Disclaimer: I don't own Final Fantasy Seven characters or Shakespeares play, though do I ever wish I did.
Final Fantasy Seven in Shakespeare's Romeo and Juliet
Starring
Of the house of Avalanche
-------------------------
Cloud Strife: Romeo
Aeris Gainsborough: Mercutio
Barret Wallace: Benvolio
Wedge: Balthasar
Jessie: Abraham
Biggs: Montague Servingman
Cid Highwind: Montague
Shera: Lady Montague
Of the house of Shinra
----------------------
Tifa Lockheart: Juliet
Yuffie Kisaragi: Juliet's Nurse
Sephiroth: Tybalt
Jenova: Lady Capulet
Hojo: Capulet
Rude: Paris
Rufus Shinra: Peter
Elena: Sampson
Reno Tarshil: Gregory
Of neither houses
-----------------
Omega Weapon: Prince Escalus
Bugenhaagen: Friar Laurence
Heidegger: Apothecary
Two households, both alike in dignity,
In fair Midgar, where we lay our scene,
From recent grudge break to new battles,
Where Mako makes gloved hands unclean.
From forth the conflicts of these two enemies
A pair of star-crossed lovers take their life;
The which of you with patient ears attend,
What here shall miss, our toil shall strive to mend.
*Enter Reno and Elena, servingmen of the house of Shinra.*
Elena: Reno, on my word, we'll not carry Mako.
Reno: No, for then we shall be workmen.
Elena: And if we work in Mako, we will become mutants.
Reno: Thus, our meaningless lives will be over.
Elena: This parts boring.
Reno: I agree. Let's skip to the fight.
Elena: Ok
Um... Draw thy Electro-Mag Rod! Here comes three of the house of Avalanche!
*Enter Wedge, Jessie and Biggs, of the house of Avalanche.*
Elena: Avalanche soldiers ho! Quarrel, Reno, I will back thee.
Reno: Quarrel, you say? Right.
*Reno turns and flips the three Avalanche members off.*
Wedge: Yooo…. Did you just flip us off?
Reno: If I say yes, would that be bad?
Biggs: Uhhh… I dunno.
Elena: I dunno either. Let's just assume so.
Reno: Hey Elena! You're supposed to be on my side!
Elena: Yea, well you never said yes! I'm just giving my opinion! Can't I do that without a third-degree hassling from you?
I mean, who do you think you are anyway? You're not all big and bad so you just need to chill out!
Reno: ...
Jessie: Are you playing games with us? Cuz if so, we'll kill you!
*Reno pulls out his Electro-Mag Rod.*
Reno: Really, now?
Wedge: Yeah!
Elena: Draw if you be men!
Jessie: What if we're NOT men...
Biggs: Draw anyway, are you gonna miss out on a good fight beating up them TURKS? Besides, here comes good ol' Barret!!
*They fight.*
*Enter Barret Wallace, of the house of Avalanche.*
Barret: Heellooo, wussup people?
….
Oh yeah. Um, part fools! Or I'll hafta kill you all!
Reno: As if you could! Feel the wrath of my Electro-Mag Rod! Mwahaha!!
Barret: Grr... *unleashes a blast of bullets*
Wedge: Hey Barret, buddy watch out! You just took out that pub!
Reno: That was my favourite pub! You're gonna pay now!
*Enter Sephiroth, of the house of Shinra.*
Seph: A bloody skirmish! I want in! Barret, look upon thy death! *Draws his long sword*
Barret: Wait, no, Sephiroth!! You're supposed to make peace first!
Seph: Psh. 'Peace'. I hate the word as I hate all Avalanche Soldiers!
Barret: Probably. Understandable.
Seph: *Maniacal laugh* Taste my long sword ho! Have at thee, coward! Midgar will burn!
Barret: AAAAAAAAAAAH! We're not supposed to fight for real! Calm down, Sephiroth!! Agh!
Seph: Fire fire! Buurn Midgar, burn burn!
*Sephiroth steps through the flames as his silvery hair glints in the firelight.*
*Enter Omega Weapon*
O.W: *stomp stomp* What noise is this?! Killing the Planet?? AGAIN!? Vile scullions, you must pay!!
*Omega Weapon unleashes a torrent of artillery blowing up sector two of Midgar. *
Reno: Hey. Who invited Omega Weapon into this?
Jessie: Them playwrights thought it would look good and impressive.
Wedge: And they don't care about Midgar?
Elena: Guess not. *stomp* Ooh watch out! This suit was just dry cleaned!
O.W: Rebellious humans! Profaners of this gloom filled reactor! Enemies to peace --
Reno: Oh, WE'RE enemies to peace? Look who just destroyed half of midgar!
O.W: Shut up. *stomp* Shunt thy weapons aside or I will blow Midgar into little bits! If you wanna test my patience,
or be a fool like this being under my stainless steel foot, watch this! Say goodbye to Costa Del Sol!
*In a flurry of missiles, Costa Del Sol is reduced to rubble.*
All: …
O.W: Good. Now get outta my sight. I mean... on pain of death, all men depart!
All: Yessir.
*Victory music plays. Exit all*
*Enter Barret, Cid and Shera Highwind of the house of Avalanche*
Cid: Where's that kid, Cloud? Saw you him today?
Barret: Nope. No idea.
Shera: I don't know either, hon, he's been out all day. Good thing he wasn't at the slums brawl. His buster blade is still
under re-sharpening.
Cid: Bah. @$#%! Barret! Go find him.
*Exit Cid and Shera of the house of Avalanche*
*Enter Cloud of the house of Avalanche*
Barret: Heeey, Cloud what's been up?
Cloud: Nothing too much. Those kidz in Sector 5 were calling me 'Chocobo-headed' again.
Barret: Really? That what got you so down?
Cloud: Nah. The Seven Eleven ran out of Premium Hair Glue.
*Enter Aeris of the house of Avalanche*
Aeris: Guys! Guess what! There's a party going down tonight at the House of Shinra's! We're not gonna miss out on this
are we? This is too good! I mean, I know exactly what I'm gonna wear! You know that silk pink dress with the vest
on the cover of Seventeen? Sweet! I got it today and --
What?
Barret: Eh, hate to burst your happy lil bubble, but aren't we the mortal enemies of the House of Shinra? Besides, Cloud
here ran out of his hair glue.
Aeris: No reason to miss out on a good party! Besides, I have a stop spell on me! How convenient! I've been waiting to
do this for a while! Barret, hold him upside down.
Cloud: *shriek*
Barret: Heh, got ya! Hold still now..
*Aeris casts the stop spell on Cloud's hair. Barret sets him back down*
Aeris: Look! Even better than hair glue!
Cloud: Hey... I guess it isn't all that bad!
Aeris: Of course not! Well, the party's at eight! Get ready!
*Aeris bounces off while Barret and Cloud return to the House of Avalanche. In other words, exit all.*
Final Fantasy Seven in Shakespeare's Romeo and Juliet
Starring
Of the house of Avalanche
-------------------------
Cloud Strife: Romeo
Aeris Gainsborough: Mercutio
Barret Wallace: Benvolio
Wedge: Balthasar
Jessie: Abraham
Biggs: Montague Servingman
Cid Highwind: Montague
Shera: Lady Montague
Of the house of Shinra
----------------------
Tifa Lockheart: Juliet
Yuffie Kisaragi: Juliet's Nurse
Sephiroth: Tybalt
Jenova: Lady Capulet
Hojo: Capulet
Rude: Paris
Rufus Shinra: Peter
Elena: Sampson
Reno Tarshil: Gregory
Of neither houses
-----------------
Omega Weapon: Prince Escalus
Bugenhaagen: Friar Laurence
Heidegger: Apothecary
Two households, both alike in dignity,
In fair Midgar, where we lay our scene,
From recent grudge break to new battles,
Where Mako makes gloved hands unclean.
From forth the conflicts of these two enemies
A pair of star-crossed lovers take their life;
The which of you with patient ears attend,
What here shall miss, our toil shall strive to mend.
*Enter Reno and Elena, servingmen of the house of Shinra.*
Elena: Reno, on my word, we'll not carry Mako.
Reno: No, for then we shall be workmen.
Elena: And if we work in Mako, we will become mutants.
Reno: Thus, our meaningless lives will be over.
Elena: This parts boring.
Reno: I agree. Let's skip to the fight.
Elena: Ok
Um... Draw thy Electro-Mag Rod! Here comes three of the house of Avalanche!
*Enter Wedge, Jessie and Biggs, of the house of Avalanche.*
Elena: Avalanche soldiers ho! Quarrel, Reno, I will back thee.
Reno: Quarrel, you say? Right.
*Reno turns and flips the three Avalanche members off.*
Wedge: Yooo…. Did you just flip us off?
Reno: If I say yes, would that be bad?
Biggs: Uhhh… I dunno.
Elena: I dunno either. Let's just assume so.
Reno: Hey Elena! You're supposed to be on my side!
Elena: Yea, well you never said yes! I'm just giving my opinion! Can't I do that without a third-degree hassling from you?
I mean, who do you think you are anyway? You're not all big and bad so you just need to chill out!
Reno: ...
Jessie: Are you playing games with us? Cuz if so, we'll kill you!
*Reno pulls out his Electro-Mag Rod.*
Reno: Really, now?
Wedge: Yeah!
Elena: Draw if you be men!
Jessie: What if we're NOT men...
Biggs: Draw anyway, are you gonna miss out on a good fight beating up them TURKS? Besides, here comes good ol' Barret!!
*They fight.*
*Enter Barret Wallace, of the house of Avalanche.*
Barret: Heellooo, wussup people?
….
Oh yeah. Um, part fools! Or I'll hafta kill you all!
Reno: As if you could! Feel the wrath of my Electro-Mag Rod! Mwahaha!!
Barret: Grr... *unleashes a blast of bullets*
Wedge: Hey Barret, buddy watch out! You just took out that pub!
Reno: That was my favourite pub! You're gonna pay now!
*Enter Sephiroth, of the house of Shinra.*
Seph: A bloody skirmish! I want in! Barret, look upon thy death! *Draws his long sword*
Barret: Wait, no, Sephiroth!! You're supposed to make peace first!
Seph: Psh. 'Peace'. I hate the word as I hate all Avalanche Soldiers!
Barret: Probably. Understandable.
Seph: *Maniacal laugh* Taste my long sword ho! Have at thee, coward! Midgar will burn!
Barret: AAAAAAAAAAAH! We're not supposed to fight for real! Calm down, Sephiroth!! Agh!
Seph: Fire fire! Buurn Midgar, burn burn!
*Sephiroth steps through the flames as his silvery hair glints in the firelight.*
*Enter Omega Weapon*
O.W: *stomp stomp* What noise is this?! Killing the Planet?? AGAIN!? Vile scullions, you must pay!!
*Omega Weapon unleashes a torrent of artillery blowing up sector two of Midgar. *
Reno: Hey. Who invited Omega Weapon into this?
Jessie: Them playwrights thought it would look good and impressive.
Wedge: And they don't care about Midgar?
Elena: Guess not. *stomp* Ooh watch out! This suit was just dry cleaned!
O.W: Rebellious humans! Profaners of this gloom filled reactor! Enemies to peace --
Reno: Oh, WE'RE enemies to peace? Look who just destroyed half of midgar!
O.W: Shut up. *stomp* Shunt thy weapons aside or I will blow Midgar into little bits! If you wanna test my patience,
or be a fool like this being under my stainless steel foot, watch this! Say goodbye to Costa Del Sol!
*In a flurry of missiles, Costa Del Sol is reduced to rubble.*
All: …
O.W: Good. Now get outta my sight. I mean... on pain of death, all men depart!
All: Yessir.
*Victory music plays. Exit all*
*Enter Barret, Cid and Shera Highwind of the house of Avalanche*
Cid: Where's that kid, Cloud? Saw you him today?
Barret: Nope. No idea.
Shera: I don't know either, hon, he's been out all day. Good thing he wasn't at the slums brawl. His buster blade is still
under re-sharpening.
Cid: Bah. @$#%! Barret! Go find him.
*Exit Cid and Shera of the house of Avalanche*
*Enter Cloud of the house of Avalanche*
Barret: Heeey, Cloud what's been up?
Cloud: Nothing too much. Those kidz in Sector 5 were calling me 'Chocobo-headed' again.
Barret: Really? That what got you so down?
Cloud: Nah. The Seven Eleven ran out of Premium Hair Glue.
*Enter Aeris of the house of Avalanche*
Aeris: Guys! Guess what! There's a party going down tonight at the House of Shinra's! We're not gonna miss out on this
are we? This is too good! I mean, I know exactly what I'm gonna wear! You know that silk pink dress with the vest
on the cover of Seventeen? Sweet! I got it today and --
What?
Barret: Eh, hate to burst your happy lil bubble, but aren't we the mortal enemies of the House of Shinra? Besides, Cloud
here ran out of his hair glue.
Aeris: No reason to miss out on a good party! Besides, I have a stop spell on me! How convenient! I've been waiting to
do this for a while! Barret, hold him upside down.
Cloud: *shriek*
Barret: Heh, got ya! Hold still now..
*Aeris casts the stop spell on Cloud's hair. Barret sets him back down*
Aeris: Look! Even better than hair glue!
Cloud: Hey... I guess it isn't all that bad!
Aeris: Of course not! Well, the party's at eight! Get ready!
*Aeris bounces off while Barret and Cloud return to the House of Avalanche. In other words, exit all.*