I'm just killing time until the SN rerun comes on which is why I'm writing so much :) And yes I've seen it before, seeing how I mentioned it in here, but there's nothing else on that I want to watch right now-since Grey's kind of sucks at right now-which I'm sad about. But yeah, onto the story! lol.

Sam closed the door and sat on the toilet. Finally some peace and quiet. The recent events, the ghosts of the people they couldn't save, didn't help him much. The guilt that was always there was now He took out his knife and stared at it. It was a small pocket knife, but it was enough. He shook his head. How often had he done it in the past? There were still scars on his writs. He didn't want to kill himself, because of what Dean did for him, but he wasn't terribly upset about the idea of dying.

Until Dean returned. But still, the pain was too much-even now. All the secrets he was keeping from Dean. And all the guilt he still felt, it was piling on until it got to be too much for him. Plus the pain he felt was addicting.

He cut further from the writs. It was safer that way, and still satisfying. He grimaced as the knife went down on his skin, creating a little line. He sighed, already feeling better. The emotional pain already dissapearing.

"Sammy? You in there?"

Before he could hide it Dean opened the door and stared at Sam. Sam froze, the knife still on the skin, blood dripping onto his jeans.

Dean slowly opened the door more and walked inside.

"What the hell do you think you're doing Sam?" He said, his voice dangerously low.

"I..I..." Sam knew he couldn't weasel his way out of this one. He was caught with his hand in the cookie jar, so to speak. Dean just stared at him, taking deep breaths.

"How long?" Was the next question, catching Sam off guard.

"I...what?"

"How LONG?!" Dean roared it now, clutching his fists. Sam gulped. He was hardly ever scared of Dean, but this was one of those few times where he was.

"Since before you were killed," he admitted. Dean stared at him.

"Why." He said it as a statement, not a question.

"It started when I realized I couldn't save you. That I was going to watch you die, and there was nothing I could do about it. That pain, that sense of knowing, was....was too much for me," Sam said in a choked up voice, taking the knife away. "I wanted to see what it felt like at first. And I realized that I was concentrating so much on the physical pain, the emotional pain didn't bother me as much. So I..continued doing it." He hung his head in obvious shame, for being so weak. "And than when you died....I sometimes couldn't go through a day without...without it."

Dean took deep breaths, still trying to calm down.

"Give me the knife, Sam," he said, choosing his words carefully. Sam knew that now was not the time to obey. He handed Dean the knife. Than silently Dean went for the paper towel, took some, and pressed it on Sam's scar. It was than that he saw the other faded scars on Sam's wrists. He grabbed the hand and continued to stare at it.

"Dean let go," Sam begged. Dean ignored him and rolled up the other sleeve, while grabbing the other hand, and stared at it as well. "Please, Dean," Sam pleaded, tears falling in his eyes. "Let...go." He said this through gritted teeth and jerked his arms away.

"Damn it Sammy!" Dean cursed, anger in his voice. He swallowed the rage he felt. "I didn't die for you to do this to yourself!"

"You try living without me for four months and not do it!" Sam shot back. "You couldn't survive two days without me! You couldn't survive and you hurt so badly that you sold your soul after 48 hours. I had to live for four months without you. Not to mention that extra six months."

"Six months? When was that?" Confusion filled Dean's face.

"It's nothing...nevermind," Sam mumbled.

"Sam!" Dean's voice was somewhat threatening now.

Sam sighed.

"Remember that trickster? When he killed you over and over?"

"Yeah."

"Well I didn't repeat just that tuesday. I repeated the Wednesday too. You got shot on Wednesday and died in my arms. And I wouldn't wake up. I couldn't stop your death and I had to live for 6 months without you before I was able to track down the trickster and beg him to change it back to that Wednesday. So I had to live for months without you twice, Dean. You only had to live without me for two days." The bitterness in his voice was obvious. "So forgive me for cutting. For trying to make the emotional pain go away. I'd like to see how strong you'd have been this Summer, if I had went to hell instead of you. So don't you dare judge me, Dean. Don't you dare judge me."

Smack

Somewhat surprised he found a fist for a repsonse.

"I sold my soul for you Sammy. I went through hell and back for you. You don't get to call me weak. I'm not the one who's cutting, here Sam. Maybe if I was in your shoes I might. But I'd like to think I'd do what you would have wanted. And you wouldn't have wanted me to cut. So how dare you say I'm weak. You have no right to say anything like that to me. Not after what I've been through, Sammy. How dare you do this to yourself. I can't believe that you would be so selfish..."

"I'M being selfish?" Roared Sam. "You left ME, remember? Alone in this hellhole of an Earth with NO ONE Dean. I had NO ONE!" He stood up. "Of course I cutted. Of course I drank. How oculd I not? Everyone I loved had died. I was cursed, Dean. And I had to live with that. I had to live with that feeling because YOU couldn't bare to spend life without me. You were too much of a coward to be alone, so you gave me that burden instead."

Tears rolled down his eyes.

"Selfish? YOU don't get to call me that Dean. You don't get to call me anything. Or tell me what to do. You lost that right when you left me. When you abonded me."

Letting those words sting the air Sam stormed out leaving Dean in in a state of shock as he tried to figure out how the hell to stop and help his brother before it was to late.

Before he hurt himself, for good....

Should I continue? I hope they sounded a little in character at least. This was kind of a different story for me to write, in a way. PLEASE REVIEW!