PILLOW TALK
Disclaimer: I don't own any people, places, things or other, in this fiction.
Author's Note: This is a humour piece I put together in the tradition of "breaking down the fourth wall". Don't be suprised if you see anything out of character, there's going to be some REALLY ridiculous stuff in this fic, but that's kind of the point. Batman and Catwoman have a discussion, in bed, about 2006, DC editors, continuity and other stuff.
Within the spacious bedchamber of one Bruce Wayne, two human figures, one male and one female, writhed together between the sheets of a four-poster bed, locked together in a passionate, frenzied bout of lovemaking which was fast approaching it's climax.
"Say it, SAY IT!".
Bruce ordered, between gasps and thrusts.
"I'm not dense, I'm not retarded, you're the GODDAMN BATMAN!".
Selina replied, also short of breath.
"Awww YEAH".
With his final cries of passion they reached a mutual climax, subsequently collapsing in exhaustion. Seconds later, Selina rolled off Bruce to lie beside him.
"When the hell do I get to stop saying that anyway?".
She queried.
"When all the Miller bashers forgive Miller".
"In other words, never?".
"Pretty much".
"Frigg'n fanboys".
She groaned, lighting up a cigar and inhaling deeply, before passing it to her bed-mate.
"So, what's on the cards for 2006?".
He queried, taking the smoke in his right hand.
"Oh god!".
Selina groaned, rolling onto her front whilst burying her face in her hands.
"I don't even want to THINK about 2006!".
"Bad writer, bad artist?
"I'm having a baby, a freak'n baby, can you believe that, as if the mind-wipe crap were'nt enough, I'm not even gonna be Catwoman anymore, christ! I'm not even gonna be Selina Kyle anymore, and since I kill that Black Mask freak you'll probably give me that whole, you crossed the line you're just like them I'm so goddamn holy I think I'll go ride a horse blah blah blah, just how you did to Wonderbroad".
"Yeah that really bummed me out when she killed that guy, I hadn't even gotten to do her yet and she's the hottest chick in the DCU".
"What about me?".
"Well it's always been close between you two, but you went down a spot after you lost the hair and the D-cups".
"That's not fair, I HAD to lose them".
"Why's that?".
"Brubaker said he wanted me to be taken seriously, so the first thing I had to do, he said, was lose the D-cups".
"...Huh?".
Annoyed, Selina rolled her eyes, snatching the cigar from him.
"Don't you know anything, the bigger you're tits are the less they take you seriously"
"What, so women with big breasts don't get taken seriously, that doesn't sound very fair".
"Anything including and beyond a D and you can forget it, just look at Powergirl".
"Gladly, heh heh".
He chuckled.
"Oh shut up!".
"Don't worry, you're hot even without D's, I mean come on you're..".
"The goddamn Catwoman!...oh damnit, thanks a lot, you gave me Miller bashing".
"Least of you're worries right now, heh heh".
"How 'bout you, anything worthwhile happening in however many million books you have these days?".
"Hard to tell really, Morrison's writing Batman, Dini's writing Detective...".
"Oh not Dini!".
"What do mean, not Dini, he wrote my animated series and that was awesome!".
"How the hell can you say that, did you SEE Cat Scratch Fever, he turned me into freak'n Lois Lane! and the Cat and the Claw I willingly let you arrest me, willingly, can you believe that crap?".
"Yeah but you had some good episodes didn't you, you saved my ass in Almost Got' im, you double-crossed my kids in Batgirl Returns, you kicked a lot of ass in Catwalk".
"...Meh...I still hate the bastard, I should have been the lead femme in that show, instead the little pervert was too obbsessed with turning Harley and Ivy into quasi-carpet munchers".
"Yeah well I'm more worried about the artist, this Kubert guy".
"Oh yeah, why so?".
Bruce reached into a bedside draw, pulled out a piece of paper and handed it to Selina.
"Look at this, it's drawn by him".
Selina studied it for a few seconds.
"Looks a lot like the way Jim Lee drew you in HUSH".
"Exactly he's going for the bulky, chunky ape-man look, I hate it when people draw me that way, honestly why in the hell would a chick as hot as you want to do it with me when I look like a freak'n Gorilla, I wish Neal Adams or Don Newton or someone like that still drew my book, I used to look so damn suave, Chicks were fighting over me ALL the time, remember when you got all jealous because I was scoring with Vicki Vale and you went all fatal attraction and tried to waste her?".
Selina rolled her eyes.
"Don't remind me".
"Yeah chicks used to LOVE me".
Bruce sighed.
"But these days, I'm too busy being all dark and brooding and paranoid and anal, I never get chicks anymore besides, that is, you every now and then, but you just killed someone so I probably won't like you much anymore".
"Isn't this the bit where you bash Miller or something?".
"Nah, it wasn't Miller, it was everyone who tried to imitate him, goddamn hacks".
"Like who?".
"...uhhhh...I forget...let's talk about something else".
"I heard that Morrison guy might be bringing back that kid you had with...what's her name?...calls you beloved?...has no spine?...whole life revolves around trying to decide which man to be subserviant to?".
"Talia, yeah I banged her that one time in Son of the Demon, got her pregges as it happens, kid got written outta continuity now they might be bringing him back, only rumours at this stage though".
"We had a kid once, remember that, we even got married, they pulled a right mary sue on me there, looks like I'm headed that way again, goddamn editors".
"What would you say the odds are that I'm the kid's daddy?".
"Hard to tell, seemed WAY too obvious at first, or maybe that's just what they want us to think, either way it makes my head hurt".
"Well, all I'm hurt'n for is to get layed one more time before all this One Year Later crap, so come' ere baby, I'M THE GODDAMN BATMAN!".
With that he roughly pulled her into him and attacked her lips with his own.
THE END?
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