Disclaimer: I don't own any part of Glee or Coldplay. If I did, Finchel would've had sex by now.
When she was just a girl
She expected the world
But it flew away from her reach
So she ran away in her sleep
i.
"Aren't you gonna tell me how pretty I look?"
"You look amazing."
He just stares at her for a moment before—"What?"
"I just really love you."
All she wants to do is kiss him right now, but they have to start the wedding, so she just settles for, "I love you, too." And she does. She loves him. She doesn't think she's heard truer words come out of her mouth, other than, "I'm a star" and she thinks she just might love Finn a little more than that. She thinks that this is real. This will always be real.
"Do you wanna know how this story plays out? I get Finn, you get heartbroken, and then Finn and I stay here and start a family. I'll become a successful real estate agent and Finn will take over Kurt's dad's tire shop. You don't belong here Rachel, and you can't hate me for helping to send you on your way."
"I'm not giving up on Finn. It's not over between us."
"Yes, it is! You're so frustrating! And that is why you can't write a good song! Because you live in this little schoolgirl fantasy of life. Rachel, if you keep looking for that happy ending, then you are never gonna get it right. So we're done with that, and why don't we just return to our work, okay?"
"No. I think I'm gonna write this song on my own."
She knows Quinn's wrong. She has to be...right?
She hates herself. She hates him. She thought he loved her, that he would always love her. Wasn't that how it worked? You can't just fall out of love with someone, or at least that easily, can you? Did he ever love her? No one understands her pain, but like Kurt and Mercedes said, all the best Broadway icons got through because they channeled their torment and put it in their work, right?
After writing and writing until the pain washed away a bit, Rachel falls asleep, dreaming with a broken heart. Again.
ii.
"Don't go breaking my heart."
"I couldn't if I tried!"
As they dance around the piano and do the rest of the drill, she can't believe how lucky she is to have such an amazing boyfriend. She knows they're going to win this competition. No one can beat a Finchel duet, it's physically impossible. The thought makes her smile and look deeper into his eyes. It's like looking into perfection, only hotter and she wouldn't change anything about him for the world.
She decides they're better off helping the new kid.
"But I love Breadstix."
She wants to laugh at how adorable he is, but instead chooses to tell him why they're doing this. She doesn't need to win a glee club competition when she has him. It sounds cheesy, but right now he's all she needs.
"If you want to be with me, no more duets with her."
She knows she shouldn't interfere in their relationship, but she knows how wrong it is. They don't even look happy with each other! It's too easy to tell and it just makes it easier for Rachel to hate them together.
"You were never like that. I always knew what you were thinking."
Just the mere mention of their relationship gives her hope. He smiles a little when he says it. She thinks maybe, just maybe he might still love her somewhere in there. It's showing more and more everyday.
It was Sam. Not Sam and Quinn. Sam. His homelessness and Quinn babysitting and Kurt giving away his clothes. No one was cheating. It gives her a little less hope, but this isn't about her, this is about a family in need of a little happiness and hope themselves. As the club sings about hope, and don't stop thinkin' about tomorrow, Rachel looks over at Finn. Of course he's playing with Stacy and Stevie with Quinn. Of course they look like they could be a family. She lets a tear slip. She hasn't cried in public yet. There's a first for everything.
Sometimes Rachel thinks she should stop. Stop everything. Just forget about all feelings and focus on Broadway like she did before she even met Finn. It seems weird at first, but it could happen, right?
Wrong, says the voice in her head. She knows it's right. Looks like this'll be the one thing Rachel Berry doesn't get and she just has to deal with it. She hates that.
iii.
"Why don't you ask your boyfriend? Oh wait, you can't, he's not here!"
He has a point, but neither was he when she needed him. Okay, maybe she didn't need him. Maybe he needed to be left alone to figure stuff out and her pushing him into a relationship wasn't exactly the best thing to do, but either way, the fact is, he pushed her away, not the other way around.
"You know I wish that I had Jessie's giiirl!"
He has no right to do this. He-he-h, oh who is she kidding? She's never wanted anyone more. He's not making this easy on her. She's not even sure if Jesse's coming back, let alone if they're together for this to be cheating.
Looking at her with those big 'I want you' eyes is just making it harder. Why does he have to be like this? She shouldn't want someone this bad, she wiped those stupid feelings away weeks ago, this can't be ha—STOP LOOKING AT ME LIKE THAT!
The voice in her mind takes over. Her heart takes over that, and suddenly, her whole body is like a bag of skittles: one walking, thinking, feeling contradiction. Why does he want her so bad? Why does it feel so good?
She misses when he wanted her. She misses when he hugged her. She misses even the gentlest of kisses he gave her, every single one giving off a different spark than the last and each growing more passionate. She misses the thought that he'd always love her. That it would always be real, always there: their love.
She decides it's about time to at least try and move on. It won't happen, that's for sure, but she's got to give it some effort, right?
"So, I heard a nasty rumor that Jesse St. James is back in town, and I also heard a rumor that he's going to be your date...?"
"He's joining Sam, Mercedes, and I on our Prom on a Budget. He's gonna be in town for a while, though, so I'm not sure what's gonna come of it."
She tries to be calm, she tries, but in what way does he have a say in this? This is the last straw, one more sentence about it and she'll lose it, one more—
"I just, I don't trust him, don't you remember what he did to you last year—?"
"You can't tell me what to do anymore, okay? If I want to date Jesse, or anyone for that matter, it stopped being your business when you broke up with me."
"I-I still care about you."
She looks into his eyes and knows he's telling the truth, but yet again, that voice in her head just, Then why are you with her? Why are you doing this to me? Are you breaking my heart on purpose? Is this fun for you?
"Look, all I ask is that whoever I choose, you be as supportive of me as I've been of you and Quinn even though I'm dying everyday inside about it."
He comes over to start talking about something else, and she just wants to shut him out. She hasn't spoken to him about this in a long time. She hasn't really told many people how much it hurts. No one cares, do they?
She wishes he wanted her again, but she can't change the fact that he doesn't, and that sucks but it's life, right?
Jesse wants her. Jesse's sorry. Jesse won't lie to her or hurt her. He can't hurt her if she's not in love with him.
She's actually happy. Happier than she's been in a long time and she has Jesse to thank. She just wants to kiss him, but he's kind of already starting on all that stuff, and she starts to give in a little, just when—
"Hey! Dude, keep it PG!"
He's not doing this. Why is he—oh god Jesse don't please don—
"Dude! It's none of yb, your business!" He turns and smiles at her and she just wants to yell at him to shut up.
"Well this is my school, so it's my business."
"This isn't your girlfriend, so beat it, MJ!"
Finn pushes him, and she can hear Quinn's voice over the music a little, asking—no, practically begging—Finn to stop, and to just get back to dancing with her.
Sometimes she feels bad for Quinn. The feeling is overpowered by envy, and sometimes hatred, of the girl, but she knows Quinn's been through a lot to lead her to torturing Rachel in the past.
But they share something in common: both of their dates just got kicked out.
She gets home after the hectic night to find Finn sitting on her front porch. She has to say, it's not making her as happy as it should.
"What are you doing here?"
"I wanted to say I was sorry."
"Great, okay, now you can leave."
"No. Rach, I mean for everything."
"Just leave, Finn."
"But—!"
"Please, just leave."
He hesitates for a moment before getting up, looking her in the eye for a moment, and finally hugging her. She feels numb. He hasn't hugged her in so long. "I'm so sorry."
And she knows he means it. Not just for tonight, but everything.
Finn walks away, and as Rachel walks the few steps to her front door, she lets a few tears slip.
She doesn't even take her dress off, just collapses onto her bed to escape to the dream world.
iv.
Every time he hugs her. She falls deeper in love every time he hugs her, holds her. She could relate it to My Man but she doesn't have a broken heart. Everything's okay right now. He loves her. He does and he's holding her like she's the most precious thing in the world, like if he lets go even a little, she'll break away forever. That's exactly how she feels but he doesn't have a reason anymore. She's more than forgiven him for lying.
"I love you." And she knows he means it. Can you die from eye contact this extreme? "No more lying, ever."
Shit.
"There's something that I need to tell you."
Everything is out. She wishes she could go back in time and stop it before it happened. She hates this. She hates this look on his face. She just wants him to hug her and tell her he loves her again.
The tears start forming. "You can't have couples counseling if you're not a couple."
No. No. He said he'd never break up with her. He promised. You don't just—no. He's not. He can't. He—he just did.
"Come here." If he won't initiate it, she has to. She has to be in his arms again. It makes the pain a little milder, if not completely invisible for a few seconds.
"What was that for?"
"We...used to be boyfriend and girlfriend, Finn. It's silly for us to pretend like we aren't comfortable around each other." All lies, says the voice in her head.
She is comfortable around him but that's close to the last reason she's holding onto every last bit of love she can get from Finn—even if it's just friendship.
She holds on until basically pushed away and blinks back the tears until they're gone and speaks for a moment before she starts singing her failure of a song.
She knows she's not digging deep. If she digs deep, she's just going to break her fragile heart even more. It's way down there and one touch will permanently damage it. If she actually tries for this song, everything is out and Finn will see how pathetically still in love with him she is. He'll think she's pathetic. She knows she's not digging deep, so while he talks, she just barely listens, still thinking about how gentle his hugs are. Gentle, just the right pressure. His words might not be giving her any hope of him loving her, but his actions sure are.
Rachel walks on stage, urging herself not to cry; at least not yet.
"...my favorite movie, Funny Girl."
"Rachel, in your head, are you singing to anyone in particular?"
Yes, says the voice in her head. "No, not really." She has to swallow the tears to make sure they don't surface.
She thinks of his face. Every morning when they were together, she would meet him and for some reason he just looked instantly happier when she got there. She thinks of that instead of where he is in his relationship now. His relationship with someone else. Maybe Quinn's right. Maybe she really will get heartbroken in the end. She already is, so what's the point in arguing?
But the song says it all: No matter what they're going through, where they are, how much pain he causes her, at the end of the day, it will always be Finn. She will always come back to Finn and his perfect hugs and kisses and voice and heart. She doesn't care about anyone else, she will always bounce right back to Finn...
And it's awful. It might be romantic if you were watching some romantic comedy where you know you'll get a happy ending, but this isn't some upbeat, funny movie, this is her life and lately, it seems like nothing will ever go her way. Right now, Finn seems like he'll stay with Quinn until death do them part and it hurts. It fucking hurts, okay? As much as she wants to win this competition, it's a cry for help. She loves him and she can't stop, even when she knows he'll probably never love her back again, if he ever did. She feels like she's falling into some deep dark abyss and there's no one that knows how to get her out, much less someone who cares.
She sits next to Sam, who sits next to Quinn, who sits, of course, next to Finn. Of course Quinn would try to set them as far away apart as she could, even if not very.
"It's like you're attached by this invisible tether, and no matter how far away you are," God, they're so far apart. Will they ever be happy together again? "you can always feel them. And now, every time I reach for that tether, I feel like there's no one on the other end, and I feel like I'm falling into nothingness."
Well. Basically. Just for 10 seconds she wants him to hold her again. She wants him to tell her just one more time that he loves her, but she knows that's not going to happen and the thought just further breaks her heart. Sometimes she just wishes she could fall out of love with him—break the tether—but she knows how highly unlikely that is and it just hurts more. Unrequited love. This is where it all leads to, isn't it?
You fall in love, get heartbroken, grieve, then die. She hopes it'll be that easy. She lets herself cry in Puck's car. He'll just think it's because of the funeral.
Maybe not. Maybe he understands how she feels: heartbroken, depressed, dead inside. She still catches him looking at Quinn that way again. Maybe they could be heartbroken together.
v.
"I'm carrying Finn's baby." Yes, thank you Captain Obvious. Blahhhhh blah blah.
Whatever, no matter what this girl is going through, she doesn't have to be a bitch.
"You will never have him!"
She thinks Quinn might be right, but a girl can dream right? Rachel Berry doesn't give up that easy.
She might never have Finn. She might never get to feel that amazing dizzy feeling when they kiss again. She might never get to feel what it's like when Finn loves you. But she just might, so she's not giving up, no matter what Quinn Fabray says.
2020
"Hmmmmm turn the lights off."
"Babe, that's the sun."
"I don't care, turn if off."
"But it's the first day of our honeymoon! You promised me a full day of sex, you can't just take that away!"
She turns around, about to yell at him grumpily again, when she looks into his eyes and melts. "I never said I took it away. You would kill me."
"Yeah, I'd kiss you to death."
"No, that's welcome any time."
"Well, okay, if you say so." He leans in to kiss her softly, only opening his eyes when he wants to look into her sleepy eyes again. "What did you dream about last night?"
"...Oh nothing."
"Oh, really?"
"Yes, why?"
"Then why were you moaning my name?"
"I promised you a day of sex, didn't I?"
"Well then, let's get to it, woman!"
"Oh god, you're not gonna do that all day, are you?"
"Shut up and kiss me." And so she did.
END.
A/N: Oh god did that suck horribly? I would love if you gave me your opinions, that would be very helpful.