AN: Never written Castle before, but we'll give this a shot. Sorry I've been missing for like a year. I'm currently working on this totally awesome Bones story, but I want to completely finish it before I post since I have a history of not finishing things. This is a drabble…so yeah. Shout out if you found me from Tumblr! I'm tvfanatic over there. As always, Enjoy!
She had lied. She did it because she knew it was something she had to do. If she had told Castle that she remembered; that she knew…no. This wasn't supposed to happen. He shouldn't be in love with her. How could he be what with her stubbornness and all of her flaws? And besides, they were partners. Even if it wasn't a partnership officially sanctioned by the NYPD, he was still her partner. And she knew better than to mix business with pleasure…didn't she?
Kate knew she had lied for a good reason, but she hadn't even able to look at him when she said it. She knew how much it meant to him; knew how badly he wanted her to remember. But she just couldn't tell the truth. If she'd told Castle that day in the hospital, he would have wanted a response; expected her to say it back or something. And she just wasn't ready for that. In fact, she wasn't even sure if she did love him. How could she possibly love someone who infuriated her so much?
Kate rolled over onto her back and stared up at her bedroom ceiling. This was a mess. A giant, horrible, disastrous mess. And the fact the she had chosen to run and hide from him for two months definitely didn't improve the situation. She knew why he was so upset that she hadn't called. You don't just let a man tell you he loves you on your deathbed and then just disappear. But she'd had no choice. She couldn't stand to be around him until she figured things out.
And she thought she had. But coming back and hearing all about how hard Castle had been working on her case; how even though Gates had kicked him out, he was still just as determined as she was to get to the bottom of everything. However, the thing that had absolutely killed her the most was when she was waiting in line at his book signing. He just looked so…defeated. He'd look down at the cover to sign it and Nikki Heat's silhouette would be staring up back at him. Nikki Heat: the whole reason any of this had ever happened.
She wondered if he blamed himself for her being shot. Wondered if he wanted to just take back pushing her to reopen her mother's case. Kate hoped he didn't, even though she knew he did. He was Castle after all, and when it came to her, he'd take the blame if he thought it would somehow protect her. That's what you do when you're in love.
Not to mention that in his dedication in Heat Rises he'd flat out told the world that she makes the songs make sense to him. A response she had given him what seemed like years ago when he had asked her how she knows when she's in love.
She was going to tell him on the swings that day right after she told him she had broken up with Josh. She had every intention of letting him know that she remembered because she just couldn't take seeing him so sad. When he had told her on the sidewalk "I watched you die in the ambulance. You know what that's like? Watching the life drain out of someone you…someone you care about?" she had felt her breath catch in her throat. That was the moment when she knew she had to tell him.
And yet she didn't. Instead they just flitted around a case she felt like she was barely paying any attention to as she continued to obsess over the case that she and her mother now shared. Instead she sat there telling him how everyone was gone while he sat there, clearly ready to be there for her if she'd just ask. But she didn't ask. She acted like her emotional breakdown was nothing, just like her sudden gun shyness was nothing, like their undercover kiss was nothing, like almost dying in each other's arms was nothing. Speaking of that night, she had told him that being a cop, she'd always thought she'd take a bullet. Kate couldn't imagine him actually watching it happen. No wonder he thought she had died on him.
Kate sat up and ran her hands over her face and up through her hair. She needed to talk to her therapist again. She had been cleared already sure, but she had to go back. She had lied to him too about not remembering anything. And she just had to tell someone. Someone had to know why she was keeping Castle from knowing this big secret. Someone needed to tell her if she really was in love with Castle herself. Someone just really needed to help her move on.
Making a mental note to make an appointment in the morning, Kate lay back down and pulled the covers up to her chin. She found herself humming Seal's "Kiss from a Rose" as she drifted off and suddenly noticed that the words made sense.
AN: Sorry this was so short! I just really need to get to bed. And I really just needed to finish and post something. Feel free to leave a review or just say hi. Go ahead, push the button…I know you want to!