Disclaimer: It's been a year; hopefully by now everybody knows: CSI: Crime Scene Investigation does not belong to me, but they sure are a lot of fun to play with!
Author's Note: For b8kworm, Mr. Hathaway. Fires to Angie for suggesting these challenges; one of these I'm going to learn NOT to agree to one ;) Thanks, Marianne, for the unending support you shower me with. Betas, Angie and Marianne; you two rock.
Summary: Idyll - a romantic interlude. Idiosyncrasy - a structural or behavioral characteristic peculiar to an individual or group.
Archives: the Graveyard, ShipperworldCSI, Working Love, mine. Anybody else, email me. I like to go visiting.
Pairing(s): G/C.
Spoiler: The Hunger Artist, Season 3. Anything dealing with Grissom's personally storyline. I can become more vague.
July challenge; letter I. I is for Inco, my sweet birdie :)
***** ***** *****Title: Idyll of Idiosyncrasies
Author: Laeta
Email: ladylaeta@yahoo.com
Inside the Box ~
Catherine: Hey. How long have we known each other?
Gil: In days, months, or years?
It has taken me fifteen years to finally wonder about Gil. Fifteen years of living life or going through the motions. Years where people enter and leave our personal spheres of existence on the expressed cues of a tapestry unknown through first person point of views. They trigger events and we endure them; then we learn something – either about the self, the world, the facts of knowledge, or the people we thought we knew – whether it is conscious or not. In my case, it is because I never paused to consider the ramifications.
Daily, I see how drama and calamity shift perspectives in the victims' families. They suddenly realize that they ought to have focused on the heart of the person rather than concentrate on frivolities, like hair color preference. I have always wondered why it has to happen this way. Now I know: because otherwise we just would not care. It is not flattering to admit it, but Gil's surgery did that for me. With the impeding possibility of losing Gil in my life – one way or another, in some fashion – I found myself reevaluating his place in my life.
Yes, he is my best friend, my chosen confidante, my long-time companion. I once asked him how long we have known each other, and I still laugh as I recall his reply. Given time, I too would also have been able to calculate our friendship to the day; funny how I never considered the sheer amount of experience that it entails. Which brings to mind the itch of how he detailed he should answer my question. I cannot help but wonder if he has been keeping track all these years, and one would only do that if another person meant more than ever before voiced.
Lately, the idea of him also being more to me than I even thought probable has grown vicious claws and dug into me. Call it feminine intuition, whatever, but the fact is, on some level, I know Gil has always been loyal to me – within reason – due to his feelings for me. Call it fear or stupidity, whatever, but how could someone like me attract the love of a man as noble as Gil? Therefore, I have tried to overlook and forget this; now, I think my heart has overrun my mind. Reciprocation appears to be the order of the year.
Latent heat awakens to curl tendrils of lust and/or desire within the pit of my body's center of gravity whenever he calls and visits. My pulse likes the beat of arrhythmia as I see him for the first time in a day or as my name rolls off his tongue and through his lips. Skin absolutely tingles when he lets go long enough to touch me; I swear the currents running between us invented electricity. But is it enough? Is it enough to change our status quo and take that devastating plunge to the next unknown? Is the answer to the question really as simple as: do I love Gil?
Once upon a time, as a little girl, I made a list of qualities I wanted to find in my perfect, impossible to find, dream man. Thinking of Gil now has brought every nuance of that list back in vivid detail. Tall, charming, intelligent, funny, openly loving, enjoyed children. Amazing dance partner, willing to go horseback riding, played chess, loved to drive a convertible, poster-boy-quality gorgeous smile. A laugh to die for, voice timbre to melt every bone in my body, eyes as intense as laser beams, enjoyed dining out. Liked to spend Sundays with cozy laziness, could quote my favorite poem to me.
Feelings of guilt and grief drew lots and guilt won. In the past, it has wreaked its own peculiar kind of havoc on my relationship with Gil. I made heartfelt vows to my marriage and felt gratitude at its subsequent abolishment. Then grief forbids me from moving on with my life, to continue it on the path I see fit for my daughter and myself. I find myself remaining in the years of my marriage; its temporary happiness the idyllic hideaway for a questionable future. Yet, when these retarding emotions pass, I sense, without hesitation and doubt, that Gil is involved; his presence the only constant from my past and the present to continue onwards. So curiosity spurns me, how does he compare to my list?
It goes without saying that Gil's intelligence and mind is a major facet of who he is. Sometimes, I think there is nothing more to the man beyond the thoughts within his cranium. Then he proves he is a diamond tipped blade when it comes to solving the puzzles I love; his memory and expertise makes the process of solving purely enjoyable. He has yet to discover my favorite literary piece, but I have no doubt he will know it; I believe I will like what may arise from an in depth discussion over it.
Drawing across similar lines, I see everyday how passionate Gil is. I definitely wonder how other people see the man as devoid of emotion and feeling; I can confidently bet he is the kind of man who feels things either not at all or so very deeply that it is hard to convey. Yes, he may enjoy multi-legged creatures to the two-legged kin he was born to; yes, he may forget meetings and important dates; yes, he does tend to ignore the finer trappings of life in favor of the regimented structure of a well-written experiment. None of the above matter when Gil's generous heart and soul factor into his overall constitution; to me, when it is the worst of times, that is all that matters.
I do concede there are moments when Gil lives in another plane of existence from those in his circle of life. He is impossible to interact with; I have a suspicion this is where his most unflattering though flattering nicknames arise: Gruesome Grissom. There are moments where even I find him so irritating since he acts as if he is the personal friend of every bloodhound ever alive. He forgets things in these moods; things it has taken me time to forgive or create falsehoods to ensure he maintains deadlines. I understand the importance of his career, but sometimes, I wish I were the priority in his life; not to be, the clock on the wall.
Obstinate. Never has a truer word been spoken. I am sure he could give me the full definition of the word as well as the etymology. He is as tenacious as the spider who spins her webs around and around in circles when the strong potential for a broom's sweep lurks with every revolution of the earth. Yet, he is stubborn and born a fighter of those without voices, for justice and the ever vigilant truth, and against the repressors who chose to de-evolve into the primates from which we arose. And I know: he is no more a servant to his cause than anybody else is; rather, he is more aware of it and holds true to his calling. I admire that.
Social awkwardness he may flaunt, but somehow I believe it is merely a façade. There are moments when he acts just right, says the one thing you need the most to hear. The times are few and rare, I give you, however, they exist. He has a large heart; it is softer and more sensitive than most would imagine, and perhaps that is why he guards it behind that wall of indifference. There is a saying, 'Conceal your true strength from your enemy, advantages and weaknesses alike'. Do I believe Gil perceives his emotions as a weakness? Honestly, I cannot begin to fathom his heart, but his mind may very well consider it thusly.
Years ago, it was far more apparent in the smile he occasionally flashed or the grin that shone like a beacon in stormy weather. Today, archaeologists have better chances of finding the rarest of rare artifacts than the youthfulness in Gil. It belies the age of his accrued knowledge and sets him apart from other men. The careful observer may manage to see this spark in the manner he pursues the hunt for the ultimate power – wisdom. I am forever amazed when I see it appear within my daughter's presence. Like a laser, the layers peel away and his face rounds into the most innocent smile; it simply takes my breath away.
Nobody would deny he has the best of intentions; ever pursuing the good fight and never asking for more than he himself was willing to give. He cares for us, the members of his team, doing his best to shield us from gainsayers who would distract and undermine our skills. In all our years of friendship, I have never seen him stoop to the levels of politics that run any city. He is Daedalus, the celebrated inventor who did not bow to any challenge or prison but carried none of the flaws of his son. The high road was paved for this man alone, I firmly believe it.
Could a man be any more adept at mystery than Gil? There are moments when I look at Gil and I cannot see the man I first knew. He makes a habit of hiding everything about himself. Lab technicians come and go, politicians come and go, fellow public servants come and go; he and I became constants to one another, but he still refrains from complete openness. Humoring myself, I think Gil would make an excellent spy; he never lets anything slip. I know more about him than most yet know absolutely nothing like most. I am not sure I like this position.
Rousing more than any thing else I can think of about Gil is the way he commands respect. Like most men with this capacity, they demand it or expect, he just accepts people respect him. We all do because his leadership is quiet, gentle, and more effective than another man's snobbish command. Rarely does he look down upon his colleagues; I see how he prefers to live the phrase 'do unto others as you yourself would like to be treated'. Not being capable of taking orders himself, he is so incredibly considerate – most of the time – when issuing them.
All the other times, I admit there is a small tendency in Gil for the annoying. He uses public facilities for private purposes; he ignores pages and messages; he commandeers resources for who knows why. And through it all, he always has the damnest, the best, of reasons. Is it any wonder why the inordinately stupid attempt to oppose him at every point? I, for one, no longer question why I remain a member of his team when I have the qualifications and talent to manage my own. Then again, on another completely different note, I hate the way he allies with my daughter and I find myself yielding to their wills.
So it is evident he learned a long time ago how to steel a backbone. Fate only knows how many times he has been my armor in the past, and only it knows how frequently he will play that role in the future. I wonder occasionally if he will run out of strength and the patience to wield it. I know, with the surgery and the months leading up to it, he nearly gave. I have never seen such a strong person need – me. Grateful I was to show - to give - my care, but what if it was not enough? What if only love, as ephemeral as it is, is enough for a man like Gil?
In my profession, we live by the code of examining all the evidence. I am amazed, to a degree, to see how many of my wishes Gil lives up to. Yet, as many things he is, there are listed items he does not meet. And I wish I can ignore the thought that maybe he does, only he wills himself not to show it. He did seem at ease among the horses at the dude ranch near Vegas, and I did not completely believe his reasoning; that is, a case gave him all experience to be comfortable with the beasts. What if I really want to find out – the riskiest way possible?
Even as it stands, with all of Gil's quirks, can I accept them to discover my answers? In a nutshell, he is the most peculiar, unique, idiosyncratic man I have ever been privileged to know. Although, I did list most of Gil's disadvantages, I do notice they are also remarkable, as are his advantages. There is the possibility that Gil does not have any drawbacks; his greatest weaknesses have indeed become assets. Can I accept a man as perfect as Gil seems? Will I be able to accept them, simply because they are a part of the man?
So simple; the answer is so incredibly basic. Yes. He has been my best friend and closest confidant for the period of years. His quirks are a small part of him, but all together they make the man. I can accept them because I have already accepted the man. Then, the only question I needed to ask myself is: am I in love with Gil? And the simplest answer of all is that I have already fallen in love with my ideal partner. Love, such a powerful emotion, the sole nourishment for life; it is what makes the world turn from day into night. Under the cover of the darkness that fosters us both, I will strive for the greatest achievement we can obtain, and when morning comes, it will be the dawn of a new century.
***** ***** *****Within eternity, time passes. Within time, there is change.
Soon the wing of the white dove will touch our world again.
The dawn of a new century. Time for a new beginning.
Dawn of a New Century by Secret Garden
© RK 29.Jul.2003