My first birthday fic as well as my first attempt in narrative style on this site. I hope you'll like it. Happy birthday, John! You are so going to kill me for this...
"And then, uh, Bruce Villanch t-turned green and he jumped up and blew up that robot centipede fella!" exclaimed Leopold 'Butters' Stotch excitedly, waving his hands around in order to visualise his story to his friends.
"Butters, how many times do we have to tell you?" Kyle Broflovski bent over the cafeteria table and rolled his eyes. He couldn't believe how random the blond boy's interpretations of films could be. "Hulk wasn't even played by Bruce Villanch, he was played by Mark Ruffalo! Not to mention that it was a Chitauri spaceship, not a robot centipede!"
Next to the Jew, Stan Marsh and Kenny McCormick were both rolling their eyes. Cartman's usual seat was taken by Jason McHugh, who was more than happy to finally be hang around those guys who are always in the centre of the town's strange events. The four children were facing Butters and Craig Tucker's gang, minus Clyde Donovan, who decided to sit with Timmy Burch, Kevin Stoley and the other boys for a change, and Tweek Tweak, who was on his coffee addiction rehab.
"Awh..." the native Hawaiian scratched his head in confusion. "But gee, I thought there was definitely a Bruce involved."
"You know that the Australian stereotype is that all guys there are named Bruce?" Stan said, biting a bit of his veal. He knew very well that it was made of tortured baby cows, but he couldn't help himself.
"Hphfffmphnf?" asked Kenny, his voice muffled by his orange parka.
"My dad's latest obsession is watching Monty Python's Flying Circus," replied the black-haired boy. "You wouldn't believe how many times he's shown me The Dead Parrot sketch..."
"Anyway, f-fellas," interrupted Jimmy Valmer, the handicapped stand-up comedian. "I think B-butters might be talking about Bruce B-b-banner, which is Hulk's real n-name very much."
"Aw, hamburgers, Stan!" Leopold folded his arms. "You think this Mark Ruffalo fella might be an Australian?"
Stan pinched the bridge of his nose. Butters's stupidity sometimes just gave him a headache. He wondered what idiocy would he come up with now. Jason just beamed and didn't say anything. He was accepted at the boys' table, this was his moment to shine. He couldn't waste it on irrelevant remarks like "Pass the gravy" or "Hey, notice me!". No, he had to say something clever and witty. His and Craig's eyes met. The latter flipped him the bird.
"Hey, don't flip me off!" Jason said before he could think. Damn it, he thought. He ruined his chance of being in the spotlight.
"I didn't," shrugged Craig. "Why are you staring at me, anyway?" he added before proceeding to flip him off again.
Stan pinched the bridge of his nose. Butters rubbed his hands nervously. Kenny pulled the strings of his parka. There was nothing for him to be afraid of, but since everyone else was doing their mannerisms, he bowed down to peer pressure.
Life in South Park Elementary cafeteria was going on as usual. Mr. Derp was distributing the food one by one as a queue lined up waiting for the new chef to end his pathetic slapstick comedy act. A fourth grader called John Vanson stood in the line, excited about his birthday the following day. A group of sixth graders, who had been in the sixth grade for about three years, were tormenting some younger students in order to gain respect. Damien Thorn, the son of Satan, who was incidentally the school's student, was using his evil powers of fire to reheat his cold veal. Next to the boys' table, the fourth grade girls were giggling as they looked in the direction of the mentioned table. Needless to say, Jason thought they must have been talking about him.
Anyway, it was just another day in the school cafeteria. With the possible exceptions of Crab People invasions, ginger kids planting bombs and religious fanatics nuking the town because of showing their prophet in public.
And the day was just about to get ruined for Kyle Broflovski, who noticed a familiar obese figure approaching their table in a hurry. His very worst enemy wasn't wearing his usual attire, but a sky blue Terrance and Phillip pyjamas, showing that he had either just got out of bed or escaped from a hospital. Eric Cartman's fat belly was bouncing in and out of his shirt while running, causing Kyle's stomach to turn in disgust when he looked. He finally stopped and began panting heavily. Just how long was he running, the Jew asked himself. They were watching the Broncos play yesterday and the fat boy felt ill, so his mother decided it would be better for him to stay in, just for the following day. Stupid fatass and his whore mum – the strict Sheila Broflovski would never allow her son to miss school.
"YOU GUYS!" Cartman finally yelled when he caught his breath. Everyone in the cafeteria looked at him with curiosity. Most of them were used to his antics, but nevertheless, shouting in the cafeteria was something that caught attention. Jason wondered if he should try that someday.
"Be quiet, fatass!" Kyle glared. It took just two words from Eric to annoy the hell out of Kyle. The day couldn't have been better...
"Dude, what are you doing here?" asked Token. "Where are your clothes?"
"You guys, there's no time for fuckin' clothes!" said Cartman angrily. He proceeded to walk around nervously while talking. "I'm seriously, I cannot believe it! This is a fucking outrage, I simply had to fuckin' get out!"
"Cartman, just calm down and tell us what happened," Stan urged him.
"What happened? WHAT HAPPENED?!" Eric closed his eyes in a rage. "Terrance and Phillip happened, that's what happened!" he shouted, continuing to throw his little tantrum.
That's right, thought Kyle. Cartman was supposed to record the rerun of the newest Terrance and Phillip episode which they couldn't watch due to the game. If he hadn't done it today, the redhead was going to strangle him where he stood. It was his beloved favourite show and he wasn't going to miss even one episode of it. The other boys also looked worried. What could have happened to Terrance and Phillip? They have been following the show ever since they were four, they grew up with it. And after the last year's mid-season finale, which was suspected to be the end of the show, some claimed they would even die with it. Except for Craig. He didn't care, his favourite show was Red Racer, unlike those retards.
"Okay, okay, just tell us what's wrong!" Stan continued, raising his hands defensively to calm the fat boy down.
"Mprhffvffffphfff!" agreed Kenny. He nodded his hooded head, encouraging him to talk.
"All right, all right, just let me take a seat..." Cartman sighed, finally remembering he was tired. He had run all the way from home to tell those fags the news, he at least deserved to sit down. Unfortunately, none of the boys moved. Cartman coughed suggestively while staring at Jason. No movement on his behalf. He coughed again. "You gaaaahs, cough, I wanna sit down..."
"Fine, fine," Stan rolled his eyes. "Jason, get the hell out of here."
"Aww..." the boy with the high-forehead moaned. "When finally I was getting some..."
"...Attention, yes. We know." Cartman assured him. "Now, get the fudge out, you faggot!"
Jason sighed and got up. That was eventually the way it always went. Nevertheless, he always tried to be optimistic, no matter how deep in the background he was.
"Just remember," he came back to the boys for a second. "If you need anything, or anyone to talk to, just remember, there's still Jason!" he gave them a thumbs-up and grinned.
"Yeah, yeah, we'll remember," deadpanned Craig. "Now, go away."
Eric sat down on Jason's seat as he left. All of the boys' eyes focused on Cartman, who just sat there, as if waiting for an invitation.
"Well?" Kyle started impatiently.
"Uh, what did T-terrance and Phillip do?" Butters rubbed his hands nervously.
"Oh, right," said Cartman, with a frown that informed the boys that it was some serious business. "You're not gonna believe it, you guys! The latest episode... said that Scarrence was canon."
"What?!" the boys exclaimed in unison.
"Wh-wh-wh-wha-what?" stuttered Jimmy.
"You can't be serious! This can't be happening!" Kyle panicked. He loved that show so much. As much as he didn't want to believe the fat boy, something told him he might be telling the truth. Could it be that those fangirls just somehow threatened Terrance and Phillip to make their fanfiction a reality?
"Wait, wait just a second!" Token frowned. He was one of the top students of the class and yet he hadn't heard of this fanfiction jargon. "What the hell is Scarrence?"
"Aw, seriously?" Eric rolled his eyes at the black boy's ignorance. Despite being rich, he was the only one who didn't have time to engage himself in the T&P fandom like the other boys. It was that stinkin' Jew who started that fad. Kyle even sometimes wrote fanfiction. Whenever his fics came out, Cartman was the one to review it first. After all, it was just common courtesy, even if he just wrote 'YOU SUCK, KAHL!111' or something like that. "Scarrence is the romantic slash pairing of Terrance Stoot and Scott the Dick!" he explained to Token.
"Oh. Then what's canon?" he asked again.
"Ugh. Canon, or canonical means official, in other words belonging to or accepted by the show itself," Cartman answered without taking a breath.
"Oh. And what's a pairing?" inquired the rich boy.
"It's a term used to describe two or more people together in a fanfiction!" Eric was beginning to lose his patience.
"...And 'slash' is...?"
"IT'S TWO STRAIGHT GUYS ENGAGING IN BUTTSEX!" yelled the obese child. Token looked as if he didn't have anything else to say. "Now, has anyone got any more questions or can I keep talking?!"
"Hey, Eric?" Butters raised his hand shyly. "What's buttsex?"
"Shut up, Butters!"
There was a moment of silence. Nobody wanted to believe Cartman. Nobody who cared, to be more exact, as Craig wasn't actually a die-hard fan of the show. Unlike Eric and the others, when he watched Terrance and Phillip, he just saw two dumb Canadians farting on each other's faces. He wondered exactly how it was supposed to be funny. Red Racer was the best anyway.
"Hey, guys, what's up with the silence?" asked Clyde, who was just walking by to return his lunch tray.
"Mphffphffwwfffvfphfmrphphmvh pmvrphffff!" replied Kenny in a preoccupied voice.
Clyde's eyes widened. Suddenly, tears appeared in his face, he started sobbing uncontrollably and finally he burst into tears as he walked off. The boys looked at him silently for a while. Finally, Jimmy broke the silence.
"So, E-eric, wh-what was the episode about?" he stuttered.
Before Cartman could answer, Craig took out his mobile and accessed the official Terrance & Phillip site.
"There's a native Canadian girl starting to work in The Canada Channel and everyone wants to know who she has a crush on," Craig started to read the summary. "Scott the Dick is especially excited. He's discovered something inside himself that he never knew he had. Now, to make sure nobody gets in the way of true love, it's time for Scott to finally let someone know exactly how he feels."
"W-wow, what a terrific summary," said Jimmy. "I don't know about you, fellas, but I would have thought it was about Sc-c-cott having a crush on that native Canadian very much."
"Shut up, Jimmy, nobody cares!" snapped Cartman. "Look, it all started when the new girl moved in, and Scott thought that she should be together with that native Canadian guy, but it turned out she was in love with Terrance instead. So then Scott told her Terrance and him were gay and sort of, uh, together," he made a face expressing disgust. "Then when the Eskimos broke up, he went to a soccer game Terrance and that native chick were watching and sang 'I Swear' to Terrance! I mean, what the fuck?! The fuck is this?! Was Phillip high when he wrote the fucking script?!"
Kyle just stared at Cartman with his mouth open. He just couldn't believe it. There was simply no way for that happening. He unfortunately had some experience with slash fangirls who annoyed the hell out of him by spamming the most famous fanfiction site which he frequently visited with shitty slash stories which ended up with either Terrance, Phillip, Scott or Ugly Bob having sex with one another (sometimes all of them at once). For God's sake, if they wanted to write gay romance, fine. But why not do it with characters who are actually gay like Saddam Hussein?
And now this. The writers have succumbed to making two of the main characters gay, just because of the fans, to become more popular, get more money, or whatever. That was wrong.
"This is wrong!" said Kyle angrily. "I have put up with this for far too long, but no more!" Everyone looked at the Jew, who was red in the face with frustration. "I am officialy FINISHED with Terrance and Phillip!"
Stan stared at his best friend with surprise. He couldn't believe it. Kyle loved T&P more than anyone else. Because of the fangirls, he has become oversensitive and overreacted every time a gay relationship between the main characters was even suggested. When some episodes which made fun of Scott's obsession to defeat Terrance came out, Kyle even threatened to leave the fanfiction site and eventually did. But he never went that far.
"Dude, I watched the episode," said Stan.
"Huh?" the redhead snapped out of his rage.
"I watched the episode on the Internet last night," repeated the boy in the red poof-ball hat. "And I don't think there's anything wrong with it. It was sort of funny, actually, it was probably the funniest one from this season after 'Uglybobballs'. Why do you guys care what some dumb girls think?"
"Stan, the thing is that Scott's sexuality is the least arguable of the guys," explained Kyle. "Unlike the other three, he's never had a truly major love interest. A crush on Katherine's been implied but virtually forgotten, and it just seems that... we're losing the slash vs. het war. That episode was just another argument in favour of slash and you know it!"
"No, Kyle, that's not it," replied Randy's son. "You can't judge an episode basing on what effect it had on the fans, and you shouldn't focus on that war so much! Anyway, don't you think Terrance and Phillip were just poking fun at the slashers?"
"I doubt it was a reference to the fandom," Broflovski frowned. "They've always avoided involving themselves in that kind of stuff. They've said stuff about how they avoid reading fanfiction in fear it'd be better than the show!"
"Well, that may be true," admitted Stan, "but they could have just changed their mind or some shit, like when they said Scott's father was Tooth Decay. Plus, the gay jokes were still funny and I still think that episode wasn't wrong."
"Stan, you're such a motherfucking hippie," Cartman pinched the bridge of his nose. "How could it not be wrong?! You leave the poor Jew in his sorrow!" he said, patting Kyle on the back.
"Thanks, Cartman... I guess," the redhead raised an eyebrow.
"I think Stan's right!" said a female voice from the other table. It was Heidi Turner, their classmate. "I have also been watching Terrance and Phillip for a long time and I think Scott was gay for Terrance for a long lime. I always supported their love-hate relationship!"
"That wasn't what I said!" protested Stan.
"Oh, please!" Bebe Stevens rolled her eyes. "Everyone knows that the only true couple there can be Terrance and Phillip. Even the title says so!"
"What's up with that fucking logic?!" shouted the boy in the red poof-ball cap. The girls didn't seem to listen to him.
"No way! Terrance and Scott have had much more sexual tension!" Heidi insisted, pointing her finger at Bebe.
"Did not!" Bebe glared at her neighbour.
"You guys, stop it!" exclaimed Kyle angrily. "Because of girls like you, slash has dominated over normal fanfiction! That's just gross!"
"Wphff," agreed Kenny. "Bphffdphrffmffffphffmhfffwph fff," he added, pointing his finger at the two girls with a perverted face and bursting into laughter.
"Ew!" shrieked Heidi.
"You guys are such hypocrites!" Wendy Testaburger rolled her eyes. "You say slash is wrong, but then you say that you'd like to see Heidi and Bebe make out!"
"Oh yeah?" Cartman stood up, ready for an argument, not realising how ridiculous he looks still in his pyjamas. "Well at least we don't write about it, bitch!"
"Yeah! We only draw it!" said Token, backing him up.
Cartman frowned at the rich boy. That wasn't exactly the best argument against slash writers.
Stan pinched the bridge of his nose. Again, things were going crazy around him. He realised that with Kyle overreacting, he had to take the matters into his own hands. Even if it would mean making another goddamn douchebag speech.
"Oh, stop it, STOP IT!" shouted the boy in the red poof-ball hat. "How retarded can you guys be? Either you just overreact when every single gay joke is mentioned," he pointed his finger at Kyle, "Make stupid suggestions without thinking," his index finger indicated Cartman, "Or you just manipulate the show's plot interpretation to match your own creepy imagination!" he pointed at Bebe and Heidi. "I mean, don't you guys see it? Goddamnit, we're talking about a COMEDY show! A comedy is supposed to make people laugh, not arouse them, Heidi! Kyle, you, on the other hand, shouldn't blame the show for what's brewing in the slash writers' creepy minds! Maybe the authors do show the characters in some gay situations sometimes..."
"A lot of them..." interrupted Bebe.
"All right, a lot of them, so what?" continued Stan. "The point is, these jokes are funny, but the problem is that you guys treat it too seriously! Kyle, you remember the slash fiction that you hate and you're frustrated that such fangirls as Heidi and Bebe now have a basis for their fics, but if you think that episode was a basis for slash, then you have become a slasher yourself!"
There was a moment of silence. Stan needed to catch his breath. Most of the cafeteria was now looking at him. Stan became quite a star after his San Diego incident. After a while, Kyle opened his mouth.
"...Stan, the problem is that..."
"I'm not finished, Kyle," the Jew boy's best friend said. "Anyway, don't you realize you have started to see slash everywhere recently? You said you hated that episode 'Scottland' because that was where Terrance's and Scott's rivalry had started. I mean, dude!" Stan frowned at the redhead. "If you want to ignore Scott's and Terrance's rivalry, maybe in your opinion it would be better to ban the relationships between characters altogether, so that they wouldn't be considered gay? Let's face it – if some fangirls had managed to make crack pairings like Stephen Abootman/Steve the Newfie, then it wouldn't have escaped Terrance and Scott anyway! What we all just need is to pay more attention to the comedy, not argue about who is gay and who isn't!"
There was another moment of silence. All the boys looked at one another with guilt. The girls in the neighbouring table did the same. Wendy smiled, ever so proud of her boyfriend. Only Token looked puzzled.
"Wait, what was a crack pairing again?" the black boy asked.
"Token, shut the hell up," responded Craig.
"Well, well, well..." Cartman clapped his hands, smirking at Stan cunningly for some reason. "It seems that we've all learned an important lesson today... And that is... That Stan is a fag!"
"What?!"
"It seems that you were hiding it well, until today you finally decided to come out of the closet!" Cartman said. "You just couldn't hide your love for slash, huh? Come on, you guys! Let's take Stan for a good ol' fag drag!"
A group of Cartman's sporadic sidekicks including Butters, Clyde, Kevin Stoley, Francis, Dogpoo, Bill and Fosse suddenly appeared behind Stan and took him by arms and legs. Stan tried to struggle but to no avail. Cartman's crowd control skills were really something to fear.
"What are you trying to do to Stan, fatass?!" Kyle immediately forgot about his depression and glared at Cartman while following the group.
Finally only Jimmy, Kenny, Craig and Token remained at the table. The girls turned around and decided to mind their own business, The cafeteria went back to normal. The handicapped boy broke the silence again.
"Anyway, fellas, you know that a new g-gah-girl is coming to school t-tomorrow? I think her n-name is Nichole..."