A/N: Okay to start this is a very long chapter (sorry). It is based after TMNT the 2007 movie. I just always think to myself when I watch it, that really the others would probably be a little angry at Leo for not at least keeping in contact with them while he was in the jungle. He didn't let them know he was okay. That it would have caused a lot of worry and stress...
(Oh and they're not mine *sad face*)
Feelings...
The Anger...
"Is everything okay Donny?" Leo questioned, sitting down in one of the spare chairs in Don's lab.
"Huh?" Donny turned in his desk chair, just slightly startled at the sudden appearence of Leo in the lab. Don felt just a little embarressed of his display of not so ninja like awareness.
"Is everything okay?" Leo repeated. "With us, I mean?" he asked, in unsure voice. Ever since he had come back from the jungle he thought things felt kinda off with Don. Well that wasn't technically true. To start with things felt pretty normal between them. Don had been happy to see him, they had given each other a one armed hug. Don seemed nearly as excited as Mikey. Then they had gone topside to train (and saw that giant monster and The Foot) and still everything seemed normal between them. Raph was mad and well Raph like about everything. Mikey was Mikey and Leo had thought Donny was Donny. There was tension in the air, because of Raph and himself. Thankfully things were better now between he and Raph, after their rooftop fight and deafeating Winter's Stone Generals.
Not long after the battle with the Stone Generals Leo had started to feel like things were off between he and his purple clad brother. Not in a really obvious way. But things were definitely not right between them and for the life of him Leo couldn't work out why. So that's what had brought him here, to Don's lab.
Don seemed perplexed by the question, if the expression on his face was anything to go on. "Aaah no we're fine" Don replied slowly, confused as to why his older brother would ask him that. "Why? Why are you asking me that?" Don replied.
Leo studied his second youngest brother for a moment before answering. Not really sure how to put into words the vibe he was getting from Donny. Even now as they spoke, he felt... wrong. And he didn't know why. Don's body language seemed different. His eyes seemed different. Like he was closing himself off to Leo. "You just seem like something is bothering you, and I get the feeling it's something to do with me. Things just don't feel right. Haven't for the last few weeks. So, so I just decided to come and ask you" Leo explained.
Don smiled, but it didn't seem real, didn't quite reach his eyes. He shook his head. "I'm fine, we're fine" He said.
Leo didn't seem convinced.
"Really Leo. I don't get why you think things aren't right. All is good" Don added.
Leo didn't believe Don "really?" he asked. "We've barely spoken in weeks" Leo added.
"Yes Leo really, I swear" Donny replied. "I've just been... busy I guess, it wasn't intensional and nothing is wrong, okay" Donny smiled another smile that didn't reach his eyes.
Leo nodded standing up. He put a gentle hand on Don's shoulder. And for a second Leo could have sworn Don tensed up at his touch for the briefest moment. Leo pushed that thought away. "Okay Don, if you do want to talk about something, you know I'm here" He said before exiting Don's lab.
Leo didn't feel any better, in fact he felt worse. Things were NOT right. And Don wouldn't tell him why, wouldn't tell him what was bothering him. They'd always communicated fairly well. So this was really new for Leo. Leo guessed it was something to do with him being gone, or something that had happened while he was gone because he couldn't think of anything that had happened since his return that would cause Don's behaviour. Leo also new it wasn't anything that Mikey or Raph or anyone else had done because Leo hadn't observed Don interacting the same way with anyone else. Leo sighed as he walked from Don's lab into the Dojo. He decided to meditate. Maybe he'd try again with Don later or maybe ask one of the others if they knew. He just couldn't let this go, he felt as if Don was slipping away. And that scared him.
TMNT TMNT TMNT TMNT
Don tried to get his mind back on what he was doing before his conversation with Leo. But he just couldn't focus now. Things were fine. He had no idea what Leo was talking about. Nothing was wrong. He told himself. Leo was back, things with everyone seemed really good. Even Leo and Raph were doing well. Don tried to push his thoughts away. Things were fine. After 15 minutes of frustration Donny let out a sigh and turned away from his computer screen. He let his thoughts wander. Maybe he was right. He was feeling weird when it came to Leo. He wasn't even sure why. Things were fine at first. But as the weeks went on after Leo's return feelings began creeping back up. Feelings that had initially vanished at fist sight of his big brother. But then slowly crept back inside, so slow that Don didn't even realise it was happening until Leo had brought it up. Feelings that Don had done his best to push away in Leo's absence. Because he hated that feeling. It wasn't often that it took hold of him. And he felt so guilty having it directed at his brother. Now that things had settled down after the fight with Winter's Generals. And the initial excitment of Leo's return had settled, Don felt kind of maybe just a little angry with Leo. The more he thought about it. The more he realised that it was true. He was angry with his oldest brother. And that made him feel guilty. He didn't want to feel this way. He didn't want to disrupt the peace that had settled apon his family. He didn't want to open up the wounds that had begun to heal. He didn't want to feel mad at Leo. But he was.
He was angry because of the worry Leo had caused him and the rest of his family. Because of the pain they had all felt when Leo didn't return that day. Because Raph was even more angry then usual. Because of the hurt in Mikey's eyes when he returned from getting the mail, day after day and there was no word from Leo.
Don thought back to one particular day. Mikey had come back inside the lair and flung the mail on the kitchen table. He didn't have the usual bounce to his step. Don was sitting at the table trying to read a new book April had found him, before Mikey had scattered the letters and junk all over him and said book. "Mikey" Don began in an annoyed tone, until he caught the look in his little brothers eyes. It made him feel like crying himself or punching a wall in a very Raph way. Unshed tears shining, empty and lost, hopeless. Not the bright shining orbs that they should have been.
"Mikey?" Donny asked, Thinking something terrible must have happened. "Are you okay?"
"He's not gonna write is he, he's not coming back" Mikey whispered, as he slumped into the seat next to Don.
Don put an arm around Mikey. "Of course Leo will come back" he had said, trying to be reasuring, even though Don was starting to really worry too. It had been 6 months since Leo should have been back and even longer since they had heard from him. Don was worried. But he didn't dare say that to Mikey.
"What if something has happened to him?" Mikey said in the same soft voice that was so un-Miey like, it made Don's heart ache.
Don shook his head, that thought had crossed his mind several times. "I'm sure Master Splinter would sence that Mikey. Leo's fine" Don said, hoping that it was true.
"Then why?" Mikey had asked Don, letting a few tears fall, and resting his forehead on Don's shoulder. Don pulled Mikey closer with is arm. He didn't know why. How could Leo do this. Anger filled Donny. But he pushed it down. "Shhhh, Mike it's okay. Leo will come back. Hey maybe the letters are getting lost or something..." Don trailed off.
Mikey lifted his head, hope starting to shine in his eyes again. "Yeah maybe" he said in a voice that sounded more like himself. "So you think I should keep writng to him?" Mikey asked. He was so desperate to beilieve they hadn't lost Leo, he'd cling to any hope what so ever.
"Yeah Mike" Donny said. "Keep writing" Don offered a small smile. "Oh and I thought about your idea for the job. You know 'Cowabunga Carl'. I'll help you get started if you want to do it, okay?" Don told his brother, trying to take his mind off Leo.
Mikey lit up even more at that, he was pretty much back to himself. "Thanks Don" he called as he raced up to his room to get started on his costume ideas.
"Why ya lying to him like that Donny" came Raphs gruff voice from behind.
"I'm not" Donny replied, turning in his seat to face Raph.
"Telling him all that crap bout Leo...he's not coming back. He doesn't care. The mail ain't lost" Raph snapped. "You don't even believe it ya self any more Don. I can see it in yer eyes. Leo's finally free of us. You tellin Mikey that, gives him false hope. It's just gonna get harder and harder for him to deal. The more hope he has, the more easily he can be crushed by it."
"I don't want him to be sad Raph" Don had replied.
It's not helping him" Raph snapped moving further into the room.
"Well I think it is, besides you don't know for sure. Leo could walk in any day now..." Don started.
Raph held a hand up, "ba whatever brainiac. I'm goin out" Raph had lost hope of Leo returning. Was sick of not hearing from him.
"Where?" Don had asked. He'd promised to take care of his brothers. He had the most level head after all.
"None of yer bussiness" Raph had snarled before storming out.
That was when Raph had started staying out all night. Sleeping all day. They all really started to fall apart. Don and Raph argued constantly, much like Leo and Raph had. About about Leo, about Raph's unwillingness to do something to help provide for the family. Even Mikey wanted to help. About him sleeping and doing God knows what all night. About the Nightwatcher. That made a lot more sence now of course. Mikey never gave up hope, he kept writing like Don had said to. He kept trying to be himself. He never broke down in front of Don again which Don was grateful for. That look did NOT belong on their happy go-lucky brothers face. But he was always sad after the mail arrived and finally began refusing to get it at all. Leo became a word no body mentioned in fear of Raph's rage and Mikey's tears. Master Spinter meditated alot. Spending a lot of time away from his sons. The team the once were was gone. And Don grew angrier and angrier at Leo.
TMNT TMNT TMNT TMNT
Don sighed he had worked himself up thinking about all that. He couldn't focus at all now. He pushed himself out of his computer chair and walked out of his lab, heading for the kitchen. Don thought he'd get himself a drink and then try to refocus. Pushing his pain away. He loved Leo. Leo was back. He was safe. Things were good. And that's all that mattered. The anger would go away eventually anyway. It wasn't something that Don usally held onto for long. Which was another reason Don was so surprised about. He didn't hold onto things like this. And he wasn't going to anymore. He wasn't. But the frustration wasn't leaving him. He kept remembering Mikey's eyes. Raph's words, the fights. Some of the things that were said between them. It was awful. Why did Leo bring this up! Donny kept remembering the fear, that something had happened to Leo. That Mikey would break again. That Raph was going to get seriously injured while he was out, dealing with his own pain. And he had got hurt a few times. Thankfully it wasn't serious. That everything was falling apart and he couldn't stop it. And he was meant to be taking care of things while Leo was away. He was failing and everyone knew it. And most of all he was scared that Raph had been right. That Leo simply didn't want to return to them, that he didn't care anymore. That this is how it would be from now on.
Leo also exited the Dojo at the same time Don had entered the kitchen. He wasn't getting anywhere with his meditaion. He couldn't focus. He wandered into the kitchen and nearly ran into Donny who was coming out.
"Oh sorry bro" Leo said.
"It's fine" Donny replied moving around Leo without making eye contact. He needed time for the feelings bubbling inside him to settle. He shouldn't have risked leaving his lab just yet. Keeping his head down he tried to casually move away from Leo and back to the safety of his lab. Leo had already felt something off betwen them, before Don had even realised it. He hadn't even noticed the way he was acting towards Leo. Obviously doing it subconsciously. But now he did. And now his emotions felt very raw and new again. He'd spent the last 20 minutes re-living the pain of Leo's absence and all the problems that came with it. And if he looked at Leo right now he was sure his brother would see it in his eyes and force him to talk. And now, now was not a good time.
"Don, wait, Donny" Leo said grasping Don's bicep and stopping him from reatreating back to his lab.
Don stopped, but still he wouldn't look at Leo.
"You are mad at me or something Don. So just tell me please" Leo asked.
"No I'm not" Donny replied it the calmest tone he could, and headed for his lab again "Just let it go Leo, please" Don called over his shoulder.
Leo followed, grabbing his brothers arm again and pulling him around to face him. "Let it go, and let go of me Leo" Don said in the same calm tone, although it was harder to keep his voice level that time. Don yanked his arm away and went back inside his lab, willing Leo not to follow. Please Leo, I don't want to fight, there have been enough fights, Don thought.
But Leo did. "Donatello" Leo started, using Don's full name, Don rarely ignored something if Leo did that. "I want you to look at me, and tell me what is going on right now" Leo continued in his you better listen to me because I'm your leader/big brother voice. Leo had had enough. He was begining to feel angry at his brother for being treated this way. He wanted an explanation now. Don was acting even more strange, and Leo needed it to stop.
Don stiffened at the full name use. He was full naming him. He hadn't done anything wrong. He was ordering him around in that tone of voice. That do as I say tone. And usually Don wouldn't have worried. He knew Leo used full names when he was frustratred/not being listened to/serious/mad. Don was just too far gone now to care. Yeah Leo was the leader and Don listened to him for the most part. But they weren't in training or battle and Don had a right to his own space. He was trying to protect Leo here, for goodness sakes. At other times Don would have done exactly what had been asked. Don began to understand why Raph would get so annoyed. He didn't want to talk. Why couldn't Leo just listen to him.
"Now" Leo repeated. "I don't like being treated this way Donatello. Something is bothering you. Something to do with me" Leo said crossing his arms over his chest. "I want an explanation. I tried to talk to you. Things aren't right. Now you won't even look at me. it's not fair, Donny, please" Leo added, softening his voice.
Donny still hadn't turned around. He stood in the middle of his lab. Trying hard to control his breathing. Why did Leo have to do this. He had to come in here and make Don realise his feelings, feelings Don DIDN'T want to feel. Then he just had to keep pushing it. Don needed time to calm himself. He didn't want to say something that he couldn't take back later. He didn't want to be mad at his brother. He didn't want to yell. But it was getting increasingly hard not to do. Especially when Leo took that tone with him. Even though he'd softened it towards the end. It had riled the usually placid turtle up further.
Leo stood inside the door way, waiting. He wasn't leaving till he got to the bottom of this.
"DON" Leo all but yelled. Losing his paitents.
Don flew around to face his brother. The anger that he had tried to hide burning in his eyes.
Leo actually took a step back. He had never seen Don look quite like that. It was a great imitation of Raph actually.
"WHAT?" Don yelled back. "What do you want me to say. I am mad okay. I'm not sure why. And I didn't even realise I was mad until you brought it up" Don said in a tone that Leo had never heard from his usually calm brother. "So just let it go, before I lose it" Don added.
Leo didn't know what to say. He couldn't let it go. "W-why are you mad?" was all he could muster, Donny's behaviour making his stomach churn.
"Because" Don took a breath, "Not now Leo okay, I can't" Don said lowering his head. Before slumping back into his computer chair. He didn't want to do this.
"Because I left?" Leo asked. Not willing to let this go. He couldn't live like this. It hurt to much. Leo took a few more steps into the room.
"God damn it Leonardo!" Don spat, throwing the full name thing back at Leo, glaring.
"Just TELL me okay" Leo said moving so he stood next to Don's computer chair.
"Okay fine!" Don growled. "Becasue you didn't come back!"
"I'm here aren't I" Leo asked confused.
"Yeah just a year after you were suposed to be back. Annd you didn't write or call or anything for all we knew you were dead in a ditch some where!"
"I..." Leo started.
"No, you wanted me to talk so shut up so I can!" Don screamed.
"YOU DIDN'T COME BACK, YOU DIDN'T LET US KNOW IF YOU WERE OKAY. YOU DIDN'T EVEN TRY TO SEE IF WE WERE OK. YOU KNOW HOW MUCH THAT HURT! TO BE ABANDONED BY YOUR OLDER BROTHER WHILE EVERYTHING FELL APART. DO YOU KNOW HOW MUCH IT HURT TO SEE MIKEY'S FACE EVERYTIME HE CAME BACK FROM THE MAIL AND THERE WAS STILL NO WORD FROM YOU. TO HAVE RAPH DOING GOD KNOWS WHAT, AND I COULDN'T STOP HIM. ALL BECAUSE HE WAS HURT TOO. TO HAVE TO WORK AND WATCH OUT FOR MIKEY AND ARGUE WITH RAPH CONSTANTLY AND BE THE MEDIC AND HELP MIKEY WITH HIS JOB AND BE MR FIX IT AND DO MY BEST TO STOP THIS FAMILY FROM TOTALLY DISINTEGRATING WHEN I WAS TERRIFIED THAT YOU WERE LAYING IN A DITCH SOME WHERE OR THAT YOU JUST DIDN'T CARE. AND I DIDN'T KNOW WHICH WAS WORSE!" Don took a breath. He looked at Leo, who was wearing an expression of shock, eyes shining with unshed tears. But Don didn't feel guilty now. He felt enraged. He tried to stop yelling though "I was so mad at you. When you came home it was such a relief, you were okay and you would be there to take some of the responsiblity back. My anger went to the back burner. But I guess it never went away. You haven't even givin us an explanation of why. And becasue you didn't think you were a good enough leader yet isn't good enough Leo" Don added. You could have at least written to us..." Don faded out and looked at his computer screen.
Leo struggled with what to say. He opened his mouth but there were no words.
Don folded his arms on his computer desk and rested his head on top. His whole body began to shake as he began to sob uncontrollably.
Leo was sure he felt his heart literally break in half. What had he done. "Donny..." Leo started putting a hand on Don's shoulder.
Don shrugged it off "Just leave Leo" Don chocked.
"But, I'm so sorry Donny. I-I..." Leo tried, wanting to mkae things right.
"No" Don said it a loud voice, still not lifting his head. "Just get out".
Leo couldn't believe this was happening. At the outburst that had come from the calmest turtle in their family. He stood unmoving, not wanting to leave his brother like this, struggling to hold back his own tears. At the same time he didn't want to cause his brother more pain.
"Get the hell out" Don said again.
This time Leo did as his brother wanted. He fled from Don's lab. His own tears begining to fall. He raced past Raph and Mikey who were standing near the lab doorway, having heard Donny yelling and coming to see what was going on. Leo bolted to his room. Great. They'd seen him. Leo waited until he had his bedroom door shut before throwing himself on his bed and completely breaking down.
Leo never hated himself more then he did at that moment.
To Be Continued...
Reviews equal love. This one was hard to write...but I wanted to give it a go. I'm not completely happy with all of it, but don't think I'll get it any better for the moment.
There will be some brotherly comfort coming up for Donny and Leo from Mikey and Raph, sound good?