Author: Ozluv04
Title: In the Midst of Things Not Holy
Disclaimer: Lupin and co. belong to J.K. Rowling. I'm only tinkering with them.
Warnings: Spoilers from PoA, OOTP, and HBP. R/S slash. Don't like the idea? Don't read.
A/N: Angsty, Angsty Lupin. And nary a mention of Tonks. Except in my author's note. I hope the title will make since in the end. It really comes from the last paragraph. Feedback welcome. Enjoy!
Remus knows all too well what it is to be alone. To stand in a room full of people, of people he loved, and feel absolutely singular. He was always fumbling for contact, reaching for a wholeness. Sometimes he found it. At Hogwarts when he was the 'Moony' in Moony, Wormtail,
Padfoot, and Prongs. After Hogwarts, when he belonged so utterly and completely to Sirius. When he returned to Hogwarts as Professor Lupin. When he once again gave himself irrevocably to Sirius. But each time it fell apart, each time he wondered if it had ever been real.
When he was 'Moony' he was the glue that held his band of friends together. For the first time in his life his lycanthropy was not a curse. It was almost a gift. It bonded him to James, to Peter, to Sirius. He was a part of something wonderful. He had friends, brothers. They had a secret shared between them. A trust. But then it shattered. In one moment. In one careless prank, Remus felt the enormity of truth fall on him for the first time. He was not like his friends, his brothers. To them his lycanthropy was a game. He was a tool they could use to exact childish revenge. It was his responsibility to protect the world from the beast within him. The time for games had passed in one full moon night, and he realized the wolf was his burden to carry alone.
After Hogwarts there was Sirius. Sirius with careless smiles and careful kisses. Sirius offering loyalty and love and the irresistible temptation of adventure. There was a war waging on and a secret society to join. Remus joined up without giving his commitment a single thought. He would go where Sirius was. It was simple then. Falling, immersing himself, in love with the man who had been friend and brother. The man who quickly became everything to him. He lost himself in lazy afternoons tangled somewhere between sheets and Sirius. And he was happy, because in those days he was part of many things. But then it started to break. It didn't happen all in one day. But it began in one moment. Dumbledore calling him into his office, telling of a grave mission that only Remus could carry out. Imploring him to speak of it to no one. Not James. Not Lily. Not Sirius. And so he began to come home late, with bruises and scrapes he wouldn't explain. Shortly after, word came that their was a betrayer in their midst and all eyes turned to Remus. Soon it all fell down around him. James and Lily and Peter were dead. Sirius was thrown into Azkban. For the first time his singularity was tangible.
Many years of wandering aimlessly followed those aching months of loss. Until Dumbledore gave him a call and offered him a job. He found himself back at Hogwarts, only this time he wasn't Moony. He was Professor. The children were in awe of him. He breathed life into a subject that had become something of a joke in the less capable hands of previous teachers. And there was Harry. Harry who became a frequent patron to his office. Harry who reminded him of all the things he lost, but who made up for each of these things by being nothing short of extraordinary. He happily took up the position of teacher, mentor, and companion. But this too came to an end, when Severus Snape took it upon himself to tell the students that Remus Lupin was a monster. But he wasn't left alone this time.
Because Sirius was back. And they realized that their only betrayal had been to each other. They forgave each other without giving it any thought. Because they were together again and had lost enough moments already. Remus handed himself over to Sirius with the same fervor he had in his youth. Things were not perfect, the time in Azkaban had left Sirius frayed. It was up to Remus to hold him together, to keep him in check. To exhaust him when he talked of recklessly leaving Grimmauld Place, until the idea lay forgotten like their discarded clothes on the floor. They worked together, moving together as one and Remus had thought he would never experience happiness like this again. He had never felt more a part of something than he did when he was with Sirius. But like everything else, this to ended. It ended when Sirius fell unceremoniously through the veil. And Remus knew this time he would not return.
The loneliness settled over him with practiced ease. He was only faintly aware of Dumbledore instructing him to join his kind. To become part of the pack. To once again be an agent for the Order. He did it without any thought, realizing he had nothing else to do. He joined them, those who like him carried the burden of the wolf. Unlike him they embraced the beast. Allowed it to control them. It was a pointless mission that placed him side by side with the man-the thing-that damned him. But despite all this, on full moon nights, running beside them, chasing rabbits, forcing Sirius to the very back of his mind, he felt marginally less alone.