"Gangsta" Artemis and the Kidnapping of A Fairy.
Okay, this is just a funny parody I wrote, after reading one a Harry Potter fic, and the characters were all using slang and acting "hood" and it got me thinking…
Artemis sat in his office, typing away on his laptop, wearing low slung jeans and a shirt, all that were about three sizes too big. His cap was on backwards and he was wearing Jordans. He had a belt that said "Gangsta" in bright gold letters, studded with diamonds.
Artemis was the biggest and baddest gangsta in all of Ireland. He robbed record companies of money and kept the money for himself trying to restore the family fortune. Ever since his father was presumed dead in a drive by shooting in Russia, he'd been trying to find him, and keep the Fowl family rich.
His mother had gone crazy at first. She'd stopped clubbing and now holed herself up in the attic, separate from the rest of the world, sometimes crying and depressed, other times, happy and thinking her husband was about to come home any second.
Butler came in, a massive body guard of seven feet. Artemis didn't know they made clothes that big, but Butler was wearing a Polo shirt and jeans, all several sizes too big of course, despite his already massive frame.
"Yo, what up, dawg," said Artemis.
"Got yo tea," said Butler, setting down the tray. Artemis nodded thanks and turned his music off. T-pain cut off in the middle of rap lyrics and silence settled on the room for a minute.
"I've translated the fairy book," said Artemis, kicking back. He adjusted his belt, the diamonds twinkling. "Be ready."
"Got it," said Butler.
Butler left and Artemis smiled to himself, thinking of all the gold he would have. He might even treat himself and Butler, have some gold bars melted down into some gold chains or something.
"This shit cray," he said.
Haven
Holly was baddest LEP officer in the force. She kicked butt and took names. Criminals trembled in her presence.
She was walking into the LEP building, suited up in her usual suit with the zipper, revealing impressive amounts of cleavage. Her red hair was about chin length and she wore makeup. Her pointy high heeled boots clacked on the floor as she strutted by, helmet under her arm.
"SHORT! GET IN HERE!" roared a voice.
Holly rolled her eyes. Root.
Root was puffing a cigar behind his desk. Holly sat down and pulled out a Black and Mild and lit it. Normally she preferred menthols, but she liked a good cigarillo now and then.
"Sup, dawg?" she inquired.
Root glowered at Holly's unorthodox speech, but let it slide. Apparently there was a troll on the surface, in Italy. Holly was required to go observe it, and Retrieval would be up in a bit to get it.
"Sho ting," said Holly, getting up.
She left in a shuttle, singing to herself a bit to make the ride go faster. If only she had her IPlayer, so she could listen to P. Diddy, Tupac, and Biggee Smallz. Foaly talked to her in the helmet.
Foaly thought Holly was the coolest thing in the world, and the cleavage helped.
"This shit cray," he said, speaking in slang.
"Stop speaking slang," said Holly. "It don't sound right comin' from yo mouth. You too nerdy."
Foaly pouted. "I can be cool."
"Naw, man, you too nerdy," said Holly. Foaly had also taken to dressing "cool" which wasn't cool on a centaur, considering their body proportions. The baggy shirts didn't fit right, and the idea of wearing the pants low slung, showing the boxers, just didn't work, especially since they had tails. Foaly just looked like a blind person had dressed him. The backwards foil hat (in case humans tried to probe his brain) looked stupid too, especially when he started rambling about nano particles and quantum physics.
Holly landed the shuttle in a docking station and activated her crappy gas powered wings and flew across the fields.
A troll was stomping his way to a wall. He smashed his way through with a club.
"I can see 'em," said Holly. "He headin' toward a building. Yo! There people in that there building!"
"Don't do anything!" ordered Root.
The troll was clubbing through the side of a restaurant.
A child screamed for help.
"Hell no!" shouted Holly. "There be a kid crying for help yo! I goin' in!"
"NO!" shouted Root. "Retrieval is almost there and-"
Holly cut him off.
"Time to kick some troll booty," said Holly, pulling out two Neutrinos.
She went into the building blasting, guns held sideways, red hair flickering in the wind, cleavage glinting in the light of the candles in the building.
The troll roared as he was hit by the Neutrino blasts and he swiped angrily, knocking the guns away.
Holly landed easily on her high heeled boots, because of course the sexy heroine never trips and lands on her face while wearing shoes that are totally unsuited to the work she is doing.
The troll aimed his club at her.
He can't see me, I be shielded. I'm low on magic, but dat okay.
The troll smashed the club toward her, and Holly darted to the side. She realized she wasn't shielded.
"Oh, shhhhiiieeeeet!" she yelled.
The patrons of the restaurant just stared in horror. The troll grabbed Holly.
"Hell no!" she yelled. "Da baddest chick in LEP ain't goin down at the hands of some stinky troll!"
She turned her helmet lights on, burning the retinas of the troll, who dropped her, roared, and fell over backward.
Holly, of course, landed easily in her boots, not even an ankle twisted. The patrons stared at her and the wall of the building, which was in rumble.
"Dat be awright," said Holly. "This shizzy be fixed, don't ya worry."
The patrons nodded a bit.
"Hey, look at dis shit!" said Holly setting out an orb. Holly turned away as the people leaned in.
FLASH! BANG!
They'd wake up later, heads pounding, eyes crossed.
Holly sank into a chair, her last thought being of how she needed a smoke right now.
She awoke to Root slapping her in the face.
"WAKE UP!"
Holly was pissed. "Why you slappin' me, dawg? I ain't one of yo hoes."
"Gotta keep my pimp hand strong," said Root, trying out her speech.
Holly just glared. "Naw. Don't even try it. You too old."
Root looked pissed, but that was nothing new.
"I told you to wait!"
"This child be cryin' for help!" retorted Holly. "I couldn't wait for them Retrieval dawgs, they be too slow!"
A toddler waddled from the bathroom. He was hugely fat, like of those tots you see on the Maury show, whose parents feed them bon bon's all day and then wonder why the kid is so obese. The children, when presented with a salad, often scream in terror and faint. Holly loved those shows.
"SHIELD!" yelled Root. All the other fairies, sent into to fix the damage, shielded, except for Holly.
The toddler pointed a chubby finger at Holly, mumbled something in Italian and went to curl up on his mother's lap (after grabbing a handful of spaghetti from a plate and cramming it in his mouth), where he fell asleep, probably dreaming of chocolate cake.
"Holly, you didn't shield!" snarled Root. "Why?"
"I be outta magic," mumbled Holly. "Ain't done the Ritual in a while."
"GO DO IT NOW!" roared Root. "And meet me in my office!"
Holly sighed and flew off, heading to Ireland, where there would be a nice quiet place. She could go to Tara, but a bunch of hippie fairies would be dancing around, talking about world peace, smoking pot, and just being idiots. Holly could use a good toke right now, but it would ruin her high if some hippy got in her face and started babbling about recycling and living the free life.
"Ain't no one got time for dat!" she mumbled to herself.
Holly flew over the ocean, skimming across lightly. Some dolphins popped up, wearing backward caps of seaweed and big chains of seashells.
"Sup, Holly!" shouted one.
"Man, dat be my girl!" shouted another. "Whatcha been doin'?"
"Hey hey hey!" shouted another, portly female. "IT'S FAT ALBERTA!"
Holly had the ability to speak any language, since she was a fairy.
"Hey, my homies!" she shouted. "Sup?"
"Not much," answered the first one. "Just hangin' in da hood, wit' my homies." He nodded to his "homies" who flapped there fins and squeaked excitedly.
"Just kicked some trolls ass," said Holly. "He was all like "roooaarr!" and I was like, "Shut yo face!"
The dolphins squeaked excitedly.
"We made you a gift," said Fat Alberta. "For takin' care of dat shark dat been getting up our faces, saying how he gonna get some humans and have a drive by spearing and stick us in a can of tuna." She flung a shell necklace up. Holly grabbed it. It was made of tiny pink shells with shiny clam shell in the center. It had been carved to say, "BIG H"
"Thanks!" said Holly. "I wear dis foreva!"
"See ya homie!" The dolphins retreated into the water, heading for the Octopussy strip club hidden under a big rock, where they could watch Lil Sucky, the most limber octopus in the sea dance on a pole. For a small fee, you could have a lap dance from a squid and get ink squirted in your face.
Holly flew across Ireland and landed at a good spot. No dumb hippies waltzing about. She removed her helmet and a lit a menthol.
Artemis and Butler were in a cam tent, watching.
"Dat be it," muttered Artemis, pointing. He hitched his pants up and then pulled them back down, so his black silk boxers were showing.
"Word," muttered Butler.
They crept up toward the fairy. Holly had finished her cigarette and stubbed it out. She got an acorn and was about to bury it, bending down, when something whizzed over head.
She got in a fighting crouch position. A huge Mud Man was standing there, with a shorter one.
"Wannabe gangsta's," murmured Holly. "Stand back, human, ya don't know what you be dealing with!"
"I gonna kidnap yo hoe ass!" shouted the smaller one.
"Oh no you didn't!" shouted Holly, getting up and boldly stepping forward. She shook a finger in the surprised Mud Boy's face. "You did not just talk to me like that? I know I ain't hearing dat shit! You gonna get yo ass kicked. Hmmhmm!"
She put her hands on her hips.
"Stick a dart in dis hoes ass," shouted Artemis. Butler lifted the tranquilizer gun, holding it sideways. Holly smacked it away and dove for the big man's head and proceeded to lay the smack down on this human.
Butler yelled and screamed as this tiny fairy proceeded to give him the whupping of his life.
"Ain't nobody lay a whuppin on me like this 'cept my gramaw!" shrieked Butler, thinking of when he been disrespectful as a kid and gramma would smack some sense into him.
Artemis squealed like a girl and jumped back. In a minute, Butler lay on the ground, having just had his ass handed to him on a platter, and by a sexy bitch, no less.
"Dat beyotch just whupped my ass!" said Butler, twisted into a pretzel.
"Now you gonna get a whuppin!" shouted Holly. "Like yo mama shoulda done to you years ago!"
Artemis squeaked in terror and ran. But Holly grabbed him.
In a few seconds, Artemis lay on the ground, moaning, his gangsta belt buckle shoved up his ass.
"You ain't got nothing!" shouted Artemis, still trying to be tough. "I put a hoe like you in her place! Smack da shit from you and keep my pimp hand strong, yo! I be the baddest gangsta in Ireland!"
The tranquilizer gun followed the unfortunate path of the belt buckle.
Artemis lay in the fetal position, unable to spout anymore empty boasts.
Holly stood there, survey her work. "You may be up here, but I'm the baddest chick in all the fairy world and ain't nobody gonna tranquilize my ass and drag me off!"
The communication volume was on mute, so Holly couldn't hear Foaly, who was watching this through the helmet cam, began singing, "My chick bad! My chick hood! My chick do shit ya chick wish she could!"
He kept singing. Holly did her Ritual and then put her helmet on and turned the volume up, just as Foaly sang another lyric "-and the whole LEP wanna bone her!"
"I gonna whup that donkey ass when I get back down there!" shouted Holly.
Foaly, in his ops booth, went into hysterics and began the lockdown procedure.
The End!