The pressure increasing.
Ribs constricting.
The pain swelling little by little while the burn choking her makes her gasp.
No air.
There is no air to breathe and she desperately fumbles around, arms flailing amid the water.
Where is the shore?
Murky water surrounds and swallows her whole as she continues to sink further and further down. The darkness enveloping her, keeping her prisoner.
She can't fight it. There is no point... And yet, something snaps in her and her resolve returns.
She can't go down.
She won't go down like this!
And even through the pain she tries to swim up through the endless space, up towards the light. The burn intensifying in her throat, in her heart but she knows she can't give up.
Donna wakes up, throat dry, heaving and trying to breathe at the same time. Sweat covers her body as a chill runs up and down her spine. Tears are streaming down her face and a sob escapes her mouth and she tries to catch her breath. Nervous rays of light flicker through the curtains and fall upon her bed reminding her that today was the day. Today's the ethics hearing and Harvey's demise. Because of her. And her breath catches again. Reaching up to cover her mouth, she carelessly swings the bed covers and makes a dash for the bathroom. Making it just in time, she relieves whatever small amount of content that was still left in her stomach. With effort, she picks herself from the the floor, flushes the toilet and reaches for the sink to clean herself up.
The freckles on her face stand out against the pallor that covers her entire body. Her hair keeps sticking to her forehead and neck, the sweat making her body feel unbearably warm. A rush of anger flows through her veins then and she takes off her clothes. Opening the shower door, she walks in and hopes the water will wash away all the pain, the confusion, fear and anger that has taken over her body and soul since yesterday.
Donna has been staring at the computer screen for god knows how long. The blank page interrupted only by the flashing of the pointer that seems to continuously remind her that she has to begin typing at some point. She sighs and closes her eyes, hands coming up to grab her head in a desperate motion. Why? Why had she done it? What had been going through her mind at the time? Fuck! Shit!
She needs to stop thinking. But Alex's words keep coming back to her: you told him because you needed to move on. Only, she didn't want to move on! Donna Paulsen has never learned to say no to Harvey Specter. She hadn't during their days at the DA's office, much less in the almost 14 years they have known each other. Of course she wouldn't learn in the short, short time she had begun dating Thomas Kessler!...
What the fuck was I thinking?! She curses and shakes her head. She can feel the burn of tears in her eyes. Blinded by rage she slams her hand against the laptop and sends it flying across the room. The anger burns through her entire body and she feels it along with the shame, the embarrassment, the need to shout but nothing seems to be coming out of her mouth. Drowning, she feels likes she drowning again just like in her nightmare… Her vision becomes blurry and her breathing faint. Sinking to the floor she brings her hands up to her face, letting the tears burst, she allows the anguished pain shake her body with relentless sobs, and cries.
Three hours and twenty-thousand tears later, Donna picks up the Surface pro laptop and was surprised to see that it had survived her ire. Gathering her wits, she writes it and saves it to her documents folder. Writing it is one thing. Sending her resignation letter to Louis is another. She promises herself to do so when the red of her wine finally kicks in and provides her the necessary courage she's so lacking at this moment. Pouring herself a glass of her favorite California blend, she decides to let it mute her thoughts and douse her pain.
She has been sitting on the sofa, knees pulled up, her arms holding a pillow with the glass of wine resting on it as she holds it with both hands. And she has been staring at it for a while now. Red wine, her constant companion, an accomplice in fun banter and a partner in crime… reduced now to a comrade in pain. She places the glass on the side table and rests her head against the decorative pillows.
But then Harvey came to me, and all he seemed to care about is you. So if you can't tell me who you are to him… Maybe, you can tell me who he is to you Thomas' silvery baritone still rang in her head, and all she could think was how she could never explain her relationship with Harvey to anyone else. Lines so blurred that she couldn't even explain it to herself. And now Harvey was about to lose it all. And she had brought it upon him.
The sudden buzzing breaks through the stillness of her apartment, her thoughts and she frowns. She doesn't remember where she last placed her phone and lazily gets up to find it. She stumbles around, mainly because her legs have become numb in the position she'd been sitting and not from the wine. In fact, she had barely sipped the red liquid in the past hour. Everything feels in turmoil, her mind, her stomach, her spirit.
Watching him lose it and throw that empty glass of Scotch against the wall… seeing, feeling his desperation had broken her heart. And of course, his voice filled with disbelief and something else, something she now recognizes as loss, would forever be embedded in her brain: You lost faith in me!… for all the time that we've been together, that has never happened.
Blinking her eyes closed and taking a deep breath, she tries to calm herself down. She is fresh out of tears and has managed to find a moment of clarity and peace amid the pain. But pain, that inextricable force, seems to have decided to make of her heart its new dwelling. The buzzing of her phone interrupts her thoughts once again, and she resumes the search for the device.
She finally finds it under the bed covers, as though hiding from her. As she picks it up she notices that it's almost noon. Probably 11 a.m. Chicago time and she slides the phone to answer Jessica's phone call. She finds solace and relief when she hears the familiar voice greeting her with a clear and commanding, "Hello, Donna."
"Hi Jessica," she answers back and sits on her bed.
"I hear there have been some inconveniences at Zane Specter Litt Wheeler Williams," she says and then chuckles, "it does sound like a mouthful!"
Donna can't help but smile at the ribbing but it disappears almost as fast as it arrives.
There's a moment of silence and Donna knows that Jessica has sensed her discomfort.
"I imagine you must be putting all the blame on yourself during all of this, Donna," the former lawyer says in her usual cool and efficient tone.
"Please, don't..." Donna begins but is interrupted by her former boss.
"Donna, listen to me… This was bound to happen at one point. Hardman has been swimming around like a hungry shark waiting for blood to spill. And the next best catch besides me is Harvey."
Donna sighs and passes a hand through her hair.
"You don't understand, Jessica," she says with a broken voice yet trying to remain strong, "Harvey didn't break privilege… I did! I was the one who told Thomas...It was me!"
The silence that follows makes her heart sink to her stomach and she covers her mouth.
"Want to hear what I really think, Donna?" Jessica finally says, the serenity in her voice calming her spirit for a moment, and Donna nods even though she knows that Jessica wouldn't be able to see her.
"And even if you don't, here it goes," she begins, "You and Harvey have always danced around each other. You have this incredibly close relationship but at the same time you both draw an invisible line which has always baffled me... You know he wouldn't come work for Pearson Hardman unless I hired you?"
Donna sobbed-laughed and said, "no…I didn't. But I did learn later that junior associates don't get secretaries. Louis was pretty miffed about it back then... I just thought you liked to spoil him."
Laughter breaks on the other end of the line and Jessica continues, "No, they don't! And that's what I told him so he said that no way was he joining me without you. So I offered him a bargain and he agreed on the spot. When I met you, I knew… I knew why he wanted you near."
Jessica's words fade away because Donna is so stunned by this sudden confession.
"He's always loved you, Donna...That's the reason he brought you over, why he insisted I rehire you after the memo debacle, the reason why he defended you tooth and nail during the Coastal Motors suit… That's why he's willing to take the fall this time."
Well, he pretty much said he was about to lay himself down on the train tracks for you and he wanted me to help tie him down.
"He loves you Donna...but that sucker hasn't yet figured it out."
Donna has difficulty breathing and is at a loss for words. She frowns and looks around confused.
"Just promise me one thing, Donna," Jessica's level-headed voice brings her back to the moment. "Promise me you won't yet send that resignation email I know you probably already wrote… The firm would be losing one hell of a COO if you do that, and those fools wouldn't survive a day without you. We all make mistakes but that's what friendship and forgiveness are for… Would you promise me that? For now?"
Donna exhales and closes her eyes as she lays back on her bed. Pinching the bridge of her nose with her free hand she finally replies, "Ok Jessica, but I don't know how I will feel about it tomorrow..."
"Hey! I'm just asking you to give it a day. But if you're still convinced that you are ready to leave there's always a spot for you here in Chicago. I could always use a savvy and insightful mastermind to be my right hand," the statuesque former managing partner says in that conspiratorial tone of hers.
Donna laughs and feels some of her courage return. Who knew that talking to Jessica would make her feel better.
"Thank you, Jessica. I'll keep that in mind... Thanks for calling."
"I'm always here for you Donna."
She hears the phone call disconnect and sighs. Laying in bed for a little bit with eyes closed she reflects on all the pieces of information that Jessica had just shared with her. Shaking her head she reaches her final decision: Jessica must have the wrong idea. Harvey doesn't love her, at least not that way. He might care about her but love her, love her?
No. He just doesn't want to lose what they have. She is his unconditional companion, always at the ready to share a drink, a laugh, and listen to Gordon's records late at night.
No, Harvey Specter doesn't love her like that. He just doesn't know how to survive without his best friend. Otherwise, he wouldn't have turned to Paula Agard and the thought still brings chills to her body. And he would've returned the kiss in full when he had the chance, when she'd given him the chance…
No, Harvey just needs her near out of habit. It is only when he fears losing that companionship that his abandonment issues kick-in. It's what makes him fight heaven and earth to protect her, to keep her close.
Yes, that's it! And she's convinced this is the final truth:
Harvey Specter doesn't love her.
Donna dozes off for a while and when she wakes up her bedroom is engulfed by the darkness that always comes after dusk turns into night. Heading for the bathroom she decides to shower and change into her silk pajama bottoms and top. The chill of the night has her pulling on a comfy gray cardigan. She's not hungry but still walks to the kitchen to serve herself a fresh glass of wine. She takes a sip as she looks out the windows and takes in the twinkling New York City lights.
Recalling that she hasn't checked her phone even since before Jessica called and having ignored the alerts throughout the day, she walks back to her bedroom. She's surprised to see that the notifications show that there are at least 10 missed calls, 6 voicemail messages and about 4 imessages. All. From. Him. Each of the voicemail messages range from a "Where are you? The ethics hearing is about to begin and you're not here" to "Dammit Donna! Pick up the phone!" His voice changing from that soft deep baritone to the quintessential timbre he uses when he's in full Harvey Specter, New York's best closer, persona.
She also finds a couple of missed calls and a very cryptic message from Rachel which had been sent at least two hours ago. The seriousness of the text puts a frown on her face. Donna, please call me as soon as you can was all it said. Pondering what this could be about, Donna finds a comfortable position on the sofa again and decides to give her friend a call.
That's when she hears it.
The loud and insistent repetitive sounds of someone knocking at her door. The sound so loud it seemed more like a thundering than mere rapping on the wooden door. Tearing herself off she throws her phone on the sofa and once again barefooted, she rushes towards the front door. A million thoughts run through her head about the urgency of the knocks and the late hour of night.
Was someone hurt? Was the building on fire?
With a sudden, swift motion she opens the door. Worry is etched on her face until sudden realization befalls her.
Harvey Reginald Specter is standing there…
A/N: Many of you have been asking for those moments prior to Harvey showing up at Donna's door and well, it got me into writing. I really hope I was able to honor our favorite character and would appreciate to read your thoughts and comments in a review.
And for all of us who know the pains heartbreak brings, this is for that young girl in each of us hoping and wishing that our love becomes a reality. Let's never lose hope!
Let me know if you want me to continue XO