Who's up for a really long story on Friday the Thirteenth?
* * *
Superman on Absente (Starring Christopher Reeve as 'Clark Kent' and 'Superman', 'Margot Kidder' as Lois Lane, and Gene Hackman as 'Lex Luthor'.)
Wenesday, October Eleventh, Two-Thousand-And-Six 10/1/06 It's been a whirlwind of a month for me. First, I got published front-page of the Planet, with my story outlining Superman's plan to protect Earth from space debris, and thus keeping the planet safe from giant meteors. Working with the US government, they can spot it and Superman can toss it. But that's Superman for you, always looking out for us aliens.
But the article isn't even the good news; Just yesterday, Clark proposed! He blindfolded me and we took a 'flight' over the pond to France, and he did it right in front of the Eiffel tower! We've only been a couple for a few years, but you know when it's the right person. It's like we're destined for each other. I mean, how many woman are destined to marry Clark Kent? (aka 'You-Know-Who'.)
Anyway, we're back in Metropolis now, and I wanted to do something special to thank him. There's this classy new bar that's just opened up down the street from us, so I'm taking Clark there Wednesday night. It's nothing as special as Paris, but we'll make it a night...
Superman howled, as if a thousand needles were all puncturing his heart at once. Bitterly, he ripped the sheet from Lois' diary, crumpled it into a ball with both hands, and threw it. It sailed through the air, down three-hundred-odd feet until it reached the ground. Lois' last entry in the pink, frilly notebook was ten days old now, and she would never write another. Superman had been sitting for a while now atop the Statue of Liberty, reading through the journal, trying to understand. A loose sheet of plastic-coated cardboard stuck in the end of the book caught Superman's attention. Angrily, he pulled the flier loose and read:
Luthor's Absente Bar Interested in a romantic night out on the town? Looking for that dark stranger in a mysterious location? Immerse yourself in the subculture of Metropolis here, at Luthor's Absente Bar.
The house hallucinogen is the best of the best, the brand new 'Luthor's Absente' liqueur line. Served in drinks or as a stand-alone.
Discount for Dress: Contortionists, Goths, Fetishists, Industrial, Snake Charmers, and Vampyres.
Ladies in Free Before 11.
Superman furrowed his brow at the glowing green pixie that appeared to be levitating off of the advert. "I should have known.."
Wednesday, October Fourth "What do you think?" Lois asked the moment she opened the bathroom door. Clark was stunned; Lois was dressed in a shoulderless gown of pitch-black crimson, that flowed down her slender legs and swept the ground. A slim chain hung around her neck, with a pentagram fastened loosely over her cleavage. Her engagement ring glowed from her left hand. The normally tight, wound-up hair swung freely over her shoulders and down to her hips. Clark stared, having forgotten all about scratching the back of Krypto's ears. The blanc dog Krypto, realizing he'd lost Clark's attention, wandered off. "Well?" Lois asked impatiently.
"I thought we were going somewhere fancy?" Clark managed, trying his best not to sound insulting. His fianc e looked stunning, but also very gothic. Clark himself was dressed in his best, a very pricey Liana Lee suit, complete with gold cufflinks. "It's not Halloween for another few weeks and.. well.." Lois' stared at Clark powerfully, but he lept into the fray anyways. ".. you look like Morticia Addams."
"Phew!" Lois sighed, grabbing Clark and making a b-line for the door. "I was getting worried that I didn't!"
Clark eyed the alcoholic liquid being poured by a multi-pierced dominatrix into his shot glass warily. "It's glowing green.." he muttered to himself. "Never a good sign.." Clark didn't even like low-percentage barley brews, and was having doubts over a triple-digit proof.
Lois and Clark were sitting on stools at the bar, and Clark periodically scanned over his shoulder via the mirror fastened behind the bar. Lois leaned in and yelled "Great music!" Clark shrugged, trying not to let on that booming symphonic metal wasn't his favourite volume or musical genre. Behind the couple, freakish looking persons swayed rhythmically to the vocalist's soprano wails in a dark dance floor, punctuated with flickering candlelight. Clark stared despondently into the depths of his four ounce shot glass, and felt Lois' beef bourguignon rising from the depths of his stomach. "Wooo!" yelled Lois, slamming her inverted shot glass on the countertop. "Hit me!" The dominatrix smiled through her lip-ring as she poured Lois a second. Clark watched as Lois downed three more, one after the next. "Hey Clark! Take a shot!" With much reluctance, Clark lifted the glass to his lips and poured the absente down his throat. It tasted like acid.
With a cough, he choked out, "It's not so bad." Lois didn't hear him, as she was already weaving her way through the dancing throng of gothica and etcetera. "Another, if you don't mind," Clark told the bartender absently, watching over his shoulder as Lois picked up the beat and joined in on the headbanging. Clark drank his second before the first hit him. "Shoot!" exclaimed Clark to the bartender, who returned from another guest. Heather's nametag flashed briefly in Clark's line of sight. "This is very potent, Heather!"
"If your girlfriend's never drank absente before, you should go watch after her!" suggested Heather loudly over the music. Nodding, Clark got unsteadily to his feet.
Walking like a drunkard, Clark wandered stoically through the crowd, until he found Lois. "Lois..?" Clark managed. It had only been a few minutes, but the Absente had seeped into Clark's blood and efficiently contaminated everything, including his mind. Despite Clark's Kryptonian heritage, he was no match for a powerful hallucinogen that contained artemisia absinthium. In a bizarre stretch, Lois sprouted high above and bent in a perfect arc over Clark. Clark gaped up at Lois as demonesque wings sprouted through her shoulders and spread out menacingly. The noir in her hair bled onto the floor, replaced by a lime shade of vert.
Clark saw a bright flash of light, and Lois reverted to normal, helping Clark to his feet. "Are you okay, Kent?" Lois asked, her eyes full of concern. Clark nodded with his jaw clamped shut, motioning in the direction of the bathroom.
"Was it the beef bourguignon?" Lois called through the bathroom door as Clark quietly sat on the floor and emptied his stomach into the toilet. After a time, Clark offered, "No." Frowning, Lois decided to ignore the bathroom etiquette and entered the men's washroom. "I think it was the alcohol."
Lois laughed. "Superman my arse! I had more than you and I'm not wretching! You're supposed to be invincible!" Clark shrugged, before gagging into the bowl. Lois patted Clark's back through his very expensive suit. "Cummon; I'll take you home." "I lost a cufflink," Clark noted sadly.
Thursday, October Fifth Clark spent the following day wandering around their apartment in a housecoat with an ice-pack fastened to his head, groaning about the evils of alcohol. Lois, without hang-over, made soup and rubbed his feet. Clark was feeling better by the time the sun set, which he watched from the balcony in his fold-out lawn chair. "These'll help." Lois handed off some tylenol, which Clark took.
"You're pretty," Clark offered groggily as he prepared to fall asleep in his seat. "Sorry Clark, but a hung-over Superman who is half-conscious isn't going to get any today." Clark shrugged. "Perhaps a kiss, m'lady?" Lois straddled Clark and wrapped her arms behind his neck. "One for the road then." The two mouths met and merged, into passionate, lengthy expression of their mutual love. Clark briefly pictured Lois in a wedding dress, ready to become Mrs. Lois Kent. After almost an eternity, Lois broke away.
"Okay, I'll be back later." Smiling to himself, Clark nodded off.
With break-neck speed, Clark leapt from his lawn chair onto his feet, fully awake. The sun was long gone, and darkness had engulfed Metropolis. Tilting his head to one side like a canine, Clark could hear a woman's scream down the street. A bath-robed Clark Kent flew inside the apartment and an instant later a costumed Superman flew out.
Quickly, Superman traced the scream to Luthor's Absente Bar, and sailed in, past the empty foyer. A crowd had gathered around a doorway off to the side, and Superman pushed his way through. He wasn't ready for it though.
His eyes went wide and his face gaunt. Spread across a clear glass table lay a woman in a pitch black crimson gown. The woman wasn't moving. A broken glass lay splintered on the floor and blood dripped ominously from the table onto the carpet. As if in a dream, Superman walked to her and gently pushed the flowing black hair off of the woman's face. Lois Lane. But her eyes were devoid of Lois, as they stared blankly over Superman's shoulder. Superman absently noted the fresh, wet blood covering both of Lois' wrists.
Slowly, Superman turned to the audience of macabre figures in the doorway. "Who is responsible for this?" Superman whispered. A familiar figure, Heather the bartender, stepped forward and inched towards Superman. "I'm sorry, but she is." "WHAT!?" bellowed Superman, sending a majority of the crowd fleeing in terror. Heather began to tremble, partly because of the rage, and partly because of the body. "I- I- I got distracted, by a rush of people all coming in at once. I- I should have noticed, on the cameras.. I'm very sorry." Superman turned back to Lois as Heather continued, "This woman had a lot to drink, but she seemed fine. This room was empty, and she went in here, and-" Heather choked. "It's all on the security tape if you want to see-"
"No. Call the cops. Call an ambulance." Superman's fingers rested for a moment on Lois' eyelids, before shutting them forever. "Call a coroner."
"Superman?" Heather's voice asked timidly. Superman spun round, violently jumping on Heather, and began to- After a flash of light, Superman was staring at Heather once again. "Are you all right, Superman?" He shook his head, trying poorly to suppress his anguish. "I could use a drink."
Both Clark Kent and Superman spent the following week wallowing in misery and strong spirits. Clark's boss Perry understood, and told Clark to take a few months off, paid. "I lost a good reporter, but you lost Lois. Have a while to sort through the pain." Feeling empty and hopeless, Clark entered into a meaningless routine; Early every morning, Clark would meet Heather in the alley behind Luthor's Absente Bar. After closing up, Heather sold Clark a fresh 750 mm bottle of Luthor's Absente, over-the-counter. Superman would then spend the rest of the day flying around, guzzling the extreme liquer down, drowning his pain and desperately trying not to think of Lois' suicide. Neither Clark nor Superman held much enthusiasm or affinity for the drink before, but now it was an escape. His only escape. The last son of Krypton, dejected, began smoking Malbaros as well.
Thursday, October Twelfth Lois was buried in a green cemetery, just outside of town. Her funeral was a sad state of affairs; parents General Lane and Ella were in attendance, with Sam determined to look brave while Ella sobbed uncontrollably into the sleeve of his military jacket. "I just don't understand!" Ella squeaked at Clark, before leaving hastily. Clark sadly eyed the General, who looked more disappointed than he did upset. "It's not your fault, Kent. I wish you'd stopped her, but you're not to blame." Clark surveyed the crowd, including Daily Planet editor Perry White, Lois' sister, her niece, and a blonde girl who may have been a cousin. The eulogy was short, and neglected all the grisly details. One by one, everyone left, leaving Clark alone and staring at the headstone.
Lois Joanne Lane
After identifying the body at the morgue, the engagement ring was returned to Clark. He pulled it from his pocket and placed it in the fresh dirt. "This doesn't make any sense.."
"Clark?" Clark turned around, as was surprised to see Heather behind him, wearing a black veil and dark violet dress. "I'm sorry, I missed the funeral. I thought I should tell you privately why Lois died."
Clark's blood pumped faster. "I knew there had to be foul-play involved. Who did this to her? Who is responsible?" Clark may not have realized it, but he wanted to place blame, to get back at an evil-doer. Revenge.
Heather shook her head and handed Clark a piece of paper, full of numbers and statistics. "Lois died as a reaction from Luthor's Absente, a reaction that wasn't apparent during initial testing. Instant-psychosis. When it happened, Lois had no control over what she was doing. The ATF have been investigating all week, and a scientist just fully debriefed me. Only a very small percentage of people would have that sort of reaction. Still, they've closed everything down and the cops are going to destroy all of the stock."
Clark stared out at the city, with total realization. "Even after.. after what happened. You still served poison all week, to everyone, and any one of them could have ended up.. suicidal? Or insane? Jesus, think how many people could have died-!"
"You don't understand; the bar is owned by Lex Luthor." "So?" asked Clark.
"Mr. Luthor is a very wealthy man. If he wants something, he'll throw money at it. He wanted us to stay open, so he paid off officials to let us. If they hadn't realized how lethal our Absente line can potentially be, we'd still be open." Lethal, thought Clark. I've probably drank more of if than anyone. Clark felt all he'd consumed, flowing through his blood stream, tainting his veins green. Clark's blood boiled, his thoughts raced, jumping across morality and ducking under justice in the pursuit of vengeance. The pain form Lois' death combined with the Absente were clouding his decision-making skills. "This whole situation is a mess, I'm really sorry," Heather said apologetically. Clark replied, "You're not to blame."
"Your husband destroyed the woman I love!" Superman raged at Eve Teschmacher. Nighttime, Eve cowered in the corner of her penthouse balcony as the man of steel menacingly explained the situation. A huge dark vein pulsed off of his forehead. "So what do you want me to do?" whimpered Eve. Superman saw another green light flash briefly before him. An evil, insane grin spread across his face.
Friday, October Thirteenth Last night, Eve Teschmacher, wife of multi-billionaire Lex Luthor, fell to her death from her forty-second floor balcony. The police are currently investigating what led to Teschmacher's descent. One neighbour claims that Superman picked up Teschmacher and threw her off of the building. The investigators have disregarded this testimony, as it is 'highly out of character'. Lex Luthor, widowed from the tragedy, is convinced that Superman was involved, and has offered $1 000 000 reward for Superman's head. The police have found no evidence to suspect this is anything more than a fatal accident. (related article on page 7).
Yesterday, Luthor's Absente Bar was deemed 'unfit' to serve patrons and was forced to end operations. Late last night, the empty bar mysteriously caught fire and burnt to the ground within a matter of minutes. At the time of the fire, all surveillance equipment was being held as evidence in a previous investigation regarding the same bar. Fire chief Red Finch found no natural cause for the fire, and hasn't ruled out the involvement of vandals. An eye witness claims that superhero Superman entered the building, stole several bottles of alcohol, started a fire 'with his eyes', and flew away. Finch had this to say: "Superman isn't a pyromaniac. It was someone else." Finch went on to label the witness' account as 'slanderous'.
An official health warning has been issued: Anyone served alcohol in Luthor's Absente Bar is advised to consult a physician.
"Nice article, Parker," Clark muttered, before jettisoning The Daily Bugle into a trash receptacle. Whistling, Clark fingered Eve's stolen cell phone that lay in his jacket pocket.
Lex Luthor was alone in his office high above the dark city, located on the eighty-fourth floor of the Lexcorp building. He was calculating the estimated loss of his venture; the combined restaurant, dance club, and bar. The creation, production, and destruction of the house line of Absente alone was enough to feed several starving children in a third world country for a year. Lex had no intention of ever giving starving children food, but thinking about the hungry youngsters made him feel better about the financial loss. A picture of Eve propped on the desk smiled vacantly at him. Lex sighed, realizing that his beautiful wife was gone, and he'd have to find another supermodel interested in becoming very, very rich. A ringing telephone broke into Lex's thoughts. Lex frowned at the call display, which read Eve- cell.
"Who is this?" Lex asked sternly.
"You've been profitting off of a hazardous poison," a gruff voice responded. "Do you know how many lives you've endangered?" Lex frowned, realizing this was a complaint about the Absente.
"Look sir, I don't know who you are or how you got ahold of my wife's telephone, but I'm going to transfer you to my secretary and she'll sort you out." Lex reached towards the appropriate button-
"Don't you want to hear what your wife's last words were?" Lex's hand froze, uncertain.
"Superman?"
A silent laugh emanated from the telephone. "Yes, Lex. It's Superman. You destroyed someone I love, so I destroyed someone you love."
"So we're even then?" Lex suggested, while making a mental note to hire an assassin the following day to remove Superman at once.
"No. You have taken away my world. I'm going to kill you, very slowly, in the most painful way imaginable." Lex reached into his desk and clasped his a .9 mm pistol. "You can't blame the product's failure on me! I didn't design it, engineers did! I paid them, but I didn't know they botched the job- Hello?"
"You might want to turn around."
Lex jumped from his chair and peered through the window nervously. Sweat uncomfortably formed on his forehead. "You know what, Superman? I don't think your code of ethics would allow you to kill me. I think-" Lex dropped the phone to the ground, spotting a blue and red spot zooming towards the building, much faster than a bullet. "Holy sh-!" cried Lex Luthor as Superman shot through the window at break-neck-speed, right at Lex...
* * *
-Originally posted October 13th 2006