It was another beautiful day in ~*THA SHIRE*~ as Bilbo Baggins was sitting down to something like fourteenth breakfast or whatever, because he's a hobbit and that's what they do. "All of this eating is perfectly okay," said Bilbo, "because I have a fast metabolism." He pondered this accomplishment as he brought his grilled cheese sandwich over to his dining table.
Just then, Bilbo heard a knock at the door. He wondered who in the world it could possibly be.
"I wonder who in the world that could possibly be!" he said aloud.
Bilbo was apparently a redundant hobbit as well.
He got up to answer the door, and to his surprise there were two dwarves standing there. "Who are you and why are you in my house?" asked Bilbo.
"Dwalin and Balin at your service!" they replied as they made their way through the doorway.
Not much later, another knock was heard at the door. To Bilbo's dismay, it just happened to be two more dwarves along with a hoard of drooling teenage girls. "Fili and Kili IN DA HOUSE!" they yelled, ending with a fist bump. "We get all the ladies." This was confirmed as Bilbo's house was suddenly flooded with the pack of fangirls.
Bilbo muttered to himself, "Well, this couldn't possibly get any—"
"Nori, Dori, and Ori for the win!"
"Oin and Gloin ready for takeoff!"
"Bifur, Bofur, and Bombur dashing through the snow in a one horse open sleigh!"
And just like that, Bag End was more crowded than New York City at Christmas time. Bilbo had already had enough.
"WHAT," he demanded, "ARE YOU DOING IN MY SWAMP? Err… I mean hill?"
Someone's ringtone went off. Slowly, one of the fangirls backed away from the crowd.
"The wizard guy sent us here, mate!" said one of the dwarves whose name Bilbo had already forgotten because there were too many to keep track of.
"THE WIZARD GUY?"
"You rang?" Gandalf called into the house as he walked in with another dwarf.
"HEIL THORIN OAKENSHIELD!" the crowd shouted as they saluted their leader.
"For the last time!" grumbled Thorin, "I'll only want you to do that when we get there!"
"YES SIR!" yelled one dwarf. Another dwarf who was sitting beside him klonked him on the head and forced him into his seat.
"Can someone tell me what the pocket handkerchief is going on here?" Bilbo questioned.
"We're going on a quest!" they all shouted in chorus
"We're going on a WHAT?"
"A quest!"
"FOR WHAT?"
Thorin stood up from the table, and a silence filled the room. "Did you ever hear? Of that terrible year way back before you were born? When Santa Claus took a holiday on the night before—Ah crap. That's not right. Let me start over." He cleared his throat. "In the beginning, there was darkness. And then God said, 'Let there be cabbage.'"
"Um… I hate to argue," Bilbo chimed in, "but isn't it 'let there be light?'"
Thorin shot him a disapproving look, "Yeah, kid. They're synonyms."
"It's okay, Thorin," Balin said, "It's a dwarf thing. He wouldn't understand."
Poor Bilbo was terribly confused.
"I'm terribly confused," he said.
Gosh darn it, short stack. The narrator is hear for a reason.
"Well, I guess I'll just have to explain everything to you, won't I?" Thorin grumbled.
"No, no! It's fine! Just start from where you left off!" Bilbo blurted out.
Thorin looked at the hobbit suspiciously and then began, "As I was SAYING, God brought a light to the universe, which was cabbage-"
"But I grow cabbage in my garden, and it needs other elements such as soil, water, and sunlight to-"
"WILL YOU STOP CUTTING ME OFF, MIDGET?"
"Sorry."
"You know what? I'll just shorten this as much as possible so that I won't be rudely interrupted again." Thorin glared at Bilbo, who backed away a couple of steps. "ANYWAY, dwarves are well known across the country for their cabbage farming in the mountains. Vast cabbage farms for as far as the eye can see. They're absolutely gorgeous. Or they were, at least, until the dragon came. He chased everyone out of the mountain and kept all of the cabbage stores inside and outside of it to himself. It's our duty to go and take the mountain back!"
All of the dwarves cheered as Bilbo stood there in bafflement, furrowing his brow as though he was trying to make sense of what had just been said. And I have no idea why I worded it like that, because that's clearly exactly what he was trying to do. "So…" he asked, "We're going to risk our lives on a perilous journey for some cabbage?"
"Um, yeah? You'll get to bring approximately 7.14% of it home with you after we get there," one of the dwarves replied.
"He means that you'll get one fourteenth," Thorin said.
"…Okay? Can I at least see a map so that I can get an idea of where we're going?" Bilbo asked.
"A map? We won't be needing that," Thorin answered. He lifted a satchel onto the dining table and opened the flap (because I have no idea how to describe the anatomy of a satchel). He reached into the bag and gently pulled out…
"A cabbage?" Bilbo questioned.
"Not just any cabbage," Thorin responded, "This cabbage will be our guide on our quest." Before Bilbo could challenge this, Thorin stroked the cabbage, which wiggled a bit and opened its leafy eyelids.
"Hello," It mumbled in a whiny voice, "My name is Clarence. I'm gonna take you to the mountain to see me friends."
Bilbo stared in horror at the cabbage. It looked like a nightmare out of Sesame Street. His knees weakened and he crashed to the floor in shock and terror.
Since that day, Bilbo has been plagued with nightmares featuring Clarence the cabbage, and has never eaten a cabbage since. Needless to say, he refused to join the quest.