Song of the day: "Hit U Wit My Selfie" - Miss Triniti

It's like, boring being the hero of Hyrule. They don't let me update any of my stuff, I can't even post on Instagram without being like, attacked. I don't even understand why they bother. It's not like GanonDORK is any better with his stupid face in his selfies, I mean like, he doesn't even have that many followers. Who only has 12,000? He is such a loser. And the Sages think they always know best, like, "Link! Go get the Master Sword and defeat Ganon! LALALALala!" Ugh, they're such weirdos, it's like, not even funny. And honestly, Zelda is so fake, always saying, "Oh Link! Help me, I'm so USESLESS without you!" And then she doesn't even wanna get it on? Like, get real. I rode on a grandpa boat for like, a year, got turned into a half-wit MUTT, had to die over and over again to stop the MOON from falling, and you whine about being in a cage? Like, #handleit by yourself.

Then there's Skull Kid. He's a PSYCHO. He's so twitchy and annoying, and like, why are you following me everywhere? Stalker much? Honestly, I get it, I'm a STAH, but back off you creeper. Honestly, I'm gonna call the cops if he keeps texting me about how he's gonna blow up the world. #Weirdo.

I just realized how like hot my selfies are. I should like, totally be a supermodel.

Ugh, Zelda keeps trying to call me. What is this, 2005? Text, stupid.

Hold on, I have to go ask Grandpa of Red Lions if he can get me a ride to the party. Honestly, I wanna get turnt up tonight, but no one ever takes me across Hyrule anymore? They think Epona can swim or some crap. Honestly, get your facts straight. And speaking of Epona, what's with this chick and eating carrots? Like girl, get a grip, stop gettin' desperate.

My Fire Rod is totes underused, I need to use it at the club tonight. Seriously, do you see the way people scream when it shoots flames? Turn up.

Honestly, who goes to that creepazoid place Malo Mart anymore? They're always playing that weird song that's really awkward.

Maybe if Smash Bros actually BUFFED me, I wouldn't be so low tier. It's like, you got something against elves? Racist much? Ugh, #haters.

Where can I buy a new phone in Hyrule? All they sell are bombs, arrows, and like, potions or something. More like poison. Don't even get me started on Beedle, always trying to sell me bags and berries. Ugh. Pervert much?

Honestly, maybe I should like, I dunno, get a tattoo. You know, YOLO, right?

Yeah, so, I'm gonna go take some more #selfies. See ya, loser hoes.

#instagreatness #instagenius #perfectselfiefordayz #like #followme #yeah #blessed #pray4meh #oopsimeantprayforyou #losers #nofilter #nomakeup #win

I'm so sorry.