Gail couldn't pinpoint the moment she started to give up, the moment she decided what Holly was giving her just wasn't enough. But figuring that out wasn't a priority right now, right now she needed to focus on what she prepared to say, to go over the speech again. The words she'd memorized clung to her heart, ripping it into teeny tiny pieces, but she practiced them again and again as she waited for the concert to start. She had to be able to say the words -these words she spent hours deciding on- without thinking them as she watched as they cut into Holly and tear every cell that made up her warm being apart. She had to be able to recite the words that would split the world they built in two, one side Holly and one side Gail, without thinking because she would be feeling too much for proper brain function.
The familiar faces of the band came out on stage as the lights around her dimmed and fixated on them, the crowd roared in excitement and anticipation for their lead singer, not long after she obliged the screaming people and strutted out as she always did. It brought Gail back to the first time they did this. Her standing in the crowed and Holly walking out on stage, walking into her dream come true.
The crowd was smaller, -not by much as Holly's music hit big and fast- she was closer to the stage, almost at it's edge so Holly could see her while she was up there. Gail would have sat side stage but she wanted the full effect of Holly's first appearance. She couldn't have been prouder of her girlfriend, all of her hard work and passion had finally been noticed and was given it's proper exposure and appreciation. Halfway through she did end up watching from the side, she wanted to be closer, to be able to kiss the brunette when she stopped for a quick drink of water and tell her how hot she was on stage.
Holly had surprised Gail with a song she'd written for the blonde, a song no one in the crowd had ever heard but she'd been lulled to sleep with countless nights.
The first song was over and morphing into the next. The fans were yelling their lungs out, cries of joy and bouts of enthusiasm.
Gail had to smile as she watched the brunette blow kisses to the fans confessing their love. It was bitter sweet, the sight, those kisses used to be hers and hers only. Those kisses used to keep her up at night and soothe her to sleep. Those kisses used to run all over her burning skin, cause her to writhe. Those kisses used to show passion beyond her comprehension, and reassure her that nothing could ever bring them down so long as they had each other. But they were wrong.
Holly kissed Gail again and again, soft and fleeting but full of certainty. She couldn't help the smile even if she tried.
"One tour," kiss. "One month," kiss. "I will," kiss. "See you." kiss, kiss."In a." kiss. "Week." Holly finished with a lingering, soul hugging kiss and pulled away with a goofy smile on her face. She stroked the silky smooth skin under her thumbs and sighed happily. "God I'm going to miss you." she breathed.
Gail was trying to pout but the look on her girlfriends face was too strong not to smile with. So she snuggled into the warm hold the brunette had on her cheeks, "I love you."
Somehow Holly's smile grew even bigger but before she could reply they were interrupted by Ty.
"Come on Super Star, your fans are calling"
The brunette ripped her eyes away for a second, just long enough to glare the guitar player back into the tour bus, and then turned back to her girlfriend. The wide smile slowly made it's way back as she whispered, "I love you, Gail."
The declaration was sealed with a kiss that would have to last a week -it only lasted a day. It left the two breathless when they parted, Gail was still trying to regain control when the bus rolled out of sight.
She didn't know when the tears started to stain her cheeks, and for once she didn't try to quell them. She let the heat running of the escaping tears distract her from the tingle spreading over her lips at the memory of Holly's. It of course didn't help that the song blaring around her body was coming from said lips.
The tune was the one that began the album that started to take up all of Holly's time. The time that used to be held especially for her was taken away by the double platinum album. It began with one CD signing, not too bad. Then another and another, interviews were held for TV shows and magazines, one after another. The allotted time for Gail was decreasing. Then came photo shoots and another tour, new songs and duets with others, and a new album brought it full circle. Holly's days were packed tight with no room left for the blonde. Skype calls seized to exist, texts became far in between, and visits were once every month for only a few days -days that still held Super Star business.
Yes Gail was happy, she was more than ecstatic that Holly was getting her dream, she celebrated every win big or small. She was over the moon for Holly. But hatred started to settle in at some point. She became jealous of everyone who got to see the brunette smile in person, she became envious of the adoring fans who got to hug her girlfriend, and she started to loath Holly's dream. Because that dream was what kept them apart, that dream was what made her cry alone in their bed at night. That dream was what turned her into this person she wasn't so sure she liked anymore, that dream was what brought her here. Here in the crowd of the last show she'd ever watch Holly, here crying in heartbreak and not joy, here waiting to break up with the only person she'd ever love.
The thought brought her to her knees, head bowed as low as it could, and Gail folded into herself as a burning sob came ripping out of her gut.
Holly used to say that love conquered all, no matter happened, no matter how hard, no matter how traumatizing, if you had love -if they had each other- you could get through it. Gail laughed darkly, well she was wrong. Not even her love of Holly could keep her in this anymore. Their relationship was too hard, full of neglect, too painful, full of longing, too far apart, full empty promises and too many apologies. Love wasn't enough.
An all too familiar song started to play. The sweet melodies of her song, Gail's song, the song that Holly had played just before uttering 'I love you' for the first time.
"Just play babe" Gail instructed with a chuckle.
Holly smiled nervously, "okay." she whispered more to herself than the blonde in front of her.
With a nod and one last deep breath she began to strum the battered up guitar.
Gail was instantly sucked into a trance, as she was every time the brunette played, but this one was different. Somehow. Holly had written her many songs before but this one was deeper, rawer, like she was laying out her soul and heart on a silver plate only catered to her. She watched the fingers pluck at the strings, playing a tune only for her. Gail watched the first word bubble up the long delicious column of Holly's throat and slide easily off her tongue, float through the short distance between them and hit her ears. She closed her eyes as the intensity of the emotion in the brunette's voice clutched at her heart.
When she trusted herself she opened her eyes and without thought Gail brought her hand out to move a couple of loose strands out of Holly's face, tucking it behind her ear. She lingered on the soft skin of Holly's jaw, only light touches so not disturb the beautiful voice.
Holly strummed the last cord and looked straight into Gail's deep blue eyes and brought her own hand out to caress the blonde. When satisfied with her fingers tangled in wild blonde hair, her forehead pressed against her girlfriends, she said it.
"I love you, Gail."
The melody gave her the strength to push herself off of the ground, to dust herself off and bring her eye's back on their favourite sight. There on the stage in front of her, Holly sat on a stool behind a piano, her beautiful fingers floating across the keys with grace. Her eye's were closed in much the same way her own were that night, and she belted out the wonderful lyrics, the poem of her first realization of their love. But it wasn't just Holly's voice that sang, it was a room, a concert of people -strangers- that sang the declaration.
Gail almost winced when the last notes played and the room grew as silent as it would be that night. The anticipation of the next song, of Holly's next words, was screaming in the silence. Her heart began to pound as she too started to feel it.
And then the brunette opened her eyes, searched the crowd for something-someone, and when Holly couldn't find what she wanted she sighed. The breath sounded through the auditorium, causing Gail to take a much needed breath in turn.
"I don't know if she actually made it or not so I'm going to ask you guys to help me out a little, okay?" Holly began shakily. "I want you all to get out your phones and cameras, hit record when I say action and when the song is over send it to my heart. Can you guys do that?"
The crowd erupted into cheers of agreement.
Holly gave the fans the lopsided smile that stole her heart all those years ago and giggled. "Alright. Now get'em ready." she sat on the lone stool in the middle of the stage and slipped her old guitar on, waiting for most of the shuffling to seize. Once satisfied she counted down, "one. Two. Three... Action!"
She glanced over the crowd, making eye contact with every recording she could see. "I miss you like crazy and can't wait to hold you again. I hope this next one is warm enough until then, my love."
With that the brunette began plucking at the strings, closing her eyes as she always did when singing to Gail and out came the first words.
What would I do without your smart mouth
Gail sputtered out a laugh and the girl next to her -who through all of her heartache and crying hadn't even looked once- whipped her head around to glare, her mouth ready to spit venom at the person to laugh at one of Holly's songs but it quickly turned into recognition.
Got my head spinning, no kidding I can't pin you down
The girl's jaw dropped. "What are you doing here?" she asked as if the blonde was insane.
Gail shrugged.
What's going on in that beautiful mind
"Dude, you should be up there right now. Or at least hanging on the edge of the stage where she can see you."
"Why?" Gail couldn't help but ask. She was so confused all of a sudden. The rush of the concert, the rush of Holly writing her a new song, -something she hadn't done in over a year- it started to cloud her reasoning for coming to the show and wanting to break this off.
And I'm so dizzy
"Because the song is for you, you idiot. And she obviously was looking for you earlier and was disappointed you weren't there to hear the new song first hand. Now get up there." the girl pushed the people in front of them.
But I'll be alright
After the initial anger the people realized who Gail was, like the girl had, and moved out of the way.
My heads under water
This continued. Everyone bumped the person in front of them and they quickly paved the way to the stage for the blonde.
But I'm breathing fine
Holly's eyes opened at the shuffling and gasps coming from the crowed. And just as the next words slipped into the microphone she spotted their muse, their purpose for existing, her purpose for existing.
You're crazy and I'm out of my mind
Gail's heart was pounding out of her chest, aching to be held by the brunette, reaching for the warm careful hands of it's owner. She didn't know if she was breathing anymore, and frankly she couldn't have cared less.
Cuz all of me, loves all of you
Love your curves and all your edges
All your perfect imperfections
She couldn't just stand at the gate, it wasn't enough.
Give your all to me
With the help of security she moved the offending object.
I'll give my all to you
Gail was on stage, smiling at the lone woman.
You're my end and my beginning
The intensity of Holly's gaze, the feeling in her voice, the power of the words
Even when I lose I'm winning
It was all too much. Her legs were getting shaky and her lungs begged for air.
Cuz I give you all of me
Gail was at the edge of the stool, her everything just inches away. Holly could see the storm in the baby blues she knew so well, she could see the fight, the confusion, the desire, the need and love. She watched the blonde crumbling with each step she had taken, watched the turmoil in wonder. But the woman she held in her hands, her Gail, was sure, was love and lust and pure need.
And you give me all of you
With that she dropped everything and brought her lips to the quivering ones she called home. She held them with care, with purpose and reassurance. Holly breathed in all that she could of Gail, while simultaneously giving the blonde everything she had. She revealed in the taste of her minty chap stick and unique Gailness. But the need for air finally took over and they parted, resting their foreheads together and Holly nuzzled their noses in a need to keep close.
That's when they remembered the crowd. The thousands of people, cheering people, people who just bore witness to the rawest, most emotional experience Gail would ever have. And she couldn't be happier for those stupid fans, who in the end pushed her to realize that love, her love for Holly, could conquer all.