Wrapping a snake around my face so that no one will recognise me as I walk through the busy streets of Konoha, I instinctively move towards my destination, little Sasuke at my heels.

"Psst, Sasuke-kun, where are we again?" I hiss as I realize I have no idea where I'm heading.

"Keep going for two more blocks, turn right and he's the third door on the left." Sasuke sighs, disappointed at my lack of direction.

"Ah yes, I remember now." I tell him, although I still have no idea.

I follow Sasuke past various buildings until we arrive outside a bright green house, sparkling in the glare of the sun. This must be his house. I reach out my fist and loudly thump on the orange door. I decide if he isn't in I'll put a live snake in his bed, I'm sure he would appreciate a gift like that. But I am pleased to hear the familiar sound of a lock being undone and the door slowly opens to reveal… Might Gai.

"Gai-kun! How are you?" I exclaim, throwing the snake off my face and onto his carpet.

"Ah! Oro-kun! Just the same as I remember, but your youth has shrivelled out of your skin! And your hair is starting to shed. What happened to your youthful bowl cut?" Gai says, throwing his arms around my neck, giving me a big sloppy grandma kiss on my bald patch. Sasuke watches me with a disgusted expression on his porcelain white face. I decide he must want to join in.

"Sasuke-kun, when you are older, you will have many experiences like this, but for now you must content yourself with watching, no matter how painful it is to watch, it is still considered part of your training!" I lecture him. Sasuke throws up in Gai's rose bush of youth.

Looking up at me weakly, he whispers, "You had a bowl cut?!"

"Why don't you come in and I'll make you both a youthful energy drink!" Gai shouts, punching his fist into the air. "Lee-kun! Get the radishes and raw eggs, while you're at it you could put on the stove because we're going to make some 'Gai's special blend' ENERGY DRINKS!"

"YOSH! I will do my best Gai-sensei!" I hear, a far off yell coming from somewhere inside the house.

"Come in! You too, Sasuke-chan, you can play out back with Lee-kun while Orochimaru-sensei and I catch up on some conversation!" Gai says, poking a fuming Sasuke on the nose. Gai then takes me by the hand and leads my into his sitting room.

"You can take a seat here while Lee-kun and I make you a nice warm drink." He says, patting me on the shoulder and leaving the room.

"Who is maniac?! I demand to know why you brought me into this house!" Sasuke screams at me the minute Gai is gone.

"Don't be so mean, Sasuke-kun! Gai-kun is just as strange as you or I, so you have no right to treat him like he's some kind of leper!" I wave my finger at Sasuke as I speak. We both turn around as a loud clattering sound comes from the kitchen, and shouts of "Lee, you've cooked those jellyfish eggs wrong! Put those sheep ears back where they belong!" "Sorry Gai-sensei! I'll put them in to boil with the cat heart, radishes and super hot chilli peppers!" "You're learning well! Now hand me the eggs and get back to work!"

Sasuke turns a shade of white I never thought existed, and runs out of the room.

"Sasuke-kun, the toilet isn't that way-" I am cut off by the sound of Sasuke throwing up in Gai's hall. What an embarrassment he is! But I hear footsteps and turn around to see Gai carrying a tray of drinks. Wearing a pair of bright green speedos and his usual orange leg warmers.

I have to stop my self from saying Gai, I want your youthful body to be mine! Instead I smile pleasantly and say "You look lovely! Are those designer pants?"

"Why, yes they are!" He says, flattered by my compliment. He hands me a glass full of baby poo brown liquid, topped with a raw egg floating like a crap that won't flush. "I made this one especially good, just for you…"

"Oh… thankyou very much… SASUKE-KUN GET OUT HERE, DON'T MAKE US ALL WAIT FOR YOU TO FINISH EMPTYING YOUR STOMACH ON THE CARPET!!" I yell, hoping that Sasuke will come in and try this foul looking substance before I touch it.

"Uhh, Gai-sensei, was this cat alive before today?" Sasuke says quietly, supporting himself on the wall, holding a limp ball of fur.

Lee freezes, holding his hand to his mouth. "Fluffy!! What happened?!" He wails, snatching the animal from Sasuke and clutching it to his chest.

"Um, well… you know how I was, er, kinda sick on your carpet…? Well, let's just say the cat got in the way, and er… yeah…" Sasuke blushes, leaving Lee snivelling into the dirty creature.

"Never mind that, it's all in the past now!" I exclaim, eager to get Sasuke to try the drink. "Sasuke-kun, have a nice big sip of this to calm you down!" I tell him, handing the glass to him, trying not to gag at the passing smell.

His wide eyes connect with mine, silently praying for me not to make him drink it. I snort and pour the whole glass down his throat. The reaction is… fairly unpredictable. His eyes begin to bulge, face turning a bright shade of green, his whole body shaking violently. "FIRE!!" He finally screams, and commences with running around the room, tipping over every chair and table in his sight.

"Sasuke-kun, get over here and stop embarrassing me!" I shake my head at him. "Er, Gai-kun, I think I'm going to have to refuse your drink, I'm very sorry but I seem to have lost my appetite at the moment…" I look apologetically at Gai, then decide to go for a different approach and use all my ultimate sexiness to seduce him into letting me off. I attempt to lick my lips, but end up cleaning my eyeballs by accident instead.

Gai looks like a lost puppy. "Very well then… but please, let me make you some dinner later! You will be staying over night won't you?" He perks up, waiting for an answer.

This is an offer I can't refuse! Alone time with Gai?! Lock Sasuke away with the creepy little Lee kid, and then… Gai will be all mine!

"Oh yes, we'll be staying!" I answer, perhaps a little too quickly.

"Great! Sorry, we don't have enough space for you to have your own room… but you can share with me if that's okay?"

"Oh, I'm okay with that…" I say in mock disappointment.

This is going to be the most fun I've had in a while, I think while rubbing my hands together.

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Kyaa!! And that's the end of chapter one. I'll be writing more of this crack, wether you like it or not. But reviews are welcome anyway. I love suggestions, so tell me something funny and I'll put it in… hehe…

Thanks to flamablezombie for helping out… you smell like a grandpa dog, you do.