Unlove Me
"You only love me because I'm broken, because I'm someone you can fix, and because for some inexplicable reason you've decided that I'm worth saving. But I've told you again and again that your actions are futile. Why won't you listen?"
The vehemence in his voice has ceased to startle her, but it never fails to make her cry.
One would think that Yahiro Saiga never had any pain, being the one always stirring turmoil instead, but whoever that person is, the person would be wrong. She could attest to that. As far as she knew, she was perhaps the only person (excluding Kei and perhaps Tadashi) that knew that deep inside, despite the power and enormous influence he had begun to wield as heir to the Saiga Corporation, he was insecure and lonely. He hid it well, to be sure, with dastardly – if not diabolical – plans, but it was just another facade. And it hurts her that despite how close she's gotten to him, despite the fact that he's now over Akira and despite the fact that she's made no secret of her wish to be with him, that he keeps pushing her away.
"That's not true!" She says, trying to stop the traitorous tears from falling and failing. So incensed is she that she's forgotten to write on the board in order to preserve her voice – something she realizes a minute later, and she tries not to remember that it was him who bought the board for her. He can be so sweet at times, but why does he insist on being cold to her at this moment?
"You can be so kind, and you never want the ones you love to get hurt. You'd do anything so that they won't feel pain, so that you can bear the pain alone." The tears continue to fall. "It doesn't have to be that way. You deserve your own happiness too."
He is silent, and then says something that completely surprises her: "How can I be happy when no matter how hard I try to protect, the people I care for still end up hurt?"
She has known that he had borne this guilt for a very long time, especially with regard to Akira, but still, for someone usually as enigmatic as him to reveal something so personal – she reaches out for him, and grasps his hands. "You try and protect too hard, that's all. You try and prevent them from feeling pain from life's experiences, by hurting them yourself with no explanation, and causing them – quite justifiably – to hate you. It's very noble, but it's lonely."
"You seem to be able to see right through me," he drawls, bitterness dripping from his words.
She ignores it. She knows he only wishes to push her away beforehand, to hurt her, so that he won't have to care for her, and thus would not have to protect her by hurting her, and thus causing himself pain. It is a pretty complicated plan, she thinks to herself, and she tells him so. "But it won't work on me."
"Why not?" He asks, voice devoid of emotion. "Why can't you just unlove me?"
"Because I know you. And I know your motives. And I can't let you continue this cycle of self-frustration, loathing and loneliness, simply because you can't bring yourself to care for others and protect them in a way that won't eventually earn you their hatred. I'm different, because at least I know now that whatever you do, it would be because you cared too much, and not because you want to ruin my life. And I can understand it. And I love you for it, and love isn't something you can turn off with a switch, so I can't unlove you."
He continues to stare at her, and her courage wavers. This is perhaps one of the longest speeches she's ever made; usually she does not talk as much. Yet she goes on bravely: "So please don't push me away. It hurts me so much, and I know that you hate doing it. And I don't mind if you can't reciprocate my feelings; just being with you, and knowing you can overcome this sort of self-destructive cycle... That in itself would just make me happy."
She exhales deeply as she ends her speech, but he is still silent. In the darkness of the night, she can vaguely see the features of his face. It's settled into an unreadable expression, one she can't understand.
"So you care for me because you think I'm the tragic hero?"
"I care for you because you're a good person."
He smirks, and she feels hurt for some reason. She realizes she hasn't let go of his hands and reluctantly pulls away from him. But he grips her hands in a vice-like grip and pulls her close to him.
"I'm sorry."
Her eyes widen. Those simple words told her so much, how sorry he was, that he could not love her the way she loved him, that nevertheless he still cared for her because she was the first girl who really managed to understand him, and that he wished he could stop hurting her.
And that's all she needed to hear from him at that moment. It gave her hope, that maybe, someday, somehow, he could overcome this fear he had, and learn to care again, for her, for love and for life...
-Fin-