I'm such a bitch.

I think most of all that I love about this particular story is Yusuke's Alcohol Dictionary. It implies a lot about each character and what Yusuke really thinks about them (hahahahahahahahah Shrekarita) and it just shows how much thought he's put into it (and how much of an alcoholic he is). I love Hiei's the best. All the drink information is credited to Urban Dictionary or AKA Urban Dictionary . Com (without the spaces). I tried to make it like I wanted it to come out. But I feel like my writing was just forced towards the end. And the OC, I guess isn't really that much of an OC since she was modeled after Komatsu Nana from the anime NANA. She just has a completely different personality. Sort of. Anyway, go photobucket her if you want to know what she really looks like. WOW. I have no imagination. I suck. I thoroughly suck. Anyway. Hopefully the story's plot will unveil itself sooner or later.

Summary: He twitched at seeing the dead body carelessly strewn over the back of her stolen moped. She seemed a little shocked herself that it had landed there, the dim light accentuating her eyebrows which had shot to the top of her head, "Damn Hiei. Here I am hoping for a miracle, and all he's got on his mind is blowing everyone up."

Pairings: Hiei/OC, Yusuke/OC

What you SHOULD be listening to during this song: "The Electioneer" By Radiohead. It really sets the mood.

…………………………………………………………..

The Electioneer

As someone great once said, "Never kill a fucking snake because, and I swear to fucking God, its best friend will come back to finish the job." It is high time someone took heed to that advice.

The heat outside was sweltering to the point of mirages appearing in the middle of the city, deterring traffic and causing all sorts of hell. A young woman stuck her head out the window of a faded tan '78 Camero watching a taxi cab driver argue with a pregnant woman, whose boobs were the size of grapefruits, which route was the fastest to the hospital. She screamed a threat that sounded something like, "If you don't make a left up here I swear to god I will give birth on your goddamn face! NOW GET ME TO THE HOSPITAL OR I'LL HAVE MY HUSBAND WHO IS A PROFESSIONAL MURDERER AND HAS A LISCENCE TO KILL ASSASSINATE YOU!" Clearly everyone was a little frustrated with the traffic jams coupled with 108 degree weather. But nothing Japan couldn't handle.

"Did you see that Arab guy just pull a knife on a pedestrian?" Avery grinned at her friend who was leaning out the window, "'Cause I just did."

"I always guessed Japan wouldn't have so many psychos living here," her friend replied lazily as she fanned herself with a stained Dairy Queen napkin.

"You'd be wrong." Avery muttered to herself, "I've only lived here a year and seen so much shit, it'd be a ticket straight to hell if I repeated any of it."

Avery wrenched her hand into her pocket and pulled out a pack of Marlboros. She moved her hand to offer her friend some but she shook her head.

"I don't like that kind," her companion scrunched her nose and made a face out the window, "They taste like sharp peppermint."

The buildings were towering over the car, casting it in shadows, but only giving it minimal heat relief. Avery's air conditioner was obviously broken, her friend dully noted as she felt a small spark of irritation: Jank piece of shit, she thought. She dragged a sweaty hand through her hair and closed her eyes trying to block out the smoke hijacking all the oxygen in the cramped car. What she wouldn't give for a small ice storm to come tearing through the miserable city and give her at least some comfort. Her anxiety spiked as the heat did, she never did like anything too hot.

Avery took a deep drag of her cigarette, leaned back against her seat lazily, then slammed her fist on the horn spurring a whole symphony of honks behind her and smirked to her left at her friend, "That's because they're completely unfiltered. There's a chemical they put in it that makes it this way. A lot of people like it; you're just a baby."

"That's not true. I don't even smoke, anyway!"

"Then how do you know what they taste like?" Avery raised a malicious eyebrow and checked for the shotgun beneath her seat for the umpteenth time.

Her friend's eyes followed her lazily, "Wild streak. I was young and I thought I was in charge of myself. Avery, please stop freaking me out with that gun. The last time I saw you, you were pretending to be a prostitute who had once been a duchess but gambled all her money away; so you tried to cut my jugular and steal 20 dollars, back then you referred to yourself as Dauphin. I'd really not like a repeat."

Avery snorted and stared at the traffic ahead of them, "I just met you two hours ago, how could that have happened? By the way I didn't get your name,"

"It's Nana." Nana sighed and ducked her head in defeat. No use trying to get Avery out of this delusion.

"Nana?"

"Nana."

"N-a-na."

"Yes. Nana."

"Well. I wasn't expecting that."

"Pft. What were you expecting?"

"I don't know something a little more pretty." Avery shrugged and let the cigarette dangle between her lips.

"What's wrong with my name?!" Nana huffed and looked out the window. She had (in actuality) had this conversation with "Avery" many times before. Each time she met Avery under a new alias. Nana usually ended up in a life threatening situation each time as well. But when wasn't she?

"Nothing, I guess it kinda suits you. But, you look more like a princess to me and Nana just doesn't sound like a princess name. You look more like an Isabella or a Mary."

"Well, good. 'Cause I'm not a princess." Nana sighed, thoroughly exasperated.

"I'm not as convinced, your majesty,"

Nana laughed and grinned brazenly back out the window watching the cab driver argue with preggo. Maybe they had been arguing for too long or something because suddenly the baby decided to make its bloody show. Just as that was happening the Telephone Company behind them exploded in a burst of fire with ruble flying everywhere. The taxi cab driver had completely forgotten about the vagina being torn to shreds in his cab and was now gaping open mouthed at the burning building. The woman was more focused in on what was going down between her legs.

That baby is going to have a helluv a legacy to live up to, Nana thought blankly.

The fire was spreading to the building next to it, which seemed to be a bistro of some kind. People were running screaming out of the restaurant and some were running around to help the injured. The Arab stopped a moment from his mugging patrol and stole a look at the commotion. The muggee lay on the ground unbelievingly.

"Ewe," Nana leaned back in the car, "I just saw a woman give birth."

"That's the human world for you. Completely behind in technological advances, not to mention manners," Avery slammed her hand on the horn again as someone tried to cut them off the intersection, "ASSHOLE!"

Nana looked sideways out of her eyes at Avery; "Was that you?" she was referring to the catastrophe behind them. Avery cackled and without sufficient warning, rammed into the car ahead of them flashing a smile that just screamed crazy.

"All the way."

That was when Nana casually slipped out the window and hoofed it through the crowds to find the train, praying the whole while she still had that 20 in her purse. Or Genkai would be pissed she was late.

…………………………………………..

Yusuke was contemplating just killing himself when he heard Kurama's footsteps behind him. He shifted his weight to his right side and gave him a scrutinizing glare. Kurama was wearing his brown leather jacket and white pants; no doubt that was a black undershirt showing under his collar. His hair was still as fiery as ever, yet still just as stubbornly controlled. His expression was that of sympathy mixed with guilt with a dash of cool calm. Stirred, not shaken. That's one hell of a drink. Probably laced with arsenic, Yusuke thought. Unlike Kurama, Yusuke was never stirred: always shaken. Lately he had taken to associate everyone with a distinct drink, since that had become his favorite pass time. Besides beating the shit out of anything that he could. Yusuke considered himself just plain Budweiser beer. Nothing fancy like the "Martini Kurama".

"What." He snapped, "Kinda trying to have a private moment with my fiancé, thank you."

Kurama's eyes flicked to the grave stone for a brief moment before returning back to Yusuke, "I'm sorry, Yusuke. However, it's important that we all meet. A telephone company was bombed this morning. The word from Koenma is that we should do a thorough investigation, the scene is crawling with demonic energy."

"Fuck Koenma," Yusuke offered halfheartedly, "I'm going to kill whatever bastard screwed my day up."

Kurama offered a small smile and bowed slightly to Keiko's grave, then turned and headed out of the gravesite. Yusuke took a long look at his deceased fiancé and then followed after Kurama.

It had only been a year since he came back, only to find the love of his life had waited herself to death for him. Literally. She was hit by a car 4 months before he got back and died in the hospital. Her left lung was punctured and all the bones in her right half from the neck down were shattered. He had seen the pictures and vomited soon after. He had seen plenty of mangled dead bodies before, so he wondered why he had such a reaction. But he had never seen Keiko's mangled dead body, he reminded himself. There had been so much blood, she didn't even remotely resemble the angel she was. Bleeding red wine. So that was what he thought of her as. She was only eighteen. The pictures were so exact. Succinct enough to kill.

When Kurama and Kuwabara had told him, at first he didn't believe it and took it as Kuwabara trying to get back at him. It wasn't a joke. He demanded to see Koenma. He wanted to beat that toddler to a bloody pulp. How could he have let anything like this happen?! Couldn't they just revive her? Well. They couldn't. Botan had told him that she escorted Keiko herself over to the other side. Keiko didn't even protest. Her only word was his name, and she then seemed at peace. He only took cases, stopped taking care of himself and stopped speaking unless it was a curse here or a curse there. He murdered every demon that he got the chance to. But that was only the first five months, then he managed to calm somewhat and try to do his job a little decently. He moved in full time at Genkai's and trained until he dropped almost everyday. Then he decided instead of killing spree's which did nothing to help him forget Keiko, he decided to let out his anger then drink himself away into a pitiful hole.

Ha-ha. Win- Win situation.

More often than not he woke up to stained sheets and would forget to shower for days. The old hag would rag him until he couldn't take it anymore and just locked himself in the shower with a bottle of whatever he was drinking at the time, asking the same question over and over again.

If she was the only thing that was worth living in this world: then what was he still doing here?

"Where are we meeting?" Yusuke asked once they got onto the sidewalk.

Kurama answered smoothly, "At the scene, however I have a feeling that we'll most likely run into one of them before we get there."

Yusuke groaned and rolled his shoulder, "Let me guess, the shrimp?"

"Hiei noticed some demonic activity near here and went to check it out." They both made a left and picked up their pace.

"Surprised he's even here, what with him up Mukuro's ass every second of the day." Yusuke yawned and put his arms behind his head as Kurama laughed quietly.

"Don't be too jealous, Yusuke. It's very unbecoming."

Yusuke shot Kurama a chaffed look and scoffed to the side obnoxiously.

"You know, it wasn't too long ago where I was the one cracking gay jokes at you and Hiei, somehow our roles have been reversed."

"Hiei's has stayed the same." Kurama offered.

"It always does." Yusuke grumbled back moodily.

…………………………………….

Hiei stalked up with no remorse on his features for the kill he just made, only emptiness and his usual brooding eyes. They had found him slaughtering some demon who tried to make a swipe at him over by a random adjacent building.

Yusuke was the first to greet him, "Hey twerp,"

Hiei was classified as something ruthless, but still with some class. Burns down the throat like acid fire, maybe a nice after taste when he's in a good mood: Obviously Goldshlager. Good days on the rocks: Bad days straight.

"Shut up, you pathetic excuse for a detective," came the curt reply.

Yusuke bristled, "God I would kill for a beer right now," he groaned.

Hiei sneered as he walked past, "Don't you always?"

Yusuke pretended not to notice the jab at his substance abuse.

"Go fuck yourself," he muttered under his breath as he trailed behind.

The rest of the walk to the scene consisted of Kurama and Hiei's low murmurs about the new case. Yusuke pretended not to notice them and strolled ahead. Of course they wouldn't let anyone in on their plans until they were fucking air tight sealed. Yusuke tried not to make a left towards the direction of one of his favorite bars, which he just knew was there waiting for him. He could practically smell the Cosmopolitans calling his name.

"Yusuke" It sang, "Come over and drink me you lame alcoholic."

He ground his teeth and squared his shoulders, steering himself forward with every ounce of his will power. He would not run in and order a dry martini and eat the olives like they were his last meal on earth. He would not abandon this mission to swim in a pool of sweet intoxication with a bottle of Scotch dangling in his right hand and a Bloody Mary clutched in his right. He felt a tingle in his throat.

Fuck, he was so thirsty. His eyes rammed to the side and watched as he walked by his final chance to feel heaven. He slammed his eyes shut and stuffed his hands in his jacket's pockets.

"You know you want to" It echoed in the distance.

God Damnit! He inwardly cursed and shuffled forward with more force than necessary.

They met up with Kuwabara who was swathed in shopping bags. Shizuru stood near by lighting up. Yusuke's mind shifted into alcohol mode. Kuwabara was in essence synonymous with a Shrekarita. Ridiculous, but has potential to fuck you up in the end. The perfect match.

"Hey! Where have you guys been? I've been standing here forever!" Kuwabara yelled and waved his arms around, jostling the bags.

"Calm down, little brother. They probably had something better to do." Shizuru exhaled a small cloud and flicked her brother's shoulder. Yusuke glanced at her. He wanted to say Shizuru was a Captain Morgan type of gal, but he could never really be sure. She was that drink he could never really place. He just knew it was a drink that went well with a box of squares in hand.

"Then how come I wasn't invited?!"

"Because you suck."

"Fuck you, Urameshi!"

Kuwabara raised his fists thinking of fighting even with all those bags. Shizuru stopped him before he could embarrass himself too much, though. He scoffed to the side and muttered something unintelligible that no one actually took notice of.

"So, where's Botan?" Kuwabara asked, looking around, "I thought she'd be with you."

"She was, but she seemed in a hurry to get back to Koenmas." Kurama answered, "This must be very important. Have you sensed anything?"

Before Kuwabara answered, Yusuke's mind wandered to why Botan, walking Pina Colada, needed so desperately to speak with Koenma, the Appletini of the after life. Maybe it was personal. Yusuke always suspected they were sneaking around, getting freaky while the ogres were out.

Kuwabara's face took on an uneasy look, "Well… Yeah, actually."

Kuwabara's facial expression drew Yusuke out of his inner monologue. His face was contorted in to this anxiety ridden frustration. His eyes were staring at the ground like he was trying to solve a math problem, but never studied the material that was supposed to help.

"Well," Hiei snapped, always the impatient one, "What did you find?"

Kuwabara hesitated, "Well, you see, that's the thing..."

Kurama listened more intently, as did Yusuke.

"The energy that I sensed around this place… It didn't seem natural. Like, okay, what I mean is, it didn't seem like just a demon." Kuwabara seemed to be struggling for words. Hiei's head snapped up from where he was staring at the dirt and Yusuke narrowed his eyes.

"What do you mean?" Kurama asked, imploringly. His eye brows were pulled down into a contemplating look.

"It just seemed… Crazy. Like, nutso! Psychotic. Really unstable. It wasn't particularly strong or menacing… just…like the person belonged in a mental institute. They didn't even bother to hide their energy or anything. They just left a really obvious trail, and I know it's not a trick because-well this person is way too crazy to think of anything that well thought out." Kuwabara looked up at Yusuke to see what the orders were.

Yusuke's left arm was twitching (probably from withdrawal), and he seemed in deep thought. His blue jeans had some dirt on the knees, which was an instant tip to what he had been doing before this. Kuwabara felt a pang of guilt, knowing that this ass hole demon had disturbed Yusuke's time with Keiko, which in Kuwabara's world was unforgiveable. Everyone knew Yusuke had taken her death hard. Kuwabara wondered if Yusuke had hit the bar yet today and contemplated going as an escort.

Yusuke tugged at his white t-shirt and looked determinedly in Kuwabara's eyes, in no mood for beating around the bush.

"So what are we lookin at here?" Yusuke asked in a low voice.

"They went east," Kuwabara answered.

"So then let's go get him," Hiei offered snappily.

"Wait- first, why did they blow up a telephone company?" Yusuke asked, confusedly.

"Maybe they didn't feel like paying their bills," Shizuru said offhandedly.

Everyone shot her a shocked look.

"What?" She shrugged, "If I was as crazy as Kazuma said this jerk was and I had crazy demonic powers, I wouldn't want to pay my bills so I'd probably do the same thing."

"Shut up, sis! Let the real detectives do the thinking, you're only here 'cause you made me carry your bags." Kuwabara sputtered.

"Well if you're here, then I'd say that constitutes her being here as well," Hiei muttered.

"What was that you tiny punk?! Are you trying to say that I'm not a real detective?!"

"Well, technically Yusuke is the only real detective here." Came the brisk answer.

Kuwabara and Hiei engaged in a stare down. Hiei's hand drifted down to the hilt of his sword and Kuwabara stepped down.

"Jeez Shorty, always so temperamental," he muttered.

"Guys, lets get back on topic, okay?" Yusuke demanded, "We need a course of action. If he went east, then lets go after him."

"Now?"

"Now."

They all gave Yusuke's blind drive for headstrong fighting a dry stare.

"Let's think about this, Yusuke," Kurama reasoned, "Lets go back to Genkai's and come up with a better plan and wait for Botan to come back with more information."

Yusuke thought it over and shrugged. Well, he did want at least two beers before doing anything sooo… "All right lets go," then he took off towards the train station, the gang following behind. Yusuke smirked for a split second at Kuwabara's faint attempts to get Shizuru not to come along.

"Go home, sis! This is dangerous stuff!"

"Shut up, Kazuma."

……………………………….

They had just survived the long train ride of near silence. Near silence to Kuwabara's constant need to flap his jaws. Yusuke had tried to tune him out after a while and immersed himself in his thoughts. He thought of Genkai and his mind wandered back the bar he had passed. He was wishing he had just made the turn and gone right in. Maybe stayed the night. Genkai was like a Bloody Mary. Especially when she was kicking his ass. Then he thought of the small Ice Apparition who was staying with her, who was coincidentally Hiei's sister: Yukina. Now she was a hard drink to place, it took him a little over a week to finally get it right. Yukina in all her glory was a Mojito. Dead center, right on, oh yeah, a Mojito. Yusuke thought it was quite fitting, but then he found himself guilty for thinking of someone who was so innocent as a popular bar drink. If Hiei ever looked into his mind at a brief alcoholic moment, then he was so dead.

"Hey, Urameshi-,"

"Can it, Kuwabara."

"Why is everyone always telling me to be quiet!?"

"Hn. Because you're annoying."

"Shut up Hiei!"

The fire apparition glared disdainfully at the hulky red head. One thing Hiei hated, which everyone knew, was talking. Unless it was him doing the talking (that never happened often), he usually did not appreciate conversation. If it was intellectual, then he could tolerate it. Since Kuwabara was far from intelligent or tolerable, he was in the red.

"Listen you oaf, one more word and you won't have any legs," That shut Kuwabara up.

The train had come to a halt and everyone shuffled off, Kuwabara with difficulties ("why couldn't we just take these shopping bags home!?!" – "Because I wanted to show Yukina, Kazuma. Now shut up!"). It was about 7:30pm and the sun was setting, casting the land in reds and oranges. Hiei glanced up ahead as he noticed something out of the ordinary. What in the world- he thought as he stopped walking. He was focused in on something he thought he would never encounter. The scent reached him and he subconsciously shrank back into himself. Smells like cheap perfume, his nose wrinkled and he tried to get a whiff of something other than that.

The rest were all walking down a hill on the path when they all noticed Hiei's attention up ahead. Kurama noticed Hiei stop and wondered what the hold up was.

"Hiei?" Kurama asked, they all stopped and looked ahead. Then Kurama smelled it, "it smells like… A department store."

"What the heck?" Kuwabara shouted, almost hysterically, and pointed at the scene "What is that about?!?!"

Yusuke turned and his eyes widened at the sight before him.

What the fuck…?

She was standing in front of a shrine and was leaned over a something. Her skin was normal enough color. Her hair dangled in front of her face as she moved her hands across her thighs dusting them off. He completely missed the lump of skin lying on the ground next to her. She was very plain, if not a little too girly. Nothing too eye catching except her expensive looking clothes. But that seemed about it.

At first when he glimpsed her he thought she was a champagne kind of girl. Way too into herself it looked like. A round face, light auburn hair that just barely swept past her shoulders, pouty lips, pearl earrings, cutesy red dress with white strappy stilettos. But then he saw her eyes and his thoughts immediately darted to the only thing she could ever be.

"Hey," She drawled in a lazy voice, warm liquid brown eyes shining in the setting sun, "Do any of you know how to hide a dead body?"

Jesus Christ, he thought.

Bourbon on the rocks.

……………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………..

Yusuke's liquor dictionary:

Yusuke: Beer (Budweiser). . 1) Bland, flavorless alcohol delivery system that sells because of advertising. See also Zima, Wonder Bread, and Hamburger Helper.

"Don't tell me how good my beer is, okay? I know how good my beer is, because I'm the one who buys it, okay? When Bonnie goes to the store to buy beer, she buys Budweiser. When I drink my beer I want to taste it."

2) The cause of and solution to all life's problems!

-via Homer J. Simpson

Nana: Bourbon on the rocks. 1) American whiskey made in Kentucky, not necessarily in Bourbon County (one of my favorites is made in Woodford county). Some say the limestone in the water in Kentucky gives the bourbon a distinctive taste. US Congress declared bourbon "America's Native Spirit" and its official distilled "spirit" in 1964.

2) The best drink if you feel like "gettin red" and you're a poor soul that can't get any moonshine.

"Baby, this bourbon makes you look HOT!!"

In order to do a good rebel yell, you first have to lubricate your throat with a healthy dose of bourbon.

"It's not the shoes, it's the bourbon."

Keiko: Wine. A beverage made from the fermented juice of various kinds of grapes. Contains 10-15 percent alcohol by volume.
Nectar of the gods...

Wine- Merlot, Chianti, Zinfandel, Bourdeaux, Cabernet.

Kurama: Martini. 1.) A cocktail made with gin and vermouth and served with an olive

"Am I drinking too many martinis? Last week they found an olive in my urine sample."

2.) An alcoholic Irish heavy metal comedy badass with split personality disorder

In The Departed. "Matt Damon was a total martini in the departed."

Hiei: Goldshlager. (n)- Cinnamon schnapps liqueur (40%) with gold flakes. Rapid consumption results in inebriation and eventual disorientation which eventually leads to unconsciousness. Upon consciousness, causes one to realize they are in someone else's bed in A/B with their pants 1/2 off. At this point, friends help one up and one proceeds with puking. Then there is more disorientation, eventually leading to another state of unconsciousness. Later the next morning, it is realized that stolen furniture polish was thrown out one's window.

Yukina: Mojito. A Bacardi Rum drink made with spearmint leaves, rum, fizz water and ice. "Bartender, Gimme a Mojito...and yeah I ain't gay but I like my Mojito."

Kuwabara: Shrekarita: A strawberrymargarita in a collectors' edition McDonald's Shrek-the-Third cup complete with green venti-sized Starbucks straw.

"Oh hell yeah, shrekaritas! We're getting fucked up!"

Shizuru: Captain Morgan: Spiced Rum. Makes you yak like crazy though.

"Got a little Captain in you?"

Genkai: Bloody Mary. A cocktail made from vodka, tomato juice, other spices, and a celery stick. Can also be used as a hangover cure. Recipe is:

1.5 shots vodka
2 shots tomato juice
2 shakes Worcestershire sauce
1 shake Tabasco
dash of horseradish
dash of salt & pepper.

Fill a highball glass with ice. Pour in the vodka, Worcestershire, Tabasco, and tomato juice, and stir with a celery stick. Dash the horseradish, then shake on pepper and salt (if using low-sodium tomato juice). Use the celery stick you stirred with as garnish.

Guy: BARKEEP! Another Bloody Mary!
Bartender: Damnit, Donnie, you've had 4 already, go home!

Botan: Pina Colada. A cocktail made with pineapple juice or pineapple chunks, coconut cream, and rum. Known for its sweet, easy-drinking taste that masks a sizable alcohol content (around 2 oz of rum per drink).

"Lisa made out with Chris after one too many Pina Coladas last night."

Koenma: Apple Martini. A drink that PaCMaN enjoys quite frequently. Also a drink that is known in the gay community, as a drink to give to your partner for a sure bareback session later that night.

1 part Absolut® vodka
1 part DeKuyper® Sour Apple Pucker schnapps
1 part apple juice

Poor all ingredients into a shaker. Shake well and strain into a Martini glass.

"Hey Earl, what say we both order up some apple martinis, I'm feeling a little frisky tonight?"