When Shizuka first looked at me – looked at me the way she did – I felt enlightened. The burden of being a shame to the Kiryu family had been lifted off my shoulders. There was this feeling in my stomach when she gazed at me with those sakura-coloured eyes… it felt as if I wasn't the only one in the world feeling absolute pain and despair. I put on a brave face for Zero because I know he felt guilty but I didn't want him to suffer. That changed later on. I gradually wanted to hurt him because it felt like when I hurt him he felt the same as I did – that brought us closer.
But then it changed. I met Shizuka. There were glistening tears in her eyes, streaming down her cheeks like a waterfall. And she was amazingly beautiful. Her light pink kimono flew back in the breeze as she sat on the cherry-blossom tree blooming in the snow. She was impossibly graceful… and she was looking at me. For the first time, I felt as if someone wanted me.
As I got to know Shizuka, she became the warmth in my life. I had put too much of my love in Zero – and why? I thought he was incredible… but why? Because he had the strength that he stole from me? That wasn't fair. I was tired of being compared to Zero and I was tired of coming second best every time we were compared. I never considered that it was Zero who was hurting me. But he was. He was hurting me and he was draining my life out of me, slowly…
I began to hate our mother and father for killing Shizuka's lover… they were vampire hunters. They would hunt vampires – nice, kind, beautiful vampires – like Shizuka. I began to hate them, and I started to hate Zero too because that was what he would become. And I began to feel glad I was too weak to become a hunter because I never wanted to kill someone, because the end result would just be hurting their loved ones. Like Shizuka and her lover.
Zero and I slowly grew apart. I would leave in the middle of winter and he would baby me like he always had. I used to enjoy that because I liked him giving me attention and I even liked seeing the guilt imprinted on his face as he cuddled me up and scolded me for going outside without his permission. Now it just annoyed me.
"Ichiru, where have you been? Your shivering, you shouldn't go outside in the cold – especially without your jacket!"
"Why would you care?"
The glare on my face would never faze my protective big brother. Rather than deterring him, it just made him more furious. "Tell me, Ichiru!"
I blinked. I always got scared when Zero shouted at me like that. But I had learnt not to always hide in the shadows. I was so sick of Zero.
"No! You don't need to know."
I had grown up with Zero. We had grown up. He was barely an hour older than me yet he acted as if there was ten years difference. I used to enjoy the babying and the poor-sad-little-Ichiru routine. But I didn't anymore. I was over it.
I was over Zero.
Shizuka had almost completely replaced Zero in my heart. And I liked it that way. I really did. I preferred Shizuka over Zero.
Because, the way I saw it, Zero and the soulless, moral less vampire hunters were the evil ones.
I looked forward to my visits with Shizuka. She told me the truth; she was a powerful, pureblood vampire. She had the power to turn any common human into a vampire.
I begged her to let me become a vampire, but she wouldn't let me. I was upset with her for this but I pretended not to care. She saw through this. Shizuka was extremely intelligent. She knew me very, very well.
"You really do want to be a vampire, don't you?"
"Yes."
"Why?"
"I want to be the same as you."
And that was true. I used to say this to Zero, I used to say I wanted to be a hunter but I didn't now. I wanted to be the complete opposite.
Shizuka had changed me – for the better. And I felt such love towards her… Zero had stopped caring about me to an extent, because I stopped caring about me. But he still felt the brotherly love that I didn't feel anymore. Shizuka had changed us – and I wasn't sure if it was for better or worse.
Peer over the edge, can you see me?
Shizuka had looked at me differently to anyone else who had looked at me. And I felt special. I felt "chosen". I felt as if she had specially selected me.
Rivulets flow from your eyes.
One day, I saw her and she was crying again. I asked her why. She said that it had been a year since her lover had died, and that she wanted revenge on who had killed him. And I knew what that meant.
Paint runs from your mouth like a waterfall
I was there; in the bloodbath. I pretended to suffer. Zero thought I had. It amused me. Mother and Father were dead and I felt mildly pleased. I knew it was horrible. I knew I shouldn't feel that way, but I did. I looked up at Shizuka. She had bitten Zero; blood was streaming from her mouth. She refused to bite me. She said living as a vampire was a form of torture, and that was why she had bitten me and not Zero.
And your lungs crystallize.
When I discovered her death, I vowed to avenge Shizuka. I couldn't allow the person who had saved me from my life to die without being avenged.
Shizuka had changed my life, she had ended my pain, and she had become the only colour in my world. There grew hate inside me, because who ever had killed Shizuka had killed my reason to live.
A/N: The song is Tip of the Iceberg by Owl City. Hope you like – please review!