Gah, why can't I just concentrate on one idea? Seriously, this is the third time I'm re-writing this. Thankfully though, I didn't get too far with the second one. But the first version is such a waste... oh well. I guess I'll stop whining and get a start on this one.

Warning: Attempted Suicide

Disclaimer: I don't own Dragon Age II or anything else associated with it. I do, however, this version of Hawke. Who tends to stray to the feminine side. Also, I recommend listening to Cry by Mandy Moore. It's what inspired me to write this.

It was then that I realized

That forever was in your eyes

The moment I saw you cry

~ Mandy Moore

Cry

Fenris did not cry.

He got angry, that was a given. With his tormented past, with his life as a slave under the cruel Tevinter Magister Danarius, who could really blame him? And when he was upset he often stormed off, sulked, and, as Varric put it, brood.

But no one had ever seen him cry.

Not until Arielle Hawke woke up and saw the elf hunched over the side of her bed where a chair had been pulled up for him to sit on, tears pouring down his face and spilling on to her sheets, sobs wracking his body as he cried genuine tears for the first time in many years that the Fereldan born mage had known him.

For a moment, Arielle thought that she was dreaming. After all, this was Fenris. The elf who acted on his temper, not thoroughly thinking his actions through and what consequences they could bring down on him and others. She was used to him reaching into other people's chests and crushing their hearts, drinking himself into a stupor with all the fine wine that was underneath Danarius' mansion, or getting into heated arguments with Anders over their different yet also very similar views.

But cry?

That was... new.

Arielle had no qualms that Fenris was capable of crying. All people were, no matter how physically or mentally strong they were. But she had marked him as the type to cry within the privacy of his mansion, where there would be no one to bare witness to his tears, or to channel his breakdowns into rage that usually resulted in people ending up dead.

So being witness to his tears came as being very, very unexpected.

With his head bent down and his white hair covering his eyes, Fenris was unaware that she was awake and watching him. Arielle observed the elf for several minutes, half curious and half apprehensive of disturbing what she saw as a release of pent up emotions. But it was painful to watch. After a thirty second debate with herself she decided to interrupt privacy be damned.

"Fenris...?"

At the sound of her voice tentatively calling his name, the former Tevinter's crying had ceased. Arielle used the pause to push herself up into a sitting position so that she could get a better look at him, rubbing her throat. Funny, for some reason just saying his name had hurt.

Slowly, Fenris slowly raised his head until he was staring at her with forest green eyes. His eyes were puffy and red and though Arielle wasn't sure, she was certain that he was looking thinner than when she last saw him.

Actually, if she were to be truthful, he looked like a mess. His snow white hair was messier than usual and it looked as if he hadn't gotten any proper sleep, or hadn't been taking care of himself in general. She noted that he wasn't wearing his armour or gauntlets; only the tunic and pants he wore underneath. Odd, considering that he never took off his armour, even in the mansion he had taken as his own.

"Um, are you okay?"

The elf's expression was blank and unreadable as he continued staring at her. Arielle stared back, a little unnerved by his silence. Wasn't this usually the part where he would say something sarcastic or something of the like?

"Erm..."

His expression after that one word had Arielle immediately scrambling out of her bed to put some distance between them in alarm. Fenris' face had changed from blank disbelief to more angry than she had ever seen him in a record of several seconds. The elf had gotten better at controlling his outbursts, but everyone in the group knew to back away fast whenever his temper got the best of him.

Arielle, Anders, and Merill were usually the targets of his anger due to their status' as mages and his blatant hatred of them and all things magic.

So her instincts of getting away from the angry elf kicked in. She raced to the door nearly stumbling in the dress she was wearing (wait... why was she wearing a dress) and had managed to pull it open in her blind panic. She was about to race out into the hall, when an arm wrapped around her waist and yanked her back into the room. Another arm reached past her and closed the door shut with a loud slam.

Before Arielle's mind could process that her attempt at escape had been foiled, she was whirled around and pinned to the wall where she found herself facing an absolutely livid Fenris, green eyes filled with rage.

"You...!" He snarled and the auburn haired girl squirmed, her hands on his chest as she tried to push him away. Fenris caught her by the wrists, pinning her hands none too gently against the wall next to her shoulders. "This has to be the stupidest, most selfish thing you have ever done, Hawke!"

What?

"What were you thinking?" Fenris' had lowered his voice, but Arielle could hear the barely restrained anger simmering underneath his words. "Did you honestly think that killing yourself would be for the best for everyone involved? Did you not think that your death by your own hands would be something that would do more harm than good? That we would be happy about this martyr act of yours?"

Arielle's mind froze to a grinding halt at his words.

Kill herself...

Yes, she had tried to kill herself.

Tried to end it all.

Blue eyes stared blankly at green as the memories started to come back to her.

After her mother died, Arielle had holed herself up in her room with the wish to be left alone. She knew that her friends meant well by coming to visit her, but she didn't want to face them. Couldn't bring herself to face them. Not without breaking down into tears, not without them seeing her at her most vulnerable.

Not when they were so used to her being strong not only for herself, but for them, and her family.

It didn't really matter any more, though, in regards to her family. Her father, her siblings, and her mother were all dead now. Completely gone. She was the only Hawke left. And the only other family she had, Gamlen, had made it clear that he wanted nothing to do with her because she was a mage. As if it was her fault another mage had targeted her mother, his sister, for her strong resemblance to the woman he was trying to recreate.

That was when the voices came.

The voices from the Fade that mercilessly haunted her when she started thinking that maybe the world would have been a better place had she not existed. That maybe everyone would still be alive if it weren't for her bad luck to bring it all crashing down

The voices had started so gradually that Arielle didn't realize it until about three weeks ago.

She tried to ignore them, had stepped out of her room for the first time in days to help Orana with the housework so that she could focus on something else other than the voices. But the more she tried to ignore them, the harder they persisted.

First she heard her family calling out to her.

Her father saying how disappointed he was in her for failing to upkeep the promise of protecting her siblings and mother in his place, Bethany's shrill cries of pain that also begged Arielle to save her from the ogre, Carver's angry declarations of how he didn't want to hide in her shadow any longer and her mother... her mother sadly asking why she had failed to come to her in time. Why she had failed to see the signs of Leandra being the murderer's next target and failed to act on it.

Then she heard the demons next. She knew that the other voices she didn't recognize belonged to the demons as she doubted that benevolent spirits of the Fade would purposely bother her. Demons trying to tempt her, trying to get her to be their next host.

Her father had warned her that they would do everything in their power to tempt her, to actually allow them to take control of her body willingly. He said that no matter how good their offers sounded, she was not to rise to the bait otherwise it would be all over.

Arielle naively thought that she wouldn't fall prey to them, that she could resist the demons where so many other mages failed. But now... with all of her family dead, their voices constantly sounding in her head, hearing the demons telling her over and over again that they could make everything better if she accepted them, she wasn't so sure any more.

It was so tempting... so tempting to just give in and let go.

She didn't trust herself. Couldn't bring herself to when she had so completely and utterly failed in protecting those she held dear. It would have only been a matter of time... until she turned.

That was when Arielle decided that it would be best to end things before it could get any worse.

Her friends would disagree with her decision, but what choice did she have? At this point, she could only see two things happening: going insane and becoming someone as (Maker forbid) twisted as the blood mage who murdered her mother or losing herself to a demon and becoming an Abomination, killing everything she came across until either her friends or the Templars stopped her.

And Arielle would have preferred to be dead than either of those two options.

Before going ahead with her plan, Arielle wrote letters to her friends, the servants, and anyone else she could think of. Letters that she made as detailed as possible telling everyone what she liked about them, what she admired, and what she thought they needed to work on. After finishing the letters and sealing them in individual envelopes, she proceeded to write one final letter to everyone: the one saying good bye and explaining why she had ended her own life, and that her death wouldn't be their fault.

People had the strange idea of blaming themselves whenever a loved one or a friend killed themselves. Even if said loved one was the one who made the decision in the end.

Finally she took the flask that contained the powerful sleeping potion that Anders gave her to help with her insomnia. Each night she had pretended to drink the carefully measured amount she was given so that she could sleep. But really, she was dumping the small, non-lethal amounts into her flask and waiting for the container to fill up into a much more deadly concoction. If given more sleeping potion than what was safe to drink, the overdose usually resulted in death.

There were quicker ways to die, but her friends had been smart early on and had removed any blades or possible poisons from her room before she could get any ideas.

Though the idea of killing herself didn't occur at the time. She had been too... stunned over the fact that the Maker had seen it fit to take her mother as well. Not only satisfied with her father, her sister, and her brother, the creator of both Thedas and the Fade had decided that he wanted her last remaining family too.

There was nothing for her left. Only her friends. The servants who lived with her in the mansion. And knowing her luck, she would have only brought them pain and misery.

And eventual death.

She always screwed up everything good in her life. By joining her family wherever they were, she wouldn't be able to spread the curse that came with being associated with her.

Her friends would be sad. But they would get over it. Life didn't necessarily stop with one person dying, despite the fact that it did feel like that.

One person's death didn't mean the end of the world.

The pain resulting from Fenris tightening his grip on her wrists brought her back to reality as she realized that she was still alive.

"I... I'm not dead?"

"No." Fenris breathed. "But you came close to it. What were you thinking?"

There was still anger in his eyes, but she could also see other emotions in them.

Hurt.

And pain.

And to her surprise and disbelief, there were tears streaming down his cheeks.

Removing her wrists from his grip, she reached out to his face and gently brushed away his tears. She gave him a small smile, albeit a sad one that pulled on Fenris' already high strung heart strings. It was the first smile she had given anyone ever since her mother died.

"This is the first time I've ever seen you cry. And... for me of all people. Someone who doesn't deserve anyone's tears after failing to protect those close to me."

"And what is that supposed to mean?" Fenris growled. "Do you truly believe that you're a curse? That your existence brings nothing but misery and pain? That you are better off dead?"

Fenris' voice cracked at the last part and more tears poured down his face as he continued to scream at her.

"Do you have any idea what the past few days have been like?! Wondering if you would ever open your eyes, wondering if you would live? Wondering if you would ever smile again? Talk? Do you honestly think that we would have been able to 'continue on' if you died? If we lost you to death like we lost your brother and mother?! How in all of Thedas did you think that we would be able to live with ourselves, forgive ourselves, for allowing you to delude yourself into thinking that this world would have been better off without you?!"

If she hadn't already been pinned to the wall, Arielle would have backed away from the elf. This was the first time that Fenris had emoted anything other than anger. She'd seen brief glimpses of amusement and had been witness to him smiling twice, but out right crying with tears and everything?

Was she really worth crying over her?

Before she could say anything, Fenris' arms wrapped around her body as he pulled her closer to him. He buried his face into her hair as he continued to sob.

"Thank the maker that you're alive. I... I thought that you would never wake up. I don't know what I would have done-" He cut himself, tightening his embrace around her. He took a deep breath, one that made his whole body shudder as he spoke again in a broken tone and his tears fell on her. "Why didn't you say anything? We're your friends; we could have helped you. We need you Hawke. I need you."

Arielle pulled back slightly to stare at him incredulously. Who was this person and what did he do with the real Fenris?

The Fenris she knew would have stabbed himself with his own sword rather than ever admit that the group he often drank and laughed with at the Hanged Man were his friends. He thought of himself as a lone wolf, somewhat ironic considering what his name meant.

"Are you serious?" She asked, her tone of voice matching how she was feeling. Last she checked, Fenris had been angry about her because she decided to let a few mages go. Mages that she believed deserved a second chance, despite his protests and the headache that would likely ensue after arguing with him over it. "Did... did you just say you needed me?"

Instead of answering, Fenris pressed his lips against hers.

Once Arielle's mind caught up to what had just happened, she realized that yes, Fenris was kissing her. As in his lips were covering hers.

When he finally pulled back, he cupped her chin and tilted her head upwards.

"Yes, I am." He murmured as Arielle still tried to get over the fact that he had kissed her. "We would have done everything in our power to help you. I would not have let you suffer by yourself, let you punish yourself over crimes that were not your fault. We wouldn't have let your thoughts stray to such dark ideals until you were so completely boxed in that you felt you had no choice but to take your life."

Known fact: Arielle tended to be slow on the uptake on matters of the heart, but she knew for several years now that she was in love with Fenris. The former Tevinter slave who had witnessed the dark side of magic and as a result, hated all magic and anything associated with it.

Like her.

She accepted that he would never love her back and that her feelings for him were life's idea of a cruel joke. Arielle had never been in love before, had never been interested in getting in bed with another man (or woman) and enjoying a good romp as many other girls back in Lothering had bragged to her and the others about.

So it would have just been her luck to fall in love with someone who actively hated mages.

Arielle's eyes slightly widened as she realized that maybe she tried to kill herself not just because she feared losing herself to insanity, that it didn't really matter if she was dead or alive, but because she was also tired.

Tired of feeling nothing but pain, tired of being the only living Hawke, and tired... tired of unrequited love.

Tired of loving someone who would never be able to love her back.

Tired of every cruel thing life had to throw at her.

Just.

Plain.

Tired.

With guilt, Arielle had realized just how selfish she had been. She had somehow thought that everyone would have been better off without her. She had acknowledged that they would be upset over her death... but didn't realize the full extent how much that 'upset' would go.

It, she realized with horror, would have destroyed them beyond repair.

And she could have never forgiven herself for that.

So self-absorbed with the fact that her mother had died, she didn't realize that Leandra's death had devastated her friends just as much as it did her. Leandra Amell-Hawke may have been the one who carried Arielle in her belly for months as well as bore her, but she had also been considered a motherly figure towards the rest of her group as well.

But because Arielle was too busy wallowing in her own grief and pain, she had not seen what had been in front of her the entire time when she should have.

Her friends had tried to see her, tried to share her pain, comfort her in the aftermath of a horrific event that should have never happened to anyone. But Arielle had pushed them away, wanting nothing to do with the outside world, wanting to drown in her own thoughts and grief and sink into oblivion.

Arielle knew that if any of her friends had tried to do what she did, she would have been... she wasn't quite sure. Just that she would not have taken it too well. She would have been broken up over it, wondering if she should have seen the signs and whether there had been anything she could have done to prevent their death.

As Fenris had been telling her earlier how could have she been so self-centered and stupid?

The mage hadn't realized she was crying until Fenris' fingers gently wiped away the tears spilling from her eyes.

"Shh," He murmured, "I... apologize for yelling at you. I was just relieved that you woke up after... sleeping for so long."

"Stupid, why are you apologizing?" Arielle sniffed, leaning against his chest. "You're right. I wasn't thinking at all. I... I just wanted the voices and pain to go away. For their deaths to stop playing over and over in my dreams. I just... wanted it all to end. I didn't want to deal with it any more."

She buried her face into his tunic.

"I... I..." And much to her frustration, the tears continued spilling from her eyes. "How... could I be so stupid? Idiotic?"

What would her father say about this? Her family?

They would have been ashamed, would have been disappointed in her. None of them died just so that she could take her own life in the end. They would have wanted her to live on for them, continue where they couldn't.

"My father... my siblings... mother... they wouldn't have wanted this. They... I... I promised my father that I would protect Bethany, Carver and mother in his place. And... and... they're dead. Everyone is dead! I failed them... I..."

She tried to say something else, to apologize for her babyish and undignified behaviour, but the elf placed a finger on her lips to prevent her from saying any more.

"Do not try to speak about it. Just let it all out. No one would blame you for crying after all you have suffered." He murmured, one hand tangling into her hair while the other held her to him.

Arielle flushed bright red, aware of how pathetic she seemed. But at that moment she didn't care. Fenris had out right said that it was okay for her to cry and the next thing she knew, that was exactly what she was doing. She openly wept over the fact that she would never see her mother again. That she would never share a bed with Bethany, staying up late and giggling over a book. That Carver was no longer around to argue with. That her father would never be able to teach her another spell.

She cried over the fact that she would have to face the uncertain future by her-

...no.

She would have to face the future, but it wouldn't be by herself. She had her friends by her side. Friends who accepted her for who she was, what she was, and who supported her no matter what. Her family was no longer among the living, but the people she had met in Kirkwall were still with her.

The entire time she blubbered, Fenris had held her close. Rubbing her back in a soothing manner as if she was a babe who needed to be put to sleep. He didn't say anything; just hugged her in silence.

Her sobs eventually died down until Arielle was only sniffling and blushing bright red.

"Um... thanks." The mage could feel her face burning at the fact that she had gotten Fenris' clothing wet. "I... sorry about the shirt."

"No matter," Fenris sighed. "I can always buy a new one."

Arielle would have argued that since it was she who ruined the shirt, she should have been the one to buy him the replacement. But the sharp look he threw her had her closing her mouth before she could even say so.

"So what are you doing here anyways?" She asked, attempting to change the subject in the face of her breakdown. When she realized that the subject would be nigh impossible to avert, she settled for burying her face into his chest once again so that he wouldn't see her turning red.

"Varric came by several days ago more pale and shaken up than I have ever seen with a letter in hand, telling me that you had tried to kill yourself by overdosing yourself on Anders' sleeping potions. He also told me that you were in a coma, mere inches from death. What do you think?" The elf said wryly.

"Waiting for me to wake up so you can scream at me?" Arielle couldn't help saying.

"That's one way of putting it. But also," He chuckled, not that it was really something to laugh at, "because I wanted to tell you something that I have been keeping to myself for a long time. I thought it would be best left unsaid, until..."

Fenris trailed off. He didn't need to say why he had decided to change his mind.

"And what would that be?"

The elf pulled back slightly and rested his forehead against Arielle's. "That you are the most infuriating woman I have ever met."

Arielle gaped at him. Then she tried to pull away from him, angry tears filling his words. But Fenris' kept her in place as he continued to speak.

"...and that I love you."

She didn't have the chance to switch from indignation to gaping in disbelief this time as Fenris moved in to place a second kiss on her lips. When he pulled back from the kiss to look into her eyes, she saw that his eyes were glittering with tears.

Arielle smiled as she realized that Fenris had just admitted that he reciprocated her feelings. It was a genuine smile in the weeks that following the aftermath of that horrific day.

"And I you." She said, moving in to kiss him this time.

Arielle had no idea what the future had in store for her. Probably more heart-wrenching emotional pain and tragedy. But she knew that she wasn't alone. That she would have her friends and Fenris by her side to help her get through it all.

And that was enough to give her strength to continue on.

And finally I'm done! And no, they did not get into bed after wards. As I pointed out, this version of Hawke is a bit shy and clueless when it comes to love, so no, she has no past lovers.

A bit dark in regards to the fact that our heroine attempts to kill herself, but who wouldn't in her place? Seriously. Thankfully for everyone, she utterly failed in that. Also, just think of the sleeping potion overdose as Thedas' version of taking sleeping pills.

Not sure if Fenris is in character... but I think he would be pretty upset over Hawke (particularly if he likes her) attempting to off herself. Especially when everyone is still reeling from Leandra's untimely death at Quentin's hands. So I imagine him crying, but not being a total sap about it. Which I hopefully portrayed right in this fic... hopefully.

Anyways, don't forget to review! I want to know what you think!