all about intent, dude."

"How about this one?"

"Hold on, Leon… Huh, I… think it's another shape shifting spell, since this middle part's the same."

"And you're suddenly an expert on magical spells too?"

"Dude, it's just solid scientific reasoning. Similar words, similar effects, yeah? Also the picture here shows someone turning into a wolf."

"...I take that back. You're going to get us all killed, I just know it."

"You're the one who suggested it in the first place."

"Just get on with it then."

"Rude. Gimme a second here…"

[More chanting, followed by another moment of silence.]

"...shit, I think I pronounced that first part wrong-"

"You think?"

"The ears look pretty cool, though."

"Can you tone it down? My head feels like it's about to burst. And I think I'm colorblind now."

"I think it's only partial with dogs-"

"Alright, I think you've had enough chances with that book; let's look at some other things before Arthur wakes up."

"But Mattieeeeee-"

"Shush. Leon, you have anything?"

"There's potions over here."

"Perfect. Alfred, you're willing to give one of these a try for science, right?"

"But I-"

"Right?"

"...fine, but if I die, I'll make sure my ghost tells Ginny it's your fault."

"I doubt anything here can kill you that permanently, Al. Here, try this one."

"Ew, it looks like mud. And smells as bad as the rest of Artie's cooking."

"Shut up and drink it."

"Oh my god it tastes even worse I didn't even know that was possible-"

"-Alfred-"

"-OH MY GOD I'M MELTING MATTIE WHAT DID YOU DO TO ME-"

"-Alfred! I think it's polyjuice!"

"Polyjuice? Wait - who do I look like? No wait, hold on-"

"Uhm, maybe we should just-"

"Am I the commie now? What the fuck, why does Arthur even have this? Jesus christ his nose is huge, and I think I gained like two hundred pounds or something. Wait-"

"Are you seriously checking-"

"Hah! I knew I was bigger!"

"-oooooooooof course you are."

"Hahaha, take that, communism!"

"I don't think economic structure has anything to do with that."

"Well I have proof now that landmass doesn't either. Suck it, Ruskie!"

"You realize none of this conversation is helping your case against Francis about your definite lack of obsession with Ivan, right?"

"Dude. Dude. Don't even joke about that."

"Who says I'm joking?"

"Hey, guys? What're those things flying around the shelves and watching us?"

"...I don't see anything-"

"They're tiny people with wings, how can you not see them?"

"Those are probably Artie's faeries; I think animals can sense them better than us-"

"Leon, look out!"

[Crash.]

"Shit, Artie's definitely gonna kill us when he sees this."

"Leon, are you okay?"

"..."

"Leon?"

"I'm going to kill you all."

"Holy fuck he's been infected with the rage virus! Quick, intervention!"

"RELEASE ME SO THAT I CAN GUT YOU-"

"Someone call Tony fast; we have to stabilize him before it's too late and he becomes a zombie for good!"

"Alfred I don't think he's a zombie-"

"Well calling Tony is still better than leaving him like this-"

"What the hell is going on in here?"

"Shit." "Uh-oh." "Fuck."

"I'll make it slow and painful for all of you- mmph!"

"Not now, Leon."

"Have you four been using my spellbooks? And my potions?"

"...would you believe us if we said no?"

"I swear I raised you four better than this-"

"Says the guy who was never there…"

"I heard that, Jack, don't think I won't punish you for being smart with me."

"Can you fix us before you start yelling? Because I don't think we want to deal with Leon screaming about murder the whole time."

"Him, I'll fix, but the rest of you? I have a better plan in mind…"

~0~0~0~

"Matthew?"

"Mmm."

"Why are you-"

"Don't ask."

"...does it have to do with-"

"Don't ask."

"...right, I'll just go then-"

"Mmm."

"Enjoying yourself, Matthew?"

"The most fun I've ever had, Arthur."

"Don't be smart with me; you knew you'd get in trouble by messing around with other people's property. And it could be worse; consider what Jack and Alfred are dealing with."

"I get it, Arthur, you don't need to rub it in."

"For some reason, I doubt that."

"KOLKOLKOLKOLKOLKOLKOL-"

"Fuck off you commie fatass-"

"Will you two stop disrupting the meeting?"

"Oi, will everyone just stop shouting already?"

"Wow, I think that's a new record for descent into chaos."

"It seems that way."

"I can't imagine what it'd be like if Leon weren't back to normal already."

"Er…"

"Arthur?"

[SLAM]

"Oh teacher~"

"AIYAH! Arthur what did you do to him?"

"Why are you blaming me?"

"Because it's always your fault, opium bastard!"

"...right, I'm just gonna go then."

"Who?"

[Sighs] "I'm Matthew, damnit."

~0~0~0~0~0~0~0~0~

AN: Silly thing based on an older KM prompt; basically it was 'Arthur's ex-colonies start messing around with the magical stuff in his basement and shenanigans happen'. Decided to experiment by writing it all in dialogue and leaving most things to your imagination. I think it turned out well! Anyways, enjoy (or not).