I do not own 'Full Metal Alchemist' or anything related.
Commentator: Greetings, all. I am the Commentator, and this is my assistant, the Professor.
Professor: Hello.
Commentator: We are here to introduce to you 'Full Metal Alchemist Abridged (With Commentary)'. As some of you already know, Full Metal Alchemist is a popular anime/manga about a boy with a unnaturally deep voice who hadn't even reached pubety yet and his brother who tried to bring back to life their dead mother with Alchemy. Unfortunately, as is expected, everything did not go to plan. Because you can't bring back the dead. (Scratches head) Or because the dimwit thought that a couple drops of blood were a sufficient trade for a soul despite being a genius, you know to be honest, it's rather vague. Anyway, as a consequence, the boy with the voice of a 42 year old, Edward Elric, lost his leg, whereas his more realistically voiced brother, Alphonse Elric, lost his entire body, and Ed somehow ended up tying his brother's soul to a suit of armour at the cost of his own arm. And so, the Elric brothers vow to never rest until they restore their bodies to their true forms, with the same kind of determination they had when trying to bring back their mother that got them into this situation in the first place. Hmm. You think they would have learnt from that incident. Hopefully it won't end up with them experiencing any major consequences...
Commentator: Three years later…
Ed: We're lost.
Al: What makes you say that?
Ed: (Takes out a piece of parchment) According to this, we should be in Lior by now.
Al: Er, Brother, that's the third page of the first 'Full Metal Alchemist' Manga issue.
Ed: And according to it we should be in Lior by now!
(As they spoke, Japanese subtitles appear, but the lazy dubbers do nothing to translate them. According to the more useful and better written fansubs, they reads 'big brother, 15', 'little brother, 14')
Commentator: Okay, hold it, this has been bugging me ever since I became an Otaku.
Professor: What are you talking about, sir?
Commentator: Have you ever noticed that leading shonen characters tend to be 15?
Professor: What do you mean?
Commentator: I mean at least at one point in almost in every known shonen manga or anime, the hero has been 15. let's see, there's Naruto, Goku, Ichigo, Kagome, Yugi, Yusuke, Jaden, and possibly Sonic the Hedgehog. It's enough to make you think that the subtitles are unnecessary cos of course the hero's gonna be fifteen, they're always fifteen. Seriously, is there something significant about the age of 15 that I don't know about?
Professor: Well I don't know about Naruto, Ichigo, Kagome, Jaden or Yusuke, but in the case of Edward, Yugi, Goku and Sonic, traditionally 15 is a significant age for miniature heroes.
(Bom bom bom ch)
Ed: Why do I have the sudden urge to kill someone?
Al: There. We're finally in Lior at the bar. Happy now, Brother?
Barman: Brother? Wait a minute, (Points at Ed) he's your older brother?
Ed: How could you tell?
Barman: He referred to you as 'Brother.'
Ed: -So? I call him 'brother' now and again, it doesn't mean he's my older brother!
Barman: No, but he referred to you as 'brother' with a capital 'b'.
Ed: Wait, you can tell capitals in someone's speech?
Barman: (Shrugs) What can I say? It's a gift. (To Al) You know, you're pretty big for a 14 year old. And yet you sound like a 10 year old. What, did the growth hormones that are supposed to go in to your voice go in your body instead or something?
Al: WHAT? (Gets up) My voice is as deep as any 14 year old! (As he hits the top, Al causes the radio to shake and fall on the ground and break). AHH! Don't worry, I can fix it.
(Moments later, Al has drawn some kind of diagram around the broken radio, claps his hands and in a flash (No, we're not being metaphorical here, it's literally caught in a bolt of lightning) the radio is brand new.)
Barman: Gasp! It's magic!
Ed: Foolish simpleton! It's Alchemy. Pure Science.
Barman:… It's pure science to fix a radio by placing it on the ground, making a chalk drawing around it, and clapping your hands?
Ed: …Ummm, yes?
Barman:O-kay. Then explain to me the scientific process behind what your brother just did?
Ed:….Hah! I don't expect a simpleton like you to understand!
Barman: Yeah, that's the same excuse the last alchemist around here made. Then it turned out that he's the son of God!
Ed: Hmmmmmmmm…Sounds fishy. We'd better check it out.
Al: Well it looks like a normal Alchemic reaction. Except-
Ed: He's screwing the rules.
Al: Maybe it's because he has lots of money?
Ed: …Yeah, I think it's something else-
Rose: I'm sorry, but what rules?
Al: Well, according to the rules of alchemy and equivalent trade, you can make an object bigger or smaller, but you can't change it into another type of element, like turning rock into water.
Ed: Wow. That was more easily explained than either the manga or the anime!
Al: Thanks, I-
Rose: So how exactly has he screwed the rules?
Ed: He just told you, he defied the-
Rose: No he didn't! He just turned that water into wine! How was that screwing the rules if both have water elemental properties?
Ed: -Well….
Manga: NO, NO, NO! THEY GOT IT ALL WRONG!
Rose: AH! Did your comic book just speak?
Ed: Yeah, it tends to do that whenever something that contradicts the original manga appears.
Manga: Well the stupid fanfiction rules forbid a writer featuring a living person like the creator of FMA, so someone has to complain about this travesty!
Ed: What are you talking about?
Manga: You can't make an object bigger without adding to the mass! That's the whole point of equivalent trade! You can't make a litre of apple juice if you don't have enough apples for it! Jeez, no wonder this crappy adaptation only lasted for about 50 episodes!
Al: (ignoring the manga comic ranting) Hey Brother, you don't think-
Ed: Yeah (Examines the ring on Cornello's finger) The Granilith.
Cornello: What? What did you say to me?
Clay: THE-EL-RIC-BRO-THERS-WERE-SEEN-AT-THE-LAST-GA-THER-RING!
Cornello: -Why are you shouting?
Clay: You didn't seem to hear me. I-
Cornello: SHUT UP! I mean, I knew it! The government has sent its agents to take me down!
Clay: But Father, couldn't it be that they're just passing through?
Cornello: Even though that sounds plausible, I'm going to jeopardise my entire establishment by provoking the main characters.
Ed: I guess the moral of this story is that there's no God or afterlife.
Al: But Ed, what if there really is something else out there?
Ed: Please Al, if there really was some other worldly dimension with the essence of existence I think one of us would have encountered it by now! Remember Al, we're scientists.
Al: No, we're pseudo-scientists. or proto-scientists at best. And besides doesn't alchemy have this whole spiritual side to it as well?
Ed: …I never paid any attention to that side of Alchemy.
Rose: You know, you can find the religion of 'Letoism' to be very beneficial!
Ed: Sorry I'm a scientist. Alchemists can't afford to believe in things like 'creator' or 'God' that have never been proven.
Rose: But, don't alchemists accept the existence of a soul even though that's never been proven to exist?
Ed: (Falls over) WAH! I seem to have fallen over.
Rose: Yeah, that tends to happen a lot in anime.
Clay: Rose, the Elrics brothers are enemies of God. I've already killed one and I need to kill the other.
Ed: You're not very bright, are you?
Clay: -What?
Ed: Don't you find it odd how one bullet knocked my brother's head off? Let alone that there's no blood?
Clay: -What's you're point?
(Al's headless armour grabs Clay's gun)
Clay: -AAAAAAAAAH! IDIOT!
(Silence)
Everyone: Huh?
Commentator: I think the stupid dubbers mixed the words 'baka' and 'obake' again!
(Baka meaning 'idiot' or 'fool' and obake meaning 'monster')
(Rose screams and runs away)
Al: Wow. She didn't take that awfully well.
Ed: Well, we were probably hoping too much that she could cope with you being revealed to be nothing but a suit of armour, so much that she would be willing to, say, hide inside you or something.
Ed: ROSE! Rose, where are you?
Cornello: Hah! Little did you realise that your friend Rose had led you into a trap!
Ed: What? She was able to come up with a plan to betray us right after deciding that we were evil?
Rose: (Shrugs) What can I say? It's a gift.
Cornello: You enemies of the son of God must be destroyed!
Ed: Son of God my tushie! You haven't been performing miracles! You've just been using the Granilith!
Cornello: (Puzzled) The what?
Ed: It goes by many names, but it is the substance that allows the person to violate all laws of physics. The Granilith. Chakra. Smallville Kryptonite. But its best known name is the Philosopher's Stone.
Cornello: -Don't you mean the Sorcerer's-
Ed: NO, I DO NOT!
Cornello: -Oh. I just thought that since this was the American version-
Ed: NO!
Cornello: And what's this 'Granilith' you keep referencing?
Ed: You know, the Granilith? (Cornello still looks puzzled) The Alien version of the holy grail in Roswell High? (Cornello looks blankly at him) Better known as 'Roswell' in the United States? That sci-fi teen drama series in the late 90/early noughties about the teen aliens who grew up in Roswell which at times ripped off of 'Buffy the Vampire Slayer'? (Everyone continues to stare blankly at him) It had a huge cult following at the time! Well, not as big as its contemporaries like Buffy or Angel or Charmed or Smallville, which itself was a rip off of Roswell with the whole 'teen alien in small town who hides his abilities from the outside world', except of course that none of his friends knew, which was just stupid I mean you could have had so much fun with 'team superboy' and avoided all that unnecessary c/lana an-
Al: Brother, now is not the time to rant about Smallville!
Ed: (mutters) It's never a good time to rant about Smallville.
Cornello: Anyway, you are right. (Shows ring) I have been using the Philosopher's Stone and been passing its powers off as miracles!
Ed: Whoa whoa, wait a minute! Dude, did you just admit that you're a fraud in front of one of your most devoted followers? Are you like retarded or something?
Cornello: Hah! Fool! Little do you know that the Liorns in the anime are so stupid that they will continue to believe in me no matter how many times I'm exposed as a fraud!
Ed: …You're kidding, right?
Cornello: Fraid not. They all suffer from what is known as 'Life of Brian' Syndrome!
(Ed and Al look aghast)
Ed: You lie!
Cornello: Do I? Watch! HEY HENCHMEN! (Henchmen walk in) You're all individuals!
Henchmen: Yes. We're all individuals.
Clay: I'm not.
Henchman 1: Shh!
Ed: Rose, come down from there! That man is not the son of God! He just admitted it for crying out loud! He's just been using meteor rock!
Al: Don't you mean 'meteorite'?
Ed: Shut up.
Rose: Can the meteorite bring back my dead boyfriend from his eternal peace and loved ones?
Cornello: Sure. Why not.
Rose: I'm sorry guys. Even if he isn't the son of God, his power is real.
Ed: Listen to me Rose, nothing good can come from trying to bring back the dead! (Pulls off clothes) Behold what happens to those who violate the realm of God!
Cornello: Whoa whoa, hold on for a second. God? I thought you were an atheist?
Ed: I am. So?
Cornello: Then why are you suddenly revering God with the whole 'man shouldn't violate the realm of God' speech?
Ed: ...I-don't-know...
Cornello: I never thought I'd say this but I think the American version made more sense.
Professor: Hey now, that's just crazy talk!
Cornello: I see. So you have a robotic arm and leg. Oh, so that's why you're known as the Full Metal Alchemist! It makes sense now! (Considers this) Wait, no it doesn't! Why would you be called the 'Full Metal' Alchemist if you're not, say, 'full metal'?
Ed: I don't know, but I guess somehow that the Fuhrer didn't think the 'Semi-Metal Alchemist' sounded as cool.
Cornello: Well actually-
Ed: Now Let me explain to you how I lost my arm and leg and how my brother lost his body.
Cornello: NO, no! You are NOT doing a character origin flashback sequence in the middle of my fight, you're just not!
Ed: My brother and I grew up in the country in the east of the country.
Cornello: Damn you, Full Metal!
Ed: Our father was never around, and when we were children, our mother died of a long illness. Wanting her back, we set off to bring her back to life using alchemy. After gathering the ingredients needed to create a human body, we placed them in a transmutation circle, then gave our drops of blood in order to transmute her soul-
Cornello: Whoa whoa whoa wait a minute. You actually thought, that according to the rules of equivalent trade, that a couple of drops of blood would be enough for a human soul?
Ed: Ummmm, yes?
(Silence)
Cornello: HAHAHAHAHAAAAA! THAT'S LIKE OFFERING TWO PENCE FOR THE CROWN JEWELS! (Wipes eye) Oh man! No wonder your transmutation backfired and you lost your bodyparts!
Rose: And where was your guardian when all this was happening?
Al: Huh?
Rose: I assume that you had some kind of guardian? I mean it's not like that you were left to your own devices, were you?
(Elric brothers are silent)
Ed: Well actually-
Rose: Wait. You mean you were actually left without any kind of guardian?
Ed: No, we had a guardian. She just lived in the house opposite ours, that's all?
Rose: -What kind of irresponsible guardian would not have her wards living with her?
Ed: I think you forget that in the world of anime (And possibly Japan, though I'm not too certain as to point a finger), that children are often left to their own devices without any supervision, even if they're orphaned.
Rose: -What crazy country would allow children to run wild without any supervision?
Ed: Like I said, possibly Japan.
Commentator: You know, this incident with the Elric Brothers just proves once again that there's a reason why children need supervision!
Ed: Well, anyway, that's why we need the Philosopher's Stone. To restore our bodies.
Cornello: If that's the case, then why not just gather the elements needed for a human arm, leg and body, decrease the amount of iron you have, step into a transmutation circle with them, and restore your bodies that way? I mean it sounds like that the only reason your human transmutation went awry was because you foolishly thought that a couple of drops of blood were enough for a soul!
Ed: ….Because if we did that, we wouldn't have a plot, otherwise.
Cornello: Now, for making me endure a flashback, Chimera, I choose you!
(Gate opens and comes along a cross between a lion and a bird)
Ed: Uh oh. It's Alchemy time!
(Claps hands together, touches the ground and creates a metal staff)
Cornello: Okay, seriously, is there any manga/anime where the thing is actually what it's supposed to be?
Ed: -What are you talking about?
Cornello: Well let's see, you've got pirates who don't do any pirating, you've ninjas who use magical powers and wear bright orange jumpsuits, and now you've got so called alchemists who transform things with their bare hands?
Ed: Well nobody would be watching or reading this manga if there weren't any kind of action sequences.
Cornello: Uh oh. Chimera needs help! GO- parrot- giant-monster- thing!
(Turns a parrot on his shoulder into a monstrous version, which swoops at Ed)
Ed: Hey! This wasn't in the original manga!
Cornello: That's why I find filler characters to be so useful. They throw off the main characters!
(Ed grabs the parrot's beak)
Ed: Yes, but you forgot about one important fact about filler characters. (Throwing the parrot away) They have exactly 0 percent effect on the plot. And now, despite the fact that we're winning, we're going to run away for no reason.
Al: We are?
Ed: Yes.
Al:-But there's no way out!
Ed: I've already thought ahead.
Cornello: No! He's magically creating a doorway!
Ed: IT'S NOT MAGIC!
Cornello: Oh who are you kidding? Making chalk drawings on the ground, clapping your hands, defying the laws of physics, face it kid, Alchemy's just magic in scientific wrapping!
Ed: Okay. We're lost again. (Looks at the manga) According to this, we should still be in Cornello's building! I think we went too far.
Al: Yeah, but Brother, you forget that anime need to lengthen the story in order to show it in the one episode.
Random mob leader: There they are! The enemies of the son of God!
Mob: BURN THEM!
Ed: Look here! He's not the son of God, he's a very naughty boy! I mean man! Man is what I said. Man.
Rose: Oh yeah? Then how is it that he's been raising the dead?
Al: He's been raising the dead? Since when?
Ed: Has anyone actually seen these people? I heard that they just disappear afterwards!
Al: When did you hear that?
Ed: (Shrugs) I o know.
Cornello: Hah! Did you really believe that you could expose me as a fraud?
Ed: Just did.
Cornello: What?
Ed: I've used my alchemy to broadcast what you said to the entire city.
Bell: WHAAAAAAAAAAAA?
Random City Dweller: Father Cornello? Is this true? Are you not the son of God?
Cornello: Of course I am! Look!
(Uses ring to turn the nearby statues into living ones)
Random City Dweller No.2: Wow! Do you really think that this is a miracle?
Random City Dweller No.1: What else could it be? Unless of course he's using alchemy to transfigure the statue to be a living one.
Random City Dweller No.2: Don't you mean 'transmute?'
Random City Dweller No.1: Oh, potato, potato.
Ed: NO, THEY'RE NOT! They're completely different, like a spirit and a non-corporeal entity!
Random City Dweller No.1: But, they're basically the same thing with a different name, aren't they? I mean 'non-corporeal' was a religious word before the sci-fi people nicked it.
Ed: Wow. Cornello was right. You people really do have 'Life of Brian' Syndrome! Now let me prove to you people once and for all that this man is not the son of God!
(Claps his hands together and place them on the ground to make the nearby giant statue move)
Ed: There. Now do you see?
Random City Dweller: ...I guess there's only one possibility.
Ed: (Smirks) Thank you.
Random City Dweller: You're also the son of God!
Ed: WHAT?
Cornello: WHAT?
Ed: No, no! I'm an ordinary human being!
Random City Dweller: Only the true son of God would deny his divinity!
Cornello and Ed: WHAT?
Cornello: All right then, if that's how we're going to play this, then I'm not the son of God!
(Silence)
Random City Dweller: HE DECEIVED US!
Mob: BURN HIM!
Cornello: But, but you said, curse you Edward Elric! (Runs away) You planned this!
Ed: Er, yeah, of course.
Ed: Well once again, Good triumphs over Evil! And all is well again.
Rose: That's easy for you to say! Don't you realised that you've just destroyed an entire city's faith and hope and sent them into a void of unspeakable depression?
Ed: Hey, don't sound so ungrateful, we just save your city from a false prophet! I mean okay we've taken away a whole city's blissful happiness in the process, and possibly a few may commit suicide out of their misery, but hey! Truth, freedom and atheism are the world's ultimate Goods! (Elric Brothers walk away) See ya!
Al: Man, I wonder how we'll screw up the next place we visit. Hey, weren't we supposed to get something from someone?
Ed: To be honest I can't remember. Ah, I'm sure it'll come to us eventually.
Cornello: Lust! LUST! You've gotta help me! The city mob is out to get me! Oh yes and my Philosopher's Stone broke.
Lust: Yeah well I'm afraid that Philosopher's Stone we gave you is alot like our relationship. It was not made to last.
Cornello: WHAT? But-but Lust, I thought we had something special?
Lust: We did, the special's gone, it's time to move on to the next guy. A woman has needs after all, AGIGIDI GOO! You can have the leftovers, Gluttony!
Gluttony: Mmmmm, false prophet. (Druels)
Random City Dweller: Where is that false prophet?
Cornello: I'm not a false prophet. Behold my power! (Creates a flock of birds)
City Dwellers: Wow, a miracle!
Random City Dweller No.2: But what if it's another trick?
Random City Dweller No.1: This couldn't be! I mean I know he's doing the exact same thing as before, but that doesn't necessarily mean that there's a certainty that it's a trick!
Commentator: And so, the homunculus Envy duped the people of lior into thinking that he was the son of God, making the Elric brothers' efforts completely pointless.
Professor: Oh well. At least Rose looks sceptical.
Commentator: You know, I think either the adaptator or the dubber has more issues with religion than the manga writer.
Professor: It's probably the dubber.
THE END
Commentator: So wait, that's it?
Professor: What do you expect from two twenty minute long episodes?
Commentator: I know, I'm just used to commentating on long 8,000 film parody epics, that's all.
Professor: By the way, what was up with the Homunculi at the end? I thought we had standards?
Commentator: Apparently this is important later on in the abridged series.
Sammy: (slivers in) You know, I'm not too sure about this Edward fellow. He seems to change ideas alot. I mean one minute he was talking about how there's no God and that alchemists are the closest thing to God, then the next he was talking about how people shouldn't venture into God's domain. What was up with that?
Commentator: I think it makes sense if you're Japanese.
Sammy: -I don't quite follow.
Commentator: (Sigh), Well it's interesting to note that when Ed was talking about the consequences of venturing into 'the realm of God,' he used the word 'Kamisama' as opposed to 'Kami o,' which is used throughout the series.
Sammy: -Is there a difference?
Commentator: A slight difference, and one not well known among those outside of Japan. You see, although idiotic westerners who don't know squat about Japanese think that 'Kamisama' means 'God', as in 'The God', this is not necessarily the case. They probably think this because they think that 'Kami' literally means 'god', as in any god. This is not true at all. A better translation of 'kami' is 'spirit', and what the idiotic translators who mix up words like 'baka' and 'obake' don't realise is that 'kamisama' can be equally translated in the plural, and is used to collectively refer to those of the Shinto pantheon.
Professor: And how can you be sure that it's been translated correctly?
Commentator: Well, because the honorific 'sama,' which-
Sammy: Means Lord or Lady?
Commentator: ...No, no, NO! Well, not necessarily. 'Sama' is an honorific used to address someone of higher status. So 'kamisama' can be literally translated to mean 'high spirit,' in other words, a god. This is in contrast to 'Kami o,' which I think means something like 'Supreme Spirit,' which is essentially what God is.
Professor: So, what's your point?
Commentator: Well, what Ed was basically talking about, in one interpretation, was violating 'the realm of the gods,' which is another way of saying 'violating the laws of nature' or 'the laws of the universe'. And even though, given the European-like culture of the Amestrians, he probably was talking about 'the realm of God,' to the Japanese audience he could have equally been talking about 'the realm of the gods'.
Sammy: Ohhhh, so that's how he was able to talk about how people shouldn't violate God's Realm, and still be an atheist!
Commentator: Exactly! Well either that or he was justing pulling Rose's chain earlier.
Sammy: Wow! Thanks Boss! I found this discussion very enlightening.
Commentator: Next I'll tell how 'demon' is a bad translation for 'yokai,' and if anything 'oni' should be translated as 'demon'. Along with 'ogre'.
Professor: No! No more ranting about mistranslations! If you want to complain that yokai shouldn't be translated as 'demon' or oni shouldn't always be translated as 'ogre,' wait for 'Inuyasha Abridged (With Commentary)'.
Commentator: -But that will take from forever to never!
Professor: Yes, I'm well aware of this fact.
Commentator: ...You know what, screw you Prof! I'll find someone who enjoys my debates! Hey Ed!
Ed: Yeah?
Professor: Where did he come from?
Commentator: I heard that you hate the traversty that is 'Smallville'?
Ed: Gasp! You mean you hate 'Smallville' too?
Commentator: Hate it? I loathe it! Well season 3 and post-'Solitude' at least.
Ed: You know what, I've always thought that's where it all went wrong-
Professor: Oh God, there's two of them!
Sammy: I guess that's what happens when there's one guy writing this.
Commentator: Join us next time on 'Full Metal Alchemist Abridged (With Commentary)'! The next episode is entitled 'The Longest Flashback Ever Produced'! Don't miss out!
Ed: Wait, the longest what ever produced?
Commentator: Oh, nothing!