I wake up to the familiar feeling of my sleeping hammock but to an unfamiliar view. My stomach clenches in fear but after a brief moment of panic, I remember that I am in Dylan's bedroom. After taking a moment to catch my breath I start to calm back down. As I lay my head back down on my sweat- soaked pillow, I think back over the events that have led to the situation I'm in right now.
I can say with full certainty that the main reason everything has turned out the way it has is because I'm gay. It's something I've sort of known deep down in a part of my brain I was not listening closely enough to for the past couple of years, but had not really come to terms with what was really going on. Maybe it was just a phase, maybe the feelings would start to change as I got older, maybe I could just ignore the feelings, and then suddenly maybe things are not going to change and I might just be different than the norm. To say that is a life-changing moment is an understatement. From that point on, it's a secret that you can either fight to keep known only by you, or let out to those around you and hope for the best.
The latter option is the way I chose to go. Dylan Murphy has been my absolute best friend since the day I met him on our first day of learning academy. It was just one of those things where each of us seemed to innately make the other one laugh through a ridiculous joke, sarcastic remark, or just doing something stupid. We always wound up in the same classes, always wound up working on projects with each other, always competed with each other to be the best, academically and physically. It made us both better and more complete people having each other there to push the other.
As we grew older, those feelings started up and the star of a lot of my fantasies was of course Dylan. He has the typical District 4 seaside look- blond hair, tan skin, tall, athletic build, and his most attractive quality to me, his very light blue eyes. His are different than anyone else's I know. I'd on more than one occasion let my eyes linger on his eyes as he talked a little longer than necessary. Either he never noticed or he never decided to say anything about it, I'll never know. Of course, he was not the only guy I would check out. Living in District 4 has the distinct advantage of being warm most of the year, so people are almost always dressing down to be more comfortable in the sun. This provided plenty of eye candy for me to gaze at. I often found myself comparing the faces and bodies of different guys in my class and wondering what was lying underneath the last bits of clothing they had on while they were doing the same for the girls in the class. It was this attraction to Dylan and the others, instead of the girls, that had me questioning myself, and allowed me to realize my true sexuality.
Though he was the person that made me realize my attraction to guys was my preference, he was not the first person I came out to. I was way too scared to lose him as a friend if he did not take it well. It was the person I confided my feelings to about Dylan who was the first person I came out to- my other best friend, Marina. Marina and I met in our first year at the training academy, where the more daring (or some say foolish) children of District 4 go to become better trained tributes so that we can have the best possible chance at winning the Hunger Games. The whole thing had been the brainchild of a couple of the District 4 winners of the Games. Of course training for the Hunger Games is technically illegal, so we don't make a big scene about the academy, calling it an "after-school fitness program." The previous winners use some of their winnings and some of the ship captains use their extra fish to keep the Peacekeepers in good enough graces to turn a blind eye to what we do. Who doesn't like having a winner around after all? Marina and I shared a bond of having over-bearing parents whose expectations we could never live up to, and rotten siblings which we constantly griped to each other about. Over time we shared more about ourselves with each other, like our hopes for our future after leaving academy, our disdain for the Capital, what we'd do if we were ever reaped to compete in the Games, and our love of the water.
The Capital has no official punishment for someone being gay, which is lucky for me I suppose. I guess all they really care about is if the district is meeting its quota of fish. Of course I must admit it's less of a problem for guys than it is for girls since all women in the country are required to have at least two children over the course of their life or be branded a traitor to the country. Apparently many men and women from the war thought they could get back at the Capital by refusing to have children to be put into the Hunger Games. The Capital couldn't have the districts run out of labor, hence the law. So I suppose that even if a woman was attracted to other women, she would still be required to have the children. Like I said though, not a problem for me, though it is still looked down upon since I would not exactly be doing my part to help Panem rebuild its population.
It was a few months after I'd realized and come to terms with the fact that I was gay that I decided I had to have someone I could talk to about all these feelings, and she was the natural choice. While being gay is not exactly a taboo amongst most of the citizens of District 4, some people take exception to it, calling it unnatural and selfish since gay people can't have kids to help carry on their family businesses. This type of mindset is especially common amongst the people that work on the boats, since it's a culture of macho men, and being gay is definitely not macho. She took it very well to say the least. It probably helped that she didn't have that many friends anyways and only a handful of those were girls that she could talk about guys with so I think it was a relief for her to have me to discuss at least one of those topics with. It was with her prodding that I came out to Dylan as well. I can definitely say that was the most nerve-wracking experience of my life up to that point besides every single Reaping Day of my life. I remember exactly how it went too.
It was towards the end of our daily session at training academy. I told Dylan that I wanted to talk to him outside after he was done. I had been training in hand to hand combat while he had been training in swordplay, so I knew he would take longer to get finished up since he had to deal with the mock equipment clean up and all. I nervously waited outside with Marina while he finished inside. I hadn't asked her to be with me for the talk, but I was glad she stayed. The wait for him to come outside was torturous. Over and over in my head I played out the different scenarios for what could happen. Maybe he takes it well and says it's no big deal and things continue like normal like with Marina. Maybe he says it isn't a big deal but he starts to put distance between us with this new revelation. Maybe he outright rejects me and never wants to have anything to do with me ever again. Maybe he returns my feelings. I put the odds of that last one at about one million to one. I muttered obscenities under my breath while Marina just took my hand to help keep me calm. Dylan came out of the building and spotted us and walked over to where we were standing. Marina gave my hand a last comforting squeeze and then took a step back. Looking back I can see why he had looked so confused, what with me standing there looking very uncomfortable and Marina standing there behind me looking like a body guard.
"So uh can you walk with me for a bit Dylan?" I asked.
"Sure Adrian. What did you want to talk about?" he replied. We began walking down towards the beach. It's my favorite place in the world and I figured being there would help calm me down. The repetitive crash of the waves against the sand and the water running over my feet has had a soothing effect on me since I was little. As we walked, Marina walked behind us taking in the conversation.
I took in a deep breath. "There's something I want to tell you. About me. And it's kind of a big deal." I started.
"Okay…." he said slowly.
"I've told myself I want to tell you this for a while now and I'm finally doing it." I took another deep breath and looked at him. The concern on his face was becoming more apparent. "Dylan, I'm gay." I said quickly. I immediately looked down at the sand after saying it, afraid of the reaction to come.
"Oh so you're a homo." he said casually. I looked up at him wide eyed, not knowing what to say at all but feeling my stomach starting to bottom out. "Is that what this was all about?" he asked.
"Uh, well yeah." I said, completely thrown off guard.
"Dude, I've known that for a while now. I mean thanks for finally telling me, but seriously, this is old news I figured out a long time ago." he said, a smirk growing on his face.
I glanced at Marina who looked about as dumbfounded as I must have looked. Dylan started to laugh at the looks our faces. "So what was this, some sort of setup?" he asked. "What were you going to do Marina, beat me up if I didn't go along with it or something?" he asked, looking at her.
"I…I guess?" she said, sheepishly. I knew she would have without a second thought but she was clearly reeling just like I was at how smoothly the big reveal went.
"And you thought I was going to have a problem with it? After everything we've been through together?" he asked, looking at me. He had a slightly hurt expression on his face.
"I had that slight worry, yes. How did you know?" I asked, looking down at the ground again. Was I that obvious? Did everyone in the town know it and just had not said anything? Or was I giving the people of District 4 way too much credit?
"I don't know, just different mannerisms you have. Like the way you talk sometimes reminds me of some of the Capital gay people you see on the television. There's the way you sit with your legs crossed up like them too. And definitely the way you pay much more attention to guys than you do to girls. It's pretty apparent." he explained. I was horrified about how blatantly apparent to him this was. Then I thought about all the times I had spent an unnecessary amount of time looking into his eyes and my horror turned into total embarrassment. Had he known then that I wasn't just paying close attention to his words but was instead getting lost in his eyes?
"Well glad one of us was able to figure it out so easily." I said half-jokingly, half-irritatedly to hide how mortified I was that he might realize I'm into him. I suppose that made his acceptance of this even more amazing.
The amused look on his face turned into a more serious one. "Adrian- for real I am glad you told me. And Marina- I'm glad you've got his back as well. But can we go back to more pressing matters? Like what do we want to do during the Victor's Tour next week…..?"