A Shadow Passed, a high school musical fanfic

Disclaimer: Not mine, don't sue. Characters belong to Disney, song belongs to Duncan Sheik and Stephen Sater. Also, the NCAA tournament game is partly real, but I didn't actually watch the ND-Wash. St. game, so I don't actually have much to go on besides scores. And the date is probably different as well. Bear with me.

A/N: So, I'm totally in love with Spring Awakening, and have wanted to write a songfic with one of the songs for awhile, and I've been throwing around ideas in my head since I first saw the show last November. Eventually I came up with this. Jason reminds me very much of Moritz, and I seem to like the theme of Jason having an absent or even abusive father, so that's the background to this fic. It's basically the various members of the group rebuking Jason's father for not being there, for leading him to suicide. So, yes, right off the bat, Jason killed himself.

READ FIRST:

This story is structured differently from anything else I've done. It's basically a series of flashbacks, building the actual story, inside a frame story that takes place in the present. The first half is about 50-50 story and flashback, the second have probably 25-75 story flashback. The first half's flashbacks are from the POV of the others. The second half of flashbacks are the same scenes, but from Jason's POV, continuing after the scenes end. It doubles back on itself at times, and comes back to present. Eventually it leads to Jason's actual decision. It'll become pretty obvious as it goes on.

You fold his hands and smooth his tie

You gently lift his chin

Were you really so blind,

And unkind to him?

Troy Bolton held the single rose in his fingers, twirling it slowly as he looked down at the open grave before him. The casket inside had been lowered earlier, and the ceremony was over, but Troy had remained behind. It had been a solemn service, many people unable to simply comprehend the truth behind the closed casket. Troy himself was still numb from shock.

He thought back to a few days previous, when his mother had answered the phone call that conveyed so little yet would change so much. He hadn't seen her take the call, hadn't seen her reaction, but as soon as the phone hit the floor, he knew. Somehow, he knew.

FLASHBACK-SUNDAY

"Troy, if you have anything you want washed, make sure you bring it down. I'm finishing up the laundry tomorrow."

"Sure," Troy called back absently, quickly returning to the NCAA game on TV. The first half was drawing to a close, Notre Dame trailing Washington State by a large margin.

"I told you not to pick the Irish," Jack Bolton was saying, a hint of laughter coloring his voice as he flipped through the pile of filled-in brackets on the coffee table. He located Troy's pulling it out and surveying it with mock distaste. "If they're out, you're pretty much finished."

"I know, Dad, so you can cut it out. I know I'm screwed."

"I'm just saying, the Irish were on the bubble for a reason."

"Dad!"

"Alright, alright," Jack conceded, a smile crossing his face as he they watched the half come to a close, Notre Dame firmly behind, 19-32. "Looks like someone just lost five bucks."

"It's just the half. Anything can happen."

"You keep telling yourself that," Jack laughed, standing up and stretching his arms over his head. He turned toward the kitchen as the phone began to ring. "Honey, pick up the phone!"

"I'm in the laundry room, can't you get it?"

"Please?"

"Fine!" Lucille Bolton hurried out of the laundry room, crossing the room in a few strides and lifting the still ringing receiver off the cradle.

"Hello?"

Troy and Jack heard bits of the conversation in the background, their attention mainly focused on the half-time analysis show. They heard Lucille's voice rise and fall, and the urgent tone with which she spoke. Seconds later, it was the sound of the phone hitting the floor that drove them both to their feet and into the kitchen.

"Lucy?" Jack was at his wife's side in a heartbeat, sinking to his knees next to her, taking her into his arms. Troy hung back, unsure what to do, a deep sense of dread pulling at his heartstrings. Jack took the phone from his wife, handing it to Troy, motioning for him to replace it.

"Lucy, sweetheart, what's wrong? What is it?"

Lucille began to cry, tears welling in her eyes before tracking slowly down her cheeks, her silence and incomprehension worrying Jack and Troy.

"Lucy, please, talk to me. What's going on?"

Lucille swallowed, burying her face into Jack's shoulder. He held tightly to her, pulling her closer to him, kissing the top of her head.

"Lucy, sweetie, who was on the phone?"

Lucille managed to compose herself enough to speak, tears steadily streaming down her cheeks.

"That was Carrie. She's at the hospital with Andrew. Jason-" she trailed off, the words caught in her throat, her voice choked.

"Mom?" Troy asked, his voice cracking as he felt the sting of tears behind his eyelids. "Mom is Jase-did he-"

"Jason's gone. Earlier today. He-he-"

"What do you mean gone? Lucy?" Jack's voice had also taken on a tightness, a choked sound.

"He's dead, Jack. He shot himself with Andrew's gun. They-they found him in his room. Oh, God, Jack."

She collapsed fully into her husband's arms, full-blown sobs overtaking her.

END FLASHBACK

Troy felt tears return to his eyes as he recalled that moment, probably one of the worst of his life. The next few days had been a haze, finding the note in his locker, preparing for the funeral, trying to simply cope. Remembering Jason's last message, to his friends and to his family, Troy took it from his pocket, gently unfolding the page.

He had yet to show it to Jason's parents, too afraid it would shatter the fragile balance they had built up since Jason's death. Jason had apparently slipped the note between the slats on top of Troy's locker after school on Friday, just two days before he took his own life.

Can't help the itch to touch, to kiss

To hold him once again

Now to close his eyes

Never open them

Troy quickly scanned the now-familiar lines, scrawled in the all too familiar hand, the ink smeared in some places. Jason had clearly thought them through, but it seemed that he'd been upset when he was actually writing them-tearstains dotted the paper.

"Troy-

I know you won't get this until it's already over. I don't know why I'm giving it to you, and not them. I guess you were just always there for me, even though you didn't know how much it meant.

I know by the time you're reading this, you'll have already gone over all the possibilities, all the reasons. You'll have blamed yourself, and so will Chad, Zeke, and everyone else. It's not your fault. I need you to understand that. No matter what, it's not your fault.

I'm not doing this to hurt you, or my mother, or anyone else. It's not because I wanted to feel pain. It's because I can't take anymore. I can't do this anymore, play this game. I know you and the others have guessed, and whispered, but I've never told you the truth. It's not that my father hurt me-physically-ever, even though I know that's what you thought. He never laid a hand on me.

It's the constant disappointment, the constant frown of disapproval, that I can't deal with. He never told me that he loved me, that he was proud of me. Your father was more of a father to me than my own ever was. I know that he'll read this eventually, and deny it to himself, to my mother, to everyone, but I know the truth.

After this weekend I'll never have to see that look on his face again. I'll have given him the final say. This is my way of ending it. I know it's wrong, and I know it lets him win, but I don't care enough to stop it. This is my absolution.

I'm sorry that it hurts you most, Troy. You were always my best friend, always the one I looked to as a pillar of strength for me. I know you never realized it, but you were my rock these past few years. You're forever the brother I never had, and I thank you for that.

Please, please don't blame yourself. This isn't your fault. There isn't anything you could have done.

I'm sorry.

-Jason

Troy re-folded the paper along the creases, his own tears slipping from underneath his eyelashes. He had always thought that Jason was hiding something, something he was afraid or unwilling to share with his friends. There had never been any physical signs, but they had all thought that Jason was abused. They had never had enough evidence to confront him, or to involve anyone else, but Troy wished they had tried harder. Even though Andrew Cross may have never left a physical mark on his son, it was clear now that the invisible scars ran much deeper than anyone could have guessed.

Troy thought back to that Friday, to the day that the note had been slipped into his locker. Jason hadn't seemed out of sorts; nothing had seemed out of place. He hadn't thought twice about Jason hanging around his locker longer than normal.

FLASHBACK-FRIDAY BEFORE

"See you on Monday!" Chad Danforth called out, snaking an arm around Taylor McKessie's shoulders as the two walked down the hall, toward the front doors of East High School. Taylor waved an arm behind her, laughing as she leaned into Chad's embrace. Within seconds, the two were out of sight, swallowed by the swelling crowd heading for the doors, and for the freedom of the weekend.

"What are you doing this weekend?" Jason asked, leaning against the locker next to Troy's, a casual smile lighting his features as he watched Troy pack his books into his bag, Gabriella Montez standing to Jason's left.

"We were gonna go out tonight, see a movie, maybe grab a bite to eat. Then my dad and I are watching the Tournament all weekend," Troy said, standing up and slamming the locker shut. He grabbed Gabriella's hand, entwining his fingers with hers.

"What're you doing, Jason?" she asked, pulling Troy closer to her and resting her head lightly on his shoulder.

"Nothing really. Just hanging out, you know, finishing some homework."

"You should come with us tonight," Gabriella said, looking imploringly at Jason. "It's been weeks since you've gone out with us. We'll call Tay and Chad, and you can invite Kelsi. It'll be fun."

"Nah, I've got some stuff to finish up at home," Jason replied, his eyes seeking the floor.

"Jase, man, come on. Lighten up. You're only young once, you know?" Troy reached his free hand to squeeze Jason's shoulder, a gesture of friendship.

"It's okay, Troy, really. I'm just gonna head home. You guys have fun, though," Jason insisted, shrugging Troy's hand off. He smiled half-heartedly, barely convincing them he was truly alright.

"If you're sure-"

"I promise. I'm sure. Go ahead, you guys should get going. I'll be fine."

Pausing a few more minutes to make sure that Jason truly didn't want to come, Troy and Gabriella set off down the hall in the direction Chad and Taylor had just gone, leaving Jason behind at Troy's locker. As they walked away, Gabriella glanced over her shoulder, and caught Jason slipping something into Troy's locker. Blinking, she looked again, and Jason was walking away in the opposite direction, shoulders hunched, head down. She couldn't be sure she had seen him, and didn't mention it to Troy for fear that she was wrong.

END FLASHBACK

Troy knew now that he and Gabriella should have pushed they issue, should have pressed
Jason, should have insisted he come along. Gabriella had told him what she had seen after he'd found the note on Monday, and the realization that Jason's suicide could have been prevented had been weighing heavily on his mind since that moment.

But then, hindsight's always twenty-twenty.

A shadow passed

Yearning, yearning for the fool

It called a home

Troy walked from the gravesite to his car, the note slipped back into the pocket of his suit jacket. Sliding into the driver's seat, Troy turned the key in the ignition, listening to the car's engine turn over and hum to life. He loosened his tie around his neck, leaning his head back against the headrest, reaching to grip the steering wheel with both hands.

He knew that he'd have to face Jason's parents-Jason's father-at some point that day, give them the note, face Andrew Cross's reaction to what his own son had written about him. That knowledge weighed heavily on Troy's mind, even as he thought back as far as a week before Jason had taken his own life, trying to find the signs, to figure out where it had all gone wrong.

FLASHBACK-ONE WEEK EARLIER

"Jason!" Kelsi Nielson called out to her boyfriend of two years, running to catch up to him in the hallway. Jason was walking with Troy, Zeke, and Chad, Gabriella and Taylor a few paces ahead of them.

"What's up, Kels?" Jason asked, turning aside from his friends to address her.

"Could we talk?"

When Jason didn't acknowledge her, she tried again.

"Like, alone? Please, Jason?"

"I'll catch up to you later," Jason told Troy, motioning for his friends to continue without him as he and Kelsi stepped to the side of the hallway.

"What's up, Kelsi?"

"Why have you been so distant lately, Jason?" Kelsi asked, cutting right to the heart of what was bothering her. "You haven't been answering my calls, you've been ignoring me in the hallways. I'm worried about you, Jase. What's going on?"

"Kelsi, it's nothing, it's just-" Jason trailed off, leaving his thought hanging.

"Jason, what? Is everything okay at home?"

"What? Why?"

Kelsi was taken aback at Jason's quick answer, her suspicion and worry growing.

"I'm just asking, Jason. You're always making excuses about why I can't come over, about why I can't call you. It makes me-"

"Everything's fine, Kelsi, okay? I just-I just need some space, some time to think things over, okay?"

"Jason, you can tell me if anything's wrong. Please, I want you to talk to me."

"I need to get to class, Kels, okay? I'll talk to you later."

Jason took off down the hallway, leaving no room for argument or opportunity for Kelsi to stop him. She watched him go, a deep sense of unease settling in the pit of her stomach. Something was off, but she felt helpless to figure it out.

END FLASHBACK

Kelsi had sought Troy out later that day, imploring him to talk to Jason, to see what was the matter. Troy had fully intended to do it, but had gotten caught up in Gabriella, in basketball practice, in making NCAA Tournament picks with his father. It struck him now that no one had ever answered Jason's obvious cry for help, or even stopped to ask him how he was, or what was going on. It made Jason's assertion that Troy was his brother bitter for Troy, as he realized that he was never really what Jason needed.

Sighing, Troy shifted the car into reverse, pulling out of his spot. Shifting to drive, he set off for Jason's house, where he knew his friends were waiting for him.

All things he never did

Are left behind

All the things his mama wished he'd bear in mind

And all his dad had hoped he'd know

Troy arrived at Jason's house a good hour and a half after everyone else, but no one seemed to notice or mind his late arrival. He quickly found Chad and Zeke huddled in a corner, trying desperately to console Gabriella and Taylor, who seemed to have only gotten worse since the ceremony. Kelsi was nowhere to be seen.

"Where've you been?" Chad asked, greeting Troy with their customary handshake, albeit severely subdued.

"I hung around for awhile, I had some stuff to think about," Troy answered, fingering the note in his pocket absently. He hadn't even shown it to his friends, too afraid to reveal its contents.

"Where's Kels?"

"My mom took her upstairs," Gabriella said, wrapping her arms around Troy and burying her head in his shoulder, her tears continuing to flow. "She was just too upset-she-"

"I get it," Troy nodded, wrapping his own arms around Gabriella and gently rubbing her back.

"Listen, guys, there's something I need to-to tell you."

Taking one arm from around Gabriella, he reached into his pocket, pulling out the note.

"I found this in my locker on Monday. It's-" he trailed off, unfolding the paper and holding it out to Chad. "It's his note. He must've put it in there on Friday."

Chad took the piece of paper in shaky hands, quickly reading the words scrawled across the page before handing it to Zeke.

"Son of a bitch," Chad muttered, passing a hand over his eyes. "I knew we were right. We could've-we should've"

"There was nothing we could have done," Gabriella whispered, taking her own eyes from the note. "I mean, he obviously thought about this for a long time. We missed all the signs, we should've paid more attention-it was just too late. He'd made up his mind a long time ago."

FLASHBACK-ONE MONTH EARLIER

"Have you seen Jason lately?" Kelsi stopped by Troy's locker after school, her question casual but her tone serious. "He hasn't been answering my texts or my calls."

"Uh-actually, no. He wasn't in Calc earlier today, but that's the only class I have with him. I'll see if he's at practice later, and I'll tell him to call you."

"Thanks," Kelsi sighed, walking away with her head hanging. Troy watched her for a minute, a frown creasing his face as he thought about Jason missing a class. Throughout the first three years of school Jason had never been absent, but it had become an increasingly more frequent occurrence as of late.

When Jason didn't even turn up at practice that night, Troy really began to worry. Making a decision, he pulled his dad aside after practice.

"I'm gonna stop by Jason's house on the way home, make sure he's okay. He's probably just sick or something, but then I can give him the calc homework too."

"Good idea. I'll see you at home. Send Jason my best wishes," Jack said, clapping his son on the shoulder and smiling as Troy walked out of the gym, bag slung over his shoulder.

As Troy pulled up in front of Jason's house, the frown that had been ghosting his features since that afternoon deepened. Jason's car wasn't in the driveway. Walking up to the front door, he rang the bell, not surprised at all when Jason's mother answered.

"Troy! I didn't expect to see you here! Are you looking for Jason?"

"Actually-"

"He called me after school, told me that he and Kelsi were going out for the night and that he'd be back late. Do you want me to tell him you stopped by?"

"No, that's fine. Thanks, Mrs. Cross," Troy replied, smiling uncomfortably at her as he turned and walked back to his car. She watched him before closing the door as she walked back into the house, leaving Troy outside alone.

For a moment, he contemplated what had just happened, but realized that he didn't have any answers. Resolving to call Jason when he got home, Troy got into his car and headed for home.

END FLASHBACK

"You have to give this to his parents," Taylor implored, holding the paper out to Troy, who took it back.

"I know, I just-I don't want to hurt them-to hurt his dad."

"Troy, this is his own fault. Jason's gone, and there's nothing we can say or do, but we sure as hell can't let this go. Jason's dad needs to know."

Troy nodded, releasing Gabriella with a grim frown on his face.

The talks you never had

The Saturdays you never spent

All the grown up places

You never went

"Mr. Cross? Mrs. Cross? I-I'm sorry to bother you but,-" Troy trailed off, his composure shattering as he looked at Carrie Cross's grief-stricken face. He forced himself to continue around the lump in his throat, his own tears starting to track down his cheeks again.

"I thought you'd-I thought you'd want to see this," he whispered, drawing Jason's note from his pocket and handing it to Andrew Cross with shaking fingers. "Jason left this for me the Friday before he-before he-"

Andrew took the note from Troy's outstretched hand, unfolding it slowly. Troy stepped back as he watched Andrew read the letter quickly, his face darkening as he read. Finishing, he crumpled the paper in his fist, running a hand over his eyes.

"Andrew, what?"

"Read it," Andrew stated tersely, holding the letter out to his wife. She smoothed out the sheet of paper, her face crumpling into grief even as she went.

"Oh, God."

"Is this some kind of joke, Troy? Don't you think we've suffered enough?"

"Excuse me?"

"Who wrote this?"

"Mr. Cross, I don't-I told you, Jason left it in my locker, I just-"

"Have you read it?"

"I found it in my locker, Mr. Cross, I-"

"You don't believe what it says, do you? You don't actually believe these lies?"

"Mr. Cross-"

"Andrew, please. Just leave Troy be, he didn't write this."

"Jason wouldn't-he never-"

"Mr. Cross, I don't know you as well as I thought I did," Troy interrupted, swallowing heavily and blinking away tears. "But I know that Jason would never write something he didn't truly feel. I don't know what you did to him, but you messed him up. This could have been avoided. It should have been avoided."

FLASHBACK-ONE YEAR EARLIER

"Good game, boys," Jack Bolton congratulated his team after a hard fought win against their division rivals, the West High Knights. "You guys made me proud out there. Go home, get some rest."

"Alright guys, Wildcats on three!" Troy called out, throwing his hand into the middle, waiting for his teammates to do the same. "One…two…three!"

"Wildcats!" The cheer echoed throughout the gym, the East High Wildcats high-fiving each other and celebrating their still-undefeated record.

"Congratulations!" Gabriella shouted, running up to Troy and throwing her arms around him. He lifted her off the ground, spinning her in a quick circle before placing her back on her feet, leaning in to kiss her.

"Show off," Chad ribbed, laughing as Troy lifted up a choice finger in response.

"Great game, guys," Kelsi congratulated, coming up behind Jason and putting her arms around his waist. "You were pretty awesome," she whispered in his ear, eliciting a smile from Jason as he turned in her arms to face her.

"Do you think so?"

"Mhm."

Smiling, Jason leaned in to kiss her gently, a slight, soft kiss that lasted merely seconds but made him exceedingly happy.

"Jason!"

Breaking apart from Kelsi, Jason looked up, his face darkening as he saw his father standing a few feet away.

"Hi, Dad," he greeted, his manner and tone of voice changing. "What's up?"

"What kind of behavior is this in public, Jason? You never know who's watching, you're making a fool of yourself."

"Dad, we were just-"

"And that game, Jason. What was wrong with you today? You played like crap."

"Dad, I scored 12 points. I had 7 rebounds. It wasn't my greatest, yeah, but we won, and I helped."

"Is that how you think you need to play to get recruited? You think colleges are looking for mediocre players?"

"Dad-"

"I don't want to hear it, Jason. You need to work harder."

Breaking in for the first time, Troy stepped forward, placing a placating hand between Jason and his father.

"Mr. Cross, Jason played a great game. He really helped us out, especially in the third quarter when-"

"Troy, this doesn't concern you. Stay out of it."

"Mr. Cross-"

"Let's go, Jason. We're going home."

Andrew stepped forward, taking Jason by the shoulder and leading him away from his friends.

"Jason, man, come on, you don't have to listen to him. Stay here, come hang out with us," Troy pleaded, unable to stand looking into Jason's incredibly sad eyes.

"I wish I could, Troy, but-I-I have to go home. I've got a lot of homework, anyway. It's for the best. You guys have a good time. I'll see you on Monday."

"But-" Troy called after, his sentence trailing off as he realized it was futile.

"What the hell is wrong with Jason's dad?" Chad asked angrily as Troy returned to the group.

"I don't know," Troy sighed, shaking his head.

END FLASHBACK

"I don't know what you're talking about, Troy," Andrew spat angrily, stepping even closer to Troy.

"You do know, Mr. Cross, and you know that this is on you. You made him feel like shit, you treated him like he wasn't even your son. I remember how hard you rode him after games. He didn't deserve any of it. Jason was an amazing person, and amazing friend, and the perfect boyfriend. So many people loved him, but he couldn't find love in the one place it should have been a given."

"I-"

"No, listen. I've held this in too long, because I never thought it was my place, but now I don't care. I should have done this a month ago, and we wouldn't be standing here, now. You may have never laid a hand on him, Mr. Cross, but you did more than enough. Did you even know that Jason was offered a scholarship to U of A? Not even for basketball. He was so good, Mr. Cross, he had everything ahead of him. You didn't even pay attention to him, you didn't care. When he was upset, when he had a bad day, he couldn't come to you, he couldn't trust his own father to take care of him. So that's why he took your gun. That's why he pulled that trigger. He was crying out for help, and you didn't hear him. Hell, none of us did, but it was your place-your job-to listen to him, and you failed."

Stepping away from Andrew, Troy wrapped his arms around Carrie, hugging her tightly.

"I'm so, so sorry, Mrs. Cross," he whispered, allowing her to hug him, to cry into his shoulder. "I wasn't there for him, I ignored the signs, I-"

"Thank you, Troy. For being his friend, for-for-" Carrie trailed off, too overcome with grief to continue. She held onto Troy for a minute longer, before letting him go. Turning to go back to his friends, Troy shot one last look at Andrew, shaking his head before going back to meet the others.

And all of the crying

You wouldn't understand

You just let him cry

Make a man out of him

"How'd it go?" Chad asked, looking expectantly at Troy as he walked back up.

"About as well as can be expected. Which means…terrible."

"Was he angry?" Gabriella asked, searching Troy's face for the answer.

"I think angry is an understatement. I didn't let him go, though. I gave him a piece of my mind. Maybe I shouldn't have, maybe-I don't know. I just-I can't take this, you know? It's so hard."

"I'm gonna kill him," Chad seethed, only Taylor's placating hand keeping him in place and away from Andrew Cross. "I can' t believe he'd-I can't-"

"I know Chad, but we just have to let this go. There's nothing we can say to him now that will change anything."

"But he needs to know that you're not the only one, Troy. He needs to know how we all feel."

"Chad, I don't think-"

"I'm going over there," Chad muttered determinedly, shrugging off Taylor's hand and striding purposefully over to Andrew. "I'm not letting him get off that easily."

FLASHBACK-FRIDAY BEFORE

"What're you doing, Jason?" she asked, pulling Troy closer to her and resting her head lightly on his shoulder.

"Nothing really. Just hanging out, you know, finishing some homework."

"You should come with us tonight," Gabriella said, looking imploringly at Jason. "It's been weeks since you've gone out with us. We'll call Tay and Chad, and you can invite Kelsi. It'll be fun."

"Nah, I've got some stuff to finish up at home," Jason replied, his eyes seeking the floor.

"Jase, man, come on. Lighten up. You're only young once, you know?" Troy reached his free hand to squeeze Jason's shoulder, a gesture of friendship.

"It's okay, Troy, really. I'm just gonna head home. You guys have fun, though," Jason insisted, shrugging Troy's hand off. He smiled half-heartedly, barely convincing them he was truly alright.

"If you're sure-"

"I promise. I'm sure. Go ahead, you guys should get going. I'll be fine."

Jason watched the couple leave, swallowing to clear his throat as tears pricked behind his eyelids. Closing his eyes, he took a deep breath, resting his head against the cool metal locker even as he slid a hand into his pocket, pulling out a folded slip of paper. He opened his eyes, unfolding the page and scanning it quickly, making sure everything was in order.

As he re-folded the paper, he couldn't stop the few tears that fell from his eyes and hit the paper. Taking it in his hand, he slid it through the slats on top of Troy's locker, breathing a sigh of relief that it was finished.

"I'm so, so sorry," he whispered, pausing one moment longer with his head resting against the locker. Taking a deep breath, he pulled away from the locker and set off in the opposite direction that Troy and Gabriella had gone, his hands jammed into his pockets, his shoulders hunched and his head hanging low, watching the ground as he walked.

"I'm so, so sorry."

END FLASHBACK

"Listen, Mr. Cross," Chad began, tapping the older man on the shoulder, causing him to turn to face the teenager.

"Not you too, Chad. I told Troy, I don't know what you all have come up with but-"

"I don't care what you have to say to me, Mr. Cross. After tonight, if I never see you again I'll be better for it. But I want you to listen to me, listen to me like you should have listened to Jason, your own son."

"Chad-"

"Just shut the hell up for once in your sorry life," Chad spat, taken aback at how acerbic his words sounded, even to him. Andrew shrunk back in surprise.

"I don't know what Troy already told you, but here's what I think. You failed Jason, on so many accounts. He only wanted your approval, and you shot him down every time. Don't think we weren't there to see it, that we didn't have some idea what was going on. I just wish we had known how he truly felt, because then we would have gotten him away from you faster."

Chad paused, letting his words sink in with Andrew.

"In a way, I'm glad Jason's gone, if only it means he's away from you. It hurts like hell, and I miss him, but he's finally free."

With that, Chad turned on his heel and walked back toward the group.

A shadow passed

Yearning, yearning for the fool

It called a home

Kelsi stood in the Cross's bathroom, staring tiredly at her reflection in the mirror. Her eyes were bloodshot and swollen, tearstains dried along both her cheeks. Gabriella's mom had taken her upstairs after the first thirty minutes of the reception, the stress and grief too much for Kelsi to handle. After two solid hours of sobbing into Ms. Montez's shoulder, Kelsi had finally felt well enough to clean herself up in the bathroom.

Now, looking at herself in the mirror, she felt a renewed sense of grief, not just for Jason's death but for her part in it. She felt wholly and utterly responsible, even though she knew that deep down, Jason had been struggling with more than she ever could have hoped to understand.

Her shoulders began to shake as she was overcome by a fresh wave of sobs, her breath hitching. Jason had meant the world to her, but it seemed that it hadn't been enough to keep him sane, to keep him happy.

FLASHBACK-ONE WEEK BEFORE

"Jason!"

Jason turned to see his girlfriend of two years, Kelsi Nielson, running to meet him.

"What's up, Kels?" he asked, turning aside from his friends to address her.

"Could we talk?"

Jason sighed, knowing what was coming. She was worried about him, as usual. When he didn't acknowledge her, she tried again.

"Like, alone? Please, Jason?"

"I'll catch up to you later," Jason told Troy, motioning for his friends to continue without him as he and Kelsi stepped to the side of the hallway.

"What's up, Kelsi?"

"Kelsi, it's nothing, it's just-" Jason trailed off, leaving his thought hanging.

"Jason, what? Is everything okay at home?"

"What? Why?"

"I'm just asking, Jason. You're always making excuses about why I can't come over, about why I can't call you. It makes me-"

"Everything's fine, Kelsi, okay? I just-I just need some space, some time to think things over, okay?"

"Jason, you can tell me if anything's wrong. Please, I want you to talk to me."

"I need to get to class, Kels, okay? I'll talk to you later."

Jason turned quickly and took off down the hallway, leaving no room for argument or opportunity for Kelsi to stop him. He knew that this hurt her, his refusal to talk to her or to accept her offers for help, but he couldn't let her in. He was too vulnerable, too easily hurt to let anyone in that close. As it was, Kelsi knew more about him than anyone else, except maybe Troy. He wasn't ready to let her all the way in.

As he walked to his next class, Jason mused on how he was hurting everyone around him, even unintentionally. It was getting harder and harder to hold his head up high, to come to school and put on a show for everyone, to convince them that he was okay. He didn't know how much longer he could keep it up.

END FLASHBACK

"Kelsi, sweetie, are you alright?" Ms. Montez softly, knocking on the door. "Is everything okay?"

Swallowing, Kelsi barely managed to keep her voice steady as she answered.

"Yeah, uh-I'm just-I'm just washing my face. I'll be-I'll be out in a minute."

"Alright."

Sighing, Kelsi turned on the tap, cupping her hands and filling them with the cool water, splashing it onto her face several times. Blinking the water from her eyes, she turned to wipe her face dry, using the hand towel hanging near the sink. As she moved to leave the bathroom, she found herself wondering how many times Jason had done what she had just done, tried to hide the evidence of the tears he undoubtedly cried. She knew Andrew Cross was unforgiving, harsh-hell, the man was a bastard, especially to his own son-and she wondered how often that temperament had caused Jason pain.

Shaking her head, she opened the door, finding Ms. Montez waiting just outside, in the hallway.

"How're you feeling, sweetie?" she asked, wrapping a comforting arm around Kelsi's shoulders.

"I thought-" Kelsi trailed off, breaking into sobs again. "I thought I could do this. I can't. I just keep thinking- I keep-"

"Oh, sweetie, come here," Ms. Montez whispered, wrapping Kelsi in a hug, gently stroking Kelsi's hair.

"Does it get any easier? Will it ever be okay?"

"Kelsi, sweetheart, I can't honestly say. It will get easier, but it will take time. You're going to carry this with you for a long time."

"I don't want-"

"Just take it one day at a time, Kelsi. Let God take care of the rest."

All things he ever wished

Are left behind

All the things his mama did to make him mind

And how his dad had hoped he'd grow

Nearly an hour later, Gabriella sat next to Troy on the hood of his truck, leaning against him casually, his arm resting around her shoulders.

"I'm still in shock," she whispered, her eyes focused on a point far in the distance. "I mean, this whole day has just been surreal."

"I know," Troy replied, placing a kiss on her temple. "I still can't believe he's gone. I spent the whole time angry at his father, I don't think it ever really hit me. I don't think I've dealt with this."

"Troy, I know how much Jason meant to you, and I know how hard this is for you, but you've got to let go. You need closure, you need to accept this, to come to terms with it."

"Do I?" Troy asked, shifting her in his arms so that they were facing each other. "Isn't it too soon for closure? Too soon to forget him?"

"You're going to kill yourself with guilt, Troy. It's going to eat at you, until you finally come to terms with this, and with the fact that it isn't your fault."

"Isn't it, though?" Troy wondered aloud, the question obviously not one to be answered.

FLASHBACK-ONE MONTH EARLIER

Jason sat in his car at the park, quietly sobbing into his arms, folded atop the dashboard. He knew he was in for it when he went back to school the next day, what with missing most of the school day and basketball practice. He felt miserable about lying to his mom, but he had to get away, to go somewhere and just sit.

He had run into his father before school that morning, and what had ensued had been another of their verbal attacks against each other. Sighing, Jason thought back to the conversation that had put his day into a tailspin.

"Where are you going, Jason?" Andrew asked, watching as Jason poured himself a bowl of cereal and a cup of coffee.

"School, it's Thursday, remember?"

"Jason, I've been meaning to talk to you. I've noticed that you haven't been working on any college applications lately. You are planning on going to college, aren't you?"

"I've got most of my stuff at school, dad, the counselors are helping me put my applications together. Mr. Browne thinks I've even got a shot at getting into a good school."

"Don't lie to me, Jason."

"Dad, I-"

"What schools does he have you applying to, huh? Albuquerque Community?"

"Dad, I've been working on applications to U of A, USC, Notre Dame, and a few others. I'm working really hard. For the first time in my life, my grades are really good, and-"

"Your last report card wasn't that great, Jason."

"I had two B's and four A's, Dad. I worked really hard, I thought you'd-" Jason trailed off, looking into his father's face. "Nevermind."

"You thought I'd what, Jason? Be proud of you? Work harder, and then I'll be proud of you."

Jason came back to the present, a fresh wave of tears spilling from his eyes as he recalled that conversation. What he hadn't told his father was that he had already received a letter, the one in his hand, from U of A, offering him a partial merit scholarship and a chance to walk on to their basketball team. The fact that his dad truly believed the venom that came out of his mouth hurt Jason more than any injury ever could.

He'd never be good enough for his father, never smart enough, strong enough, fast enough. He could never be the perfect son.

END FLASHBACK

"Jason loved you, Troy, as a brother. He looked to you for the stability he couldn't find at home, and obviously he found that."

"Then why, Gabi? Why do this? Why end his own life? I just-I don't understand."

"None of us understand, Troy. We probably never will understand it. It's just something we have to deal with, something we have to overcome."

"I don't want to think about him like that, Gabi. Jason's not an obstacle, at least, he never was when he was-when-"

"Troy, I didn't-"

"I know, Gabi, but I just keep thinking. What would have happened if we had just paid a bit more attention? If we'd given him a minute more of our time? If we'd not taken him for granted?"

"It's the what-ifs, Troy, that are going to kill you. I don't have those answers. The only one who does is Jason, and we can't find out how he feels. The only thing we know is that he's gone, and we're still here. We have to keep living, we have to keep his memory alive. We have to move on."

All things he ever lived

Are left behind

All the fears that ever flickered through his mind

All the sadness that he'd come to own

Troy sat alone in the gym at East High, a lone basketball in his hands as he stared absently at the hoop. Just weeks before he had stood on this same floor, but with his teammates, all smiles and joy. The range of emotions he'd experienced in that short time was slightly overwhelming.

Sighing, Troy stood up, taking the basketball in his hands and launching a shot at the hoop. It sailed cleanly through, and the ball bounced, unhindered, off the court. Troy watched it mindlessly, his mind on everything but basketball.

It was still a mystery to him. Why had Jason chosen to take his own life? Why had he chosen to give the note to Troy? But, the one question that trumped all others, that played endlessly in his head: Why had he, Troy, failed Jason so completely and wholly?

"Troy?"

Troy turned, catching sight of his father walking slowly toward him.

"Your mother said I'd find you here."

"I'm sorry for stealing your key," Troy whispered, taking the key from his pocket and throwing it to his dad, who threw up a hand to catch it. "I just-I needed to get away, go somewhere I could think."

"This is tough for you, isn't it?" Jack asked, finally reaching his son. "You're lost."

"Dad, you have no idea. I keep asking myself why. Why'd he do it? Didn't he know that we'd all miss him? That we'd-"

"I think Jason did know how we felt about him, Troy. I don't think that our love could replace the love he needed from his father."

FLASHBACK-ONE YEAR EARLIER

"Do you think so?"

"Mhm."

Smiling, Jason leaned in to kiss her gently, a slight, soft kiss that lasted merely seconds but made him exceedingly happy.

"Jason!"

Breaking apart from Kelsi, Jason looked up, his face darkening as he saw his father standing a few feet away.

"Hi, Dad," he greeted, his manner and tone of voice changing. "What's up?"

"What kind of behavior is this in public, Jason? You never know who's watching, you're making a fool of yourself."

"Dad, we were just-"

"And that game, Jason. What was wrong with you today? You played like crap."

"Dad, I scored 12 points. I had 7 rebounds. It wasn't my greatest, yeah, but we won, and I helped."

"Is that how you think you need to play to get recruited? You think colleges are looking for mediocre players?"

"Dad-"

"I don't want to hear it, Jason. You need to work harder."

Breaking in for the first time, Troy stepped forward, placing a placating hand between Jason and his father.

"Mr. Cross, Jason played a great game. He really helped us out, especially in the third quarter when-"

"Troy, this doesn't concern you. Stay out of it."

"Mr. Cross-"

"Let's go, Jason. We're going home."

Andrew stepped forward, taking Jason by the shoulder and leading him away from his friends.

"Jason, man, come on, you don't have to listen to him. Stay here, come hang out with us," Troy pleaded, unable to stand looking into Jason's incredibly sad eyes.

"I wish I could, Troy, but-I-I have to go home. I've got a lot of homework, anyway. It's for the best. You guys have a good time. I'll see you on Monday."

Jason hung his head as he followed his father from the gym, trying desperately to hide the tears that threatened to fall from his eyes.

"I wish your friends would learn to mind their own business and to stay out of things that don't concern them."

"Dad, they just wanted to celebrate. This is a big year for us."

"I'm sick of you always spending time somewhere else, with God knows who doing God knows what, and-"

"Dad, I never try-I always-" Jason stammered, trying to get through to his father. One look to the side, however, and his every protest died on his lips. "Nevermind," he whispered, hanging his head again and following his father to the car.

END FLASHBACK

"Andrew Cross is a real piece of work," Jack continued, looking absently into the distance. "I've never liked him, but I'd never before had reason to believe he treated Jason that badly. I wish now I'd seen it sooner."

Troy looked up at that, slightly surprised that his father was voicing the same emotions that Troy himself felt.

"That's exactly how I feel, Dad. I wish I'd helped him."

"We all do, Troy. We all have the same doubts, the same regrets. We all failed him, and unfortunately, it led to tragedy. The blame here doesn't lay with any single person. It doesn't lay with you, or with me, or with Jason, or even solely with Andrew. It's on all of us, together. We all failed."

Troy thought quietly about his father's words, realizing that they were the first thing that truly made sense to him.

"I guess you're right," he agreed quietly, his voice subdued. "I still wish I'd been a better friend, but I should've realized a long time ago that this wasn't my battle to fight, and that it was far out of my league."

"It's too late for regrets, Troy. We only have the present, and what we're doing now, at this moment."

He pulled his son into a hug, resting his chin on Troy's head.

"Let's head home, Troy. Your mother's worried sick."

A shadow passed

Yearning, yearning for the fool

It called a home

Five years later, the group re-gathered around Jason's grave, the anniversary of his death bringing them together for the first time in a long time. Troy and Gabriella stood hand in hand, the only couple to survive the tumult that followed Jason's death and the transition to college. Chad stood next to Troy, Taylor next to him. Kelsi and Zeke completed the circle, the six friends all gazing solemnly at the headstone that marked Jason's grave. Each held a rose in their hand, three red and three white, East High's colors.

"I feel like someone should say something," Chad broke the silence with a goofy, half-hearted smile.

Troy cleared his throat.

"Uh-I guess-I guess I'll go." He paused, fingering the thorn on the stem of his rose before continuing. "We all know why we're here, so it's pretty pointless to rehash it. I guess I just-I still don't understand any of it. It's been five years, and I still want to know why. That day-five years ago-was one of the worst of my life."

FLASHBACK TO THE NIGHT OF

Jason snuck into his parents' room, sliding the locked case from underneath the bed, where he knew his father kept his gun. Placing the case on the bed, Jason quickly spun the combination of the lock, snorting at how predictable his father was. The combination for the lock was Andrew Cross's own birthday.

Hearing the lock click open, Jason carefully lifted the lid of the box, catching sight of the Colt .45 resting inside, a case of bullets next to it. Bitterly regretting the gun safety course his father had made them all take when he brought the gun into the house, Jason checked the magazine, making sure there was a bullet inside, before snapping the case shut and sliding it back under the bed. He then took the gun into his room, sinking heavily onto his bed as he fingered the barrel of the gun gingerly.

Letting the gun fall into his lap, Jason looked up at the ceiling, tears welling in his eyes as he silently apologized to whatever higher power was listening. Closing his eyes for just a moment, Jason took a deep, steadying breath. Raising the gun, he brought it to eye level, looking at it, contemplating what he was about to do.

"I'm sorry," he whispered, tears falling in earnest from his eyes as he flicked back the hammer. Raising the gun, he placed the barrel in his mouth, bracing himself as his finger tightened around the trigger.

"I'm so, so sorry."

END FLASHBACK

"I'll always remember my mom getting that call, the phone falling to the ground, the sadness in her voice when she told me. To this day I remember what I felt when I heard-empty. There's a part of me that still feels empty, the part that belongs to Jason. He'll always have a place as my friend-our friend-and as one of us. His death has touched each of us, colored us in some way, but I like to think that because of Jason we all keep living, and we're trying our best to make the most of it. We've taken advantage of opportunities Jason should've had, of chances he gave up five years ago."

Troy trailed off, aware that he'd been talking for a full five minutes.

"I agree with Troy," Kelsi spoke up quietly. "I can't think of any better way to honor Jason, to remember him, than to keep doing what we're doing. Gabriella, you're going to be an amazing lawyer, and Jason would've been so proud of you. Taylor-I've read your books, and there's no one more talented than you. Chad, you're one of the best basketball players in the NBA. Zeke, that restaurant-it's the dream that Jason always told me he'd imagined for you. And Troy-Jason would be so, so proud of you. He always looked up to you, and he'd be so, so happy to see you in med school, trying to help kids like him. I know it's been hard, but we've all let Jason's death help us, help us find our way and help us get through. We'll never know why-only God will-but at least we know that we're keeping him alive through our actions."

Kelsi finished her speech, letting the rose she held fall softly to the ground at Jason's headstone. She brought two fingers to her lips, gently brushing them across the letters in Jason's name. Gabriella and Taylor followed, then Zeke and Chad. Finally, Troy released his rose, letting it come to rest atop the pile.

"We miss you, Jase," he whispered, entwining his fingers in Gabriella's as they all walked away from the grave, towards their respective cars, and their respective lives.

And it whistles through the ghosts

Still left behind

It whistles through the ghosts

Still left behind

A/N: So, I'm not sure how I feel about this one. I really, really like the premise, but I feel it got convoluted at the end. Let me know what your guys think, because chances are it'll undergo a major reconstruction quite soon. I just really, really wanted to post it as my response to the failtacular Ryelsi scenes in HSM 3.

All feedback appreciated!

Peace and love,

jetsfanforlyfe