A/N This is going to be my last South Park fic with a pairing. Just finishing up an idea I had a few years ago. I'll update whatever this is maybe once a week or so till I have it done, probably five short 'chapters'. Read on! Its heavy on references, and meant to be very silly. Kiddos don't have great judgment.

"You're making that up, Cartman."

"Its the truth Stan."

"Cartman, Kyle doesn't have any...Jew whatever."

Stan sighed at Cartman's indignant face and pinched the bridge of his nose. The two boys were in Cartman's bedroom, the fat one seated behind his desk, his hands folded neatly on the polished oak. How many times had Stan been in this exact same position? How many times had he been black mailed, tricked, and disturbed in this chair since the days of their childhood?

Too many.

"No Stan! He does. All Jews have a little sack of gold they carry around their neck. Jew Gold." Cartman held up a picture of a small brown satchel hanging by a thin white string.

Stan rolled his eyes. "You are so full of it. Why are you even telling me this crap?"

The sudden gleam in Cartman's eyes made Stan want to throw up his hastily eaten lunch.

"Because, Stan," He said in a deliciously devious voice, "I want you to get it for me."

Stan was unimpressed despite Cartman's sickening look. "You don't honestly expect me to steal from my best friend, do you?"

"Of course not, Stan," said Cartman in a tone that was obvious that he absolutely did, "But if you don't, I'm going to tell your parents that you were in the closet with Wendy at Clyde's party."

Stan jumped to his feet. "Yeah, but...nothing happened! We broke up months ago! We only went in there because we were playing that stupid game! Seven minutes in-"

"Heaven, yes, I know. However, your parents don't."

"Well...then I'll tell them first!"

"They'll call Wendy's parents too. Parents don't take lightly to that kind of thing. You'll be grounded for what, two? Three weeks?"

Stan took a step backwards, "No..no! I can't be grounded, Token's super kick ass party is on Saturday!"

Cartman leaned forward and down, causing a shadow to creep over and highlight the most frightening features of his face. "You will get me Kyle's Jew Gold."

Stan hung his head in shame. "Fine. I'll look for this goddamn 'Jew Gold'. But he's not going to have any!"

"Excellent," Cartman exclaimed, sitting back comfortably, ignoring the opposition. "But be careful, Jew's always keep a spare one full of fake gold so that no one steals the real one. Discretion is needed. I can't have Kyle know what we're after."

Stan sighed and grabbed his backpack off the bed. "Whatever dude." And with that, Stan was out of Cartman's bedroom, out of the house.

No matter how severe the punishments, Stan would never have agreed to steal something of Kyle's if he thought it actually existed. Then again, Kyle had made the same mistake with Leprechauns...but that was different, right?

Stan shook his head at the unfortunate memory. He couldn't even remember exactly how that trial ended. Stan decided he would just hang out with Kyle and check out if he wore anything that resembled the satchel. Then, he could prove the fatass was wrong. But how would he check? Stan shoved his hands into his pockets and kept walking down the dismal street. The summer was fairly cozy and stable, but today gray clouds swirled above him menacingly. A slight drop of rain landed atop his nose. It was then that Stan's idea was first formed. He turned directly around and headed to Kyle's, further constructing the plan as we walked.

"Stan? Are you sure you want to go? It's like sixty degrees out here." Kyle looked warily at the storm brewing overhead.

Stan glared at the sky before ushering his friend into the big, colorfully painted building. "The pool's indoors Kyle, it doesn't matter how cold it is outside."

Kyle shrugged at his friend and smiled at the woman behind the counter. "Hi Mrs. McCormick."

"Hai boys," she said in the shakey and scratchy voice that claimed her both a smoker and a drinker. "Kenny's in the back room testing treadmills. Go on back." She waved them away from the desk and lifted a water bottle that was undoubtedly filled with some kind of a liquor to her lips.

"'Bye Mrs. McCormick."

"Will I see you two boys in church this sunday?"

The boys shared a glance. "Sure Mrs. McCormick."

"Well alright then," She said dismissively, and continued to drink.

"Dude, isn't she going to get fired for drinking on the job?" Kyle whispered incredulously. "And...I thought they worshiped Cthulhu?"

"No way man, she's like totally armed back there. The last person who asked her what was in the water bottle needed 12 stitches! Everyone's afraid of her." Stan opened the door to the weight training room. "Maybe regular church is to flush out all the...weird midnight birthing stuff."

He led Kyle though the big double doors to where Kenny was crouched by a big machine that if improperly used, had obvious potential to kill someone.

Kenny stood to greet his friends. "Hey guys what's going on?"

"Come on, we're going swimming." Stan's bad mood was more than poorly concealed. He could feel the guilt building and boiling over into agitation. He felt wrong about even agreeing to basically spy on his best friend, whatever the cost and however improbable the outcome. It was his decision to go into that closet, damn it, and he should have stood up to Cartman!

Kenny glanced at Kyle, who rolled his eyes in apathy. Kenny turned back to Stan, giving his muffled reply.

"Okay, let's go." Stan spun on his heel and pushed hard on the metal bars. He paused, staring at them as if they had just made a gesture of serious offense. It lasted only a second, before he was out the door and walking briskly down the empty hall to the lockers.

The pool was virtually empty. They had picked a good time to go; all of the students were either sleeping in or working their summer jobs, all of the adults were at work, and it was almost lunchtime for the old men who were determined to stay in shape. Stan popped back into the locker rooms just as Kyle and Kenny entered. "Pool's all clear."

A slight nod of the head for each of the boys was the only confirmation that they'd heard. If Stan weren't so irritated with that damn fat-ass then he'd have been unnerved by the quiet. The only sound was the gentle rustling of clothes being removed and replaced. He sighed under his breath, aware that his frustration at the blackmailing earlier that morning was wearing on his friends. He felt like a tool, having let himself be manipulated into an attempt at reducing his best friend into nothing more than a stereotype.

Despite his morals, Stan knew this was his opportunity to prove Cartman wrong. He was a bad liar, if Cartman looked him in the eye and asked, he would know Stan hadn't even tried. He turned where he stood to face the red headed boy. Kyle had just finished untying his shoes and was beginning to unbutton his pants. Stan watched as Kyle paused at his open pants, and started to pull of his shirt. Stan felt his face grow hot; what kind of a person watches their friend like this? But he kept his eyes on him, it was the only way to shut Cartman up. The other boy's shirt was placed in the locker, and Stan searched desperately Kyle's neck for any necklace. He didn't see one. He breathed his release.

Then Kyle started shucking down his pants and Stan turned his head so quickly his neck popped. Kenny noticed, and laughed at him.

"Shut up, Kenny." Stan glared.

Kyle looked up. "What'd I just miss?"

"Stan's being shy."

"I'm not shy you jackass, I just don't wanna see my friend's dick!"

Kenny dropped his pants, wiggling his boxer clad package at Stan and laughing hysterically at the face he reaction.

"DUDE! KENNY!" Stan shouted, but he heard Kyle snicker.

"Lighten up dude, they're just dicks." Kenny turned around and dropped his boxers, wiggling his bare ass before slipping into his swim shorts. "Are you worried my sexy body will turn you on?"

Stan scoffed at the pose Kenny struck, hand on his hip. "Whatever dude. Are you gonna watch me change now?"

Kenny dramatically fell onto the bench beside Stan and rested his chin on his hand. "Maaaaybe."

Stan gave him a look. "Don't be gay." Then he frowned. "I mean, totally be gay if you want, just, don't be gay at me while I'm changing."

Kenny looked like he was thinking hard, so Stan switched into his swim gear while he was distracted, grumbling about friends being easier to handle when high.

Kyle shoved Kenny's shoulder as he passed by them. "If you guys are gonna stop being hormonal any time soon, I'll be in the pool."

Kenny grinned at Stan before jumping up and running past their red headed friend.

"CANON BAAAAALL!"

"No WAY!"

A slack jawed Stan stared at his chubby foe. He had just spent a half hour recounting every last detail of the uncomfortable adventure of watching his best friend undress.

Cartman's eyes narrowed, "You were careless. You left him several opportunities to remove his gold and hide it without you noticing. Sneakyjewrat," He mumbled darkly.

Stan pinched the bridge of his nose in agitation. "I am not doing this again. Once was plenty."

Cartman slammed his hands down on the desk, the effort giggling his entire being. He rose to shout at Stan. "IF YOU DON'T I'M GONNA RAT OUT TOKEN'S PARTY!"

"Dude! Not cool!"

"If you had bothered to do it correctly the first time, we wouldn't be IN this SITUATION!" Cartman snapped. "You'll just have to do it again. Offer to buy him something, Jews can't resist an opportunity for free stuff."

"GOD DAMN IT CART-" Stan shut his eyes. Getting mad would get him nowhere. He needed to placate if Token's super kick ass party was at stake. "You know what, I'll just take care of it. I'll take care of it, okay?"

Cartman lowered himself back down onto his chair and leaned back, looking focused with consideration. After a long moment, he conceded. "Alright. But you had better be thorough."

Stan got up out of his chair and made for the door, pulling out his phone. He paused, halfway out of the room. "Hey Cartman...ratting out Token's party would make you the most unpopular kid in school...why do you want Kyles money so bad?"

Cartman looked up from his faux paperwork (Stan had seen; they were collages of ice cream and fried chicken), with a face as if they answer were the most obvious thing in the world.

"After the incident with the ginger cow, my mother cut off my allowance. The new Elder Scrolls game comes out in a week."

Stan slammed the door.