Author: Angelamermaid
A long time ago, in a desert far far away, a young boy named Owen Hunt was entrusted to the care of two secondary characters. As he grew to be a young man, he longed for adventure away from the hot desert sun, partly because he was bored, but mostly because he was a ginger and needed to slather himself in SPF 65 sunblock before even venturing outside to get the mail. Little did he know that adventure was about to arrive and lead him to his destiny.
Shielding his eyes from the blazing sun overhead, Owen Hunt stepped out into the hot desert sun. He could see a battered transport truck pulled up to their camp, where nurses were negotiating with his uncle about new staff.
"Owen!" Bonnie called out to him from their main tent. "Tell Uncle that we need a resident who can read Latin!"
"Okay!" Owen walked over to the vehicle, where several short nurses were talking with a very handsome black-haired man, that you probably shouldn't get attached to.
"Aunt said to remind you that we need someone who can read Latin," Owen told Dylan, the hot bomb squad guy.
"Hmmm." Dylan looked at the line of recruits, standing in the hot sun. He walked over to a young brunette woman, dressed in golden scrubs, who was drinking from a juice box. "You there. You look alert. Do you know Latin?"
"I'm Lexipedia!" The young woman smiled. "I'm fluent in over twenty languages and-"
"Okay, okay, shut up." Dylan turned to the head nurse. "I'll take that one. And, um, the guy in the sweater."
Denny stepped forward. "Glad to be of service!" He frowned, clutched his chest, and dropped dead.
"What the hell?" Dylan turned back to the head nurse. "What kind of crap is this?"
"He'll come back to life," the nurse informed him. "Just give him a minute."
"Excuse me!" Lexie smiled cheerfully. "May I suggest my friend here? He's kind of a jerk but he makes a great sidekick."
"Sup?" Alex strolled forward, dressed in grubby scrubs.
"He'll do." Dylan turned to Owen. "Take the new kids out back and make sure they bathe."
"What?" Owen whined. "I was going to play soccer with my friends."
"And now you're not."
"Fine." Owen turned to Alex and Lexie. "Follow me."
He led the two newest doctors to his tent, and looked at Alex. "You first. You look like crap."
"We were in a battle!" Lexie chirped. "We escaped because Alex found an escape camel!"
"Aw man! I never get to experience adventure," Owen sighed.
"Yo." Alex handed Owen a DVD, before mumbling something.
"What?"
"He said he needs to report to a Chief Webber," Lexie translated.
"Huh. Maybe this DVD will explain." Owen popped the disc into the nearest player. A breathtakingly beautiful Korean woman, with a cinnamon bun hairstyle and wearing white scrubs, appeared on the monitor. "Whoa. She's smokin' hot. Even with that weird hairdo."
The woman looked into the camera. "Help me Chief Webber, you're my only hope."
"And?" Owen pressed a few buttons, but couldn't play the rest of the recording. He turned around. "Hey, where did Alex go?"
"I don't know," Lexie shrugged. "I was too busy memorizing all of the titles in your porn collection."
"Well, we need to find him. I bet he's looking for Richard Webber, this crazy old doctor who lives in a cave."
Owen and Lexie grabbed the nearest jeep and drove over to Webber's cave, where Alex was drinking a beer.
"Hello Owen," Richard Webber said. "What brings you by?"
"I came for that guy." Owen pointed at Alex. "He said he had to report to a Chief Webber. He gave me part of a message."
"Really?" The Chief looked amused. "I haven't gone by that name in a long time."
"Dude." Alex handed the Chief another DVD.
"What am I supposed to do with this?" The Chief asked Owen. "I don't like modern gadgets, I only have a Betamax videotape player."
"I'll take care of it." Owen pulled out his Swiss Army knife, grabbed the VCR, a roll of duct tape, and a Etch-a-Sketch. Within five minutes, he'd created a working DVD player. He inserted the disc.
The black-haired woman appeared onscreen. "Good day, Chief Webber. My name is Dr Cristina Yang. You were a resident with Ellis Grey and the two of you boinked like crazy. But that's not the point. I was on my way to Seattle Grace to prevent a merger with Mercy West, when my ambulance got hijacked. Darth Teddy is about to take me hostage. I want you to take Alex to Seattle Grace and extract from him the plans to destroy Mercy West. Peace out."
"She's hot," Owen said.
Richard looked at the flame-haired young man. "You know how you're always whining about not getting to go anywhere? You're going to Seattle with me. The Bad Ass Force is with you, Owen. Like it was with your father. Whatshisname."
"Nah, I got to finish the rest of my tour here," Owen retorted.
Richard sighed. "Using the Bad Ass Force, I can tell you that your aunt and uncle were killed in an ambush, so there's nothing tying you to this place. Also – you're a ginger in the desert, man. Don't you want to go where it rains a lot?"
"They're dead?" The young man was stricken. "Why?"
"They were always meant to die," Richard told him kindly. "And are only brought back as ghosts as necessary. Unlike that Denny guy."
Owen's jaw clenched manfully. "Okay, I'll go with you to Seattle and learn the ways of the Bad Ass Force."
oOoOo
In Seattle, they entered Joe's bar. "Hey!" The portly bartender pointed at Alex and Lexie. "We don't serve residents in here."
Alex mumbled a curse while Lexie pulled him outside. Owen turned around and saw Richard talking with a woman with shaggy blonde hair and split ends. He motioned to Owen. "Meredith here is a driver on an ambulance that can get us to Seattle Grace."
They sat down at a table with a blue-eyed man, who had lustrous black hair. "I'm Derek Shepherd, and this is Meredith Grey, my copilot. I hear you're looking for a fast trip to Seattle Grace."
"Yes we are," Richard said. "We need to get there while avoiding the FDA. Owen's got some funky white powder he doesn't want to explain."
"Oh, that's going to cost you," Derek replied. "But I'll get you there. Meet me in the alley out back in 15 minutes."
"Okay." Richard turned to Owen. "Come on, kid." They left.
"Whew!" Derek grinned at Meredith. "With the money we'll make from this job, we can pay off my tab at the hair salon. Go warm up the engine."
Meredith left. Derek tossed back the remainder of his drink and stood up, only to be confronted with a man holding out a curling iron. "Oh hey, Finn."
"Going somewhere, Derek?" They sat down. "You owe a lot of money to the salon and I'm here to collect."
"I don't have it now," Derek protested, letting his right hand slide beneath the table. "But I'll get it soon, Tell Rose to back off."
"Back off? There's a huge bounty on your exquisitely coiffed head. And I aim to earn it."
"Over my dead body." Under the table, Derek activated his specially modified hair dryer, releasing an intense blast of heat. Finn immediately melted into a pile of goo.
Derek tossed a few coins at Joe, and hastily went to the back alley, where Meredith was loading their passengers into the ambulance.
"Who are these two?" He pointed at Alex and Lexie.
"They're with us," Webber said. "Hey, who is that behind you?"
Derek turned and saw Rose running towards him, holding out a heated flatiron. "This is for dumping me, you bastard!"
Hastily, Derek blasted her with his hair dryer, and then shut the back doors of the ambulance. "Meredith! Get us out of here!"
Behind the driver's wheel, Meredith put the pedal to the medal, and the ambulance sped away. Their passengers clung to the gurneys and equipment, as they were tossed around. Grumbling, Derek climbed over them and took the wheel from Meredith at the first red light.
"Are we there yet?" Owen stuck his head into the cab.
"No, there are detours!" Derek frowned. "It's like we're being directed away from Seattle Grace, like we're being forced to go to ..."
"Mercy West!" Chief Webber pointed at the enemy hospital. "They get all of the good cases!"
"How are we going to avoid merging with them?" Owen asked.
oOoOo
The staff at Mercy West cautiously approached the battered ambulance that had been directed into their ambulance bay. Dr Jackson Avery opened the back doors.
"We got an accident victim," Chief Webber announced, stepping out of the ambulance wearing a scrub cap and a mask. He gestured to the gurney, where someone was lying under sheets, while Owen was blowing into a pen that been trached into their neck.
"What?" Jackson looked confused, but pretty. Very, very pretty.
"Out of my way," Richard helped the staff unload the gurney. "Okay move along, move along, nothing to see here. This isn't the patient you're looking for."
Richard and Owen brought the gurney into the hospital, and then immediately pushed it into the first empty exam room they could find. They removed the sheets, revealing Lexie and Alex. Owen pulled out his magic powder and plugged the hole in Lexie's neck. Alex helped Derek and Meredith crawl out from under the gurney.
"Now what?" Derek combed his hair.
"I must find a way to get our ambulance out of the bay, like turning off the lights or something," Richard said. He turned to Owen. "You stay here with the others while I find a way to rewire the ambulance bay."
"Seriously?" Owen looked sceptical. "You don't even know what an iPhone is."
"The Bad Ass Force is with me, and you." He kindly ruffled Owen's red hair. "Take care now."
Bored, Alex hacked into the computer in the room. He mumbled and motioned to Lexie. "Oh look!" She motioned to Owen, "Cristina Yang is here! She's being held in an on call room."
"Really?" Owen looked at the others. "Let's go rescue her!"
"No way," Derek said. "My hair has gurney grease in it and I need to shampoo it. Count me out."
"Okay. You're kind of boring anyways." Owen donned a scrub mask, cap, and gown, then left the room. He skulked along the corridors, until he found the on call room where Cristina Yang was being held. He opened it. She was lying on the floor, with an icicle sticking out of her stomach. She looked up. "Holy crap, your arms are huge! If you weren't an orderly, I'd want to scratch an itch with you."
"I'm not an orderly!" He pulled off his mask. "My name is Owen Hunt and I'm here to rescue you! I came here with Chief Webber!"
"Hot! But I can't leave, not with this." She pointed to the icicle.
Owen assessed the situation. He would have to remove the icicle without anesthetic. Crouching down, he summoned the Bad Ass Force. He made eye contact with Cristina, letting the sexual tension build up between them. Then he pulled out the rapidly melting remnants of the icicle.
"Thanks, although I didn't give you permission to do that." She stared up at him. "However can I thank you?"
"Like this." He bent over and picked her up. Then he carried her to the nearest bed and placed her there. Trembling, he began to kiss her. She responded eagerly, snaking her tongue into his mouth. Their legs began to entangle and ...
"Hey Owen?" Lexie's voice crackled over his pager. "There are a bunch of interns looking for you, and like, Chief Webber is about to duel with Darth Teddy."
Owen frowned. "Darth Teddy?"
"That bitch," Cristina hissed. "She's jealous of how awesome I am so she won't let me scrub in on cardio surgeries."
"Let's go rescue the Chief!" Owen pulled Cristina to her feet and they quickly left the on call room. Dodging the interns, they made their way to the ER, where everyone was watching Richard duel with a woman dressed in black scrubs, head to toe.
"Okay why does everyone think I'm a villain?" Teddy asked Richard, from behind her black scrub mask. "I'm a simple girl, who likes forest creatures, horseback riding, and a professional quality bikini wax. I just want to be loved. Is that so wrong?"
"You're kind of stupid," he replied, waving a glowing light-scalpel. "I mean, seriously, Teddy. It took you how long to realize how hot Henry is?"
"He's not as hot as that guy!" She pointed at Owen. "Is he single? I prefer attaching myself to men who don't want me."
"Shut up already," Richard intoned, lunging at her. Teddy turned towards him and neatly cut him down.
"NOOOOOO!" Owen howled, as Derek and Meredith appeared and dragged him to the ambulance, followed by Cristina, Alex, and Lexie. They all climbed into the back, and Derek sped away.
"There wasn't anything you could do," Cristina told Owen. "And he was like, really old. The important thing is that Alex is safe, and with him, the ability to destroy Mercy West."
They were flung about as the rogue ambulance hit a pothole. The back doors flew open, and Owen and Alex fell out.
"Aw crap." Owen looked at Alex. "Another fine mess."
"Yo." Alex brushed himself off.
"Help you I can." They turned around to see a short woman with a crutch. She was beckoning to them from the shadows of an alley.
"Who are you?" Owen frowned.
That's Master Bailey, a ghostly Richard whispered into Owen's ear. She can teach you in the ways of the Bad Ass Force.
"Oh, okay." Owen and Alex followed Bailey, as she led them through back alleys, into the basement of Seattle Grace. They went into a small boiler room.
"Welcome to the vent you are," she intoned. "Train you, I can."
"It's bad enough that he's mono-syllabic when he's not mute," Owen complained, pointing to Alex. "Do you have to speak like that?"
She rapped him on the knees with her crutch. "Shut up, you fool. Or learn you can not."
oOoOo
Meanwhile, Derek pulled the ambulance into a garage. The owner, a silver haired man, came out and glared at them. "You got some nerve, coming here."
"Hey Mark," Derek said. "You're the one who slept with my wife, I think you owe mea favor."
"True." Mark grinned at Cristina. "Who is this?"
"Don't bother," she rolled her eyes. "Once you go ginger, you don't go back."
"That's what I said when I hooked with Addison!" Mark smirked, before Derek punched him. "Ow!"
"Shut up and help us out," Derek said, helping Mark to stand again. "We're trying to get to Seattle Grace to prevent a merger with Mercy West. We need a safe place where I can repair the clutch."
"Sure, I can help you," Mark smiled widely, teeth gleaming. He beckoned to a dark-haired woman emerging from the shadows. "This is Callie, my friend with benefits. Follow us."
oOoOo
Meanwhile, in the boiler room, Owen was concentrating hard, as he used the Bad Ass Force to levitate a bored Alex over the vent.
"Not bad you are," Bailey said. "Now, the Force you will use, to meditate. Upside down."
"Okay." Owen did a handstand, his scrub top falling down to reveal his abs. Fangirls everywhere began to squee.
"I see ... Cristina ..." Owen said. "She's getting hit on by a schmuck. And Derek ... is going to dinner with Meredith and Cristina and the schmuck ... and Darth Teddy is there!" He fell down. "I have to go rescue them!"
"Ready you are not," Bailey informed him. "Complete your training, you must!"
"No, no, I can do it! Come on, Alex!" Owen flung open the door and left, followed by Alex.
Ghost!Richard appeared before Bailey. "Well that sucked. Owen was our last hope."
Bailey shook her head. "No. There is another."
"What, like a secret twin sister?" Ghost!Richard shook his head. "How cliche. And I suppose it's Cristina?"
"Creepy that would be, even for Seattle Grace," Bailey replied.
oOoOo
Deep in the bowels of Mark's garage, orderlies dragged Derek into the dirty back room where Meredith was being held. He collapsed on the floor. She rushed over to him, the orderlies left and locked the door.
"What happened?" She gestured to his hair, now a dishevelled mess.
"It was awful," he told her. "They washed my hair with this cheap stuff from Wal-Mart. Then they didn't even condition it, before they let an eight year old cut it with dull scissors."
They looked up as Lexie and Cristina were flung into the room. "Nice hair," Cristina smirked.
Mark strode into the room. "Okay, Darth Teddy got here before you did, Derek. They were going to break my penis if I didn't co-operate. Sorry."
"You suck," Derek told him.
"Yeah, I know." Mark sighed. "Anyways, come with me. We're going to the county morgue conveniently located next door. Darth Teddy is going to turn you into an ice cube to lure some ginger kid here."
"Owen!" Cristina sat up straighter. "I should gussy up for him!" Swiftly, she took her hair out of her buns and began to braid it.
"And then what will happen?" Meredith asked Mark.
"Once he's been turned into a bag of frozen peas, he's going to be given to Rose." Mark winced. "Sorry dude."
OooOo
In the morgue, Meredith fought with the orderlies as they tried to strap Derek onto a slab.
"Stop it Meredith!" He shouted at her. "You need to stay alive! Don't go drowning in the harbor when I'm a popsicle, okay?"
"Okay," she sobbed, before kissing him one more time. "I love you."
"I know," he said, as the orderlies pulled them apart.
"And I really love you," Meredith told Cristina. "I feel that ours is the truest relationship ever and we're each other's person."
"WHAT?" Derek stared soulfully at Meredith, until his slab was pushed into the containing wall. Seconds later, he was frozen solid, as blue as his own eyes.
"No offense," Cristina replied. "But Owen works out and kisses like a god and I really loves me some scorching ginger whisker burn. You and I are just friends."
"I'll keep you and Owen apart!" Darth Teddy declared. "Mark, take everyone out to the stable, so they can ride away with me."
"What?" Mark pouted. "I thought they were going to stay here with me. I bet Cristina's handy with a blowtorch."
"Can you teach mehow to use a blowtorch?" Lexie asked Mark, as he led them away.
As they were being escorted down a corridor, Cristina spotted Owen off to the side. He pulled out a modified nerf gun and shot at the orderlies.
"No, Owen, it's a trap!" Cristina yelled.
"So?" He shouted back, before slipping away.
They exited into a dark alley. Alex was busily hacking into a laptop. "Dudes."
Mark turned and started punching the orderlies. Callie emerged from the shadows and helped him subdue their captors. Soon, the orderlies were tied up.
"Thanks Callie," Mark told the woman. "Wanna do it?"
"Alex, can you hack into the Greater Seattle Traffic Management System and help us reach Seattle Grace?" Cristina asked. He grunted something incomprehensible.
"He said 'sure'," Lexie translated. "And I'll have sex with you, Mark."
"What about Derek?' Meredith wailed.
"I suppose we should rescue him from Rose along the way," Cristina mused. "And hopefully Owen will use the Bad Ass Force to catch up with us somehow."
oOoOo
Owen found his way into the morgue, where Darth Teddy strode forward, black cape fluttering behind her.
"At last we meet," she said. "Richard never told you what happened to your father, did he?"
"Yeah, I've given up on ever finding out who he is," Owen said. "Everyone else gets a dad, but notme."
Darth Teddy moved closer. "Owen ... I am your father."
"No!" Owen shouted. "That's impossible!"
"Search your feelings, you know it to be true."
"Search the Internet and look up anatomy," Owen replied. "You're a chick, you can't be my dad. Unless you're one of those shemales?"
"I love you," she declared. "Leave Cristina and join me. We can get rid of the Emperor and rule the hospital together!"
"I'll never join you!" Owen shouted.
"If you're not with me, you're against me." She lashed out with her light-scalpel and wounded Owen's forehead.
"That's going to leave a scar," he muttered, as he stumbled away. Teddy tried to follow him, but stepped on her cape and fell backwards.
Barely able to see through the blood, Owen tried to find his way outside. He used the Bad Ass Force to reach out to Cristina, who was in the back of Derek's ambulance, speeding away.
"Turn right at the next corner!" She shouted at Mark, who was behind the wheel. "Owen needs us!"
"No!" He yelled back. "I want to be the hottest guy in this ambulance!"
Cristina pulled out a scalpel. "Do it or you won't be able to indiscriminately father children with your multiple friends with benefits."
Mark turned the corner and they sped back. They found Owen slumped in an alley, and shoved him into the ambulance. Meredith drove away, while Mark stitched up Owen's forehead wound.
"Could you try not to hit every pothole?" Cristina shouted at Meredith. "And where are we going?"
"We're going to Rose's Palace to rescue Derek!"
"A Palace?"
"That's the name of the hair salon she bought, after Derek dumped her for me."
They parked a block away from the hair salon. "Anyone got a plan?" Mark asked.
"This is what we'll do," Owen said. "Meredith will allow herself to be captured and imprisoned, while Mark joins the salon as the new shampoo guy. I'll give Alex and Lexie to Rose as a gift. Cristina will find and defrost Derek, but they'll probably be captured and Cristina will have to wear this skimpy gold bikini. Then I'll show up and let myself be captured too and Rose will take us to the harbor and try to throw us in, and I'll be super awesome as I use the Bad Ass Force to free us. Ready?"
"Or you could just use the Bad Ass Force to go in there and rescue Derek, while we take care of Rose and her guards?" Cristina suggested.
"That works."
Within half an hour, they were speeding away in the direction of Seattle Grace, while a dazed Derek let Meredith blow dry his hair in the back.
Once they got to Seattle Grace, Owen quietly slipped away to the Vent, with Cristina. She looked around the dirty room. "What is this place?"
"Anything can here happen, out of place, out of time," Master Bailey intoned.
"So we can make out?" Cristina grabbed Owen and they began to kiss passionately, as blasts of hot air made their scrubs flutter.
Bailey hit them with her crutch. "Important information, have I."
Ghost!Richard materialized. "Owen, we will never know who exactly your father is, or even what your mother's first name is, much to the frustration of the fanfiction writers, but it turns out that you have a twin sister!"
"Whoa." Owen looked intense. "I sense ... she ... likes va-jay-jays."
A perky blonde woman skated out of the shadows. "Hi bro! I'm Arizona!" They hugged.
"This is bizarre," Cristina correctly observed. "Anyways, Master Bailey, we came here so Owen can complete his Bad Ass Force training and conquer Darth Teddy and the Emperor."
"Ready is he," she intoned. "Die of really old age, I must."
"Take care now!" Owen waved as Bailey began to disappear.
"Okay, let's go join everyone in the Pit and figure out how we're going to destroy Mercy West," Cristina said. They made their way upstairs, where Derek was boring everyone with a speech written on post-it notes.
"Hey everyone!" Owen shouted. "I have a twin sister!" Arizona smiled and waved as she skated around the lobby.
"Now let's go to Radiography," Cristina said. "So we can extract the floor plans of Mercy West from Alex and plan our attack."
oOoOo
As the MRI machine scanned Alex, blueprints of Mercy West appeared onscreen.
"Here's what we'll do," Owen decided. "Cristina, Derek, Meredith, Lexie, and Alex will go up to the roof and climb down through this garbage chute here. Your goal is to knock out the power and emergency generators. Mark, Callie and Arizona will enter through the ambulance bay and plant bombs in the operating rooms."
He paused, and looked distant, the MRI screens illuminating his noble, scarred profile. "And I ... I will face Darth Teddy and defeat her, once and for all."
"Then I'd better kiss you ... for luck," Cristina said, taking him by the hand. They quickly disappeared into a supply closet ...
oOoOo
Several hours later, Derek grumbled as they crawled their way through the Mercy West garbage chute. "Do you know how long it's going to take me to shampoo out this 'wonderful' smell?"
"Do you know that you can't go five minutes without talking about your hair?" Cristina retorted.
"Actually, he averages 8 minutes and 15 seconds between mentioning his follicles," Lexipedia chirped. "The odds are -"
"Never tell me the odds!" Derek snapped. They came to an intersection in the chute. "Which way do we go?"
"Straight ahead," Lexie said. "We should go quickly, to avoid those orderlies off to the right that are about to shoot at us."
"I'll divert them!" Cristina crawled off to the left, and quickly regretted her decision, as she started to slide down a ramp. Cursing, she ended up in the laundry room.
"Hi!" A short woman walked over. "Can I help you?"
"I must have hit my head," Cristina groaned. "You sound like Lexie 2.0 only without the walking brain."
"I have checklists!" She beamed. "My name is April Kepner and I was born on this planet full of prairies. I have two parents and three sisters and please don't shoot me!"
"I'm not going to shoot you ... yet. Do you know where the power generators are?"
"Sure! It's on my checklist of 'How to Show a Rebel the Secret Back Door'."
"Let's go."
oOoOo
Mark, Callie and Arizona stealthily made their way through Mercy West, disguised as Housekeeping personnel.
"So, you're Owen's long-lost sister?" Callie asked Arizona.
"It would have been really icky if his twin was Cristina," the blonde woman smiled. "And where else would I have fit into this story? I like your bangs."
"Thank you! I love your hair too. I have a thing for blondes."
"You know, it could take us a while to get to the ORs," Mark observed. "You think maybe the three of us could explore an on-call room together?"
"Ew." Arizona made a frowny face. "I'm from the planet Lesbos."
"I thought you looked like a Lesbian!" Callie's eyes sparkled. "I've been on some expeditions to your planet if you know what I mean." She winked.
Mark sighed. "Could I at least watch?"
oOoOo
Darth Teddy strode forward to greet Owen, who was being escorted by orderlies. "The Emperor is waiting for you," she told him. "Also, I don't love you anymore. I'm unringing that bell."
"You're not making any sense," Owen complained, as he accompanied Teddy to the Chief's office.
They approached the Emperor, who was standing and looking outside at Seattle. Slowly, the figure turned around and pulled down her hood, revealing an angry blonde woman.
"Huh," Owen said. "Totally thought you were going to be Burke."
"I am Dr Erica Hahn," the woman hissed. "I'm going to destroySeattle Grace. They let interns steal body parts and keep their jobs. Plus, Cristina Yang is going to eclipse me as a Cardio Goddess if I don't get rid of her."
Angry, Owen pulled out his light-scalpel and activated it. "I won't let you hurt Cristina!" Owen declared. "She is the woman I love!"
"You're sure about that?" Teddy asked. "I think you have feelings for me and-"
"SHUT! UP!" Owen turned on Teddy, swinging his scalpel wildly. She activated her own light-scalpel, and they began to duel.
"Yes..." Erica's eyes gleamed. "Get rid of him, and then we'll take out Yang."
"I'll never let you hurt her!" Owen vowed. With one stroke, he managed to cut off Teddy's right hand.
"Hey, you're pretty handy with a scalpel," Erica observed. "I'd offer you a job at Mercy West, but I'm about to kill you." She waved, and lightning shot out of her fingertips, surrounding Owen and causing him great pain.
"Don't ... kill him!" Teddy gasped. She used her remaining energy to summon the Force and choke Erica until she died.
"Wow Teddy," Owen gasped. "Thanks for saving my life. I still choose Cristina."
"Eh, I'm going to die now anyways." She collapsed. "Take off my scrub mask so we can say a proper goodbye?"
He made a face. "I'm not going to kiss you. Ever."
"Aw crap." Her eyes rolled up in the back of her head and she died.
Hearing the sounds of explosions, Owen immediately jumped up and ran, trying to leave Mercy West before it was destroyed within. He leaped over confused orderlies and commandeered a gurney, using the Bad Ass Force to propel himself to safety, out into the parking lot.
"Owen!" Cristina ran to him and hugged him. "We did it! We destroyed Mercy West and prevented the merger!"
"The Emperor and Darth Teddy are both dead," he told her. "Now there is nobody holding you back from being the Cardio Goddess that you are destined to be."
"What about you? What are you going to do?"
"Me?" Owen grinned. "I'm going to join Seattle Grace. You and I will bring order to the hospital."
"Let's go to the Vent and 'celebrate'!" Her eyes sparkled lasciviously.
Overwhelmed with emotion, Owen grabbed Cristina and kissed her hard, shoving her against the nearest wall. They lost themselves in the sensations of lips and teeth and tongues, while sirens wailed all around them.
"Uh hello?" Derek walked up, holding hands with Meredith. "Need a lift back to Seattle Grace?"
Owen nodded and turned to look at the burning embers of Mercy West one more time. One by one, ghosts began to appear. Ghost!Richard, Ghost!Bailey, and Ghost!Teddy all waved at him, wishing him well.
"Even when she's dead, she won't go away," he sighed. Hearing that, Ghost!Bailey turned and hit Ghost!Teddy with her ghostly crutch.
"Huh?" Cristina looked puzzled.
"Nothing." Owen smiled and took Cristina's hand. "Let's go to the Vent."
And so they lived happily ever after. Until Shonda Rhimes decided to rewrite it all, so Finn shot first, Jar Jar Izzie started getting all of the airtime, and Ghost!Teddy became the coroner, so that she would never, ever, go away.