So, hello my friends and fellow Slayers fans!

Welcome to Love, Happiness and Other Such Nonsense: A Collection of Slayers One-Shots

Me writing any form of Slayers fic has been a long time coming. I've been a huge Slayers fan for as long as I can remember. It is one of my favorite Animes and really, it is just too wonderful.

Unfortunately I haven't ever had the time to devote to writing a full fledged, multi-chapter epic that is worthy of Slayers. However I do have the perfect chance to write little miscellaneous one-shots here and there between (or during) other fics that I am writing. And so, this is where you'll find them. I'm sure there will be a ton and instead of littering the site (and my page) with a bunch of cracky one-shots, I just decided to keep them here as a collective.

Ratings will vary despite the Mature rating on the collection. At the top of each story/chapter will be the title, the rating, the characters involved and a summary to help you decide if you want to read it or not. Author's Note will be directly at the bottom, after the story.

Please enjoy, use your brains when reading and reviewing. If it is something you don't like, don't read it and don't review it. Be a part of that 2% of people on the internet that aren't complete douche bags.

There's That and Then There's This

Rating: MA

Characters: Xellos and Zelgadis

Summary: Xellos is growing increasingly curious about the mating habits of humans and can't help but try to figure it all out for himself.

There's that; The times between go and stop when we're already on our way. When I'm quiet and out of the way and you pretend to hate me. When I make off hand comments to give everyone that slight smidgen of hope, only for it to be dashed some small time later, and you grab my collar and you shake me and there's that endless hatred in your eyes that is ever so misplaced. When, on some days, the journey seems to take too long and we're all just a little disgruntled for our own various reasons and you cast me that glare and I know... I know.

And then...

There's this; The times between stop and go when everyone is settled down for the night. When the day has just been far too long and we all just want to relax but I never get the chance. When you're eager to take the first watch and it is so painfully obvious to me (and thankfully, only me) why you're too wound up to sleep just yet. When you're certain they're all asleep and I make my presence known and you grab me in that same way you do when you're angry to force me up against some tree and you cast me that same glare and I still know... I still know.

How did things end up this way? Looking back on it now, I'm not even sure of it myself. All I know is that this started long before you realized I was a Mazoku, and maybe, despite all your better instincts, you can't bring yourself to end this now.

My curiosity got the best of me to say the least, and back then it seemed in my best interest to feed my inquiry as well as your own need for my penitence.

I can remember how it started. You thought you were so just in your actions, and now that you know what I truly am I suppose you fancy yourself even more justified than ever. But it was never about penance for me. It was about pure lust of mental acquisitiveness, and believe me, I had plenty.

"What must it be like," I wondered, "for humans to perform the act of procreation?" Just one of the many questions in my mind. For, as you know, Mazoku are created differently. We are given life force from our Lords. We are not just simply born.

And in studying humans closely, it occurred that some humans didn't pick just one specific mate as is customary. Quite the opposite in fact, the amount of humans running rampant with their ability to procreate was astounding to me. And there were times that even amazed me, when I would see couples in which both partners were of the same gender. This of course threw everything I believed I knew about the human spawning process out the metaphorical window. Could it be that the act of procreation was actually pleasurable? Certainly, it is the opposite for Mazoku. And then the question arose, could humans of the same gender produce offspring? And ultimately that led to my most curious inquiry of all. Could a Mazoku actually mate with a human to produce offspring?

Surely it sounds ridiculous at first. Humans and Mazoku are two completely different races. The mere suggestion is even laughable. I tried shrugging the questions away but they stayed in my mind. And I am far too prideful to ever ask, not to Lord Beastmaster, and certainly not to some know-nothing humans like you and your friends.

So how could I slake my query? Well, only the best way I knew how. Personal experience…

Lina was my original intended subject, but even looking at it then I knew it was a foolish thought. It only grew more humorous with hindsight. No, she certainly wouldn't do at all. It just wouldn't be worth the effort I would have to put forth and then what if she expected more of me? Certainly not.

I was at a real loss.

But then you presented yourself as the perfect candidate. But then again, not really. After all, your chimera body is far from the weak, fleshy mass that it once was. You were not ideally what could be considered the perfect candidate by any means of the definition. Still, I was not presented with a lot of options, and you were so persistent. I couldn't refuse this opportunity.

We're not so different, you and I. People look at you and they see a monster. They might even go so far as to misjudge you for a Mazoku, which I'm sure infuriates you to no end. You are feared and misunderstood, just like any Mazoku. It can't be helped. And then they see me, a true demon in their midst, and they cast not a single second glance at me. But if they saw my true form, if they really only knew, they would fear me as they do you. Neither one of us is truly as we appear.

Maybe that is why we continue on this way, not to say it isn't enjoyable. But even the most pleasurable experiments must come to an end, results or not. Yet as strong willed as I am, as much power as I have at my disposal, as much fear as I can command… I can't bring myself to stop just yet. It simply doesn't serve me to do so.

And maybe Lord Beastmaster is furious with me, but she hasn't reprimanded me yet.

And… I still have no certain answer for some of my questions. No, I can't stop this yet.

--

Xellos gasped loudly as his head collided with the hard rock Zelgadis had him pinned against. "Can't you be at least a bit more gentle than that, Mr. Zelgadis?"

"You deserve all the pain and suffering you receive." Zelgadis tightened his fist around the clump of purple hair he held in his hand and grinned as a small grunt fell from the Mazoku's lips. "You must repent for your sins."

"Oh my…" Xellos glanced back at Zelgadis with a tiny smirk. "You're starting to sound more and more like Miss Amelia every time you say that. So much conviction in your words for someone who is far from sinless."

Zelgadis growled and slammed the Mazoku's face back into the rock. "Well aren't you the pot calling the kettle black? But you're the one literally caught between a rock and a hard place, so I'd choose my words more carefully if I were you."

"Well, yes. But let's not forget who is the powerful Mazoku here, and who is the lowly chimera, who…" Xellos wagged a finger at Zelgadis and let out a small chuckle. "if he needs to be reminded, is due to switch off with Mr. Gourry for guard duty in just a few short minutes."

"I haven't forgot. But Gourry won't wake unless I tell him to. I have all the time I need to punish you, don't you worry." Zelgadis pushed the nest of purple hair forward, forcing Xellos to rest his cheek on the rock. He quickened his thrusts inside the Mazoku's human form, being anything but gentle as he ravaged the arrogant priest. He was having a hard time tonight, his mind wandering just a bit too far from where he liked it to stay. These questions in his mind had started to grow some time after he discovered that Xellos was a Mazoku. What reason would a Mazoku, even half as powerful as Xellos, have to let itself be so physically mistreated? Surely this hurt him. Even if it didn't reach him on the astral plane, it was still true that more powerful Mazoku were able to feel on a physical level like humans could. He couldn't enjoy this, could he? No, not even Xellos was that demented. Right? Surely this was humiliating for him. Couldn't all the Mazoku lords see this? Wouldn't he get into trouble? Why did this continue? Why didn't Zelgadis himself just put an end to it already? He shook his thoughts from his mind and braced himself against the Mazoku's back.

"M-mr. Zelgadis… I…" Xellos smiled to himself. No, he wouldn't say anything now. Each and every time his human form came close to achieving what he had learned to be called an orgasm, Zelgadis seemed determined to prevent him from accessing it. He was curious still as to what this was, and what it felt like. Zelgadis managed to have one every time they found themselves in this situation, yet he never shared the feeling. It must be a good feeling, and Zelgadis didn't want Xellos to have it. It frustrated the Mazoku to no end, for this form was a perfect duplication of the human body down to the heart pounding in his chest. And with this body he had experienced all of the senses that one could expect to feel in a human vessel. All, save for this ever elusive orgasm. If he had to wager on it, he'd bet it was every bit more pleasurable than the simple action of Zelgadis thrusting in and out of him. And that, he had to admit, felt the most pleasurable of all the human sensations that he'd experienced.

Zelgadis pulled away from Xellos slowly and stared down at him. The smile on the Mazoku's face was all too unsettling. "You're not enjoying this, are you? I won't allow that! You constantly hinder me when it comes to regaining my true form. Always giving us, giving me false hope! Do you know what that feels like!? This is what little retribution I can get. You won't take this from me too."

"Oh, no. That's not my intention. By all means, please continue." Xellos flashed Zelgadis a devilish grin over his shoulder, perhaps the most serious look he'd given the other in a long time. "Get whatever retribution you see fit."

Zelgadis roared and slammed Xellos against the stone as hard as he could. This creature, this Mazoku bastard would not take away what little form of vengeance Zelgadis had. He would suffer pain and humiliation and everything he deserved. Zelgadis forced his length back into Xellos and let all the weight of his heavy body crush the Mazoku's human form into the rock. "Damn you Xellos. Damn you!"

Xellos let out a low groan. This certainly did hurt, even if it didn't reach the part of him that mattered, it hurt his human form all the same. And yet, in that same wonderful way it was amazing. He could feel that build up again. That sensation that grew warm deep in his stomach that told him something really worth while was coming. He panted against the rock and tried his hardest to keep silent, after all, the others were only a few yards away. But this was unlike anything. Pleasure was not something a Mazoku was afforded, not on the astral plane or otherwise, so why stop this now? He clung as best he could to the stone beneath him and grit his teeth. "H-harder."

"What!?" Zelgadis reared back slightly at the word Xellos spoke. "You can't be serious."

Xellos managed a pathetic chuckle and peeked open an eye to glance at Zelgadis. "I want to feel you on the astral plane. I-if you can't even manage that…" He paused and laughed a little more heartily. "Well then, what kind of third rate sorcerer are you?"

"To hell with you Xellos! You want to feel me on the astral plane? Alright, you'll get your wish." Zelgadis pulled away from Xellos and refilled the empty cavity with three of his fingers. "How is this? Dwelling within the eternal and the infinite, source of all souls, everlasting flame of blue, let the power hidden in my soul be called forth from the infinite! Ra Tilt!"

Xellos gasped as soon as he heard the chimera prattling off his spell. The Ra Tilt, powerful enough to damage a weaker Mazoku, it would at the very least cause his astral form great pain and at such close range there was nothing he could do. He cringed as he felt impact, and indeed it hurt. But it felt so good. While his astral form was still reeling from the attack his human form was behaving strangely. He buried his face in his arms. An alarming convulsing sensation was wracking his body and he could scarcely hold back the cry his throat was wanting to let out. And then he felt it. A heat wave overtook him, followed by a cold one and then another hot one. He felt the knot of energy in his stomach shoot straight down and then it was gone. He couldn't help the raspy moan that soon followed. "W-well… That was interesting."

Zelgadis tore his hand from Xellos and growled in disgust. "You sick bastard. Only a Mazoku could take pleasure in something like that."

Xellos grinned and supported himself on trembling limbs. He rolled onto his back to better see Zelgadis under his mass of disheveled locks. "And now I know why you're always so lethargic afterward. It feels hard to breathe, or even move."

Zelgadis grit his teeth and clenched his fists. "You were not supposed to enjoy it you son of a…"

"Tsk tsk, Mr. Zelgadis. That is no way to speak of a Mazoku Lord." Xellos smiled and wiped the corner of his mouth where he had, unbeknownst to him, managed to bite a little too hard on his lip and now blood trickled down. "We really must do this again some time."

Zelgadis drew his sword and stared hard at Xellos. "If I can't pain and humiliate you that way then…"

Xellos burst into all out laughter and held a hand to his head. "Please, let's not be foolish Mr. Zelgadis. This can only end in one way. You stand no chance against me." The Mazoku closed the distance between them and shrugged. "What do you plan to do? Deliver another Ra Tilt? It is one of your most powerful attacks and yet it did little more than to give me pleasure."

"That's because you're a sick masochist!" Zelgadis grumbled and raised his sword higher as Xellos drew closer.

Xellos grabbed ahold of the chimera man's blade and lowered it with little difficulty. "And you're a sick sadist. So I fail to see what point you are trying to make."

"Aren't they watching you Xellos? Aren't all your precious lords looking upon this now and seeing this? Aren't you humiliated to lower yourself to a human's will?" Zelgadis glared at the Mazoku hoping to retain what bit of dignity and satisfaction he could now. "Isn't it degrading?"

Xellos put a finger to his lips in thought before smiling slyly at Zelgadis. "No, it is interesting!"

Zelgadis scowled and gripped his sword tighter. "And you've enjoyed it this whole time, haven't you!?"

Xellos again paused to think before offering a shrug and a cocked eyebrow. "Well, haven't you, Mr. Zelgadis?"

Zelgadis blushed lightly and turned his gaze away from the Mazoku. "Answer the damn question instead of turning my words around! You've enjoyed it, haven't you?"

"Well now, you see…" Xellos pressed a finger to his lips before placing it on Zelgadis' nose. He smiled and laughed cutely. "That is a secret!"

"Damn you!" Zelgadis raised his sword above his head and brought it down heavily, but by the time he swung it down, Xellos had already disappeared laughing, that horrible cackle of his echoing in the distance.

--

There's that; The times between go and stop when we're already on our way. When I'm quiet and out of the way and you pretend to hate me. When you cast me that glare and I know... I know.

And then...

There's this; The times between stop and go when everyone is settled down for the night. When you're eager to take the first watch and it is so painfully obvious to me why. When you cast me that same glare and I still know... I still know.

And it is so good…

I pretty much wrote the Xellos monologue in my head while I was at work one day and tried to re-write it out. It was better in my head. Ha ha!

Yeah, so I'm one of them Zel/Xel shippers. I KNOW Zelgadis hates Xellos. I think all of them do (Amelia aside, I think she believes there is actually hope for him *snort*) so I'm not deluding myself. I know that under normal circumstances, he would NEVER even consider Xellos as a sexual partner. Thus the "punishment" belief that Zelgadis keeps telling himself is the reason he keeps fucking Xellos every chance he gets.

Buuuuut, this is the fandom. And fandom is as fandom does.

I hope you enjoyed this little one-shot! More to come, not all Yaoi related. (And I swear I'll try hard not to let them all be Xellos related either!)