By Ginny3
Disclaimer-Jed, Abbey and Leo are not mine, not by a long shot.
Reviews are always appreciated.
Part One
"He has Multiple Sclerosis, Leo. A fever could be life threatening." And with those words, the last remaining private part of my husband's life has been announced. Leo just stares at me for a second, trying to wrap his mind around what I've just blurted out. Believe me, this wasn't the way I had planned on telling Leo. Actually the way, and time I had planned on telling Leo passed by years ago.
"Oh my God," Leo mutters as he shakes his head. "Is it...is he...what about...oh my God," he repeats as he shakes his head again in utter disbelief. "How? When?" he asks quietly a few minutes later, after he's paced around his office.
"I think that's something you need to discuss with Jed. I've already said more than I should," I reply.
"More than you should?" Leo asks with raised eyebrows. "You only spit out a few words," he says. His words come out more harshly than he had intended, I can see that in his eyes. "I'm sorry," he whispers.
"No need to apologize. If anyone should be apologizing, it's Jed and I."
"Can I go up and see him now?" Leo asks as he glances at the schedule on his desk.
"Give me an hour or so. I need to talk to Jed. I need to be the one who tells him that you know. And we need to make a few decisions."
"Like how in the hell you're going to continue to keep this a secret?" Leo spits out, his harsh tone fully intended this time.
"I don't know that we'll be able to," I whisper in reply before leaving his office. Margaret looks at me oddly as I all but run past her desk. My agent struggles to keep up with me as I make a beeline for the Residence. Once I reach the door to our bedroom I take a minute to compose myself. I straighten my skirt, smooth down my hair and wipe away any tears that may be on my face.
I open the door quietly, in case Jed is asleep. He's dozing lightly while Charlie reads in a chair by the fireplace. "Good afternoon ma'am," Charlie says as he rises to his feet.
"Hey Charlie. You can take off for a while. Why don't you grab some lunch?"
"Yes ma'am. Thank you," he says with a smile as he heads for the door. He stops in the doorway and turns around, glancing at Jed's sleeping form before he leaves me alone with my husband.
I kick off my heels and open the blinds a little to let some light into the room. Jed stirs a little and rolls from his back to his side. Even from across the room I can see he's still pale. His eyes crack open a bit as I sit down on the edge of the bed. A quick kiss to his forehead tells me he's still running a decent fever. "Hey," he mouths, not quite getting any sound out. I hand him the bottle of water from the night stand and he takes a few cautious sips. He woke in the middle of the night thirsty and downed a bottle of water in no time flat. Needless to say, he spent the next half an hour kneeling in the bathroom. I'm in no mood to repeat that and I'm sure he isn't either.
"Where's Charlie?" Jed asks as he struggles to sit up a little more. I shove another pillow behind his back and help him get comfortable.
"I sent him down to get something to eat."
"Time to play doctor?" Jed asks with a little leer.
"Among other things," I mutter cryptically as I reach for my black bag. Jed looks at me strangely but doesn't say anything. He knows me well enough to know that something is up. "Open up," I say, handing him the thermometer.
"What happened to the ear one?" he asks. "It's quicker."
"And this one gives me two minutes of peace and quiet," I smirk as he puts it in his mouth. As he sits quietly with the thermometer in his mouth I check his blood pressure and his pulse. Neither are too impressive. "100.7, up from this morning," I sigh. "Still dizzy?" The look on his face tells me he's really thinking of lying to me, but he knows he never gets away with it for long.
"A little. Head hurts too," he adds as he rubs at his eyes.
"Eyes bothering you?" I ask as I reach into my bag.
"A little, I suppose," he admits as I take a quick look.
"Is your vision blurry?" He just nods. "That's from the fever."
"Uekele sypmtom?" he asks with a laugh.
"Uhthoff's, you idiot," I correct him with a big roll of my eyes. "Are you hungry?"
"Not really," he sighs. He crosses his arms and looks at me.
I'm about to be confronted. I knew it was only a matter of time.
"OK Abigail, as much as I like playing doctor it's time to spill. What's up?"
"I just talked to Leo about the possibility of postponing the speech for a day or two."
"He doesn't want to postpone?"
"No, it wasn't that. He just wanted a good reason for it."
"A fever of 101.9 isn't enough?" Jed snorts.
"Apparently not. Leo started pressing me for answers, like why I rushed back from Andrew's just because you have the flu. You're not in preschool, as he pointed out. He's noticed things lately." And I just leave that bit of information to hang in the air for a minute.
"What kinds of things?" Jed asks as he starts to get worked up. I put a gentle hand on his chest trying to reign him in.
"Hushed conversations, worried glances and a shot or two," I say, whispering the part about the shots.
"How?" he asks with clearly mixed emotions on his face. On one hand he looks puzzled at how Leo could have seen what he did and on the other, he looks almost relieved. This secret we've kept has been a constant weight bearing down on us for years. When things are going well, the weight is almost imperceptible, and times like now, it's sitting on our shoulders, reminding us of its implications and far reaching consequences. "Did you tell him?" Jed finally asks as he looks down, suddenly finding the plaid pattern of his pajamas pants rather fascinating.
"Yes, I did," I admit quietly as I reach for his hands. I half expect him to pull away from me, but he doesn't. Instead Jed drops his forehead to my shoulder, unable to look me in the eye.
"How much did you tell him?"
"Very, very little. I told him that you have MS and that a fever could be dangerous. I think it's up to you to tell him the rest. I imagine he'll be up in a little while. I asked him to give us some time alone but I would guess he's rather anxious to talk to you." Jed says nothing and doesn't make an effort to lift his head up from my shoulder.
"How do I face him?" he asks as he finally lifts his head up a little.
"The same way he's faced you over the years when he's disappointed you, with honesty and sincerity," I say as I tip his chin enough to look him in the eye. "Remember, he's more hurt than angry and I would imagine more scared than anything. Remember that, because I'm sure he's not going to come across that way."
"He's going to come across as pissed," Jed snorts as he wipes his hand over his eyes.
"Probably. And deep down, you and I both know, he has every right to be pissed. But you'll get past it, just like you've gotten past everything else over the years. It's gonna take time, make sure you give it to him." Jed nods and lets me gather him into my arms. I rub his back for a minute while he tries desperately to hold things together. He somehow manages to pull himself together. How, I'm not too sure. But I am relatively sure that sometime today he will eventually need to get everything out. And I understand he doesn't want to do it now. He wants to face Leo and get that over with. I'm sure he needs to meet with some of the staff about the speech and he probably needs to sit down and spend sometime with that lunatic John Marbury. Later, when it's just the two of us, he'll let his guard down and give in to his emotions. Until then, he's going to paste on the "politically correct" face, the one he so effectively hides behind.
There's a knock at the door and Jed sits up, squares his shoulders and smoothes down his hair. "Come in," he yells, even though I'm still straightening my skirt.
Charlies comes in with Jed's lunch. It is not that poor boy's job to carry my husband's food. I'll have to talk to Jed about that. "Afternoon Mrs. Bartlet," Charlie says with a smile as he sets the tray over Jed's legs. Charlie retreats to the couch, pulling a few files out from under his arm.
"I want you to eat something," I say to Jed as I lean over a little.
"Yeah, okay. You going to call Leo?" he asks as he lifts the bread a little to see if there's enough mustard on his sandwich.
"I don't imagine I'll need to. My guess would be that he's on his way up. Remember what I said. Go easy on him. I'll be in my office if you need me."
"Okay," Jed says with a smile that doesn't quite reach his baby blue eyes. I brush back his hair and kiss his forehead before leaving quickly.
Part 2
Okay, I'm trying but I'm just not getting any work done at the moment. I just called Margaret to see if Leo was in his office. She said he came back from the Residence, muttered something about needing air and headed outside. Apparently he wasn't walking over to the East Wing. And that's fine with me. I don't think I can face him right now.
Nor do I think I can face Jed right now. But I should check up on him. I call the Residence for an update, praying he doesn't answer the phone. I know that sounds mean but after what we've gone through in the past few days, or hell, past 7 years, I feel entitled to my opinion, mean as it seems.
Charlie picks up the phone after the first ring. Jed is sleeping after what Charlie describes as a strong suggestion from Admiral Hackett. I'm thinking that suggestion came with the threat of a sedative if my husband didn't take his advice. Advice by the way, I fully agree with. I also agree with the idea of postponing the speech by a day or two but I know my efforts in that vein will be all but useless. Unless Jed is passed out on the floor he will do the speech as scheduled. Of course, given recent events, passed out on the floor is not out of the realm of possibility.
I tell Charlie he is more than welcome to leave my sleeping husband by himself. With agents outside the door there's not too much trouble he can get himself in.
Who am I kidding, he can get himself into all kinds of trouble even with the Secret Service 15 feet away. But poor Charlie needs a change of scenery at the moment. He seems very eager to take me up on my offer to set him free for the rest of the day.
I shuffle some papers on my desk, under the pretense of actually doing something. Lily checks on me for the forth time in an hour, finally noticing that I've accomplished nothing worth noting.
"I think I'm calling it a day," I mutter as I pick up a few books. Lily just grins a little and moves to straighten a few things before I make a complete mess of my desk.
I take the long way back to the Residence, stepping outside for a bit of fresh air as Jed would call it. Me, I call it frigid air but it feels good anyway. Jed's still asleep when I check on him so I head to the kitchen for a snack. Halfway through my cup of tea an agent alerts me that my husband is awake and asking for me.
I pour some tea for him, grab a few cookies and head for the bedroom. I nod at the agent who opens the door for me. The bed is empty and I hear the water running in the bathroom.
"Jed, you okay?" I call as I set down his tea.
"Yeah, I'll be out in a minute," he calls back. His voice sounds stronger, steadier than it did earlier today. Maybe we've turned a corner in this mess. I watch as he comes out of the bathroom. In addition to the steadier voice, he is markedly more steady on his feet. My money is on the fact that his fever is now gone.
"Look, no hands," he says with a grin as he walks across the room without having to steady himself on each piece of furniture along the way as he had yesterday.
"Impressive, Babe," I reply with a grin. He sits down next to me. Up close he stills looks a little pale, a little tired but a quick kiss to his forehead tells me I was right. He's running pretty close to normal at the moment. "Pretty cool. How's your vision?"
"Perfect, or as perfect as it gets," he says with a smile. "Guess it was uekele symptom," he teases.
"Whatever. I brought some tea."
Jed drinks his tea, flicks through the television channels and makes a little small talk. Obviously he's not ready to talk about what happened with Leo. And that's fine, we have all night. "Do you want to call down for dinner or should we just make something?" I ask as he stops flicking through the channels, stopping, not surprisingly, on CNN.
"Why don't we eat alone in our nice kitchen, like normal people," he suggests. I think that two days of hanging out in the Residence, far away from the hustle of the West Wing have made him a little sentimental for the days of living in our own farmhouse, far away from the prying public eye.
"I can do that," I agree as I reach for the remote and switch to ESPN, anything but CNN. Jed starts to protest but his words die on his lips before he says anything. He finishes his tea while catching up on the sports highlights of the day.
A few minutes later, with his tea gone and the next show starting he turns off the television and curls up next to me, seeking comfort in my embrace. "You ready to tell me what happened?" He just shakes his head against my shoulder.
"It's okay, we have all night."
We sit for a while, Jed turns the television back on and watches a college basketball game. Apparently getting him to talk just might take "all night". "I'm going to start dinner. You want anytime in particular?"
"Nah, not really," comes the reply from my disinterested husband. I should make a nice big salad with a side of spinach.
Jed lucks out, there's not much salad stuff in our kitchen and I'm not in the mood to call down to the main kitchen. I really long for the days when I could just run out to the grocery store to pick up something for dinner.
So it looks like we're having french toast for dinner. Just as well, I'm sure Jed's appetite hasn't quite returned yet. Charlie told me he didn't eat much today.
I watch as Jed picks at his food for a little while. He ate about half of what I put in front of him, which wasn't all that much to begin with. I'll let him slide for now and make sure he eats better tomorrow.
"So Marbury came up this afternoon," Jed starts as he pushes his chair back and leans back with his hands behind his head. "Admired the new picture of us on the mantle. Apparently he likes your breasts," he chuckles.
"My what?"
"You heard me," he teases as he gets up and clears the table. "We got some things worked out. Hopefully things will end without violence. Although if he tries to admire the breasts in person tomorrow night, there just may be some violence on my part."
"And I see you're feeling much better," I tease a little. Jed proceeds to show me how steady he is on his feet by waltzing me around the kitchen. Now normally I would find such a gesture to be romantic and loving, but I know he's just stalling for time.
"Do you want some tea?" I ask as he dances me over by the stove.
"I'd rather have you," he smirks.
"Jed," I say with enough force to let him know that time is up. He needs to start talking, and fast.
"Fine. Tea sounds good."
As we settle down on the couch in our bedroom with our tea and a plate of cookies, it soon becomes apparent that I'm going to have to lead this conversation or at the very least start it off. I think bluntly is the way to go. "So what happened when Leo came up this afternoon?"
"Nothing like cutting to the chase, Abigail," he mutters as he reaches for another Oreo.
"It didn't seem like you were about to start talking," I point out with a poke to his chest for emphasis.
"It was strange. He wanted to know why we didn't tell him."
"How did you explain it?"
"Not very well, I don't think. I told him that I didn't tell him about the MS because I wanted to be President. He said that that wouldn't have stopped him from getting me elected. But deep down I don't know if I believe it. I guess we'll never know. Do you wonder sometimes?"
"About whether or not you would have been elected had the MS been made public?" Jed just nods. "I guess I do. But there's really no point in worrying about it, I suppose."
"Leo said he would have liked to have known so he could have been a friend. He was a friend, is a friend. But I guess I understand what he meant. I didn't give him a chance to decided how he felt. And I didn't give..."
"The American people a chance to decide?" I whisper, completely the thought he couldn't bring himself to say.
"Yeah. Do you think we did the right thing?"
"I don't know. I used to ask myself that all the time and I just don't know."
"Do you think it's going to come out eventually?"
"Yeah, I do. Maybe we should go public," I say, testing the waters, trying to gauge Jed's reaction.
And the reaction is just what I expected.
"NO." Plain and simple, that is his answer.
"You won't consider it?"
"No, Abigail, I WON'T." Now we have plain, simple and LOUD.
"OK, I just thought I'd throw it out there and see how you felt," I say softly, trying not to have this converstaion escalate into a shouting match between the two of us.
"Now you know how I feel," he mutters.
"Are you mad that I told Leo?"
"Yes..no..yes, I don't know. I guess I wasn't prepared for it. But then again, I'm thinking Leo was much less prepared than I was."
"I think it's good that he knows. I can always use an extra pair of eyes looking out for you."
"That's what I'm afraid of, another person hovering over me."
"Jed, I do not hover over you. And you know that," I say firmly. As much as I would like to hover at times, I do my best not to do it. And I think I do a pretty good job of it.
"I know," he sighs as he kicks off his slippers and tosses a pillow in my lap to curl up. Apparently he's done talking, or at least he thinks he is. There's one thing we haven't discussed yet and I'm sure he'll bring it up sooner or later. I brush back his hair for a minute, hoping he'll just drift off back to sleep. His eyes close and just when I think he will just nod off, they pop open.
And here it comes.
"Is this an episode?"
And there's the question I've been waiting for all day. I take a deep breath to answer.
"I don't think so. You didn't have any symptoms until you were running a fever. And when your temperature returned to normal the symptoms more or less disappeared."
"one of those fake episodes?"
"Pseudoexacerbation and could you please get the terminology right," I tease. "Between fake episode and uekele symptom you're sounding like an idiot." He laughs a little, the deep reverberating laugh that's been missing for a few days. It's music to my ears. "As long as your temperature stays down you should be fine. But try to take it easy tomorrow."
"Yeah, I'm giving the State of the Union tomorrow night but I'll try to schedule a nap for sometime between the final run through with Toby and meeting with the unlucky Cabinet member who doesn't get an invitation to go," he smirks. I just roll my eyes and shake my head. If only he were half as funny as he thinks he is.
"I'm going to go check in with the girls. Why don't you go check in with whoever you need to check in with and then I want you in bed."
"Oh really?" he asks with his eyebrows raised. He's lucky I don't just roll him on the floor.
"To sleep Jed, to sleep."
He's still on the phone when I'm done checking in with the girls. Although my checking in didn't exactly take all that much time. The only one I actually got a hold of was Liz and she was in the middle of getting Gus into bed. I left messages for Ellie and Zoey but I don't really think I'll be hearing back from them tonight. I signal for Jed to wrap up the call as he's slumped over in the chair basically half asleep. I don't imagine he's doing the world much good at the moment.
"Take some Tylenol while you're in there," I call as he heads for the bathroom. He mutters something I can't hear, and probably don't want to hear.
We curl up under the covers together as we try to do as many nights a week as possible. I'm not all that tired but I figure if he falls asleep quickly I can always get back up again and read or something. He's quiet and rolls on his side, facing away from me. I take the opportunity to rub his back for a minute, trying to get him to relax a little. He's at that stage where, if he doesn't relax and fall asleep within the next 20 minutes or so, he's going to get a second wind and be up for hours.
And that's the last thing he needs.
"Jed, do you want me to give you something to help you sleep?" I offer, knowing full well he will turn it down.
"No, I'm okay," he says in a voice that is anything but reassuring. I can tell he wants to say something but he's having trouble getting his thought into words. "Passing out cold in the Oval Office scared the hell out of me," he whispers a few minutes later as he backs up into my embrace.
"Oh honey, I know," I whisper as I pull him close.
"Coming to and seeing 7 people hovering over me was no picnic either," he says with a weak laugh.
"I don't imagine it was. We haven't really talked about what happened," I say in a matter of fact tone, just throwing it out there to see if he's willing to talk about it. "Do you remember any more of it?"
"I don't know. We were joking around in the hall about my taking the pills. I went into the Oval, poured a glass of water and before I could react, I felt myself falling. You told me to take Tylenol that morning, but I ignored it. Suppose I should listen to you," he teases a little.
"What with the medical degree and everything, it would probably be wise. Was it more like Nantucket or my parent's house?"
"Nantucket I guess, cause I didn't feel well before hand."
"That would make sense. At my parent's place we were at a BBQ and I think you just overheated."
"Or my blood sugar was too low," he teases. "Your father takes so long to cook a damn burger."
"As much as I like your version, I'm going with a peusoexacerbation from overheating," I reply dryly.
"Does this mean things are getting worse?"
"No, you had a fever, that's what brought your problems on."
"Still scared the crap out of me," he whispers in a voice that suddenly has an emotional edge to it.
"Jed, what's wrong?"
"I'm scared. Scared of what's going to happen next and of not knowing when it's going to happen. Scared of keeping it a secret and scared of letting people know," he whispers fiercely as he curls up closer to me.
And I think we've finally reached the emotional breaking point of this whole ordeal. Each episode, actual or not, usually involves an emotional outpouring that Jed likes to call "unmanly". During an actual episode where he ends up on steroids it's basically inevitable as they wreck havoc with his emotions. During episodes like this one, he usually gets himself too exhausted and tries to hold too much inside until the emotional dam breaks and the unmanly tears start.
For the record, I think a man who is not ashamed of crying is incredibly sexy. But Jed doesn't buy that.
"I'm scared too but we'll get through it...together."
"I hate that I dragged you into this," he says quietly as he rolls over onto his stomach.
"Josiah Edward, you have not dragged me into anything. The decisions we've made over the years have been made together," I say a little more firmly than I probably should have, given the fact that my husband is now sniffling a little.
"It's still not fair to you."
"Well, fair or not, I'm in this marriage for the long run, so you'd better get used to it," I tease as I run my fingers through his thick hair. That simple statement and gesture reduce him to tears. "Come here." He scoots over and puts his head on my shoulder. He cries while I try to hold in my own tears so I can soothe him. I'll cry later, when he's asleep. I let him get it all out for a little while but when he shows no sign of getting things under control I think it's time to reign him in. "Jed, honey you need to calm down. you're going to make yourself sick. Take a deep breath and hold it. Good. Do it again." It takes a few minutes but he eventually calms down enough to loosen his death grip on me.
Twenty minutes later and Jed's sound asleep. He's a little warm so he has a cool cloth on his forehead and I have 2 Tylenol on my night stand in case we need it during the night. All things considered, he's weathered this episode, actual or not, pretty well and has recovered quite quickly. On one hand that's great but on the other hand I can't help but think that it might be easier to convince him to go public if his symptoms were more visible, less easy to hide or explain away. There are good points and bad points to both keeping quiet and going public but it's getting harder and harder to tell which is the best course of action. So I imagine some time in the near future we'll be faced with yet another decision.
One we will make together.
But for the moment Jed's asleep and it's time for me to cry.
THE END