The phone rang, as it was prone to do. In fact it was the only thing it could do besides deliver bad news faster than a letter. My eyes cracked open and angrily regarded the chirping bell. I hated getting calls in the middle of the fucking night. What time is it, I half questioned looking over at the small analogue alarm clock. Reading at 3:30 am, Smitt better have a fuckin' good reason for calling me.
"Hello?" I growled, annoyed, and tired.
"James? James are you there?" came the frantic high pitched voice. I recognized it immediately, angrily, and regretfully.
"Eileen do you possibly have any idea what fuckin' time it is? By any chanced o you know what I was doing?"
"James I need your help-"
"I'm not helping you Eileen, you took to that lifestyle, no one made ya."
"No, it's not him, it's one of my customers, he's, I think he's after me!"
Smacking my tongue against my teeth, I pulled at the white tank top and loose, sweaty boxers that covered me. "Eileen, you call me at least once a God-damn week about people like this-ya need to get over yourself, no one's after you."
"No, James, I-"
"Good night Eileen." I slammed the phone back down on the receiver hearing the chiming clink.
The ceiling fan creaked around and soft street light illuminated the area right by the windows as it seeped in through the cracked and broken Venetian blinds. The streets were quiet and peaceful. The lull of sound was putting me back to sleep. The occasional car breathed life into the dead street keeping it practically on life support. During the day was a different story.
Cracking various joints in my back and neck, I got up. My apartment was a mess, as it had been for a while. After Eileen left, I never really bothered to clean up. There wasn't much need to. I didn't entertain guests as I once used to. Most of my suits were haphazardly on the floor, ties were over my desk chair, and anything I slept in either was left on the bed or adjacent floor.
A brief, fleeting snapshot of a memory of a Christmas party came forth in my mind. Eileen was under my arm and laughing stupidly at something I had said. I could still feel her velvet red gown under my fingers. Our tree was a deep vibrant green, the walls warm with an amber glow, and the mistletoe above her head was almost as red and crimson as her dress. And she so happy. We were both happy.
Time had surely slipped by since then. My thoughts couldn't leave Eileen alone as I stared around the grey apartment letting more digressing thoughts come to conscious fruition. Where does it go? Time, I mean. Where does anything go when you don't use it? Whether it's time, or dreams, or aspirations or anything. Where does it go? To me, it seems as if it all slips behind you like water through your fingers, and no matter how desperately you grab at it, it eventually falls through.
The headlights of a passing car lit up my solemn face as I sank back down into my bed. My mind couldn't make itself up about her. A part of me absolutely abhorred her leaving and walking out on me. But there was still this small, diamond sized glitter of hope that she would be back again. That she would realize she somehow made a terrible mistake, and I would be here, arms open waiting for her. Although, after all this time it feels as if my arms aren't open to hug but ready to be pinned down to be crucified. She was mine at some point, and I was happy. I was warm and yellow and gay at some point, but it had passed me by like the seven am train.
Now, it was day in and day out of the same thing. The shocking murders that were littered all across this filthy city seemed to never bother me anymore. I've seen men, women, and children mutilated and carved up left and right and yet none of it ever got to me. None of it ever made me gag and have to look away. It was hardly interesting to me anymore. The only thing that was even worth the brain power was pinning the murder with the murderer. It made me think of all the men at the station, and how they slept at night; the ones with wives and children, and nary a bleak thought. What did they dream about?
I fell back asleep with my swirling thoughts rocking me away as I dreamt of nothing.