Chapter One

I slapped the exam down on the desk. "Happy now?" I asked. Damn Healers, keeping me locked up like that nutter Lockhart. If only they would lock him up. He's walked in so many times as I was dressing that I knew it wasn't an accident. Damn perv.

"Miss Granger, calm down," the Healer said. He passed the sheet to the old woman sitting in the corner. She looked like an innocent old thing, a nice purple robe with little lace embellishments, but if she didn't grade my exam with an O I was going to throttle her.

Apparently, I lost my memory. I don't remember such a thing, but I guess they're right. Old people keep coming to visit me calling me their daughter, but I don't remember them. The Healers won't release me to them because they're Muggles, but only family can take me until I'm cleared. Stupid system.

"Miss Granger, if this is the patience you display without your memory, you won't be at Hogwarts for very long," said the sexy man in the corner. That's all he did when he visited me, lurked in the corner and glared down his nose. I didn't care. I thought it was a sexy nose.

"No, don't do that," I whined. Snape was sexy, but he was mean. So mean. "I love Hogwarts. You said Dumbledore would let me come back if I passed my DADA exam." I didn't know why I loved it, but before they'd Flooed me to St. Mungo's it had felt right to be there. I somehow remembered the talking portraits and the magic deep within each stone. It was a selective memory charm, the Healers decided. That was how I remembered all my Potion's lessons, and everything for my DADA exam. I hadn't even studied.

"Very good, Miss Granger," the woman said. She slid her reading glasses off. "You scored an E."

I threw my hands up in celebration. Not an O, but it was still passing. "An E? That's great. I can go to Hogwarts now, right?" I asked the Healer.

"We need to make arrangements with Headmaster Dumbledore to ensure that you'll be looked after," the Healer said, but he was writing something down on his chart. That was good, right? They'd have to let me out.

"The real Miss Granger would never be satisfied with an E," Snape said. I stuck my tongue out at him.

"I am the real Miss Granger, you prat. It's not my fault I can't remember every detail of my entire life."

Snape scowled. "It is your fault, Miss Granger. You fired the curse that ultimately hit you."

"Yeah, but it was Justin's experimental shield." He'd come and visited me at St. Mungo's to apologize. He had been afraid that a normal Protego wouldn't protect him, so he'd thrown up Protego Mutationem. He thought that the curse would still hit him but be less effective. Snape had sneered at him and threatened to revoke his A in DADA, but Dumbledore hadn't allowed it. I didn't really blame Justin. I shouldn't have been cursing him with a memory charm in the first place. I was sure I'd get better eventually.

"You still have to pass your Defense Against the Dark Arts practical," Snape replied. He came away from the wall to stand up straight. "If that's all for the day..."

"That's all, Professor Snape," the Healer said. "Thank you for your time."

Snape turned and stalked out of the room. The instructor followed, after wishing me good luck.

"I can't believe you want to work with him," the Healer said once they were both gone. He shook his head. "I had Snape in Potions my Sixth and Seventh Year. He was terrible. Almost stopped me from being a Healer."

"If you keep me here with Lockhart, Merlin himself won't save you," I said. He didn't look too concerned, since I wasn't allowed my wand. St. Mungo's confiscated it for my own safety. Like I'd blow myself up while shaving my armpits or something. Idiots.

"Don't worry, Miss Granger. You're a war hero. As much as it boosts my career to work with you, I wouldn't want to get on your bad side." He winked at me and left. Eh. He was only lukewarm. My eyes were set on Snape. I didn't know why, but I seemed to be a one-man woman. Maybe once I had him in my claws I'd get bored, but as soon as I was on my feet again that man was mine.

"'Mione?" said a voice from the doorway. A redhead popped into the room.

"Ron!" I exclaimed. I got out of bed to hug him, mindful of my scarce hospital robes. "I thought you and Harry had training?"

"I broke a wrist. Just got it healed," he said, holding up the arm. He shrugged. "They had me take the rest of the day off. I figured that I'd visit while I was in the area."

"Can we play Wizarding chess?" I asked. Harry insisted that I hated Wizarding chess, but I don't know why I would have. It was a little violent, sure, and I was piss at it, but it was fun! My pieces all started to like me, even though I sent them to their death each game.

"If you want," Ron said with a smile. We sat down at my tiny table and he set up the pieces. He'd bought me my own pieces when we'd started playing regularly, so I got them out of my little bedside drawer. They were hot pink Witches chess pieces, all decked out in revealing robes and shining smiles. I thought they were adorable.

"Not again!" one of my pawns yelled.

"We prepare for war!" the knight yelled. I giggled. She was always a little too serious.

"Do you remember anything yet?" Ron asked as he made the first move. I followed quickly. I didn't like to think too much about my moves. Any hesitation and my pieces would start screaming suggestions.

"Nope," I said. I accidentally moved a pawn into the way of Ron's bishop. It got thrown off the board.

"I'm sorry. Maybe tomorrow?"

I shrugged. Maybe, maybe not. I wasn't too concerned. As long as I got out of St. Mungo's, who cared about my memory? I was perfectly content.

"Stop distracting me," I said as the same bishop took out my brave knight. "This time, I'm going to win."

~*HP*~

"Freedom!" I exclaimed as I stepped through the doors. My companion was not as impressed. He glared down his nose at me and started walking away.

"This way, Miss Granger. The headmaster wishes to speak with you before you get settled in."

"Yes, Your Lordship," I said. I didn't know why, but something in my brain said that I should call him that. So I had. He'd been very annoyed. I decided to continue.

"Miss Granger, if you don't stop it I'm going to throw you to the giant squid," Snape snapped. He whirled on me, causing me to bump into his chest. "I am your professor. You must show me respect."

"I don't care if you're a professor. I'm a person too. You've done nothing but sneer and glare at me all summer. If you hate me so much, why did you agree to mentor me?" I asked. It was a valid question. He'd been acting like an arse. That didn't mean I didn't want to seduce him, but I certainly wasn't going to ask him to father my children.

"I agreed to this before you lost your memory," Snape snapped.

"So? I'll be just as good of a student. Do you want to have me retake my Potion N.E.W.T.? I'll do it. You know I did fine on my DADA exam."

"That isn't the problem. The problem is-" he cut himself off. I rolled my eyes.

"See, you don't even know what the problem is. What, did you used to fancy me or something?" I asked. I meant it as a joke—I'd been a student, after all—but all he did was blush. Point for Granger. I pretended like I didn't notice. "Let's just get to Dumbledore."

Without a word, Snape turned and continued on. His legs were so long that I was basically running to keep up with him. Prick. I dropped my wand into my hand and cast a subtle Tripping Jinx. Alright, it wasn't so subtle. He fell on his face.

"Merlin's ball!" he said. He whirled around with his wand out. "Fucking hell, Granger. Is it a duel you want?"

"Maybe," I said. My wand was ready. "It's up to you, Your Lordship." He wouldn't start a duel with me in the halls. Some part of my brain told me he liked the rules too much for that.

"Calvario!"

"Protego!" I yelled in time. He was trying to make me bald. Arsehole! "Flipendo!"

He put up a non-verbal shield and sneered at me. "Do you really think you can duel me and win?" He asked. "Fur germio."

I blocked it easily, as one would expect from a jinx that made fur grow. "Are you going easy on me?" I asked. "Furnunculus!"

He blocked it wordlessly once more. "Of course I am. You've just been released from St. Mungo's." He sneered at me and case the Fur-growing Jinx again.

"What's the fun if you're not really trying?" I asked. "Glacius!" I was trying. For every verbal curse I let lose a nonverbal curse. He stopped all my curses with a nonverbal shield, but he voiced each curse so that I knew what was coming. Bugger that. I'd rather get knocked on my arse.

"I'm waiting for you to grow up and apologize," Snape said. He cast a hair-thickening charm at me. Arsehole. I cast a shampooing charm back at him, but he repelled it.

"I'll teach you to grow up," I said. I cast a sloppy aging charm at him out loud, then silently cast a wide Flipendo. He ignored the second spell, since it missed him, so he didn't see when it ricocheted off of the suit of armor behind him and hit him in the butt. He fell forward onto his knees as I yelled, "Expelliarmus!" His wand came flying into my hand.

"Why, My Lordship, it isn't you who should be bowing," I said. I took a step forward and considered conjuring myself a crown. He'd love that, I was sure.

"You cheated," he said. He looked up at me with shock. "I can't believe you cursed a teacher."

"A pompous arse, more like it," I said. I held out his wand, ready with my wand in case he tried wandless magic. "If you ask nicely for your wand and refer to me as Your Highness, I will return it."

"Your Highness," Snape said. He sprung up and grabbed me around the waist, tackling me to the ground. I had not been prepared for that. He made sure I didn't hit my head on the hard stone, but that didn't help the rest of my body. He quickly had both our wands in his hand. I latched onto the other wrist with my teeth. If he wanted dirty, I'd fight dirty.

"What is the meaning of this?" a voice called out. Snape jumped up guiltily. I saw Dumbledore coming towards us and jumped us as well, though I was a tad dustier than I had been. "Severus, have you lost your mind as well? When the portraits said the two of your were dueling, I thought it was a joke. What do you have to say for yourself? Miss Granger was just released from St. Mungo's this morning!"

"I'm sorry, Albus, we were just-"

"Not hurting anyone," I said, cutting him off. I'd only seen Dumbledore a few times that summer and he never had anything useful to say, in my opinion. It was almost like he didn't want Snape and I to get along. "The students aren't here. We didn't break anything. I wanted to see if I could still duel."

"Clearly, you cannot," Dumbledore said. "Such an exercise was foolish in the extreme, if you had hit your head-"

"Snape's not that careless," I shot back. "Do you treat all of your employees like children? If you were our mother, you'd have bigger tits."

Dumbledore looked at me with astonishment. Snape almost laughed. He handed me back my wand with a small smile. "I think that what Miss Granger means is that she agrees to only practice dueling in controlled conditions. She'll allow me to show her to her quarters and she'll start working in the library bright and early tomorrow because she doesn't want her employer firing her before she even starts."

"Er, yes. Sir," I added. I guessed that talking that way to an employer was pretty bad. But who did he think he was? If we wanted to duel then shag in the middle of the hall... well, it probably wouldn't have led to shagging, but once I got Snape alone...

Dumbledore stared at us for a moment. He narrowed his eyes. "Very well, Severus. As you know, it will be your job to look out for Miss Granger. Miss Granger, Severus has agreed to use Legilimency on you to try to find your hidden memories."

"Um, what?" That wasn't part of the plan. I didn't want anyone in my mind.

"We want to help you, Miss Granger," Dumbledore said. "We've talked with St. Mungo's and have decided that this is what's best for you. It's imperative that you regain your memories before the school year starts." He nodded to Snape. "I trust you know the way to Miss Granger's new quarters. You may show her there." He turned and left us standing here.

"Follow me, Miss Granger. Or can I trust you not to curse me while my back is turned?" he asked.

"You can trust me," I said. He raised his eyebrows. "Seriously, you can trust me. Go ahead, tell me your deepest darkest secret. I won't tell anyone." Snape rolled his eyes. "Alright, you don't have to do that, but will you call me Hermione? I'm not your student anymore." And unless he wanted to do some weird student/teacher role-play, he needed to stop calling me Miss Granger.

"Fine, Hermione. Come along."

"Anything for you, Severus."

~*HP*~

Wow, Madam Pince had to be a serious workaholic. She'd left instructions on how the library was to be run, but there wasn't a single thing to do until the students returned. Snape said that he had work to do until 4 o'clock, so I sat down with a book about Occlumency and started reading. I finished that book quicker than I thought possible, then picked another one off the shelves and started in on that. Four books later, I had a good grasp of how to keep Snape out of my mind. Severus found me seven books later as I read a theoretical book detailing how two people could possibly join their minds and their magic through Legilimency. I thought the idea was rubbish, but it was an interesting read all the same.

"That looks like the old Hermione," Severus said, sneaking up on me. I frowned at him.

"Stop saying stuff like that. There's only one Hermione," I said. I closed the book at looked at the time. "Oh, I missed lunch!" It was nearly 5.

"You can eat after our session," Snape said. "I can't wait around all day for you."

"You act like you waited days," I said. I floated the books back to their shelves.

"I waited long enough," he said. He turned without a word like he expected me to trail after him like a dog. I did, but that wasn't the point. Maybe if I put him on his knees again he wouldn't act so high and mighty.

When we got to his chambers, he removed his outer robes. I smiled. "Undressing already, Severus? You haven't even asked me to dinner."

Snape glared at me. "Remember that I'm about to enter your mind."

"That's what you think," I muttered as he moved two chairs to face each other. I knew that St. Mungo's and Dumbledore wanted him inside my mind, but I didn't. Only I was allowed in there.

"Are you ready? You shouldn't try to repel me. I'm just going to slip inside and see if I can find anything."

"I love when you talk dirty to me, Severus," I said. I added a wink. He turned up his glare.

"Miss Granger, that's very inappropriate," he snapped.

"It's Hermione, remember?" I asked. "I'm only joking."

He glared at me for a little longer. Without warning, he said "Legilimens."

He made it to a memory of the book I'd just read. He started to move away from that, but I slammed my defenses in place and pushed him out of my mind. Take that.

"Hermione, these aren't Occlumency lessons," he snapped. "You're supposed to let me in. I'm trying to help you."

"I don't want you in my head," I said peevishly. It was a stupid idea. Dumbledore was trying to torture me.

Snape sighed. "You need to trust me. I'm not going to go looking for anything but your lost memories."

"Why should I trust you? You don't trust me."

He leaned forward. "Don't I? Perform the spell on me."

"Seriously?" I asked. "You know I've never done this, right? What if I fry your brain?"

Snape snorted. "It seems like you've mastered Occlumency lessons in less than a day. I'm not afraid that you can't get the spell right. Look into my eyes and say Legilimens."

"If you say so," I said. I looked into his eyes. Merlin, they were sexy. All deep black and serious. A little chill went up my spine at the thought of entering his mind. "Legilimens."

The room around me disappeared; instead we were in a different room, one that looked like a Potions lab.

"Unlike when you brewed Polyjuice, keep that abomination you call hair out of the potion and help me bottle this," Severus said. We were brewing Wolfsbane.

"Enough!" I exclaimed.

"Excuse me?" he asked. He acted affronted, though he was secretly quite amused with himself.

"Enough, sir."

"Then stop offering your damnable sweets," he said.

"But maybe if you took one you'd have a sweeter disposition."

Snape snorted and considered making another comment about my hair. He decided against it. He'd grown quite fond of that ball of curls."Not likely."

He pushed me out of his mind gently, not like I'd thrown him out.

"That was weird," I said. It was like watching a movie with an actress who looked just like me. I didn't remember it at all.

"It doesn't jog anything?" he asked.

"You like my hair," I said. I smiled. Point to Granger. He was going to make this too easy.

"Legilimens." His entrance wasn't so gentle this time. I stopped myself from blocking him, but I panicked and concentrated on sending him off the current course he was taking.

"Hermione," he said, smiling down at me. He was shirtless and wearing only green silk boxers. They had a large silver snake on the front. "Welcome to your first lesson."

"I'm glad to be here, Severus," I said. We were in a Potion's lab, only there was a giant four-poster bed in the middle of the room.

"Shall we get started?" he asked. I realized that I was wearing only a bright red bra with a golden thong.

"Of course, Severus." I knelt down in front of him. "I've always wanted to be a snake-charmer."

"Hermione," Severus spat once he was out of my mind. "What was that?"

"Um, my deepest desire?" I tried. I made it up on the fly. It wasn't my best work, but I figured that if the apprenticeship didn't work out I could always write witch's romance novels.

"Hermione, this isn't a game," he snapped. "That's the same as Occulmency."

"I didn't try to..." I lied.

"I told you, I'm trying to help."

I kind of liked when he was angry. All sorts of kinky things came to mind, the kind of things that went beyond the tips in Witch Weekly. I was thinking of that when he silently slipped into my mind.

I was tied down to the bed with a gag in my mouth. "Hermione, you're finally at my mercy." We were both naked, and his penis was comically large. "I'll make this a night you won't forget."

"Miss Granger!" Snape yelled. He jumped up and stalked away, like my kink was catching. I threw my arms in the air.

"No, that one actually wasn't on purpose. That was your own fault."

"You're saying you just happened to be fantasizing about me having a thirteen inch..."

"Wand?" I supplied. A blush rose to his cheeks. I made him blush! Merlin, what if he was a virgin? What if I was a virgin? I realized that I had no idea. "Is thirteen inches not accurate?"

"Miss Granger, we are done here." He yanked open the door and waved his hand. "Maybe once you're done being juvenile, we can try again tomorrow."

I went to the door. "What if I'm not being juvenile, and you're really just sex on legs?" He slammed the door in my face. "Well you are!" I yelled, though I didn't know if he could hear me. What a frustrating man.

A/N: If you didn't notice, this will be a story about Snape and Hermione getting together. It won't be as hilarious as the previous story. If you don't like Snape/Hermione pairings, stick with How to Annoy Severus Snape.

Longer A/N: Alright, don't yell that Hermione is way too OoC. How I see it is that before the curse, she was bored, confident, smart, and stood up for herself. That's exactly what she is without her memories, but she doesn't have years of memories as Snape being a teacher or being a shy nerdy girl to stop her from pursuing a man she finds attractive. Don't worry, she won't have lost memories for the entire story.

I'm writing this because I'm bored. I'm just between projects right now, but school is starting soon and I have a book coming out on Sept. 1st. Don't expect super frequent updates.

But anyways, tell me what you think in a review!