Alright people, I don't own Final Fantasy VII. I do own the special child. If I did own it I swear Tseng would have more scenes and the child would have been with him the whole time. Not only that but Sephiroth and Zak would be alive and totally not evil. Read & Review and stuffy.

Be warned though, it's OOC. Just easier for a comedy to be OOC.

Chapter 1: Mommy and Daddy

The Commander of the Turks, which recently got back to being an organization, was finally walking to his big expensive mansion in Edge. He was taken out of the office by the ex-president of Shinra, Rufus Shinra at 7:30 that night. While he hated the fact that he wasn't in the office doing work, work, and more work, he was glad that he didn't have to be in there. Being around a certain redhead pretty much ruined his whole day.

As he walked up the walkway, he saw something sitting on his front steps. He blinked a couple times. Not even the dogs would come that close to his home. Everyone in the whole neighborhood knew not to mess with him. He was the commander of the Turks. That meant his smiling façade could leave and he would tear their necks out.

He walked closer. It looked like a small child. That still didn't explain much. He didn't have any relatives. None of his "friends" had children. Why the heck was that child there? He continued to walk. He had to figure that question out.

Maybe it's not a child. Maybe it's a doll from those girl scout things. Rude said they leave anything on doorsteps. He thought.

The child in question jumped up. It made the commander a little more confused than before. He reached out his hand to touch the child. Instead of a face or something, he felt a mass of silky hair. That was something very unexpected. He expected the child to be a little taller. He was beginning to think that this was some kind of prank or something.

"Hi!" came the booming voice of the small child.

"Um…hello," he said uneasily.

He opened the door to his house, the lights automatically turned on. He looked back to see that it was a little girl. He shook his head. It could not be possible. A little girl sitting on his steps. He looked closer to see a note pinned to her shirt or dress or whatever.

Dear Turk Commander, this is my daughter, Kiwasaki. Please take care of her since I'm on vacation Costa del Sol and won't ever come back. She's two years old. She eats like crazy and will drink whatever. Be a little careful with her since she's so small. Well see ya'. PS. Her hair is naturally that color. Her eyes also are that color naturally. Ps. Ps. Never allow her to just cry seriously, you'll regret everything.

He looked at the girl strangely. This Kiwasaki was going to be his responsibility? Nope that was not going to happen. He was going to dump her off somewhere so he could get some rest. He knew all too well that children were evil. He's been dealing with Reno for almost forever.

"Mommy?" Kiwasaki called.

"Am not. You're mother is in Costa del Sol. She'll be back. My name is Tseng," he answered.

"MOMMY!!!!!" she cried.

Kiwasaki clutched onto Tseng's leg since she was barely tall enough to reach his knees. Tseng tried to shake her off. She had a strong grip he'd give her that. However, he had to get her off him. So he grabbed her by her waist to get her off.

He picked her up. He walked casually into his living room. He placed the sobbing girl on the couch. He smiled gently seeing her calm down. He went into the kitchen to fetch a cup of coffee. He grabbed some cold green tea for the young child in his living room. Of course he had to at least be nice until he could dump her off somewhere with someone.

Kiwasaki eagerly took it as he handed it to her on his return. As she drunk the tea, she felt it sliding down her shirt. She looked down, the cup tipping as she did so. She let out a little giggle. Soon half of said tea was all on the expensive ivy colored couch.

Tseng instantly grabbed the cup out of her hand. He looked between the mess, girl, and bathroom deciding what to do. He ran into the bathroom to get a clean towel to clean the mess. When he returned he saw that the mess was even bigger. He mentally cursed himself for leaving the cup on the coffee table.

"What did you do?" he screamed.

"I play. Drinky wikes couch, Mommy," she smiled innocently.

"How does the drink…I am not your mother!!"

"Mommy wells a wot."

"Why are you here?"

"I wove Mommy. Mommy funny."

Kiwasaki hugged the fuming Turk. She didn't understand too much about why he was angry. She thought that it was just him trying to be funny. She smiled even more as she felt him tighten his grip on her little shoulders.

"You are an impossible girl. I swear! You're worse than Reno!!" Tseng screamed at the top of his lungs.

"Mommy trute when mommy wells," She giggled even more.

"I AM NOT YOUR MOTHER!!!"

"Me no know mother. Me know Mommy. Mommy is mommy."

"Why me? Why did I get picked out of the hundreds of men on this Gaia forsaken planet?"

The phone began to ring. Rather than answer it like a normal person would, Tseng sent his "daughter" to get it. He had a guess that it was bill collectors or some people that pester others. Maybe if they heard the voice of a child they would leave him alone. He was after all said to have no one else living there.

"Yeah. Well is your mother there, Kiwasaki?" Tseng heard the other voice.

Is she dumb enough to hit the speaker option? I should forget it. After all she doesn't even know how to hold a normal cup. He sighed within his thoughts.

"Mommy here. I'll get Mommy, Wister Kwife," Kiwasaki said.

"No. It's Mr. Strife. Just call me Cloud."

"Ok, Stoud. Mommy, twelvapone!"

"I am not…wait you can't say telephone?" Tseng's mouth dropped.

"Tseng? Is this on speaker or something?"

"Yes."

"Mommy, I drinky!"

"When did you get a kid?"

"I don't have a child. She was on the steps. What is it child?!!"

"I drinky!"

"Speak English or Wutain, girl!"

"She wants something to drink. She must be about 1 ½ or 2."

Tseng growled gently. Leave it to Cloud to understand a child. He walked into the kitchen once again. He looked around for anything that could be used as a top for the girl. After what happened to his couch, he wasn't taking any chances.

Kiwasaki sat on the couch playing with her hair. She liked the awkward blue color that it had. Then again she was a little dense. She didn't even know it was her hair.

She continued playing with her hair as she heard talking in the room. She understood that it was from the telephone. She didn't know what he was talking about. She just knew he was still talking about something to her "mommy."

Tseng returned to the living room. He could hear the ramblings of Cloud about his day. Sometimes he wondered if the guy really was a guy. Ever since the return of Zak and Sephiroth, it seemed he was turning into a girl. Tifa and Aerith didn't talk half as much. This little brat didn't talk half as much.

He gave her the cup of apple juice. He was glad that he saved the tops of fast food restaurant cups. There was no way he was going to have juice stains anywhere else. If he did then someone was going to die. It wasn't going to be the brat because she was still a child, a small one at that.

"You're still meeting us at the bar right?" Cloud asked.

"Us? Bar? What?" Tseng asked.

"Yeah. You told Rude that you were meeting Zak, Reno, Cid, and I at the bar."

"I did?"

That explains why Rude was in the office. Doesn't explain why I forgot. I must still be pretty pissed off.

"But we'll just come to your place. You do have a child."

The phone clicked on the other side. Cloud had just hung up. That meant he was calling everyone that was supposed to be at the bar. Tseng hung his head low looking at Kiwasaki with a scowl. He didn't want to be bothered with all those people in his house. He didn't even want Kiwasaki there. Right now, he barely wanted to be there himself.

Kiwasaki drunk her juice through the orange straw. She heard that more people were coming by. That meant more of her "mommy's" friends were going to be there. She had to be on her best behavior. If she didn't then he would be mad.

"Stay here, Kiwasaki. I'm going to take a shower. If you take the top off that juice, I will kick your little ass," he said.

She nodded her head gently. She knew not to do anything wrong. She watched Tseng leave the room going up the stairs. She was already bored.

Mommy no give toys. I know. I taw piture for Mommy. Mommy happy piture. Mommy no be mad no more. Mommy tiend happy piture too.

She jumped off the couch. She walked over to the big desk in the left corner. There was paper on it. She jumped in the big chair only to find it spin. She started to spin in it for about fifteen minutes. She looked up the stairs to check if her mother was coming down. He wasn't coming yet. She grabbed the black pen and started drawing. The papers she was drawing on was the report Tseng had just filled out to give to Rufus. She didn't understand nothing on that was written so she continued to draw.

The doorbell started ringing. Kiwasaki got out the chair. Instead of answering the door or even going to it, she started drawing on the ivory white walls. It was more of scribbles than it was of anything. At least the pictures on paper was of two smiling people in a grassy meadow.

Tseng walked down the stairs. He was wearing a pair of navy blue sweatpants. The doorbell was ringing furiously. He held his head slightly as the impending headache started to come in. He walked over to the door only to see the scribbles on the wall. He was so ready to scream out loud about who knew what.

He opened the door to see the people he dreaded. They were Cloud Strife, Reno, Rude, Zak Fair, Cid Highwind, Vincent Valentine, and Sephiroth. How the latter two got involved, he didn't want to know.

"Hi there, Tseng ol' buddy ol' pal," Reno said.

"I am not your buddy or pal," Tseng said blankly.

The redhead walked into the house as if it were his own. He whistled at the look of the inside of the place. He had never been inside of it and barely got a look on the outside. He was going to have fun tonight.

"Hello, Tseng," Zak smiled.

"Hi to you as well, Zachary,"

The others said their hellos and walked into the room. No one noticed the young girl sitting at the desk once again. Cloud brought out two bottles of Scotch. He looked at Zak who took out two bottles of Jack Daniels. Reno brought out some Vodka. Rude had different types of juices and sodas. Cherries were provided by Cid. Tseng got some glasses from his cupboard.

After a couple of hours, it was clear to see that Reno was already drunk. Cloud had a slight buzz. Cid was starting to become like Reno. Rude and Tseng were enjoying the juices that were brought. Sephiroth, Zak, and Vincent were the only ones not affected by the alcohol.

"So where's the little bundle of joy, Tseng?" Reno slurred.

"Bundle of…? I don't know where the brat went…How do you?" Tseng looked at him.

"A certain blond Chocobo named Cloudy-kun said it," Zak smiled.

The young bundle of joy, namely Kiwasaki, walked over to her supposed mommy. She gave a small smile at the group of men on the couch. For the last couple of hours she had been drawing some more on Tseng's important papers.

"Drinky! I drinky," Kiwasaki said.

"I still don't understand you," Tseng grumbled.

"I think she said she has to go potty…ya know pissy," Cid laughed.

Tseng shot a glare at the drunken pilot. He grabbed the little girl into his arms, staring at her. He didn't understand what she was talking about, then again he could always ask Cloud. He looked over at the blond in question. He was dozing off. Too bad he didn't have anything Chocobo related to make him stay up.

"Choco-choco!!" Kiwasaki pointed excitedly at Cloud.

"Chocobo? Where's the Chocobo?" Cloud woke up.

"Choco-choco! Teko hair man is Choco-choco!"

Cloud looked at Cid. He pointed at him. When he saw her head shake no with the giggle he looked around the room. Rude was bald, Reno had red hair, Tseng had black hair as did Vincent, and Sephiroth's was that pretty silver color. So that could only mean one person.

"You think I'm a Chocobo?"

"Choco-choco!!"

Vincent smiled at her. She wasn't exactly as a brat. She was still pretty much a little kid. So he was ok with her. Just until she got older and started talking about cute guys and so on.

"Ampy!" Kiwasaki squealed at Vincent.

"You mean vampire?" Vincent asked.

"Uh huh."

Vincent held his arms out for her. Tseng happily gave her to him. He bounced the girl on his knee. He had never seen any child smile and giggle that much. Not after all the stuff that had happened to him. The events with DeepGround really did change his approach to life it seemed.

"So Tseng, where'd you find her?" Sephiroth asked.

"On my porch. She was just sitting there with this stupid note. I hate her parents," Tseng said.

"Mommy, I drinky!!" Kiwasaki whined despite the attention from Vincent.

Tseng shoved his cup of cranberry juice to her. He hadn't put anything to spike up his drink so it was safe for her. Well maybe it was. He didn't remember if Reno put something in that juice or the one he had before it. Oh well.

"So how did the two of you come?" Tseng asked Sephiroth and Vincent.

"Zak blackmailed me into coming," Sephiroth almost whispered.

"I had nothing better to do. Besides after hearing that the great general Sephiroth was being blackmailed, I had to come. Cloud is one to gossip about everything. So I thought maybe he knew something about me," Vincent shrugged.

"Man you suck, yo!" Reno said in a fit of giggles.

"Suck. I was gonna' say somethin' totally different," Cid laughed as well.

As Sephiroth and Vincent went chasing the two drunks around the room, Kiwasaki was passed into Zak's arms. He was playing with her. She was pretty cute for a little girl. Then again children were always pretty cute. And this one was giving Tseng a headache. He was going to become best friends with her.

"Rude, pass me the Gin," Tseng said.

"There is none. Reno drunk that in the first hour, boss," Rude said.

"Reno?" Kiwasaki asked.

"Yeah, Reno. He's that guy over there…precious," Zak pointed.

Reno was still running around the living room. If Tseng hadn't moved almost everything around the week before, it would probably be as messed up as it was before. He stopped when Zak said his name.

He walked over to the two allowing Cid to continue to be chased by Vincent and Sephiroth. He grabbed the hand of the small girl with a smile.

"What's your name, cutie-pie?" Reno asked.

"Tilataki," Kiwasaki said.

"What?"

"She said Kiwasaki," Cloud yawned.

"You understand her?" Zak looked at his best friend.

Cloud nodded his head slowly. The blond quickly fell asleep after that. Zak shook his head. He knew that Cloud couldn't hold any type of alcoholic drink. He should have guessed that it was going to be pretty funny to watch him fall asleep again.

Kiwasaki eyed Reno and those around her very carefully. A small, yet dangerous, smile came onto her lips. Soon it became a toothy grin where even her very sharp canine teeth started to show.

"Daddy!!!" She squealed loudly.

Tseng choked on his drink. He looked over to who she said was her father. His jaw dropped. He couldn't believe who it was.

A/N: Yupp I stopped it there. Sorry but you gotta' review first to get the next part. Of course you guys have the choice of who gets to be li'l Kiwasaki's father. I like it better that way then the way it turned out in my dream.

To clear up about some of the things she said, I have this section to tell you

Amy: Vampire

Drinky: Thirsty/Drink

Tilataki: Kiwasaki

Choco-choco: Chocobo

Wike: Like

Well: Yell

Wov: Love

Picture: Picture

Taw: Draw

Stoud: Cloud

Wister: Mister

Kwife: Strife

Twelvapone: Telephone

Tiend: Friend

Well see ya guys next time.