Daryl lay awake in his cell. It had been two days since his return from the wilderness with Merle, and he still struggled to get used to the place again. Sleeping under the stars, surrounded by the sounds of nature had been as natural to him as breathing. Back in the prison, he was acutely aware of the weird silence and the feeling of being hemmed in.
On the first day, he could barely breathe in the confines of his tiny room. Now he focused on the nocturnal sounds made by the members of his group. From time to time, he heard the occasional mumble or cough echoing endlessly off the high walls that had once contained so much violence and fear.
Out there on his own with Merle, he remembered missing them so much it hurt. More than that, he recalled feeling out of place – like he finally knew where he belonged and it was not with his brother. Now he felt strangely isolated.
He strained his ears, trying to pick up the sounds of Carol's breathing in the cell next door. Ever since he found her in solitary, he felt a switch flip inside him. A part of him that was closed off – brick by brick – seemed to burst open, leaving him vulnerable and scared. Before he met her it had been so easy – not caring much for anybody, not getting hurt. When he thought she was dead along with T-Dog, it felt comfortable to close himself off again, reverting back to the old version of himself where surviving was enough.
Now that she was back from the dead, he felt like he could breathe again. When he thought of what might have happened, it was as if he was aware of himself once more – his heart thumping erratically, his blood pumping in his veins. Even in the enclosed space of a jail, he felt free. He was the real Daryl, not the feral redneck who scavenged and followed in his brother's wake in the aftermath.
Feelings that he kept squashed down for fear of being crushed by them – and for fear of Merle's ridicule and violence – rushed to the surface. He thought of his companions and how glad he was to be back among them. His mind drifted helplessly to the women – he was a man after all, and there had been precious little chance to give himself a little manual relief while he was with Merle.
He thought of Beth and her appealing sweetness, but she was so young and he already felt like a creep whenever she caught him in her wide-eyed stare. He suspected that she might have a crush on him, but didn't dare think further. Maggie wandered briefly through his fantasies, but again it felt wrong. She was pretty much married to Glenn, and the knowledge that she could kick his ass was strangely not a turn-on for him. He wanted someone soft, someone with experience.
When Carol appeared in his mind, he felt his hand moving automatically to his pants, undoing the button and slipping his hand inside. He tried to relieve the ache, thinking of her blue eyes and the tenderness that emanated from them. It felt natural to him – after all, she was rarely out of his thoughts. He felt no shame as he stroked himself, feeling pleasure spreading throughout his body.
He wondered what her skin would feel like under his calloused fingers. He could imagine how soft she was, just as he ached to feel her small breasts in his mouth and hands. He imagined sinking into her, hearing her breath coming in gasps as he rode her slowly and steadily.
His brain overcome with pleasure – he came with her name a strangled cry on his lips. He immediately froze – the last waves of his orgasm thrilling through him. There was no mistaking the way he had called her name – he could only hope that she was slumbering deeply and hadn't heard him.
Daryl lay back down on his pillow, breathing deeply as he fumbled for a rag to clean himself up. Shame swept over him when he realised what he had done. Carol didn't need him perving over her after everything she had been through.
As soon as the words formed in his mind he knew they were a lie. Carol was stronger than anyone he had seen. She wasn't like him – didn't need another person to give her life meaning. She had survived the loss of a child, a husband and everything else and just kept going. On top of all of it, she had not lost the kindness and selflessness that he loved.
Realising that he loved her was not as shocking as Daryl had expected. He already knew he would kill for her, die for her, defend her to the last. He wasn't quite sure about all the other stuff – the relationship stuff – but he knew he could ask Glenn or Rick if it came to that. The only problem was getting Carol to come around.
The sight of her standing in the doorway made his heart stand still. She looked so sweet in her oversized T-shirt and knee-length sweat pants that he forgot any fear that she might have heard him call her name. Her short hair was tousled and Daryl felt an overpowering impulse to run his rough fingers through it.
'You awake?' her voice was hoarse, like she had just woken up.
'Yeah.' Real smooth, Dixon, he berated himself.
She stood there, leaning her cheek against her hand, her body an elegant S against the doorframe. Daryl longed to reach out and pull her to him, feel her tumble over his body.
'I had this really vivid dream that you were calling my name.'
He felt his stomach lurch into his throat. 'Oh?' he whispered.
She shifted, coming closer and leaning her back against the wall. In the pale moonlight that leaked through the window, her eyes looked wide and scared.
'You know, when you were gone I missed you so much I would reach out and touch the wall next to my bed. Since you've been back, it's taken everything not to walk over here and tell you how I wanted you. Then I heard you call my name…'
Daryl felt frozen – his heart thundering in his chest – thinking this must surely be a dream. Slowly, she walked over and sat down on the bunk beside him. 'Do you want me to leave?'
He shook his head quickly, unable to speak. Then suddenly she was on top of him, kissing him deeply, hands plunging into his hair, tongue invading his mouth.
She pulled away to whisper, 'Is this okay?' but he silenced her by kissing her back, reaching around to enfold her in his arms. She felt like heaven, soft and pliant and smelling of talcum powder.
The bunk was too narrow for comfort and they fumbled with his clothes, giggling like two friends with a secret.
'How do you wanna do this?' Carol whispered.
'I want you on top.' Daryl was amazed at how confident he sounded. Inside, he felt as if each cell were made of jelly. He needed her to take the lead – otherwise he was sure this would be a disaster.
She straddled his waist, smiling down at him like an angel as she peeled off her T-shirt. He glided his palms up her stomach, feeling her shiver as she shimmied out of her pants.
Everything went still and quiet inside Daryl's head as she sank down on him, bracing her arms against his shoulders. He watched her as she moved, eyes squeezed shut in concentration. The feeling of warmth and pleasure building inside him rendered him immobile, powerless under her.
He reached between their bodies and stroked her velvety flesh. She moaned uncontrollably, digging her fingers into his shoulders as they shook together. He felt her clench around him, drawing his orgasm out and making him feel like he might lose consciousness.
She collapsed on top of him and they lay there gasping. Daryl's mind was blank for a long time, still incapable of believing that this was real, that Carol was lying naked on top of him. He slowly trailed his fingers down her spine, feeling her shudder before relaxing once more.
He was wide awake, preparing himself for the moment when awkwardness would inevitably set in. Internally he tensed up, waiting for Carol to slip away from him, regretting that they had ever done this. He wanted to delay that moment for as long as possible, knowing that his heart would break when it arrived.
After a while, she took his left hand in both of hers and kissed each one of his fingers. Then she placed a lingering kiss on his lips and looked deeply into his eyes.
'Daryl Dixon, from now on, I want you to know that whenever you call my name at night, it'll be me touching you. Ok?'
He nodded, his throat too constricted to speak. Then she slipped down between his legs and made good her promise.
He whispered her name like a prayer in the darkness.