Warning: This story contains mentions of male/male sexual relationships, and strong language. If you are offended by this, I suggest you don't read it.
Not an mpreg, despite the title.
The shockwave from the explosion hit him in the back with the force of a freight train, driving the air from his lungs and sending him flying. It was a while before he landed, too, as half the mountainside crumbled away in response, and he found himself sliding downwards atop an avalanche of rocks, plants and loose dirt. The first breath he did manage to take, when he came to a stop, had him coughing and choking on dust.
Reno lay there, stunned and spluttering, and trying to breathe, until a beeping from his wrist had him looking downwards. The irritating sound was his watch, letting him now that the counter had just hit zero, and the bomb was going to go off.
"Fuckin' early?" he gasped out. He was going to kill Rude, as soon as he could move again.
He heard a tumbling sound, and saw another rock, rounded, bouncing and tumbling down from some unknown point above, heading straight towards him. No, don't hit me, he whined mentally. Aim for the bald idiot running towards me. But he revised his opinion as it drew closer; it didn't sound like a rock, and when it came to a stop just a foot away from him, he could see it had cracks running through it.
Huh. An egg?
It didn't look like any egg Reno had ever seen, but that wasn't saying much. Leaving aside his well-known aversion for the whole wilderness-adventure thing, they'd been sent here to destroy one of ShinRa's old, secret labs – so secret that even ShinRa hadn't known it was here until somebody stumbled across it in some old records. With as many records as had been lost, there were probably dozens more out there, and the monsters around said labs tended to be . . . strange. At the very least.
Some bird or – thing – was going to come back and be unable to find its egg. Or its nest. Or possibly even its mountain. Yeah, in addition to lecturing Rude for nearly blowing him up, he could also tell his partner off for endangering local wildlife. Killing baby birds, or even baby things, was really low, after all.
As he watched, another crack spread over the surface of the egg. It jiggled. Well, maybe it's not so dead after all? Hey. Go, egg-thing!
Another jiggle, and popped into two pieces, something grey and orange tumbling out the middle. It uncurled and shook all over, before turning two wide, over-sized eyes in Reno's direction, and letting out a piteous cry.
Well, that sure wasn't any bird he'd ever seen. Some kind of lizard, maybe. And it was weird-looking, no denying that.
Something blocked out the sun. "Are you alright?" Rude demanded, leaning over him.
"Gee," drawled Reno. "I just got blown up, and thrown halfway down a mountainside. With half the mountain, yo. Do you think I'm alright?" He paused. A tirade wasn't all that effective while lying on your back with the subject of said tirade standing over you. And he didn't get to lecture people often; he was going to enjoy it. "Help me up."
He groaned a little as Rude tugged him upright, and brushed ineffectively at his suit. It was true he wasn't exactly known for his sartorial splendour, but this was too much even for him. He could see his knee through a hole in his pants, and that just plain embarrassing. "I want a potion when we get back," he grumbled. "Make that two."
"Are you bleeding to death?" Rude asked.
"Fuck no."
"Then good luck with that."
"Hey, where's the freakin' sympathy?!" Reno cried in outrage.
An equally outraged cry came from somewhere near the ground. They both looked down.
The little lizard thing was standing by his feet, a claw resting on one shoe, its head tilted back to look up at them.
"What is that?"
"That," Reno said, "is a poor, defenceless, probably endangered species that your bomb just rendered homeless. And you forced it into premature hatching, yo."
There was a moment's silence before Rude spoke again. "It's ugly."
"Oh, now that is truly heartless. Having taken away everything this little guy knows, you have insult his looks, too?" Reno bent down, picked it up, and decided that even so, Rude had a point.
About a foot long, with dark, pebbly grey skin, it had a spiky orange crest, and two odd-looking stubs sticking out its back, just behind its front legs. "Hey, you don't think this is some kind of dragon or something, do ya?"
"If it is, it's deformed."
"You're gonna hurt his feelings," Reno said in a warning tone. He didn't need to remove his partner's sunglasses to know exactly what kind of look he was getting. He was sidetracked when it let out another cry. "You think something's wrong with it?"
"It just hatched?"
"Yeah."
"It's probably hungry."
"Huh." He shoved it at Rude, who flinched back as if it were a bomb. One of his stupid, defective, blowing-up-thirty-seconds-too-early-and-taking-out-half-a-mountain bombs. "Hold this."
Lizard-thing successfully transferred, he reached into his pocket and pulled out a candy bar. It took some effort – the trip down the mountainside had smooshed it so flat it was oozing out its wrapper and sticking to the lining of his suit jacket. "Ugh." He tore the remaining wrapper away, pulled loose a gooey clump of nuts, caramel and half-melted chocolate and held it out. The lizard's tongue flicked in and out a few times, then his head darted forward so fast Reno barely saw it move. "Damn. That was quick." He pulled another piece loose. He cackled as it snatched up the second piece even faster. "Look at that! Little bastard's fast, yo."
Rude just waited patiently until Reno was finished plying the creature with chocolate and then set it down.
"There," Reno said, satisfied. "Go find your mama, little lizard-thing." He turned away. "Now I hope that unscheduled avalanche did not bury the helicopter, or I am kicking your ass all the way back to Edge."
"The chopper's fine."
"That makes one thing 'round here at least. That bomb was s'posed to take out the lab, not an entire fuckin' mountain range, and it went off early! What the hell was up with that, yo?"
"New compound," Rude said. "Guess it's not quite stable yet."
"Not quite stable? You sent me out with un-fucking-stable explosives?" Reno's voice climbed into previously unscaled heights.
"It seemed stable. Maybe proximity to high mako concentrations affect it? ShinRa labs are practically painted with the stuff." Rude frowned, but it wasn't an unhappy look. It was the look that said he'd just found something puzzling in regards to his favourite hobby, and he was looking forward to messing around with more highly explosive substances until he figured it out.
And people thought Reno was the crazy one. He reached out and smacked his partner around the back of the head, then cursed, shaking his hand. Shoulda used my damned rod. He hadn't even managed to knock the shades loose.
Another one of those oddly piercing cries from behind him made him stop. He turned. The lizard-thing was about a foot behind him, clearly following. "Hey, go find your mama, I got no more candy left."
An amused sound from his partner had him swinging around. "What? You got something to say, Mr I-tried-to-blow-up-my-partner?"
Rude made a half-hearted attempt to hide his smirk. "It's found its mama."
"What? Where?" Reno looked around, hoping to hell it wasn't actually a baby dragon, deformed or otherwise.
"You."
"You been smoking your own chemical compounds?"
"You were the first thing it saw, and you fed it. Welcome to motherhood."
"Fuck that. You're so not funny. And I'm kicking your ass as soon as I get rid of all these bruises, yo."
"Hn."
"Anyway, it's not coming back with us, so it'll get the idea soon enough." He turned back and flapped a hand at it. "Go on, get lost. Shoo. Go away."
The orange crest flattened, and the lizard's head lowered. It made a soft hurring sound, and Reno felt a pang of guilt, until he remembered it was just an ugly lizard-thing, and he'd already given up a candy bar for it. It might have been an inedible candy bar, but it had been his, dammit. He continued to shoot glances over his shoulder as he walked towards the chopper, but it didn't follow.
"Y'know," he said as he settled into the cockpit and tugged on the headset, "you're lucky we're not still sleeping together."
Rude gave him a puzzled look as he pulled his own headset on. It had been awhile since they'd been fuck buddies, and even then, it had mostly been boredom and the fact that they were stuck in that oversized tree-house masquerading as a medical clinic, Healin Lodge.
May it be burnt to a crisp in a forest fire, Reno prayed silently, out of sheer force of habit.
"Because," he said, answering the unasked question, "you would so not be getting any tonight. Hey, speaking of getting any, how're things going with Tifa?"
Rude deliberately looked out the window, making it clear he was being ignored. Like that was going to deter him.
"Because you should probably rethink the whole dating a terrorist – sorry, former terrorist - thing. The first time you piss her off, or just don't ring all her bells in bed, she's gonna stumble across your little chemistry set and decide to remember the good old days . . ."
Neither of them noticed the little grey shape that darted up one strut and into the space behind the seat just as Reno pulled his door shut.
The new ShinRa HQ was the tallest building in Edge, but that wasn't saying a lot. Some of the ruins around the crater that had been Midgar stretched higher, only they were completely uninhabitable. Mostly Plate supports, twisted and broken. It could have been taller, grander, but Rufus insisted it was important to break with ShinRa's old image, and go for something less imposing. Reno grinned every time he saw it. Even with their new image in mind, Rufus hadn't been able to resist making it just that last little bit taller. Two floors wasn't much, but it was enough.
One floor, actually and a hangar which held the five helicopters that remained of ShinRa's once vast fleet. Just thinking of those that had been destroyed when Meteor hit made Reno want to cry. He'd always considered Midgar a pit, above-Plate little better than below. A little tidier perhaps, but the inhabitants were simply a different class of snake. Causing the destruction of such wonderful birds – the latest technology, of course – was a crime which for Sephiroth truly deserved to burn in hell.
He landed on the pad and filled in the flight-log while waiting for the rotors to stop. It was the one bit of paperwork he never skimped on, but only because it was important to see the choppers were properly maintained. Then he hung the headset over the back of the seat, and climbed out. Rude was already waiting for him by the roof access, leaning against the wall, arms crossed.
He was halfway across the tarmac, when he saw Rude slide his shades down and stare at something behind him. Then those massive shoulders started shaking.
Reno turned. Not far behind him, one foot raised as if to take another step, wide eyes and fixed on him, was the lizard-thing. It placed the foot back down without moving forward, ducked its head, and called out, tentatively, "Huuurr?"
"I am not your mama!" Reno shouted.
It huddled in on itself, and he muttered his next words without much force. "Go away."
"Hurr." It scampered forward, and rubbed its head against the side of his shoe.
"Well, damn. You think I'm some kind of soft touch or something? You go following me 'round, you're just gonna get stood on, stupid reptile." Reno turned and stomped determinedly towards the access stairs. He didn't look back to see if it had followed.
"So the laboratory was successfully destroyed?" Tseng asked.
"Along with half the countryside, yo!" Reno said, still sounding aggrieved.
"Ah. I just wished to be certain, as it was hard to figure out if, amongst all your complaints, the words 'target destroyed' featured at all. In the interest of clarity and coherency, I'd like a written report to submit to the President." Tseng's lips twitched. "It will be easier on his ears."
"I'll see to it, sir," Rude replied, before Reno could object. The redhead was not known for his love of paperwork. He tended to get creative with it, folding it into paper planes and using it to test his theories on aerodynamics. One report had even shown up on Tseng's desk in the form of an origami helicopter, which didn't successfully hide the fact that the writing inside was completely illegible.
"I'd also like your notes on the compound you used for the research department."
Rude stiffened. He liked to keep his experiments and their results secret. "But sir -"
"No buts. I will ensure full credit, and any intellectual property rights go to you – which you would appreciate if you'd ever had to deal with the sharks Rufus calls in-house counsel – but it seems remarkably effective. And perhaps we can avoid your nearly blowing up your own partner, next time."
"Yeah!" Reno seconded enthusiastically. It was echoed by a sharp little cry from the vicinity of his ankles.
"Which brings me to my final question, gentleman. What is that?"
"That is one of that reckless madman's helpless victims!" Reno proclaimed dramatically. "Its home was destroyed in the explosion -"
"Wildlife from the area surrounding the lab. It hatched just after the bomb went off, and appears to have imprinted on Reno, sir."
"Imprinted?" Tseng blinked, and looked at Reno. "It thinks you're its mother?" He stood up, and leaned right over the desk to get a better look. The lizard stared fiercely back at him, orangey crest raised. His eyes slid to Reno, who was glaring after the 'mother' remark, spiky red hair as unkempt as always. "I see. There is a resemblance."
Rude made a muffled snickering sound.
"I am not that thing's damned mama!" Reno objected loudly. "It just followed me back here, is all!"
"I see. You could always take it down to Environmental Science. It doesn't look like anything I recognise, and they're greatly interested in any mako-induced mutations."
Environmental Science was a department responsible for determining what impact the Mako-reactors – and various other ShinRa projects – had on the surrounding environment. It was true the WRO was conducting research on this as well, but Rufus wanted to know first, and from his own people. It made it easier to handle any necessary interventions, and was also good PR.
"Yeah, I'll do that, yo." Reno nodded, and grabbed Rude by the arm, dragging him towards the door. His earlier ire seemed to be forgotten. "C'mon partner, let's go. I got a scaly little shadow to lose."
"My goodness!"
Reno wrinkled his nose at the scientist who crouched in front of the lizard, peering at it through heavy-framed glasses. The man should be ashamed to be such a clichéd science geek, as far as he was concerned. And who the hell said 'my goodness' anyway?
"It certainly doesn't resemble any species I'm familiar with," Dr Geek continued. It was unfortunate that his name really did start with g, and was completely unpronounceable. Dr Geek was one of those nicknames that was gonna stick. At least if Reno had anything to say about it. Something about the guy rubbed him wrong. "Those lumps on its back – could be a deformity rather than a true mutation; we'll have to do a genetic scan and look for species markers. And an internal comparison, too. If it's this noticeable a difference on the outside, who knows what its inner workings will show?"
"Like xrays and stuff?"
"Oh, for starters, yes. Although the final examination will be an autopsy – some things you just can't fully appreciate until you see them laid out in front of you."
Reno blinked. Maybe he'd change it to Dr Ghoul. Were all scientists this creepy? He'd always thought it was just Hojo . . .
"Right. Well, we should be going. Reports to write, and all that." He edged towards the door.
"Of course. Thank you for bringing in this lovely specimen. It's so much easier than having to go out and collect them myself. And of course, it helps that it's not afraid of humans, too." Dr Geek scooped up the little lizard with ease. "Stacy!" he called, walking towards one of the shining steel countertops. "Can you bring me the sample kit?"
Reno closed the lab door behind him with an emphatic click, and sighed. "Man, that was creepy. I much prefer the whole blowing laboratories up, yo? Is it just me, or are all scientists actually freaky nutjobs who like cutting stuff up way too much?" He ran his hand through his spikes in agitation.
"Are you feeling guilty?"
"What?" Reno looked in Rude in bewilderment. "For saying Dr Gikko-whatsit is a freaky nutjob?"
"No, for leaving the lizard there."
Reno laughed. "Why would I feel guilty about that? It's just some annoying little pest that wouldn't stop following me."
"Because it did follow you, and you handed it over to someone who's avowed goal is to cut it up to see what its insides look like?"
A momentary flash of something flickered across Reno's face, but then he snorted, "Yeah, right. I'm gonna torture myself over the fate of some runty little lizard thing for the rest of my life." He thumped Rude on the arm. "Let's get back to the office, yo. You got a report to write."
Oddly enough, they hadn't quite made it to the elevators when Rude's PHS rang. "Hello? Yes, sir. We are, sir. On it."
"What's up?" Reno asked.
"That was Tseng. He wanted to know where we were. Apparently the Environmental Science lab has just declared a medical emergency, and asked for security to help in containing a dangerous specimen."
"Uh, Rude? You don't s'pose that guy has Hojo-type critters in there, do you?"
"You know the President doesn't approve of that particular line of research."
This was true. Monsters, or even genetically-altered humans, were just so damned hard to control, according to Rufus. He'd much rather have a reliable weapon any day, or so he said.
"Right. Let's go."
When the lab door opened, they were immediately overwhelmed with a sharp, acrid smell, which Reno recognised as vomit. He readied his EMR, feeling the slight tingle as it went 'live'.
They edged inside. Rude had his gun out, as his preferred method of dealing with trouble was unlikely to be of much use in this situation, and swept it cautiously over the lab.
"Oh, over here!" a female voice called. It had to be the lab assistant, Stacy. They pulled the door shut behind them, and walked around the examination table.
She knelt beside Dr Geek, who was covered in his own vomit, and blowing green bubbles through the spittle surrounding his mouth.
"You have to catch it, or kill it, or something before the medical team can come in!"
"It? What are we looking for?" Reno asked.
"The lizard you bought in!"
"Whoa. That did this?" Reno grinned. "Cool."
Stacy gave him a reproachful look. "It bit Dr Gikotorask when he went to draw a blood sample."
"Yeah, needles are nasty," Reno commiserated.
Something darted out from under a counter, and Stacy shrieked. "Look out!"
It was the lizard. It ran up to Reno's foot, chittering madly, then stopped, rubbing against the shoe with a distressed hurring sound. "Aw, c'mere, little guy." Reno stooped and picked him up. "Don't worry, no more needles." He scratched it lightly under the chin, and its eyes closed in pleasure.
"Guess I'll just take him with us," he told Stacy. "Your medical team can come in now."
He sauntered back out, a grin on his face.
Some time later, he watched in fascination as the little lizard devoured several paperclips. It had already chewed through the memos that they'd been attached to. Rude sat at his own desk, typing up a report on both the earlier mission, and their little mishap in the laboratory.
Tseng emerged from his office, and cleared his throat. "I though you might like to know, the medics have declared the bite to be non-fatal, although fairly toxic. The effects are unpleasant, but Dr Gikotorask will recover."
"Gee, too bad," Reno said. He flicked open his stapler, and tipped it upside down so the contents fell out in front of his new pet. The lizard ate the staples, and started eyeing the stapler.
"Might I ask if you are intending to keep that . . . creature?"
Reno shrugged. "Why not? Did you see how sick he made that guy? And look, he'll eat anything!" Sure enough, the stapler was now being enthusiastically gnawed upon.
"Understand, Reno, that I will not accept 'the lizard ate my paperwork' as an excuse for late or missing reports."
"Yeah, yeah." The possibility was just another reason to make sure Rude did all paperwork from now on, as his partner didn't have to worry about hungry lizards on his desk.
"And you will keep it under control. If it causes any trouble during working hours -" Tseng paused, trying to think of a threat he hadn't already used on Reno in the past.
"Don't worry, I'll take good care of him." Reno grinned. "I think I'll call him Runt."
Yes, there will be more of this in the future; the next story is half done.