The first memory I can recall first hand is a trip to Hudson Bay; it was some holiday, the 4th of July I think, and my family was there. There were brilliantly beautiful fireworks, and I remember jumping as hard and high as I could, trying to pluck the fireworks out of the sky. Of course, inevitable injury followed, I scraped my knee on the pavement, and my parents carried me home early, crying my eyes out. Looking back, that was probably the scariest moment of my life, not including the time I broke my arm skiing and when Nicky had that really bad panic attack while I was at work.

Nicky…you know, people always ask me why someone as easily irritated as me would ever share an apartment with someone as lazy and messy as Nicky; usually I tell people those people to piss off and mind their own business, but I suppose it's not an unreasonable inquiry. Heck, sometimes I don't even get why I put up with her. We're always getting into fights, always bickering; I nag her, she tells me I'm not her mother, I tell her that I'll treat her like an adult when she starts acting like one, she tells me to stop being so uptight. But the one time we separated, I was miserable and she was homeless, so I suppose we just have to learn to live with each other's faults, since it's very obvious we can't live without each other. It probably helps that we're head over heels in love with each other.

People seem to think the reason I put up with Nicky is her kind, loyal, ditzy, good natured personality, when in reality, that couldn't be farther than the truth; Nicky isn't ditzy and she isn't stupid. She's a complex person who's spent her entire life building up a façade of toughness to survive her childhood and teen years, and then trading that in for a "lovable oaf" persona as soon as we got to college. Her supposed "reinvention" of herself was complete bull though. I KNOW Nicky though. She's not ditzy and good natured, nor is she dense; she's acutely aware of everything and everyone around her. If you couldn't tell, I wouldn't blame you, though.

There's a reason she majored in acting.

The first time we met, I was utterly lost and pressed against the wet ground.

"Down on the ground, hands where I can see 'em! Empty out your pockets, bitch," Oh my God. The ONE time I take a wrong bus and get lost in the hood, it had to be the one time I get mugged. Fucking great.

I could feel one of the men's breath on the shell of my ear, stinking of stale whiskey and tobacco.

"What's a pretty little thing like you doing on this side of town?" I froze, whimpering slightly as he sniffed my hair and stroked the small of my back. I heard a scoff from my right.

"C'mon Donovan, let's get outta here. The bitch ain't got no money on 'er." Donovan pulled back, and for a moment, I thought he might actually let me go, but no such luck. My heart nearly stopped, and I let out a yelp as he stuck his ice cold hand down my skirt.

"Maybe she got it in her little skirt, Hanson. Whatcha think, short skirt?" I shook my head rapidly, muffling my sobs. Oh God, this wasn't how I was supposed to loose my virginity. Hanson snorted.

"Yer jus horny. C'mon, let's getcha a hooke…JESUS FUCK!" His statement was cut off. "WHAT THE FUCK YOU STUPID WHORE, YOU STABBED ME!" I felt the weight pull off my back as Donovan clambered to his feet unsteadily.

"What the hell is this?!" A raspy, feminine voice responded.

"What do it look like, Donovan? I just shanked Hanson's sorry ass, and I don't got no reason to not shoot you for being a fucking asshole. Now scram before I gotta do something you'll regret!" A strangled groan escaped Hanson as Donovan and him ran out of the alley. I felt the nudge of worn Converse against my side. The figure got down on her knees and reached a hand out. "You okay kid? You look pretty roughed up," Shaking, I took the hand.

"Damn, that must be some expensive get up…what's a girl like you doing in a place like this?" I locked eyes with her.

"I'm lost, I guess," I muttered, eyes darting to the ground. She laughed loudly.

"You guess? You look pretty lost to me," I giggled quietly, just from the surreal nature of the situation.

"I am. I'm trying to get home to Valonia Street, off of 4th and Augustus," She cocked an eyebrow.

"Jesus, you ARE lost," We both stood, brushing ourselves off. I cleared my throat.

"Who were those guys? Won't they be back to get you?" She snorted.

"Donovan and Hanson? Just a couple of a dumbasses that live in my building. Always out stealin' shit and trying to get laid. My family practically owns them anyway. Let you in on a little secret…" she leaned over "My family owns New York's top drug ring, and those piece of shit junkies wouldn't touch me if they could,"

"Oh…" I didn't know if she was kidding or not, and I wasn't sure I wanted to know to be honest. She glanced at me, sticking her hand back out. "Nicole Vias-Morello. But my friends call me Nicky. You?" I shook her hand hesitantly.

"Reese Perriwinkle," She grinned.

"Imma call you Reese's Pieces, 'kay? And you can call me Cola, if some dipshit wants to ask you what you're doing over in this part of town. Just say you're Cola's friend," I nodded.

"Okay..." A wide smile broke out on her face.

"Say…why don't I teach you how to defend yourself? It could be fun, ya know, and then if you ever came back over here for some reason, you'd be able to save yourself!" I felt my face grow hot.

"Sorry about you having to save me, by the way," She snickered.

"Anytime. Though it would be nice to not have to save your ass when you come by once in a while," When I come by? Did that mean she wanted to…hang out? With ME? Didn't she think I was a loser? Why was she being nice? Suddenly, her face turned red. "That is, if you wanna come by…" I shook my head and broke out of my trance, smiling widely.

"No, that'd be great! So, you'll teach me-"

"Kickboxing,"

"…kickboxing?"

"Yeah! Great for the heart and soul, and also great for self-defense," It was then it seemed to dawn on her that we were in an alley in the middle of the night. She pulled me along by the wrist onto the pavement and started leading me across the street. "C'mon, Perriwinkle, you can stay with me tonight. There's no way in hell I'm letting you go home alone in the dark. You can borrow some of my pajamas, and I'll walk you home in the morning," I nodded mutely, blushing.

"I'll need to call my parents, but you don't have to do that, Nicky…I mean-" She wheeled around to face me.

"I know, no one never said I gotta, I want to,"

"Oh…well thank you, that's really sweet of you," She chuckled.

"Don't mention it,"

It occurred to me then that Nicky was a very attractive girl; long lashes and bright red lip stick, neatly braided hair, chocolate eyes and smooth green skin. She wasn't particularly skinny, but she had curves and muscles, probably from excessive kickboxing. I thought to myself, large, dorky glasses and thin with no curves, light blue skin and ugly, clashing red hair. Nicky was very much out of league, I decided, and even if she wasn't, she was probably not…like me. I knew then that she could never know about this stupid crush I had on her. That entire summer was spent learning kickboxing with Nicky. Three days a week, I left my dotting parents with a can of mace and a knife in my purse to go see her on the east side. And every day, I managed to fall more in love with her, despite my desperate attempts to ignore my dumb infatuation with her.

The first time I knew I was royally fucked was on one of these occasions, when we took a break to go swimming in the lake. Nicky didn't own a swimsuit, and it was spur of the moment, so we just went in our clothes. As soon as she got out of the water, she was soaking wet and lacking her usual gaudy make up. She threw her head back, laughing, and downed a can of soda.

"Stop staring at me so hard Reese, I look awful," I turned away, blushing. Damnit Reese, quit staring!

"Yeah, sorry, just noticing how bad you look without all that make up," She snorted and started to rebraid her thick black hair.

"Whatever, I know you're in love with me," My heart stopped and I grew pale.

"…what?" I had tried so hard to hide it, but she knew. Stupid, stupid, stupid! She laughed.

"Calm down, Perriwinkle, I'm just kidding," I let out a breath I didn't know I'd been holding and laid back. She grew serious for a moment and stared at me. "But you know I'd be fine with it if you did, right? I wouldn't think less of you…"

"Yes, heh, I know. But I'm not one of those gays, okay, I'm completely straight! Ha!" She didn't look convinced, in hindsight, but then again I've never been good at lying to her. She leaned back.

"Nothing gold can stay…" I wrinkled my nose.

"Please don't steal quotes from the Outsiders Nicky," She snorted and punched my side.

"Whatever. It's a good poem! And how do you know I was quoting the Outsiders, huh? Maybe I just really like Robert Frost," I smirked.

"Because you wouldn't shut up about how hot the actors they picked for the movie were until I took you to see it," She grinned cheekily.

"Because they were!" I nodded uncomfortably.

"Yeah, they were really hot with all their…muscles and abs," She snickered.

"Good job, that really convinced me," she deadpanned. It was then I tackled her, sending us both flying into the lake.

"WHAT THE HELL?" she gasped, laughing and looking not at all angry. I grinned.

"Rule number one in kickboxing…always be ready for when your opponent might attack," She scoffed.

"I taught you that you cheeky bitch," I stuck my tongue out at her.

"And so student surpasses the teacher,"

"Oh we'll see about that!" And so the splash match began. But nothing could keep the worry from bubbling up inside of me; she knew, and she was waiting for me to confess.

Fuck.

The first time I saw one of Nicky's darker moments was when I was sleeping over. My parents believed I was at Cynthia Scott's house (she was a total bitch who hated me), and I was playing chess with her. I had just won for the third time, when she flipped the board over.

"Man, this game is bullshit! Checkers is so much better!" I laughed.

"Nicky, chess is a game of long term strategy and planning; you need to think ahead to the next five moves if you wanna win," She groaned.

"But Reese's Pieces, that's so boring! Can't we play checkers?" I sighed and shook my head.

"Alright, but you have to be the one to go get the board and pieces while I put away the chess set," She mock saluted, called me sir, and headed out; I started putting the set away. After about 15 minutes on my own, I sensed something was really wrong, and went to go check on her. I roamed the halls, calling her name and searching the rooms. What I found shocked me.

Nicky's mother was leaned over her, rubbing her back. Nicky herself was curled up in a tight ball, moaning and crying. I stood, dumbstruck and silent for about 5 minutes, before Ms. Vias-Morello noticed me. She silently nodded, as if to say it was fine, and I carefully padded across the kitchen floor, stooping down and patting Nicky on the back. She sat there, eyes glassy, shivering. It was as if she didn't know I was there. Her mother leaned over and whispered,

"Nicole sometimes has spells where she gets like this," I blinked, trying to process the information.

"Nicky has…panic attacks?" She nodded gravely.

"It doesn't happen often, but sometimes it's really bad," She continued stroking her back and shushing her, voice low and soothing. She spoke in Italian to Nicky, whispering and humming, until Nicky slowly stopped shaking and returned to normal. She sat up, eyes puffy from tears, and wrapped her arms around her knees. Nicky's mother went to put some tea on for her.

"I'm…really sorry you had to see that Reese," I shook my head, dumbfounded.

"No, I don't mind, really, I just never would have thought…" She laughed humorously.

"What? That I'm a freak that spazzes out for no reason sometimes? That I need my mommy to fix me? That the reason I don't go to public school is that I could freak the fuck out for no reason in the middle of class?" I grabbed her hands and stared at her intently.

"Nicole, I never want to hear you say that again, alright? You're a wonderful, beautiful girl, and this doesn't change you in the slightest. I love you just like you are," I winced as I realized my slip up, but she smiled faintly before I could back pedal the last part.

"Don't. I get what you're trying to say," I hugged her tightly, wanting to kiss her now more than ever.

"My mom says it runs in the family," she whispered. I sighed softly.

"I love you Nicky. You're my best friend," She gripped me tighter.

"I love you too Reese,"

The first time I ever said goodbye to Nicky, I was crying; I was off to college, and my meaningful relationship with my best friend was all but over. I'm a gross crier, my face turns red and my nose runs and my eyes get puffy, but I don't think Nicky really cared. She was holding me tightly. I remember hugging her and never wanting to let go. It would be easier if she was staying here, but she had gotten into an acting school through her grandmother in Virginia. I might never see my best friend and true love again. She took my hand in hers and wiped my tears away with her thumb.

"Don't cry Reese, you're going to your dream school! It's not forever, and when you're running a big company and rich, look your old pal Nicky up!" That only served to make me cry harder. She kissed my cheeks and smiled softly.

"Stay gold Reese's Pieces. Stay gold,"

The first time I was ever surprised to see Nicky was on the first day of college; I was settling in when the door opened and the dean explained that they had a last minute transfer and that I was the only one without a roommate. I spent the day wondering who in hell would be able to get in last minute like that and figured it might be some kind of snobby rich girl. That night, I came in late from orientation and one of the parties I had been invited to, too tired to introduce myself to the girl in the other bed.

When I woke the next morning, I was in for a shock.

Nicole Vias-Morello was in the bed across the room, snoring quietly and hugging a pillow. I swallowed hard and shook her.

"…Nicky?" She sat up and glanced at me tiredly.

"My grandma pulled some strings to get me into this school, okay? She has crazy connections, remember? I'm taking the fast track arts course," I was still speechless.

"But…what about Virginia? You love that school!" She smiled.

"But I love you more, Reese," She groaned. "Can we talk more later? I'm exhausted from the trip here," I nodded, completely amazed.

Nicky loved me enough to give up her dream school to be with me.

The first time I asked Nicky to room with me, we had both finished college. My parents' friend had offered me a job at an investment banking agency, working with stocks, just like I wanted, but Nicky didn't know where she was going to get a job. She explained to me that she could always deal drugs like her parents, but that somehow, it would feel wrong; not that she didn't love her parents, but she wanted to make an honest living. For the time being, she had no way to pay the bills, and Reese saw no other choice but to demand they room together.

"But Reese, I'd be freeloading! I can't do that to you; I can't pay rent or buy groceries or none of that shit!" I shook my head.

"Nicky, first of all, I can't imagine life without you. You're my best friend in the whole world, practically family! Second, you don't wanna deal drugs; you wanna make an honest living! There's nothing wrong with that! And in your condition, you're not fit to work…" She gave me a withering look.

"Reese, that's not fair. You're not allowed to use my panic attacks to justify why I should move in with you,"

"Why not? You need someone to take care of you when you get like that, which I am more than happy to do. And I don't mind you not paying rent, my job pays enough to cover all that stuff!" Her face fell and she covered her face with her hands.

"I don't need to be babysat, I am perfectly capable of taking care of myself Reese!" I put a hand on her shoulder.

"Of course Nicky…but it never hurts to have someone to lean on when things get rough," She sighed, glancing at me.

"Alright," she murmured reluctantly.

"Yay! This will be fun!" I cried.

It took about three days to realize that Nicky is total hell to live with, but I found myself not minding so much. She was an amazing friend, and I enjoyed our time together. And, as promised, I kept my phone on so that she could call me if her attacks started getting serious and was there when they did.

The first time someone on Avenue Q found out about Nicky's panic attacks was when we were having the Big Fight, when I kicked her out for telling the entire block that she was totally sure I was a lesbian; it hurt because my sexuality was a touchy subject at that point, and I wanted nothing more than to stay comfortably tucked away in the closet for as long as I wanted to. She had been staying with Brandy and Boxing Day, when I got an urgent call from the latter.

"Reese! I need herp!" I froze.

"What?"

"It about Nicky, she on froor, crying and shaking," I felt my stomach twist. Why now, of all times, would Nicky have a panic attack? When I was supposed to be madly pissed at her? But it wasn't even a decision of whether I would help her or not; I had made a vow to always be there for Nicky when she needed me, regardless of my own petty feelings, and even if I didn't swear it to her face years ago, I still needed to help her.

"Boxing Day, don't do anything, I'll be right there!" I practically flew down the stairs, not even bothering to put on a robe over my pajamas. I must have looked atrocious, my hair in a messy ponytail, no make-up, silk pajamas hanging loosely off my frame. I pounded on the door, and as soon as the door opened, I was inside the modest apartment.

"Where is she?!" Brandy, dumbstruck, pointed mutely to the spare kitchen. I ran in to find Boxing Day leaned over Nicky, trying to soothe her panic. Oh God, this one was a bad one.

"Reese! So grad you here!" he cried. I shushed him harshly, dropping to my knees and rubbing her back.

"Nicky's having a panic attack," I whispered. Ignoring his questioning gaze, I wrapped my arms around her softly. "Nicky, baby, it's Reese. I'm…I'm sorry I kicked you out, I love you so much," I kissed her cheek and began to sing the song her mother would sing to calm her in her teen years. "The pen is cleft, the dust has settled, the robin's nest is in a kettle, the sky is setting down to dusk, my love may just be good enough…"

Slowly but surely, Nicky stopped sweating and shaking, and sat up. Silently, I wrapped my arms around her. Boxing Day, probably feeling awkward, brushed nonexistent lint off his pajamas and stood.

"I put on some tea," We remained in a tight embrace, exchanging no words.

I returned to the apartment alone that night, my pride in the way of letting her back home.

The first time I kissed Nicky on the lips, we were lying on the couch, sometime after the Big Fight had been resolved. She was drinking a beer and I was typing away on my laptop, checking my stock portfolio and occasionally sipping on a diet soda. It was remarkably ordinary scene, like something out of a home décor magazine, but it was mundane in a secure and familiar way; she was on her back on the couch and I was in my overstuffed chair. She took a drag from a cigarette, a rare occurrence, seeing as I thought it was a filthy habit. But it calmed her when she felt an attack coming, so sometimes I let it slide. I closed my laptop.

"What's the matter?" She glanced up at me in confusion. "You only smoke when you're apprehensive," She sighed, taking another drag.

"Oh, I hadn't noticed. I've just been thinking about stuff," I cocked an eyebrow.

"What kind of stuff," She sat up, stretching and standing to her feet.

"I'm getting another drink. You want anything?" I shook my head, and she shrugged, clambering into the kitchen. I heard her rustling around the fridge and rolled my eyes.

"In the very back, top shelf," She laughed.

"I know, I know. So…I've been thinking. What would I label myself as? Because I like you a lot, but usually I don't go that way, if you catch my drift," I nearly choked on my soda as she appeared in the doorway.

"Nicole, what are you saying?" She grinned and padded across the floor in her socks, seating herself in my lap and setting her drink on the table.

"I'm saying I've been a right moron in taking so long to figure out that I'm in love with you," She stated matter-of-factly. "During the fight, I realized how miserable I was without you, Reese. I need you. Honestly, I can't imagine ever having sex with you, but if it meant I'd get to keep you forever, I wouldn't mind trying," she explained. I felt like the wind had been knocked out of me, like my heart would never stop beating so fast. She pulled my glasses off my face and flushed. "Of course, you'll have to excuse my lack of experience, since I haven't exactly kissed anyone in a while," she muttered. She pressed her lips to mine gingerly and threaded her fingers into my hair. I moaned into the kiss, feeling myself kiss back eagerly. We sat like this for a solid minute, just kissing, before we parted. She chuckled nervously. "Well say something!" she whispered with a hint of desperation. I giggled girlishly and cupped her face in my hands, kissing her again, much harder this time. This time when we pulled away, I whispered,

"I've been in love with you since we were teenagers," At this she snorted.

"Well no shit. That much was obvious," she teased. I stuck my tongue out at her in a juvenile attempt to retort.

"Hey now, I didn't think I was THAT obvious…" She laughed.

"Oh you were, honey. You were,"

And just like that, we were an item.

The first time we had sex, I was nervous as hell; I'd never gotten this far with anyone, let alone a girl, and I was worried about my lack of experience. But Nicky was so sweet and gentle, and she took it aching slow for me, treating me like I might break if I wasn't handled with care. She held my hand when I cried from the cool burn of penetration, whispering softly like I had so many times when she needed it.

But the feeling…it was absolutely wonderful. To watch her slowly undress, to feel her kiss me, to touch her and help her insecurities melt away.

"I'm not as fit as I was when we were kids, Reese," she murmured. I smiled taking her hand in mine.

"I know. It doesn't matter. You're still beautiful,"

The sounds she made, the way she moved against me, the taste of her, the sensations...it was all too much, and it was over all too soon. I apologized for not lasting; she laughed and said I had the rest of our lives to build up stamina.

When she had an after sex smoke, I let it go, and fell asleep beside her.

The first time I asked Nicky to marry me, we were visiting my cousins in Mississippi. We were at a restaurant; I was wearing my casual clothes, she was in a pair of jeans and a t-shirt, and we were laughing and talking all night with my family. Nicky was the life of the party, cracking jokes and making everyone have a good time. It was drawing close to our two year anniversary, and I remember a boy from across the room asking her to dance. I was mad; I could feel the rage boiling beneath my skin. I watched her turn him down for a date, explaining that she lived really far away and was just visiting; the anger fizzed over when he kissed her unexpectedly and grabbed her ass. I stood up rather forcefully, striding over to the pair. Nicky glanced at me pleadingly.

"Excuse me sir, that would be my date you're hitting on," I seethed, pulling Nicky next to me by the arm. He scoffed.

"Please, that's the oldest trick in the book. I know real lesbians when I see them, thank you very much," I saw red as I kissed Nicky as hard as I could, slipping my tongue into her mouth. When I pulled away, I told him to piss off. Of course he laughed. "You can do better than that bitch,"

"FINE!" I fumed. "How's this for being a lesbian?" I got down on one knee and looked at her. "Nicole, I'm in love with you. You've been my best friend for so long, and I feel like it's only a matter of time before I ask, so I might as well prove my point while doing this. I know it feels like we've been married for years, but the last two years have been the best of my life. So…will you do me the incredible honor of being my wife forever? Legally?" I looked up to gage her reaction. I watched tears form in her eyes as she squeaked,

"Yes, yes, a million times yes! I WILL marry you Reese!" she screamed, pulling me up and throwing her arms around my shoulders. I beamed.

"God, you really are dykes! Hey everyone, we got a couple of queers!" he hooted. Everyone, including my family, all looked over in shock, and I felt the fire leave me. Fear set in; I wasn't ready to tell my extended family about Nicky and I! But the look on their faces wasn't judgmental; it was proud and happy. My cousin Andrew laughed.

"So what? Reese is happy, I'm happy!" The rest of the family seemed to agree. I turned to face the boy that hit on Nicky.

"I'm glad you think my fiancée is attractive kid, but she's mine. Fuck off you homophobic twat," Grabbing Nicky's wrist, the two of us rejoined the family, who congratulated us as a whole.

Later that night, Nicky showed me just how appreciated my jealousy was.

So I suppose that's it then. The end of the story for now, I suppose. Nicky and I are getting married in the spring of next year, and we've been sitting at home, picking out flowers for the décor. We're scheduled to pick out wedding dresses next week, and here I'm sitting, writing out our entire story in a Word document on my laptop. God, when did I become such a sap?

Nicky's family was overjoyed that she had found someone who made her so happy, and my family reactions range from lukewarm apathy to excitement at my happiness. We've invited everyone on Avenue Q to the wedding, Boxing Day and Brandy, the newly married Cody and Penelope, Gary, Lucas, and even Trekkie (though I doubt he's coming).

What more is there to say? You've already listened to my rambling for God knows how long, and you've gotten by now that I'm in love with Nicky. I suppose it's time I answered my own question from the beginning; why do I live with Nicky? Well, it's like Boxing Day says; love and hate are like two brothers, and where ever one goes, the other follows. I love Nicky with all my heart and soul, and whatever happens, we'll stick together. As long as she's mine, I'll be able to defy gravity. (Heh, sorry, can't help the Broadway references sometimes).

But I love you Nicky Vias-Morello. And I guess I'll just have to put up with your annoying habits. Because every day with you is like that 4th of July by the Hudson Bay, when I felt like I was invincible, only better. Because I've spent my whole life skinning my knee, and now…

I can finally pluck the fireworks out of the sky.