Shrink Wrapped
AN: Yet another Naruto AD filler story that takes place during the academy days of Naruto and the girls. Enjoy.
Chapter 1: A Meeting of the Minds…sick, demented minds to be exact.
It all began one day when Ibiki called for a meeting of the ANBU Torture & Interrogation Unit.
"Alright people, let's get down to business." The scarred man said as he addressed other members of the unit. "The first matter for today would be that the upcoming poker tournament has been rescheduled for Friday night instead of Saturday. The entry fee is 5000 yen and the final day to sign up is Thursday." Ibiki started as he read from a clipboard. "And before we move on, I do NOT want to have repeat of last month's tournament. For once, can we get through this thing without it turning into one big battle royal?"
"Hey, don't blame me!" Anko snapped. "That pervert should've known what was going to happen when he asked me to play strip poker!"
"A simple 'no' would have sufficed." Ibiki groaned. Anko just huffed. "And one more thing Anko. Leave Naruto and your daughters at home this time!"
"Oh come on, Ibiki! It wasn't that bad!" Anko said.
"True or false, Anko. Your EXACT words to Naruto and your daughters when that fool made that strip poker comment were, and I quote: "Sic him!" Ibiki snapped.
"Hey, they were defending the family honor. What kid wouldn't do that?" Anko defended.
"Oh how noble of you, Anko." Inoichi said sarcastically. "Considering the reason you brought them was for them to act as your eyes and ears on other players…and their cards. And don't think I didn't notice the ear pieces they were wearing."
"Look who's talking, Mr. Jedi Mind Trick! Like you didn't bring your daughter and some of your family members for the exact same reason!" Anko snapped.
"I defy you to prove otherwise!" Inoichi sniffed.
"Alright pretty boy! Step outside and let's settle this!" Anko yelled as she bolted out of her seat.
"Ladies first, you psycho bitch!" Inoichi yelled back.
"As stimulating as this conversation is, CAN WE PLEASE MOVE ON?" Ibiki roared as he let out some killing intent.
"Yes sir." Anko and Inoichi replied in very small voices as they sat back down.
The scarred leader of the Torture unit sighed deeply. "If you're going to tear each other to pieces, do it on your own time." Ibiki pinched the bridge of his nose. "Mother was right. I should have been a dentist."
"Since we are bringing up the subject of children, that brings us to the next order of business." Ibiki continued. "Career day at the Academy is coming up and we need some volunteers to work the Torture & Interrogation booth and before you say anything, Anko, no you CANNOT volunteer."
"Why not?" The purple haired woman whined.
"Because we are trying to recruit new people, not scare them away!" Ibiki snapped.
Anko huffed again and started to pout. "Is there anything else, fearless leader?" The Dragon Mistress asked sarcastically.
Ibiki just gave her a look before looking back at the clipboard he was holding. "Well there's one other matter and this is another item that pertains to the Academy." Ibiki sighed again before continuing. "The psychiatrist position at the Academy is vacant…again."
"Who was the last one we sent?" Kotetsu asked.
"Mizuru." Ibiki replied.
"Well that's a surprise." Izumo said. "Why did she quit?"
"Yeah, she loves working with kids." Tombo, the Chunin proctor with bandages covering most of his face except his mouth, said.
"Wrong. She loved working with kids…until she started working with Anko's daughters and Naruto." Ibiki groaned.
000000000000000000000000
Elsewhere in a padded room, a pretty young woman with dark blonde hair was curled up in a corner while muttering and giggling to herself.
"I'm safe here. No more fire-starting blondes. No more girls with a weapons fetish. No more loud screaming girls. No more evil redheads who can kill me with their demonic cooking and then resurrect me with their flute. AND THANK GOD! NO MORE UCHIHA FANGIRLS! I'M SO HAPPY HAPPY HAPPY!" Mizuru cackled hysterically to herself before the orderlies came in to tranquilize the former psychiatrist.
00000000000000000000000
"Hey, to be fair, most of the blame goes towards those bitchy little brats who never shut up about the Uchiha. About two minutes of hearing them go on and on about that brat and you'll be begging for a rubber room!" Anko said.
"You gotta admit she has a point there." Izumo pointed out.
"So how many psychiatrists have we sent exactly?" A chunin wearing sunglasses named Mozuku asked.
"Five in the past two months." Ibiki replied.
"That many?" Another Chunin with a goatee named Iwashi said. He looked surprised. "I thought the number would be higher than that."
"So did Anko's daughters and Naruto scare them off too or was it the Uchiha's little groupies?" Inoichi asked.
"Some, but not all of them." Ibiki replied. "There was that one guy, Waka, I think his name was."
"Oh yeah. The tree hugger. I remember him." Kotetsu said, shuttering.
"What was his story?" Anko asked.
"When he came in to give his resignation, he was dressed up as a monk. Creepy as all hell. Anyway, he kept going on about how the Hyuga heiress was the devil and he was about to go on a pilgrimage, a holy crusade or something like that. Still creeps me out just thinking about that look in his eyes." Kotetsu said.
"Wait a second. Are you talking about Hinata Hyuga? The shyest, most timid girl that makes a bunny rabbit look gung-ho is the Devil? Anko said in disbelief. "I always knew that Waka guy was a quack, but Hinata Hyuga the Devil? Seriously?"
"I believe we getting a little off topic here." Ibiki said. "So, who wants to take the job?"
It got so quiet in the room, Ibiki could have sworn he heard crickets chirping. "Anyone?"
"I got a better idea. One that is FAR less painful and traumatizing." Inoichi spoke up. "Let's all get together and watch Might Guy and his student do that weird hugging Genjutsu."
"I got one better for you, Inoichi." Iwashi said. "Let's go up to the entire Akimichi Clan and tell them they're all fat."
"Or how about this." Mozuku said. "Chain us all to chairs and make us watch "The Jersey Shore" for 24 straight hours."
"Makes me happy as hell I'm blind." Tombo said.
"Actually, taking the psychiatrist job may be better than that." Inoichi said.
"Hmm." Ibiki stroked his chin before writing something down on a notepad. "I'll have to try that Jersey Shore torture out the next time we get some Iwa ninjas."
All of a sudden, the door to the meeting room opened and in walked a pleasant looking young man with short black hair, eyes full of hope and determination, a happy smile on his face and seemed to have an aura of positiveness and kindness.
"Keigo, you're late." Ibiki said as the young man took a seat next to Inoichi.
"I'm sorry Ibiki-Sensei, but as I was on my way in, I came across this old lady who needed some help getting her groceries home. And after that, I saw this sad looking little boy who looked like he could use a good cheering up. It turns out his little kitty cat got stuck in a tree, so I helped them out. And just as I was about to come here, I saw some bullies ganging up on some poor kid. I broke it up and asked that we all talk about it. The bullies refused and walked off, but I did help cheer the kid up." Keigo said in a calm, pleasant voice.
The others just shook their heads. That sounded like an excuse Kakashi would've used. The only difference is, odds were good that Keigo actually did all of that before showing up.
Anko had a word for guys like Keigo: Saps.
The only reason a guy like Keigo was in the Torture & Interrogation Unit was the fact that he was a decent forensic psychiatrist. He was actually studying under Mizuru…before she went insane.
"So, what did I miss?" Keigo asked. Ibiki was about to answer when he suddenly stopped. The scarred man looked at the clipboard and then right back at Keigo. It was then that Ibiki put on a wicked grin that caused almost everyone, including Anko , to shrink into their chairs. The only one not affected by this was Keigo, who was oblivious as hell.
"Keigo." Ibiki said, still wearing his evil looking grin. "Tell me something. How much do you like working with…children?"
"Oh I love working with children, Ibiki-Sensei." Keigo said with a happy smile. "There's nothing like helping out a young person and making a difference in their lives."
If anything, Ibiki's grin widened. "Keigo, I have a little job for you that just may be right up your alley."
"Really? What kind of job, Ibiki-Sensei?" Keigo asked rather excitedly.
"Well, it's a job over at the academy. You see, they have a job opening for a psychiatrist over there and I think you'll fit the bill rather nicely." Ibiki said as he put his hand on the young man's shoulder.
"You mean I'll have Mizuru-Sensei's job, sir?" Keigo blinked in disbelief. "This is great! Thank you, Ibiki-Sensei! I'll be sure to make you and Mizuru-Sensei proud!"
"I'm sure you will, Keigo." Ibiki said as he led the enthusiastic young man towards the door.
"Speaking of Mizuru-Sensei, when will she be getting back from her vacation?" Keigo asked.
"Keigo, I'll be honest with you. Mizuru is not on a vacation. She never was. That was just a little lie we told you so you wouldn't be upset with the truth." Ibiki said as if he was a father telling his son something and he needed to be let down easy.
"Then, where is Mizuru-Sensei?" Keigo asked with wide innocent eyes.
"Oh this is going to be priceless." Kotetsu whispered to Izumo.
"The truth is this Keigo, my boy." Ibiki began. "Mizuru is actually…on a top secret mission. Where she is and when she's coming back, no one knows. But I do know that wherever she is, I know that you will do her proud and carry on her work at the Academy and help those young minds flourish."
Keigo looked disheartened for a moment, but cheered right back up after Ibiki little speech. "You're right Ibiki-Sensei. I will make Mizuru-Sensei proud. And you never know, we may meet again someday and I can tell her that I'm putting her teachings to good use."
"Oh if those kids, particularly Naruto and Anko's girls, have their way, you'll be seeing Mizuru FAR sooner than you think." Izumo snickered, but said it just low enough for some of the others to hear. Some like Tombo, Kotetsu and Inoichi joined in on the snickering and tried not to break down into hysterical laughter.
"What's so funny, guys?" Keigo asked, feeling a little confused.
"Oh nothing. Nothing at all." Inoichi said while trying to keep a straight face. This seemed to satisfy the oblivious Keigo as he turned back to Ibiki.
"So when do I start, sir?"
"First thing tomorrow morning. Report to the Academy at 7:00 AM sharp." Ibiki answered.
"Well, in that case, I'd better skedaddle. I want to make a good impression on my new young friends." Keigo said as he started out the door.
"Somehow, I get the feeling that it's going to be the other way around and THEY make a hell of an impression on YOU." Anko said to herself.
"I know you'll go in there and give them hell." Ibiki said as he patted Keigo on the shoulder.
"You know, I can get used to working around ninjas, but I can never get used to all the cursing." Keigo said as he left.
It was a full five minutes after the young man left when Inoichi broke the silence. "Those kids are going to eat him alive within five minutes."
"I almost feel bad for the poor sucker." Kotetsu said. "Almost."
Anko glared at Ibiki before speaking. "That was low, Ibiki. Even for you."
"Better him than us." Ibiki said. "Besides, that kid seriously need to toughen up…and I can't think of a better way for some one to grow a set than to deal with those brats in the Academy.
"You got a point there." Anko conceded. "A sadistic point, but a point nevertheless."
"And if it doesn't work out…well…Keigo did say he wanted to see Mizuru again." Ibiki said. "They might put him in the cell next to hers."
"Plus, it'll be interesting to see how they finally break him." Izumo laughed.
"If it's anything like Ebisu, we're in for a hell of a treat." Anko said, recalling one day when she went to pick up her daughters and Naruto from the Academy. It was before Ebisu became Konahamaru's personal tudor.
0000000000000000000000000
One day, when Anko decided to meet her daughters and Naruto after they were done with Academy classes so she could treat them to some food, she was surprised to see Ebisu burst out the front door. He was screaming his head off and was covered in a white foamy substance, which everyone noticed was shaving cream.
The jonin clawed his way up a tree like a cat and had a death grip on the main trunk. All the while, Ebisu was muttering and laughing to himself.
"They're evil. EVIL I TELL YOU! They don't need a shrink, they need an exorcist!"
It was then when Naruto and the girls came out and found Ebisu. "Um, Ebisu-Sensei. Does this mean we're done for today?" Kin asked innocently.
Ebisu answered by screaming at the top of his lungs, jumping out of the tree and sprinting down the street.
0000000000000000000000
"I remember that." Inoichi said. "I heard that it took several bribes and several therapy sessions before Ebisu agreed to become the Honorable Grandson's personal teacher."
"So now we're basically feeding a guy who has lived one of the most sheltered lives in history to a group of kids that make a pack of rabid wolves look about as dangerous as a pack of newborn rabbits." Anko said. The others nodded
"Like Ibiki said, better him than us." Tombo said.
"Well, in that case, there's only one thing to do." Anko said, reaching into her pocket and pulled out some yen notes. "Get the chart."
Ibiki opened a hidden compartment in the room and pulled out a piece of poster board. On it was a chart with different categories and odds. Interestingly enough, the categories were "Anko's Daughters (single or all three), Naruto, Anko's Daughters & Naruto, Uchiha Fangirls (Any of them) and "Devil" Hinata Hyuga.
"You guys seriously put the Hyuga girl up there?" Anko said in disbelief.
"Well, remember how that Choza's son freaked out a while back? I don't really know the specifics, but now, every time he looks at a bag a potato chips, he starts flipping out and makes the sign of the cross and mutters 'Potato Chips will take my soul." Inoichi said. "Plus I remember Ino telling me one day that she had a strange dream that the Hyuga girl was some kind of a demon. Now that one time with Waka was one thing. Another time with Choji is a coincidence, but Ino saying that she had the same kind of dream where Hinata Hyuga is the devil does give it some kind of credibility. Plus you never know."
"You know, Naruto and the girls said something about that too." Anko said. "I think Tayuya said something about wondering if Hinata had any job openings or something like that."
"Alright people, back to business. Place your bets." Ibiki said. "It's not only a question of who drives Keigo off the deep end, but it's also a question of when. So I'm going with the sure thing: 5000 yen says Anko's Daughters and Naruto break him in about two days."
"As much as I like Naruto, I'm going with family." Anko said. "10,000 yen on just my daughters in just one day."
"Put me down for about 7000 on the Uchiha's fangirls." Kotetsu said.
"Same here." Izumo said.
"I don't know, I like Naruto's chances." Tombo said. "Put me down for 8,000 yen on the little firebug."
"I don't know. I'm feeling a little brave." Inoichi said. "15,000 yen on the Hyuga girl."
"Hope you like to lose, Yamanaka." Anko said.
AN: Just a demented little idea that just screamed at me to write down. After the seriousness of Demons of the Leaf and the latest chapter in NAD, I felt that it was time for the return for some good old humor.
For those who don't get the 'Devil' Hinata gig, check out one of my other stories "The Devil & Choji Akimichi" for the full story. And yes, Devil Hinata make her glorious return in the fic.
To describe Keigo, he's one of those types of guys who wouldn't harm a bug…in other words, the perfect guy to send in for Naruto and the girls to drive insane.
Till next time - dthegrimm