Relena's Secret [AKA Pikka]
A collaboration by Tama and Friezaess- just your average freaky fangirls. Sorta.
Authoress' Notes:
Tama: P1KK4 P1KK4 P1KK4 P1KK4!!
Friezaess: Umm *major sweatdrop* *pokes Tama*
Tama: P1KK4 P1KK4 P1KK4 P1KK4 P1KK4 P1KK4 P1KK4 P1KK4 P1KK4 P1KK4 P1KK4!! KYAHAHAHAHHA!
Friezaess: Okay, she tells me it's from an Eminen song. The P1KK4, that is. O.o
Tama: P1KK4!
Friezaess: *turns Good Luck and Goodbye up full blast* Now, ON WITH THE FIC! ^_^
Disclaimer: We own Gundam Wing... *break down laughing*
_~*~_
It was a day like any other- the birds were chirping, the sun was shining, the colonies were... uh... floating in space, and Relena was stalking Heero. Who currently had his hands full (and that's not all) with Duo.
Relena sighed. It was another dead end. She made a tick in her notebook, before taking a moment to read what she had written.
"My goodness! Heero broke the world record of misleading-fake-trails-for-stalkers!" she exclaimed and dropped her book in mock surprise. Not too far away, the boy in question stopped right in the middle of what he was doing, a strange chill running down his spine. 'Relena's nearby.' He thought to himself.
"Heero! Why'd ya stop?!"
He looked down at the angry, naked, braided boy beneath him and sweatdropped. "Uh, sorry!" He said, getting back to 'work'.
Relena stopped a man who was walking by after picking up her book. "Excuse me, have you seen Heero?" she asked. The man's eyes widened in fear.
"AHHH! It's Relena! I've read fan-fics about you! DONT COME ANY CLOSER!!" he screamed, making a scene. Relena wondered how she could possibly come any closer, but didn't mention that.
"I'm not after you... I'm looking for HEERO!" whined Relena.
Heero stopped suddenly and fell off the bed, hearing his fearsome stalker's whiny voice once again screeching his name. Painful, it was, for a sexually aroused man to fall flat on his face on the hard floor.
"Yikes, Heero, are you okay?" Duo asked, concerned.
"Just... peachy..." came the husky reply.
The man stared at Relena shakily.
"Some say you'd screw anything that moves!" he protested. She tapped her foot. "Alright! But you don't need my help at all! After all, you have your HTR!" he said, still afraid.
"HTR?" asked Relena in confusion.
"Heero Tracking Radar... they say it's implanted in your brain..." said the man with obvious fear.
The dishwater blond blinked. "Wow, I must be stupid, not to know that! Silly me!" she replied, turning on the HTR and walking towards the house containing Heero and Duo.
"Heero, get out from under the bed! You're not finished up here!" Duo called to his koi, who had currently assumed the foetal position in aforementioned place.
"No... I'm not coming out! You can't make me!"
"Aw, c'mon, Heero- don't you wanna... *ahem* sow your seed?"
"I can jack off under here just fine, now leave me alone! I think Relena's nearby..."
Once Relena had reached the door to Heero and Duo's place, she knocked so quietly that no one heard. Then, she grinned, pretending to wait, before screaming,
"HEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEROOOOOOOOOOOOO!" like a doorbell from hell. Heero whacked his head against the bed at the shock of hearing that sinister voice at the front door.
"Quick, Duo! Hide me!" He said, frantically running about the room (still naked) and looking for a place to hide.
"You can hide in my sock!" Duo said, holding up one of his smelly, sweaty old socks. The Japanese pilot's face turned the same colour as his tank top and he gave his lover a trademark Deathglare o' Doom.
"HEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEROOOOOOOOOOOOOOO! I KNOW YOU'RE IN HERE, MY HEERO-SENSE IS TINGLING!" Relena screamed, laughing silently to herself. Oh boy, did she get a kick out of this. She proceeded to kick down the door with her high heels and used her radar to lead her to the bedroom.
She entered, grinning. "Heero! I've been looking all over for you! Hi Duo!" she said, ignoring the nakedness completely. Heero, having not had the time to hide from the vile fiend, had latched onto 02's leg. He couldn't even reach for his gun, for it was still in his Spandex! (Which, in a moment of passion, had somehow ended up on the roof.)
"Uh, hi Relena," Duo replied, using aforementioned sock to hide his what-not in. "What are you doing here?"
Relena smiled at the two.
"I'm here to see you." she said. Obviously it was aimed at her stalkee. She continued, Duo and Heero both guessing it was aimed at Heero. "But really, that's not important now, I just want to spend some time with my favourite guys!" Relena gushed happily, smiling that 'I make you sick, don't I' smile at them. Heero's eye twitched.
"Relena... get the hell out of here," he growled, clinging to his koi tighter than before.
"Heero, I think you're breaking my leg!" Came a pained cry. 01, knowing that he could always set it if the need arose, ignored the pleas.
"I came all this way to see you! Now you're at LEAST coming to dinner with me!" Relena shrieked and threw pink confetti at them until they begged for mercy. He couldn't take it anymore- Heero finally snapped (much like Duo's leg was about to).
"Listen you pig-faced, pink-loving, deformed freak of nature, I've had enough of your incessant stalking and rambling about your love for me! I have never and will never, ever, EVER be interested in you! I love Duo!" To make his point, he stood up and put his arm protectively around Shinigami's waist. However, he quickly realised that this gesture exposed him in all his bishounen glory to the person he hated most in the world.
"Uh, Duo?" He asked. "Can I borrow your sock to, eh, cover up a bit?"
"You had your chance!" Came the smug reply.
Relena stood shocked.
"You... think.. I... love you?!?! KYAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAH! MY GOD THAT'S JUST FUNNNY! AHAHAHAHAHAHAHAH!" she howled and fell over, tears of mirth making little paths down her face.
Duo blinked.
"But then why do you scream his name all the time like a freakin' foghorn?"
"Because I get a kick out of the look on his face when he hears me!"
Heero face-faulted. What the hell was this girl on? Obviously some sort of illegal substance. Possibly the same stuff as Duo.
"Okay... what the hell are you talking about?"
Relena cleared her throat . "HEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE-
EEEEEEEEROOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO-
OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO-
OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!" she yelled so loud the building shook. Due to the huge vibrations, Duo and Heero were shaken off balance, and landed in a tangled heap on the floor- with Duo on the bottom.
"Well, well, well, so NOW you want to start getting it on with me?" The braided boy asked. Heero blushed, glancing over at the mentally-deprived girl standing just to the side of them.
Relena giggled and looked at Heero and Duo with sparkly eyes and little shoujo bubbles floating around in the background. "Don't mind me!" she said all strange-voiced. The Wing and Deathscythe pilots exchanged confused looks, before turning their attention to Relena.
"Uh... Relena?" Heero asked. "What's with the sparkles and the bubbles? You're really scaring me. I mean, more than usual."
Relena blinked. "Did I SCARE you? Jesus, I didn't think stalking people did that... sorry Heero!" She apologised, wholeheartedly.
Now Heero was REALLY confused. He had come to the conclusion that she was clinically insane many moons ago, but this was taking craziness to a whole other level. Or maybe she was just dumb. Probably both.
"Relena? What the hell is with you?!"
Relena gave them a strange look. "Wrong? But my dream, my life's dream has just come truuueee!" she exclaimed happily. The two Gundam pilots covered their ears in an attempt to block out that squeaky voice of hers. Small explosions were heard, as the eardrums of people in the surrounding houses popped.
"What are you talking about?!" Duo questioned.
Relena frowned.
"Well didn't you know the reason I follow Heero around?"
"Because you're a screwed up, scary freak whose mother was an X-ray technician and whose father was a mad scientist?"
"...NOooooOOOoooOOOoOOOOoooOOOOoOOOoOOOpe! Guess again!" Relena said, pulling a wallet like thing out of her pocket and holding it out in front of herself, like LAPD freaks do. "I'm an UNDERCOVER FANGIRL[1] of the YAOI DIVISION! AND YOU ARE GOING PUBLIC! Today all 1x2 fans can celebrate!" she cried, flipping it open to reveal a badge and id.
Heero blinked. Duo blinked. Heero blinked again. there was quite a lot of blinking going on actually, for the romantic pair were having quite some trouble taking this startling revelation in.
"Wh... what did you say?" Duo gaped.
Relena grinned. "I said you're goin' public! Today shall forever be known as 1x2 day in the future! Even the president of the United States is a 1x2 fan! We all knew it! C'mon, get dressed, you have a lot of press conferences waiting for you!"
"Better do what the scary chick says, Heero." Duo said, offering his koi a nearby smelly sock, which was quickly put over 'Lil' Heero'.
"Okay, we're dressed!" Shinigami announced.
"What?! Duo!"
Relena grinned.
"You have to get dressed, so I'll just call my fellow U.F and tell them... Mission complete!" She giggled and flipped open a cellphone and began talking quickly.
"Baka," Heero scolded, thwapping Duo over the head. "What are we supposed to do now?"
"Uh... find some shoes to go with the socks?"
"... Baka."
The blond slammed the phone shut. "Alright, let's go!" she said to the naked men.
"No! I'm not going anywhere like this, or with Relena for that matter!" 01 squawked.
"Well, I'm not sure about that," the braided pilot thought aloud. "After all, it might be kinda... kinky. ^.^"
"What the...? No way! Don't even think about it Duo!"
"Aw, c'mon! It'd be fun! Besides, maybe if we show everyone that they're a couple, people will stop writing... *shudder*... 2xR fics."
Relena nodded sagely.
And so, with a disgruntled Japanese pilot in tow, the trio made their way down to an awaiting pink limousine. Getting in, it was only a few minutes before the two sock-clad youths found themselves arriving at a convention centre, with a sign out the front reading 'Undercover Fangirls- 1x2 Division'.
Relena led them onto a big podium in front of masses of people of all races and genders and sexual preferences.
"DEAR 1x2 FANS OF THE WORLD! I BRING TO YOU... HEERO AND DUO!" she cried, stepping off stage and shoving Duo and Heero out. A massive cheer erupted from the audience as the two pilots came on stage, Heero half-hiding himself behind Duo to protect what little dignity he had left.
"Thank you, thank you!" The more pretentious of the two announced, waving to the hordes of screaming fans, before turning back to Relena. "Uh, now what do we do?"
"Propose, make out, make love, announce you're a couple, whatever you want! They love you!" whispered Relena back.
"Oh, okay then," Duo cleared his throat. "Okay peoples, listen up! Me and this cutie who's trying to hide behind me are officially an item, so quit writing those fics where I end up paired with Quinze or whoever!"
"And please," Heero begged, "no more 1xR! I'm losing what little sanity I have left!"
The audience erupted into mass cheering. Even Relena was clapping.
Duo and Heero (who had by now come out of his shell just a tad) took a bow. It didn't escape their attention that when they did this, the crowd applauded even louder, accompanied by a barrage of hoots and wolfwhistles.
"What was that about?" Heero asked.
"They must just really like us, I guess!" Came the reply. And so, unaware that their socks had fallen off mid-bow, the G-boys made an exit.
OWARI
Friezaess: There! All ready to post on fanfiction.net! *Leans back and stretches*
Tama: P1KK4!
Friezaess: Yes! Though I have never played an Eminem song in my life, P1KK4 to you too!
Tama: KYAHAHAHAHA!
Friezaess: O.o . *Sneaks away to glomp some random G-boys*
Tama and Friezaess: Anyway, PLEASE REVIEW! ^_^