A/N: Because I have no life whatsoever, I have decided to do a little experiment and here it is. I own absolutely nothing so don't sue me. Even if you do, you won't be getting much, I can tell you that right now. This is purely for experimentation! Depending on the reactions this gets, there may be more. This stars Randy Orton, Evan Bourne, Kane, John Cena, and Chris Jericho. Don't like, then don't read; if you do like, tell me what you think. Enjoy!
Sort Of Little Red Riding Hood
Once upon a time, there was a house. This house was built on the edge of the woods. Residing in the house was a young boy named Evan and his father named Randy. The two had a very loving father-son relationship.
"Daaaaaad! Can I please just go to the party?"
"Fuck no you can't go to the party! You think I'm stupid, Evan? I know what goes on at parties, young man! There will be alcohol, drugs, and really slutty girls who just want a penis to use and throw away like no one's business! And you want to be around all of that?" Evan paused for a brief moment before he answered.
"Yes."
"Son, I hate you so much right now."
Upset that he couldn't go to the party later that day, Evan lounged around the house, moping and pouting whenever his dad came into the room. By two o'clock that afternoon, Randy had had enough of that shit.
"Evan, I swear to God, if you don't knock off your little pouty bullshit, I will stab you in the eye with a toaster."
"But Daaaaaad, I'm bored! I have nothing to do now that I can't go to the party!"
"Why don't you go and visit your Uncle John huh?" Evan wrinkled his nose at the idea.
"No way! I don't want to go and visit that old fart. He's insane!" Randy's eyes narrowed and he pointed towards the door.
"Get your fat ass out of this house and go visit your deranged uncle right now!"
"My ass isn't fat…"
"GO!"
Whining and pouting, Evan slumped out of his chair and left the house, slamming the door as he did so. Randy shook his head and went back to reading his Playboy.
"Damn kid needs to get laid." After a moment, he sat up, realization dawning on him.
"Shit! I forgot to give Evan the picnic basket that has all of John's old Playboy magazines. He wanted those back today. Oh well. His loss." And with that, he went back to reading his magazine.
Outside, Evan proceeded to walk down the dirt path through the woods. Grumbling he kicked a rock and hissed at the pain he felt.
"Why does Uncle John have to live in the middle of the woods? What was he thinking? And why do I have to go and visit him? Why can't Dad? If he left, then I could at least play the Wii. But no, he has to be there all the time. I can't even watch porn anymore! God, he sucks." Evan stopped his bitching and looked down, kicking another stone. Something in the bushes beside the trail caught his eye and he walked over to them, trying to see what it was. Bending down, he retrieved a plastic bag from the bushes and opened it up. Inside of it was a cucumber and a jar of Vaseline.
"I wonder what this was doing here. Hm… Oh well, I'll give it to Uncle John. He needs all of the help he can get anyway."
Shrugging, he continued to make his way towards his uncle's house. He walked for a few minutes before he heard a rustling sound emanating from the nearby bushes. Evan stopped walking and listened, but the sound had died out. With a casual shrug, Evan started walking again, only to stop once more when he heard that same rustling sound. Getting a bit anxious, Evan picked up his speed and started walking a bit faster. A few minutes later, a large bald man jumped out in front of him and Evan let out a really loud, incredibly girly shriek that made the man raise one of his eye brows.
"Hey kid, what are you up to?" Evan gazed up at the man, knees trembling as he fought the urge to piss himself.
"I…I'm on the way to my uncle's house."
"Cool. Hey, have you seen a plastic bag with a cucumber and a jar of Vaseline around here anywhere?" Evan moved his arms behind his back, blocking the man's view of the plastic bag he had.
"Nope. Haven't seen anything like it."
"Oh. Okay. Thanks kid." And with that, the bald man dived back into the bushes leaving Evan by himself. Shaking his head, wondering if he had gone as mental as his uncle had, he started walking.
Unbeknownst to Evan, the bald man, Kane, was taking a short cut to his Uncle John's house. He arrived at the house before Evan did and knocked, letting himself in. Looking around, he saw that there wasn't anyone on the first level. Feeling a bit more relaxed, he climbed up the stairs and checked the bathroom. No one. He checked the guest room. No one. He opened the door to the bedroom and gasped at the sight before him before he leapt inside and knocked the unsuspecting John Cena unconscious. Grimacing to himself, Kane stripped John of his clothing and, very, very reluctantly, put it on.
Meanwhile, Evan crossed over the small brook that separated his Uncle John's house from the rest of the woods. Pouting to himself, he reluctantly jumped over the brook and made his way up the driveway to his uncle's house. Once he was standing at the front door, Evan forced himself to raise his hand and knock. From inside, he heard loud thuds followed by a muffled 'oof!" before he heard a response.
"Come in!" Evan frowned. That wasn't his Uncle John's voice. That is, unless his Uncle John was…. No! It couldn't be! Why now, of all times? Cringing, Evan opened the door and forced himself inside, his eyes closed shut tightly. Mustering as much bravery as he could, he peeked his left eye open to catch a glimpse at his uncle. Sure enough, sitting on the couch, was his Uncle John decked out in all of his Vanilla Ice glory.
"My eyes! They burn!" Evan wailed as he fell to his knees, the palms of his hands rubbing his eyes, trying to erase the horrible image out of them.
"Oh, c'mon Evan. It's not that bad!" Upon hearing the voice, Evan stopped rubbing his eyes and frowned. That wasn't his uncle's voice. Removing his palms from his eyes, Evan squinted over at his uncle.
"Uncle John? Is that you? Your voice sounds….weird. And I mean, weirder than usual."
"I just have a cold." Evan stood up and approached his uncle, gazing at him intently. Unable to control the itchiness that the wig gave him, Kane removed it and threw it somewhere.
"Hey Uncle John, your bald!"
"So? It makes it easier to wear my stupid hats."
"Yeah, they are pretty stupid." Evan sat down on the couch as far away from his uncle as possible. His eyes continued to study his uncle.
"Hey, Uncle John, why are there obnoxious and big dark circles under your eyes?"
"I've been having trouble sleeping and whacking the wood isn't helping any."
"Oh." Evan looked away but soon returned his gaze when he felt the couch shift and his uncle's body heat radiating off of him from close proximately.
"Hey, Uncle John, why are your hands so big?"
"They need to be big in order for me to molest you properly."
"Oh, okay." Evan paused and thought for a second. "Hey! What-"
But before he could continue, he was knocked onto the floor by Kane who was smirking victoriously as he sat on top of him. Evan struggled futilely, but his squirming only turned Kane on more and he leaned down and grabbed the boy's wrists, maneuvering them above his head.
"I know that you took my cucumber and Vaseline, Evy. And I'm going get my revenge." Scared, Evan looked up at the man sitting on top of him.
"Wh-what are you going to d-do to me?"
"I'm going to steal your butt cherry while I make you watch all of Lady Gaga's music videos." Evan's bright eyes widened and he screamed.
"No! Not Lady Gaga! Anything but that! Please! I beg you!" Kane grinned evilly as he leaned closer, intending to bite Evan's neck and hard as he could. But before he could to that, a blonde man ran into the house, carrying an axe.
"Get off of that kid!" Growling, Kane let Evan go and jumped up. The man charged at him, but was kicked in the stomach and dropped to his knees. Ceasing the opportunity, Kane fled the house, stripping himself of John's clothing. Taking deep breaths to calm himself, the strange man scooted closer to Evan.
"You okay kid?" Panting, Evan looked over at him before turning his wide, tear-filled eyes towards the ceiling.
"I think I peed myself." The sound of heavy, unstable feet on the stairs broke their short conversation, and they both looked up as John came down, grasping at the wall.
"Has anyone seen my tweezers? I have this really annoying nose hair that won't go away." Evan gaped at him in horror while the man merely laughed.
"Hey Evan, Chris, what are you guys doing laying on my floor?" The laughter died away and both Evan and Chris looked at each other before turning back to John. Before either could speak, a look of horror crossed his face.
"Oh my dear sweet Lord! You're engaging in the butt sex! I gotta call Randy! He'll wanna see this!" And with that, he charged back up stairs. An awkward silence fell upon them before Chris stood up. Reaching his hand out, he pulled Evan up with him and they stood their awkwardly.
"So…." Evan started.
"Yep…."
"Thanks."
"No problem." More awkward silence. Then Chris spoke up.
"Wanna go to a part with me tonight?"
"My dad says I'm not allowed to go." Chris smirked and wrapped an arm around Evan's scrawny shoulders, pulling him in close.
"Your dad can suck my dick. What he don't know won't hurt him."
"Will there be alcohol, drugs, and really slutty girls who just want a penis to use and throw away like no one's business?"
"Yep. And you know what else?"
"What?"
"Spicy Italian sausage."