Disclaimer: All the characters belong to Tamora Pierce. I'm just borrowing them.

Author's Note: I originally wrote this parody in late 2008/early 2009 (posted under a different account), but I removed it because I wasn't happy with it. After reading through it the other day, I decided to completely rewrite the entire thing and re-post it, so here it is again, hopefully better than the original version.

Part One - Alanna: The First Adventure

Chapter One
Gender-Confused Twins

Once upon a time there was a girl named Alanna who was trapped in the wrong gender. "I want to be a MAN!" Alanna roared with masculine fury. "I want to eat beef jerky, sit around drinking beer, and watch football on the weekends. Rargh!"

"Boo, I hate everyone," said her twin brother Thom, who hated everyone. "Except for my good pals Barbie and Ken." He pulled out his Barbie dolls and admired their outfits with un-masculine glee. "I don't want to be a knight. I want to have tea parties, sew fashionable clothes, and become an expert at interior decorating!"

"Then we'll switch places, you sissy!" Alanna bellowed, angered by her brother's girly hobbies. "I'll go off to the palace to become a manly man and you can go be a fruitcake."

"I'm not a fruitcake," growled Thom. "I just don't like to get dirty. Is that a crime?"

"Whatever, you poor excuse for a lad. Let's go visit the old hippie woman and get out of here."

Thom put away his dolls and followed Alanna to the rainbow-colored shack where Maude, the village hippie, lived. Alanna strode powerfully like a manly man and Thom walked daintily behind, frowning at the world because he hated everyone (except for Barbie and Ken, of course). The shack was filled with peace signs, pot plants, and daisy chains, and old Maude sat in a beanbag chair staring at a lava lamp.

"Hey, man," Maude said sleepily. "What's hangin'?"

"Yo mama," Alanna replied.

"That's not cool, man. Peace and love, kiddies. It's all about peace and love." Maude got up from her beanbag chair and staggered over to the fire, which glowed in several different colors. "Okay, man," she slurred, adjusting her tie-dye bandana."I want you guys to stick your hands in this psychedelic fire."

The twins did as she said, because their father had never bothered to teach them that hugs were better than drugs. Alanna got some really trippy visions and saw images of Thom playing with her old Barbie dolls in his secret hideout. "Holy crap. So that's where all my discarded birthday presents went."

"Can we get out of here now?" Thom complained. "I've got a scarf that I need to finish knitting."

"Yeah whatever, man," said Maude. "Get in my hippie van and I'll take you to the convent. I've got some brownies I need to sell, anyway."

Thom got into Maude's hippie van, glaring at the peace signs that had been painted everywhere, and finished knitting his scarf while Maude drove to the convent. When they arrived at the City of the Gods, Maude went off to sell her brownies and Thom went to the convent, hoping to show off his skills in embroidery and interior design. "Hi," he said sullenly, scowling at a group of young girls who were having a tea party. "My name is Thom and you're all inferior."

"Get out of here, you sexist pig!" said one of the girls, scowling back at Thom.

"You're not inferior because you're women," said Thom, rolling his eyes impatiently. "You're inferior because I can totally kick your ass at sewing and knitting and embroidery. Check out this tablecloth I made." He showed off his best tablecloth, which put all the girls' work to shame. "I'm such a prodigy, I sewed this thing when I was three years old. Try to beat that, ladies."

The ladies were not impressed. "But you're a boy," said another girl, giggling.

"So what?" snapped Thom. "Boys can knit and sew and throw tea parties as well as any stupid girl! I'll show you, missy," he growled, developing an evil gleam in his eyes. "I'll show you all." Muttering darkly to himself, he gathered up his knitting needles and strode away, plotting revenge.

Meanwhile, Alanna was trying to hitch a ride with Coram, the village alcoholic. "Hey, Coram. Let's play a game called Drink the Beer!" She handed him a mug of ale.

Coram eagerly chugged it down and Alanna cried, "You win!"

"What do I win?" asked Coram.

"Another beer!"

"Sweet."

Once Coram had chugged down several mugs of ale, he was drunk enough to put on a sequined dress and dance the macarena in front of the king and queen. Before he could find any dresses, Alanna dragged him onto a horse and the two of them hauled it out of there. "Wow!" Alanna cried as they reached the city of Corus. "There are buildings! And people! And overpriced crap for sale!"

"Who wants to buy some teeth?" said a random thief named George, holding a pair of dentures in the air. "Teeth for sale, stolen straight from my mother's mouth! I'll sell 'em to the highest bidder!"

People started crowding around to place their bids and Alanna quickly dragged Coram off to the palace, where Duke Gareth waited for her arrival. "Your father was a pansy!" Duke Gareth scolded, wagging his finger at Alanna. "A pansy, I say!"

"I know," Alanna replied sadly. "My brother inherited all of his sissiness. But don't worry about me. I'm a MAN!" She pulled out a strip of beef jerky and gnawed on it ferociously.

"Take that drunken lout out of my sight!" cried Duke Gareth, shaking his first at Coram. Coram had passed out and lay in a drunken heap on the floor. "Dear Mithros's trousers, he's drooling on that darling new carpet!"

Sighing, Alanna shoved Coram into some closet where no one would find him and set off to meet the other young lads who wanted to be manly man knights. "Hey, new kid!" said an ugly boy named Ralon. "Yo mama slept with the goatherd!"

"Oh yeah? Well yo mama's a saint. A Saint Bernard!" Alanna shot back.

"Yo mama so stupid she waited for a stop sign to turn green."

"Yo mama so dumb she thought an elevator was a mobile home."

"Yo mama so fat she sat on a rainbow and made Skittles."

"Yo mama so big, fat, and clumsy she tried to get to Wal-Mart, stumbled over K-Mart, and landed right on Target." Alanna jumped up in victory. "Ha! I win!"

Thoroughly humiliated, Ralon started to cry. "I'll get you, my pretty!" Dripping tears on his shirt, he stumbled off like a sissy.

"What a fruitcake," said Prince Jonathan, who happened to stroll up with his fly posse. "Yo, Alan. Meet the crew. This here's Gary, who is large and will sit on you if you upset him. This is Raoul, who is larger and can sit on you harder. And this is Alex, who likes to lurk around suspiciously like a suspicious lurker."

"Howdy y'all," Alanna greeted like a proper noble.

After a long pause, Jon coughed and muttered, "Oh yeah, I forgot. That's Francis over there, but no one really cares about him."

"Hi," said Francis.

"FRANCIS!" bellowed Raoul. "I didn't say you could speak!" Francis immediately faded into the shadows.

"Hey, that's my signature move!" hissed Alex, fading into the shadows secretively.

Suddenly Gary shoved a map, a fanny pack, and a bottle of water into Alanna's hands. "I'm Tour Guide Gary and I will be assisting you today. If you look to the left you can see some tame noblemen gathered at the watering hole. A herd of wild servants is grazing at your right. Any questions before I continue the tour?"

"Where's the little pages room?" asked Alanna. "I have to tinkle."

"Just use that." Gary pointed at a potted plant that stood in the corner.

"I can't use that!"

"It's okay, we're all boys here, Alan. It's not like you've got anything that we haven't got, right?"

"Never mind," muttered Alanna. "I'll just wait until the tour is over."

"Suit yourself," said Francis.

"Did I say you could speak, young man?" said Raoul. "No, I did not. So get back to your corner and stay there!"

Francis quickly scurried into his corner and everyone forgot about him.